099. Secret (2)

To my eardrums, covered by the blanket.

The sound of the shower was heard, then stopped.

The sound of someone struggling to put on clothes was heard.

The noise of a door opening and closing followed.

Slightly damp footsteps, thump thump.

They approach me.

“Ah, that was refreshing…. Jia-ya. You’re not asleep yet, right?”

“……”

“Since you don’t seem asleep, I’ll dry my hair for a bit~.”

My heart feels like it’s going to explode.

Hinami, drying her hair with just a single lamp on, feels terrifying for the first time in my life.

…What was that, really.

I’d heard rumors about the group’s unnies even dating two people at once, but never about them doing it with multiple people.

“Haa…. Ah. Contact…”

Hinami, who was nonchalantly drying her hair despite having done that, touches the cellphone she left in its usual spot.

Her voice suddenly cut off.

A tiny snort was heard.

Soon, the sound of the phone hitting the table was heard again, and she quickly finished drying her short hair and jumped onto the bed where I was.

“Hey, Seo Jia! Why are you pretending to sleep?”

“……”

…Did I get caught.

That I peeked.

That I found out your secret.

“You’re just going to keep pretending to sleep, huh? Hmph, hmph.”

“…Stop it, already.”

…Did I not get caught.

You were always a bit clumsy, after all.

Something like a single notification disappearing.

She probably didn’t notice.

“You were awake, so why keep pretending to sleep?”

“…I’m sleepy. Really.”

Vast.

Bewilderment, fear, betrayal, guilt.

So my heart, pounding with all sorts of mixed emotions, wouldn’t be heard.

Hinami turned off the lamp too, and lay down, keeping her distance from me in the completely dark room.

The only sounds heard were the rustling of skin against clothes and blankets.

Sounds I never even noticed when we lived together in the dorm.

“…Asleep? Jia-ya.”

“I told you, I’m sleepy.”

“Aww. I wanted to chat for a bit, it’s been a while.”

But those trivial sounds,

Continuously torment my ears.

…A friend next to me,

When she was rolling around with my unnie’s boyfriend.

Must have made sounds just like this.

Maybe,

Even my unnie might have rolled around here too.

“Hoo…. Ah, I’m going to get some air for a moment.”

“…Going to smoke your e-cigarette?”

“I quit. …It’s not great anymore, these days.”

Is that why?

Hinami, saying so calmly that she quit e-cigarettes, feels like someone else, not herself.

She was someone who wouldn’t listen no matter how much I warned her that it would be a big deal if I got caught.

…It’s like she can’t be satisfied with mere petty rebellions anymore.

It felt like she was saying.

“……”

Hinami, who had been lying behind my back, slid out of the bed, grabbed her phone, and left the room.

Is she trying to contact him?

That guy.

They’re close enough to send pictures like that at this hour.

Maybe they’re secretly exchanging dirty talk?

…Thinking about it like that.

My heart feels complicated.

I’ve seen firsthand how Hinami climbed her way up to this position.

Neither I nor the fans believe she’s the type to be swayed by just any guy like that.

“Mmm…. What is it. …Are you really asleep?”

“……”

“You don’t seem asleep. …Then let’s chat for a bit, Jia-ya.”

Hinami returned to the bed not long after, this time lying down facing my back.

She nudged my shoulder, tap, tap, with her finger and started talking.

“…Jia, have you ever dated?”

“Hey, you…!”

“What’s wrong. Why are you so surprised. …Is dating really that big of a deal?”

…She didn’t notice I’d peeked because she’s so oblivious.

She says, boasting to me.

“It’s not like you can’t date just because you’re an idol, right? …Everyone does it. As long as you don’t get caught, that’s all that matters.”

At least,

Words that I, at least, don’t agree with.

Values.

Clash against me.

“Is it because… you’ve met someone you… like?”

“…What if I say yes?”

“That’s…, well…”

“Actually, I’m already seeing someone. …But who it is, is a secret.”

As if,

Like a girl in love.

Shyly, unlike you.

“Well, I’m famous, so I can’t go on dates…. …But still. I can meet them at home.”

“…That’s not why you moved out of the dorm, is it.”

“If that’s not why I moved out, then what is it? It means you should protect your own privacy. Since I’ve gained enough experience, I should be careful on my own and not get caught.”

As if.

Talking like ordinary people.

She continues to shatter the fantasy, unlike an idol.

“It would be good if you dated too, Jia? …If you have a boyfriend you can secretly talk about various things with, you’ll definitely be less tired. And you can do your work with a more enjoyable mindset?”

“…I don’t need it.”

“That’s because you haven’t tried it…. …It’s so wonderful when your boyfriend comes to hug you on your day off after finishing your schedule….”

“Hey.”

“Why? …Sex. We can have it too. I’m an adult, after all.”

“……”

You,

Are forcing out of my brain.

The picture I don’t want to know, the one I don’t want to recall.

“The… partner. …Was really big? Tall too. Lots of muscles. And down there…, it was big too. Honestly, I was a little scared…”

“……”

Stories I don’t know.

Stories I can’t refute.

A world unknown.

“…Actually, it was amazing. I was surprised. It was my first time…. It didn’t hurt because they were considerate of me.”

“……”

“And, it’s good when we’re doing it, but…. After it’s over? We laugh while looking at each other, exhausted. Or kiss…. That part is really nice. …Ah. And sitting on his lap with our clothes off. And showering together. That feels really good? It’s like, I can feel the body heat. His muscles are hard, but his skin is soft…”

Her happy voice,

Which I can’t scold.

…It’s not something I, who has never experienced it, can argue about.

“…Hinami.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you… really like that guy?”

“Yes…, yes. I like him.”

“……”

…But.

It’s too unhealthy to pretend I don’t know.

Too shameless.

An immoral story.

“…Actually, I met him yesterday too. There’s a place we can meet secretly, so I met him there. …And we did it again. Sex.”

“…”

“Ah, am I being careful about contraception? You take something too, right? Since we’re in our active period these days.”

If the partner.

That guy.

Wasn’t my unnie’s boyfriend.

I could have just brushed it off.

Like a friend’s first love story.

“I’m not stupid enough to get pregnant, so don’t worry too much, Jia. …The unnies are always changing boyfriends, and there’s no problem, right?”

“……”

“Fans probably know anyway? That we have boyfriends. As long as we don’t get caught, that’s all that matters.”

“…That’s not right.”

“Huh?”

If you weren’t.

My group member.

I could have just brushed it off.

Like any other dirty entertainment industry story.

“Just because you don’t get caught doesn’t mean it’s not wrong, Hinami.”

“…Wrong? Me?”

“At least. While we’re promoting…. I think it’s better not to.”

“Why?”

I don’t believe the hollow words about living for the fans.

Still.

The reason I became so famous, the reason I could rise this high.

It’s because the fans found me attractive, isn’t it?

Whether they saw me as an idol,

Or felt a parasocial relationship with my young, pretty self.

Whichever it is.

“Jia, you’re so honest. …Maybe it’s because you haven’t experienced love?”

“Hey….”

“If you meet someone good, you won’t think that way either? …Ah. How about Manager oppa? He openly likes you.”

“Hinami.”

So,

I didn’t want to have those conventional values, at least.

Because I don’t think I could bear the guilt.

With lips that fell for a guy and kissed him passionately.

I don’t want to sing songs of love to fans.

Who spend money and time supporting me.

“See, you’re stiffening up too. Manager oppa is a diligent and kind person, but. He’s not really attractive, so you dislike him for no reason, right?”

…But.

“Conversely, if you meet someone attractive, your thoughts change. …No matter how bad that person seems, I’m just drawn to them. I want to be held. I want to be overpowered. …I want to kiss them.”

My friend’s sincere, outrageous words.

It wasn’t something I could dismiss as a joke.

Because I wasn’t that clean myself.

“Even if you talk about fans and stuff, you always frown when you see the comments on your fancams, right? …And during fan meetings, you look so uncomfortable when a sweaty fan comes near.”

“……”

Actually,

I hate it too.

Those idiots who get excited seeing the choreography I practiced until I couldn’t eat, just because their breasts are shaking.

And my fans who come all the way to a crowded place, only to stand there grinning with sweat smell wafting off them.

And the manager who acts all diligent and kind but keeps glancing at my thighs every time he sees me.

I hate all of them.

…Surely others have done the same thing.

Even that guy I really hate looked me up and down when I first saw him.

When I think ‘I hate it,’ my fans come to mind first.

“If you live too rigidly, you’ll explode later? …Live a little more freely, like me or the unnies. Love is the best motivation.”

“…Shut up.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll stop talking. …Alright, now.”

Her naked body, chatting excitedly about her bizarre relationship.

And his naked body, looking utterly devoid of any sense of gender.

They swirl in my head.

And whisper to me.

…You’re no different from us, either.