086. Surrender (3)

An H-line long one-piece dress, with no pattern on the sleeves or fabric.

The cardigan he threw at me, saying it would be cold.

A red choker that could pass as fashion.

…Something that couldn’t even be considered an accessory.

A black collar.

“…Hurry up, will you?”

“It’s a walk. …We should go slowly.”

If only he’d take off the collar.

Sometimes I wear it at home.

And sometimes outside.

It’s not a particularly strange outfit.

“Haa….”

“What. …I gave you decent clothes. Did you want something sexier? A skirt that shows your panties….”

“Okay, just stop it….”

It just reveals my figure a bit.

…Especially since I couldn’t even wear underwear.

Even more so.

“…Hoo.”

We rode the elevator down, just the two of us.

Slowly.

Trying not to be noticed by others.

Matching his pace as much as possible.

Making sure the collar, at least, was hidden by his body.

Thump thump.

We head outside.

“Maybe it’s because I skipped the gym for the first time in a while, but my body feels pretty energetic.”

I wanted to tell him to shut up right then and there, but I figured he’d do something even more attention-grabbing instead of shutting up, so I couldn’t.

All I could do was

Just match his steps.

Taking a slightly secluded path.

Into a back alley with no people.

“Should I skip the gym more often? It’s such a hassle.”

“Don’t lie. Kang Joo-hyuk, I know how much you care about your body.”

“Well, that’s because… I played baseball until last year. If I wanted to make a living, I had to do something. …Even though I can’t throw a ball anymore.”

On the dim night street.

To him, spitting that out with an uncharacteristically bitter expression.

I just played along.

“Haeun-ah, you know what? …I could find a team if I wanted to. Though I’d only get minimum wage.”

“What, like…”

“Even guys like me, whose shoulders are completely wrecked and beyond recovery, there are always people who see that one good year I threw a few years back and think they’ve hit the lottery.”

Whether he was angry about something.

Or regretful.

Or sad.

At that unknowable expression.

“Isn’t it pretty stupid? Trying to hold onto something that won’t work out.”

…It was like.

He was talking about me until recently.

Or maybe he was putting himself down.

To him, opening up his heart.

“In that regard, I wasn’t that foolish. I tried rehab for a few years, and when it seemed like it wouldn’t work, I quit right away. Still, baseball… I did it for over 10 years.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really have anything specific to say. …I’m just lamenting. Because it’s you.”

I didn’t know what on earth I should say in response.

Should I say sorry?

Should I tell him to cheer up?

Should I ask him what he’ll do next?

Could I even say things like that,

…Me, with a collar around my neck?

“Maybe I should open a gym with the money I’ve saved.”

“Suddenly…?”

“Haven’t you noticed lately? The number of gym members seems to have doubled.”

“…I noticed.”

“It’s all thanks to you. …If I could just get you to come with me, honestly, I don’t think it would fail. Trainers are a dime a dozen; you can find them just by asking around.”

He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks.

To him, suddenly laying out a plan that wasn’t entirely unrealistic,

Should I tell him the idea was good?

Could I,

In his life.

Get involved?

“Maybe I should take out a loan. I think I’ll be a bit short on cash.”

“Are you asking me for money, kehek….”

“That won’t happen, so don’t get the wrong idea. …Besides, you don’t have any money.”

If that were possible.

Could he too,

Get involved in my life?

…As if.

He was pulling the collar right now.

“And if I had a gym, there would be lots of things I could try. On days off, maybe I could film stuff? Start a separate channel too. Women working out is popular these days.”

“Are you serious about this?”

“Do you think I’m kidding? …Did you think I’d just stay home rolling around with you forever?”

Like this.

Would it be okay to intertwine my life with his?

…If we did, it would definitely.

Be impossible to untangle.

“It’s been months since I decided to retire. I have to think about how I’ll make a living, right? Me too.”

“Why are you telling me this….”

“Should I ask Hinami then?”

But,

If I didn’t get involved,

He would surely go to tie a collar on someone else.

“Now that I think about it, that’s not a bad option either. She’s doing well, isn’t she? Rich too. Maybe because she’s young, her head’s still in the clouds. If I treat her well, maybe we could do more than just sleep together; maybe we could date.”

“…”

“If I lived with her, I wouldn’t need to worry about work or anything. Actually, if I just satisfy her sexual desires well, I could just play around and eat….”

“…I don’t like it.”

So.

“What?”

…I hated that.

“You only playing around with other women.”

“What’s the reason?”

The leash around my neck.

That it becomes worthless.

“You could just do it with me. You like it too, don’t you?”

…I hate it.

Saying these words myself.

“What do I like?”

“Doing… sex… with me. You love it so much you feel like you’re going crazy.”

Making me say things like this,

You too.

“Not really. …Sex is just a means to an end.”

“A means to what end?”

“A means to feel emotions.”

He yanked the collar hard,

And pulled me into his embrace.

You.

“…If you’re just lying there with no feelings, having no relationship with me, fucking you is worse than masturbation. It’s not fun.”

“…”

“Do you know why I like having sex with you?”

So skillfully.

So familiarly.

Your hands on my waist and hips.

“Because you hate me.”

“…Of course.”

“…Even though you hate me, you can’t let me go.”

“….”

So naturally.

You stroking my hair.

“That’s why it’s good. …That a woman who treated people like bugs a few years ago. Is now like this.”

“I didn’t treat you like a bug.”

“Well, you treated me with disgust, didn’t you? Not just me, but others too.”

He eventually let go of the collar.

And caressed my cheek.

“Well, I understand. If I had been born like you, I probably would have treated most men like bugs too.”

“…”

“But… with this face. And this body. Without dating any men. I wouldn’t have starved, right?”

Pushing me against the rough wall.

Staring intently at me.

You whispered in a low, scary voice.

“…That’s why I like you.”

“Don’t lie.”

…To the very end.

You, who lies.

“I like that you look so damn stupid and clueless.”

“Shut up.”

“Why didn’t you date? You must have had guys lining up? Just walking down the street.”

“I told you, stalking in high school….”

“Then why did I… let you in when I was drunk?”

“….”

We didn’t even kiss,

Yet you covered my mouth.

“If you have something you want to say to me, say it.”

…After playing with me like that,

You, who finally demanded an apology.

“…I’m sorry…, …”

Even though I hated it.

…You’re pathetic.

This man.

Becoming like this.

Feels like my fault.

“For what?”

“Your… shoulder…. becoming like that. …I feel partly responsible too….”

Was it my fault for being annoyed?

“Why? …What did you do to make my shoulder like this?”

Was it your fault for losing your temper?

“To my brother. Just… a bit… ‘rude’.”

“You told me that before. …Is that all?”

Was it my brother’s fault for saying it for me?

“My brother said he’d tell Dad… I agreed to it.”

“What exactly did he say?”

“I… don’t really know. Just that… my conduct wasn’t good. That rumors were spreading….”

Hearing that,

Was it my father’s fault for trying to send you to another team?

“So after hearing that, the coach ground my shoulder down like this. Right?”

“…Yeah.”

Before leaving,

Was it the coach’s fault for using me as much as he could?

“So what exactly are you apologizing for here? …It wasn’t your fault, was it? From what I hear.”

“Still, I just…”

“Actually, setting me aside, shouldn’t I be thanking your brother? He got rid of a weird guy for me.”

“That’s….”

“He lent you his house. Gave you living expenses. …But why are you here, just badmouthing me?”

“…”

…Maybe.

No one was actually at fault.

That I hated him.

That I hated my brother.

That my brother treated me like an idiot.

“You did only one thing wrong.”

“What?”

“…You pitied me. That was wrong.”

…That day.

When Kang Joo-hyuk, whom I met again,

Lying and desperately,

Craving me.

“When I was drunk and tried to rape you, if you had just told me to get lost, there would have been no problem.”

“….”

“But you let me have my way when I acted a little pitiful. Is it because you’re a kind person, or….”

“…You were pitiful. You were.”

“….”

Maybe no one was at fault after all.

For the first time since that day.

Looking into his eyes, showing emotions other than lust.

…For the first time.

Not lying to me.

Seeing his face.

“You were popular too…. Because of me. Ye-eun. And Dad….”

“Is that why you’re doing this with me, because you feel so sorry about it?”

“…I don’t know. About that.”

Even though I thought no,

I.

Ended up pitying him.

Like a dog trying to comfort its sad master.

A puppy.

“Seo Haeun.”

“…Yeah.”

“You know, you’re quite… similar to me.”

“How so?”

“You’re good-looking, but you messed up trying to do what you wanted. …And ended up with someone equally ruined, getting together.”

“….”

“So….”

Forcing me to stay.

Raping me.

Treating me like an idiot.

Playing with me.

Handling me roughly.

Putting a collar on me.

“…Since life didn’t go as planned anyway, why don’t you just give it to me?”

“….”

…Similar to mine.

“Let’s get together, ruined lives and all. …Including some successful people.”

To the pitiful master.

I.

…As a sign of obedience.

“….”

The shabby, dangling collar.

I hand it to him myself.

“Haeun-ah.”

“…Yes.”

As much as he hated me.

I too.

Actually.

…Hated my brother.

That my life was ruined.

Even if it wasn’t entirely his fault.

“You don’t have to use polite language.”

“…Okay.”

“They’ll do it for you.”

So, I.

My heart about to burst.

My reason, trying to stop me until the end.

All of it.

…I offer to this collar.

So it can never be taken off.

Firmly weaving my fate with his.