016. Voice File (3)

-I told you to relax. You’re wearing a condom, so it’ll be a bit tighter than before. I’ll loosen it for you.

-Ah, haang⋯, Don’t pinch my nipples, my nipples⋯!

My voice.

-Haak, euhng⋯! Deeper, it’s deeper⋯.

-My chest feels like it’s gonna go crazy. I became a fan of Seo Jia because her chest is big, but it doesn’t even compare. You’re way hotter. Your thighs too, fuck⋯. Hoo⋯.

-Haa, swearing, stop it⋯, euhng⋯! Haaang!

His voice, pretending to praise me, teasing and ravishing me.

-I want to kiss you. Can I? Your eyes are hotter than your body. So lewd. I want to pounce on you. Haeun-ah⋯.

-I know, so just a little, slooowly, eub⋯. Chuwup⋯.

What did you know, you idiot.

A guy wanting to pounce on you has been the case since puberty, hasn’t it.

-My, my head feels weird⋯. Let go. I said it’s weird!

-It’s okay if it gets weird. Relax. Lean on me. You can cling to me if you want.

Crazy bitch.

Blockhead bitch.

⋯A slut who’d give her body to a guy like this.

-It’s gone in a little less than halfway. Can I put more in?

-No, no! I, I feel weird. It hurts, no, it’s not that it hurts⋯. Oook⋯! Huuuu⋯.

-⋯Halfway. Breathe. I won’t put any more in. It’s your first time.

If it hurts, kick me!

Or tear into that dirty, big, painful rod!

Don’t just get raped like an idiot⋯.

-Haeun-ah.

-Haa⋯, ha⋯. Stop, stop⋯.

-Stick out your tongue. Then I’ll finish.

-Tongue⋯? Heek, bueh⋯, eub⋯, Chuu⋯.

Do something, anything, just resist a little, you idiot⋯.

-Eung⋯, euhng⋯! Eueuung! Hoo-eut, heek, eueuueung⋯!

A low, deep groan I’d never made in my life.

The sound, scratching my vocal cords, scrapes against my ears.

Along with it, Kang Joo-hyuk, who’d been playing with me the whole time we were having sex, lets out a sigh so deep it’s caught on the recording.

⋯No matter how inexperienced I was,

No matter how drunk I was,

I remember clearly what happened.

It comes back vividly, without a single flaw.

I had sex with this man.

My first time, feeling like I’d taken drugs.

Instead of resisting, I enjoyed the sticky sex.

The sensation of the male organ swelling inside me gradually returns.

For a moment, lost to pleasure, I tried to blame it all on being drunk and forget, but

For some reason, the more I listened, the clearer it became.

“Turn it off?”

“⋯Please turn it off⋯.”

When the recording of my life’s first sex ended, he finally released my tongue.

I hated how he asked me with his characteristic confident tone and a smile, but I couldn’t shake my head.

He probably recorded more after that.

If I didn’t listen now, I might have to hear that sound until the very end.

Crumbling much more miserably than now,

My panting, violated voice.

⋯I don’t want to remember, but I do.

“Ah, the part after this is even more fun. You begging me to fuck you was really hot. So cute, too.”

“⋯Stop it, really⋯.”

“Yeah, it felt just like that. But it was a bit more lewd, earlier.”

⋯I’m embarrassed.

I want to die.

Die, you cripple, you blockhead bastard!

I wanted to cover my face with both hands and hide in a mouse hole, but I couldn’t even escape because of his grip, holding me tight.

As if I were a pet, he affectionately touched me everywhere.

He squeezed my breasts, stroked my belly.

He rubbed his lips all over my neck.

This feels disgusting.

But I can’t push him away.

Since I’ve already done something worse,

There’s no way he’d listen even if I told him to stop.

“You bastard⋯.”

“What’s bad? I told you I did everything considerately. If you asked me to pull out, I pulled out. If you asked me to go slow, I went slow. Do you know how hard it is to listen to everything you say while looking at your breasts?”

“Shut up! So let go⋯.”

“Why? Where else will you have a chance to touch me from now on?”

Kang Joo-hyuk, whose voice had shifted from cruelly ravishing me to slyly teasing me, didn’t stop mocking me.

⋯Bastard.

“Ah, don’t cry. Why are you crying? There isn’t a woman happier than you.”

“What are you talking about, you crazy bastard⋯.”

“Women who feel it from the start are rare… not even rare, they practically don’t exist, you know?”

“Who asked you to make me feel it!? It feels like shit, so just shut up⋯.”

The man who seemed like he was dying just moments ago was now tormenting me without a care for my feelings.

I suspected it, but even his suffering from the breakup was an act.

Him listening to my complaints after drinking and feeling a bit better was all an act, too.

⋯Him venting his anger at me and blaming my dad,

That was probably real.

“Ah, seriously. Crying makes people feel weird. Someone might think I raped you.”

“It was rape, you son of a bitch⋯.”

“You’re still saying that? After hearing exactly how it happened.”

“You bastard, if you recorded it, you planned it all, didn’t you! You wanted to sleep with me from the start, right? Huh? You broke up with your girlfriend ages ago too! It’s all because I, I’m… the daughter of the Director who fired you…”

What did I even do wrong to deserve this?

If anything, I’m the one who suffered damage from you, not the other way around.

It’s all Dad’s fault,

And even stretching it, it’s my brother’s fault.

Why are you doing this to me…

“Seo Haeun.”

“⋯Bastard.”

“⋯Just in case I’m asking, are you really completely uninvolved in me getting fired?”

“How many times do I have to say I had nothing to do with it! It doesn’t concern me! ⋯Really⋯.”

“Ah, really? ⋯Then why did you look at me with that expression?”

“Mhmmm⋯.”

To me, who had no fault or blame,

He again tickled my eardrums with his cruel voice.

“Every time I showed you my shoulder, you looked at me with a sorry expression. Why is that?”

“⋯Is it wrong to feel sorry for someone who got hurt?”

“No, well. When I ran into you at the club, you treated hurt people and healthy people equally like shit, so I was just wondering.”

“Back then⋯, they, they were all just staring at my chest. Those bastards⋯.”

“Then what about when you looked at me pleadingly right before I pounced? I was really about to commit rape then, you know? You allowed it, so I just had sex.”

“⋯.”

He pulls out the reason I allowed him from the corner of my chest.

Then, slicing and dicing,

He severs the guilt I briefly felt towards him.

“⋯Are you perhaps pretending not to know something you actually know?”

“⋯So what if I do? If you know, does that mean you can rape someone else⋯? Huh?”

“Ah, I told you I didn’t rape you. Want to listen to the rest? I really held back, you know.”

“Held back, fuck⋯. You, you planned to pounce on me from the start, you planned revenge! You even recorded it so you wouldn’t get reported⋯.”

“⋯Did you, uh, do something that would warrant revenge from me?”

“⋯.”

Something warranting revenge.

I didn’t do it.

I never asked for it…

I never did.

It’s not my fault that after I complained to my brother out of annoyance, the next day I suddenly heard ominous words at the dinner table about sending someone somewhere.

I knew he was a cold-hearted person, but I didn’t know he was someone who listened so well to his children.

A person who wouldn’t even listen to me.

Why did he nod when my brother spoke and grant my wish immediately.

“Hey, look at your face stiffen. You’ve got something, don’t you?”

“N-nothing…!”

“I’m joking, why are you trembling so much? I’m behind you, there’s no way you can see my expression. Idiot?”

“⋯.”

I was terrified of the voice of the man who saw through my every move and toyed with me.

I wished he would disappear, and just because he disappeared coincidentally doesn’t make it my fault.

In the first place, Dad only said he’d trade him to another team.

The injury wasn’t anyone’s fault.

It’s not my fault he retired with a knife scar on his shoulder either.

It’s not wrong, so why am I so scared?

It’s not something that would be condemned even if found out.

Why.

Why can I only tremble before this muscle-bound man?

“Haeun-ah, don’t tremble like that. Turn around and look at me, okay?”

“⋯.”

“⋯I said, let me see your eyes.”

The man’s eyes, forcing my body to turn, come into view.

Just looking normally, but his sharp, piercing gaze makes my heart pound.

Wouldn’t it have been easier if I had fallen for him instead?

Enjoying my first time with a man I liked,

How wonderful would it have been if we were talking affectionately.

“Are you scared of me?”

But such a tender love story didn’t exist in my life.

The more I looked into this man’s cruel eyes, the more suspicion grew.

⋯Was he satisfied with just the recording?

This trash of a human.

Is there any guarantee he didn’t take pictures of me?

He took selfies at the bar earlier, too.

“Why are you scared? I don’t have any ill feelings towards you anymore.”

“⋯Th-that⋯.”

The words ‘not anymore’ are arbitrarily translated in my head.

As ‘there used to be’.

As in, ‘he approached me with everything planned’.

…And as in, ‘he knows exactly what I’ll do from now on’.

“You were feeling so good until just now, I don’t really understand why you’re suddenly acting like this. If I did something wrong, could you tell me?”

“⋯Th-that’s why⋯.”

The man who deceived me flawlessly without batting an eye becomes increasingly frightening.

How much of my heart has this man read?

How well does he know me,

That he could approach me so shamelessly and hold me?

“Ah, maybe you’re embarrassed because your brother found out? Yeah, it’s pretty shameful if your family finds out you had sex. I understand.”

“Th-that too⋯.”

“But we can just go together later and clear up the misunderstanding. Ah, there’s no misunderstanding, but anyway.”

The man who knows me better than I know myself,

Naturally speaks words implying he has no intention of letting me go.

That this relationship is just the beginning,

I naturally come to accept it too.

“Haeun-ah.”

“⋯.”

“⋯The room’s a bit messy, shall we get up? Let’s clean it up and eat dinner. Order something in.”

“⋯Uh, yeah⋯.”

In the phone held in his hand,

What might be contained,

I naturally imagine.

⋯What I normally can’t see with my own eyes,

My lewd self,

Was playing back uncontrollably in my mind.