015. Voice File (2)

I once heard my friends complain that bad guys change their attitude the moment they get into bed.

Back then, I thought it was strange, wondering in my mind, ‘Isn’t it your own fault for not being able to take care of yourselves?’

The ones who get fooled by men approaching with the intention of seducing them are fools.

Why get fooled?

If you look, you can see it, right?

Trash who only stare at chests.

Idiots who just spout cheesy lines.

I thought that,

but I didn’t know I would end up like this.

…I didn’t even notice that I was being fooled.

-⋯Is it really okay?

The man’s voice flowed out.

A low, deep voice.

The sound that had messed with my head countless times.

-Answer me. ⋯Are you okay?

There’s no way I’m okay.

There’s absolutely no reason to be intimate with a guy like this.

…Hearing this voice again should never happen.

“Hey, you, you, what is this!”

“My drunken habit is recording things. If I do something shitty, I have to apologize after sobering up, right?”

“That doesn’t make sense-!”

“Don’t argue, just listen.”

How could he say such shameless things and look at me with such shameless eyes?

If I left him alone, I felt like I’d see him on the news, so after worrying about him with the goodwill I squeezed out,

what came back wasn’t gratitude, but just a dirty man’s desires.

-⋯Tell me if it hurts. If it hurts.

-⋯Uh, uh-huh….

The man currently pinning me down and looking down at me isn’t speaking,

but three hours ago, he spoke in a cheesy voice and was toying with me.

Foolish me stupidly agreed to him, who had no sincerity whatsoever.

“Hey, hey, turn it off! Delete it! You crazy bastard…!”

“Why delete it? It’s all memories and evidence.”

Remembering vaguely what happened afterwards, I wanted to push him away and smash his phone.

But that was impossible.

To a man who toyed with me for three hours straight without showing any signs of fatigue,

it was obvious what he would do if I showed hostility.

More violently than before.

Fiercely.

He would rape me.

-Ah…, Ack, ah, it hurts…!

-It hurts?

-It hurts, it hurts….

So I couldn’t stop the screams that followed.

-Then I’ll caress you, so relax. Turn to your side. Good. That’s right.

-Ah, haak, haaaak…!

I couldn’t stop him from soothing me tenderly as I cried out in pain.

No matter how I listened, it sounded like acting, why didn’t I realize it then?

I should have known that men who talk in that kind of voice are all horny bastards.

Why.

Did this man show me such a pitiful look?

“Turn it off, you son of a bitch!”

“You need to know how much you clung to me. Looking at it now, it seems you don’t remember because you were drunk.”

“Clung to you? You bastard! You just drugged me and raped me!”

“If you listen to it all, you won’t say that.”

“Let go of me…, mff….”

He laughed refreshingly, which was unsettling, pretending to find me cute with a condescending look, and started hugging me tightly.

Then, as if my sober voice didn’t matter, he covered my mouth with his dirty mouth.

With my tongue held, so I could hear the three-hour recording clearly, he held the phone to my ear and pinned me down with his whole body.

Covering my ears because I didn’t want to hear, or running away,

or shouting to drown it out was impossible.

-Ugh… Ha, ha…. Kang, Kang Joo-hyuk….

-⋯You’ve never had sex before, have you?

-Because I haven’t…! It hurts, it hurt earlier….

The lewd woman’s voice tickled my ears.

Moans.

Whimpers.

Sounds I’d never made in my life.

Even when I masturbated, I bit my t-shirt and muffled my sounds; I had never cried out so vulgarly.

-It’s okay. You won’t feel pain once you get excited.

-I, I don’t want to have sex. I’m scared….

-It’s okay. Relax. Lean into it. It’ll be fine.

He even acted cute.

A woman with the same voice as mine acted coquettishly towards a man she didn’t even like, whining and acting spoiled.

I’d never acted cute even towards my friends.

Or acted spoiled towards my family.

-Ugh…! Hng! Haaaang!

To a man I barely knew, with whom I had no connection,

I was clinging to him, letting out all sorts of lewd sounds.

Just like back then,

pinned down by him.

My tongue held.

-Haaak…, hek… Ha, haak….

-It’s okay. It’s natural. Take a deep breath.

-Haaa….

It’s the same now.

My hands, my feet.

They move the way he wants, reacting as he desires.

Even struggling with my lips covered was the reaction he wanted.

-It’s okay because we both made a mistake while drunk. Once we clear the air, we’ll be okay with each other.

Back then, I believed it was a mistake.

I hated Kang Joo-hyuk,

and Kang Joo-hyuk hated me too.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just snip the tangled threads with scissors…?

He whispered it in my ear, so it somehow felt like that would be okay.

-You can cover yourself if you’re shy. Tell me if it hurts.

But hearing those squishy sounds again, that was definitely not a comfortable solution.

-Haeun, you seem to be in pain. To avoid pain at first, I’ll just insert the tip without a condom. If I can’t help but push further, tell me to pull out immediately. I’m only doing this at the beginning so it doesn’t hurt you.

-Good. Relax your hips. Take a deep breath.

Rude, ill-tempered,

and on top of that, damn tall, so tall I get a neck ache looking up.

His muscles were also disgustingly bulky, sticking all over him, making him look gross.

To this perverted trash of a human who pretends to make eye contact but steals glances at my chest whenever he’s bored,

I shouldn’t have given him my first time.

Not even by mistake.

“Phew…, haa…. Get off me…!”

“Don’t you like kissing? You seemed to enjoy it so much earlier.”

“You’re heavy! And dirty! Haa…, haa….”

“Ah, then should I hold you from behind?”

Once a run appears in stockings, no matter how much nail polish you apply, they eventually unravel more and more.

This man, who was freely playing with me from behind, had no intention of letting me go.

He had no intention of letting this day’s mistake slide as just a mistake.

That pitiful face he showed earlier,

his sly attitude at the bar,

the pure joy he showed when handing over the autograph,

It was all a lie.

A lie acted out because he wanted to have me.

-Haaak, aaat….

-It’s okay. It’s okay. Relax. Don’t tense up.

-Hooong…, heet…, hee….

Squish squish.

From the phone placed beside my head, lewd sounds spread out.

Noisy, dirty, and vulgar.

During the three hours steeped in drunkenness and pleasure, what had been committed became clearer and clearer.

-Ah…, aaa….

-Okay, that’s enough for now. ⋯It’s okay, right?

A voice I had sometimes imagined.

Meeting a good man who understood me, dating him, and finally getting married.

On the honeymoon, after seeing each other naked for the first time,

a tender voice whispering during our first time together filled with affection.

-Haaak, haoot…, aaa….

-Take a deep breath. It’s normal for it to hurt the first time.

But his voice, though similar, was completely different.

Dirty, vulgar, and wicked.

A voice full of nothing but desire, slimy and sticky.

My innocent first time was being overwhelmed by a skilled, virtuoso piece of trash.

“⋯So, how is it? Hearing it directly. I was really considerate of you. Do you know how much I held back?”

“Held back what? You didn’t hold back at all!”

“Ah, seriously. It’s so obvious you have no experience, you’re fucking cute….”

Since around the time I graduated middle school,

I didn’t want to give my chest, which countless men had leered at and harassed, to a guy like this.

To this kind of trash….

It was a complex, but I didn’t want my pride squeezed out.

“Let go, let go…! Blegh…, So dirty….”

“I washed my hands earlier, it’s fine.”

This time, instead of his tongue, a thick finger filled my mouth.

I wanted to bite it off, but I felt like he would brutally chew me up and swallow me if I did.

I’m scared.

Terrified.

I hate this.

Me, being toyed with by a man like this.

-Haa, haa…, ah, it hurts….

-Does it hurt more than before?

-Not really….

My whining voice, tricked by a man, annoyed me.

What did I do right to give up my chastity and whine in such a sticky voice?

What the hell are you doing?

Is it okay to act like this just because you’re drunk?

Were you that kind of easy girl?

-Then just bear with it a little longer. If you scratch here, it’ll get better.

-Ngh, ugh…! Haaaang!

No matter how much I yelled inwardly, I was lost in pleasure, panting, and yielding my body to the man.

I couldn’t deny his words.

-There’s hardly any bleeding. It’s okay. For a first time, this is fine. Take a deep breath.

-Haa…, hoo….

-I didn’t know you had no experience with men. Sorry.

-Hoo…, uh, it just happened like this….

-Is it okay to have your first time with a guy like me?

-Not, not okay… I don’t know, I just… Ugh!

Clearly, I had yielded my body,

cried out ferociously,

and didn’t ask him to stop.

-Hoo…, okay. You’re quite wet now. I’ll pull out for a moment. I’ll put on a condom again, so just keep breathing deeply.

-Ngh, ngh….

I nodded.

Begging you to take my first time, I pleaded.

“⋯This is insane. Seriously.”

More vulgarly than the dirty thoughts I sometimes imagined.

-Ah….

Giving up all control,

-Lift your hips. It’ll hurt less if I put a pillow underneath.

Entrusting my entire body to this man,

I am violated by Kang Joo-hyuk.

-Move your hands. I want to see your face.

Being raped by a man I hate.

-Yeah, open your eyes. You won’t remember anyway since you were drunk. Look at me.

“⋯What the hell, really….”

Feeling guilty towards the man I once hated the most in the world,

-Sorry I’m uglier than you, but my skin is fine, so forgive me.

I apologize to him with my body.

-Haa, ugh… Ah, it’s really, a bit, overwhelming… I’m out of breath, I, Kang Joo-hyuk….

…Like a stupid fucking idiot.