episode_0051

Crunch.

I rummaged through the pile of snow under the tombstone. As if forgetting the cold, I slowly removed the snow, almost reverently.

Despite the thick layer of snow, the damp earth quickly revealed my naked body.

I hesitated several times.

I clenched and unclenched my fist, struggling with my decision.

Even shaking off my hesitation took a long time.

Crunch.

I finally made up my mind and placed my hand on the earth. Then, I clenched my hand like a claw and began to dig under the tombstone.

“Ugh… huff…”

I dug up the resting place of the lion. I, who had considered it to be no one else but my father, destroyed Rodrick’s resting place myself.

A sin that the empire’s climate could never forgive. Betraying humanity, I desecrated Rodrick’s grave.

“Sorry… I’m sorry… Rodrick…”

With each scoop of dirt, memories of the past flashed before my eyes. The days when the windmill mercenary group was thriving, and the time when I felt warmth in the mundane days came to me like a fantasy.

[Hey, everything’s fine, but why is the mercenary group named Windmill? It’s childish, isn’t it, making you look shallow.]

I had set the name of the mercenary group and ended up with a different one.

It wasn’t hard to understand. Despite the rough image of the mercenary group, clients tended to trust such an image of mercenaries. It was the paradoxical nature of the world.

I gave up these advantages and stuck with a childish name for a reason.

[I wanted it.]

[Wanted what.]

[The windmill.]

I vividly remember the humble founding day when my mother was small.

From the fur color of the mouse stealing rotten fruit in the corner of the poor neighborhood to the thunderous sound of the cannon. And even the sky, clear blue without a cloud. I remembered everything in my sight.

Among them, the scene where I followed my mother and was fascinated was particularly vivid.

Children gathering around, holding windmills and running. The windmill spinning in the wind as they ran, why it was so fun, the boys and girls who laughed and shouted without hesitation were etched in my mind.

For the first time in my life, I felt possessiveness. I wanted that windmill from that day.

Looking back, the essence of possessiveness was not the windmill. In fact, I wanted to have the warmth of a human being who could easily associate with a windmill.

The Windmill Mercenary Group was created riding on that wind.

Hoping to resemble those children I saw on the founding day someday.

[In the end, even if I swept piles of gold coins, he wouldn’t even glance at me.]

[That’s right.]

Why was my mother so obsessed with luxury? My efforts to understand her never bore fruit.

I just wanted the windmill, not money and power. If I could have the windmill and walk around normally, overflowing with joy…

But I couldn’t even achieve that small desire.

Even the slightest breeze was buried deep under the earth I was digging.

Because I am a child of sin.

A dirty child who should never have been born.

The wind I held in my hands was flattened by the weight of my original sin.

Crunch, crunch.

I killed my heart and continued to dig the earth.

The dirt seeped into my nails. As a result, the bugs sleeping under the dirt woke up and protested, asking why I was threatening their home.

I ignored them, determined to reach my goal. All the way.

Thud.

A hard sensation was transmitted to my fingertips.

It was a faded coffin.

When I put on makeup, it felt like the presence of Roderick and Eshutiel would completely disappear, so I wanted to leave the body untouched.

“Ugh… Ah… Ugh…”

I couldn’t bring myself to prepare to open the coffin. It was a mystery how Roderick inside would greet me.

If I had preserved the appearance of the day he was found dead, it would have been better, but looking at his decaying flesh melting away, it felt like I would lose my mind.

Ah.

Oh.

Please.

God.

Please turn back time.

Please return me to the monochrome world where I felt nothing, where I felt no emotions even at my parents’ death.

Even if I see the corpse inside, even if I see the ruined body, please grant me the blessing of being able to remain expressionless. I beg of you.

I would rather become a stone.

I would rather turn into a common rock lying in a field.

If all the colors in the world were to disappear, it might be a little better.

“Ugh…”

I’m sorry.

I apologize for being born.

I apologize for bringing misfortune to those around me by living.

So please, grant Roderick who faces me with the gift of a human form. I pray for the removal of the rotten and decaying shell of a dead man. Please…

…

……

When the sunlight was obscured by clouds.

Finally, as the coffin opened and Roderick revealed himself, I barely held onto a handful of sanity and cried out.

◇

Nothing.

I couldn’t find anything.

I checked every piece of clothing Roderick had worn to make sure nothing was missed.

Roderick’s personal belongings. The code he used in the mercenary group. Traces of looting from bandits. None of these elements were present.

Even before burying Roderick and Eshutiel, a thorough investigation had been conducted. The results were the same as the day he was found dead.

“It’s natural… It’s so obvious…”

The fact that it wasn’t natural was also a problem.

Indeed, the Empress knew Roderick well enough to call him a confidant. The proposition that the assassin known as the plague had passed away without any gain was a contradiction.

So where did Roderick leave clues?

Grasping onto the fading mind, I logically reconstructed the situation.

‘Roderick was being chased with Eshutiel. It would have been easy to hide something in the winter mountains, but if I couldn’t find any clues, it would be meaningless.’

Therefore, if Roderick hid clues, it must be a place where I could discover them. Even in the confusing winter mountains.

But how?

In this environment, where could I find a place that I could believe I would definitely find?

At least not here.

Before asking, I thoroughly searched, even tearing apart my rationality. Yet, there were no plausible clues.

Was there an accomplice?

Was there someone close enough and physically near enough to help Roderick in that situation…?

At the moment when my thoughts reached that point.

“… Ah.”

My throat clicked.

Desperately holding onto my collapsing reason, I consider an absurd hypothesis, ignoring the tingling sensation throughout my body.

This can’t be.

This shouldn’t be happening.

It existed.

Internally or physically, there was someone close to Roderick, without a doubt.

I knew that all along, but I didn’t consider it. I had been avoiding it because I didn’t want to believe it.

I had always assumed that the girl I had seen was the most innocent and fragile in the world, so it couldn’t have been her.

With trembling lips, I called out her name.

“Eshutiel…”

The only girl who ran away with Roderick.

The one who knew him well, the Marquess Yeong-ae, who always bickered with him. As she had a rough childhood, the beautifully grown-up leader of the windmill mercenary group, Geum Ji-ok, was none other than Esutier.

Can Esutier really hold the clue to the incident?

Even with Roderick by her side.

Is that really possible?

I know Esutier well. Just by looking at her ominous blade, I know she is a naive girl who would cringe at the sight of it.

Is it really necessary to uncover Esutier’s body?

Is it permissible to do this to resolve my doubts?

“Esutier… Esutier, Esutier… What should I… What should I do to you…”

Can I face you with a clear mind?

How can I embrace you, who have rotted away, with what kind of heart?

“Ah… Agh…”

While silently questioning, I slowly make my way towards where Esutier lies.

Each step feels heavy as if carrying a mountain on my back. Even with endless time, it seemed impossible to reach this short distance.

But reality was cruel.

I was kneeling in front of her coffin after just a few steps.

“Ha… Ha… Huh…”

My breathing was heavy.

My head was spinning.

My hands touched Esutier’s coffin in a blurry vision like a pond scattered with sand.

Finally, Esutier’s coffin opened.

Creak.

“Ah… Uwaaa… Uwaaaaaaah!!!”

I screamed as if my throat would be torn apart.

Tears fell endlessly.

Seeing the once lively appearance turned into a lifeless figure of my younger sister made my heart ache as if it was being stabbed repeatedly.

It hurt so much that I felt like I would faint.

My heart felt like it was burning.

“Esutier… Esutier…!”

I embraced her decaying body.

I gave warmth to her freezing body.

It was the only futile act I could do as a bereaved brother.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… Esutier…”

How painful must it have been.

How terrifying it must have been.

How miserable must that child have felt on the day she was dying so tragically despite only hearing and seeing good things at a young age.

“I will definitely… definitely make them pay. I will… I will make sure of it.”

So please. I hope you understand, Esutier.

I will hurt you just once.

“I love you.”

And so, my hand rummaged through Esutier’s abdomen.

Squelch.

The cold and sticky sensation traveled up my hand to the top of my head. The terrifying feeling made my veins feel like they would burst.

I caught something.

A round and hard object.

I found it in the place where her stomach was.

It was a button.

A finely crafted button of pure silver.

There was no reason for Esutier to have this in her stomach. More precisely, it shouldn’t have been there.

“Uh… Ha… Ah…”

My breath was caught in my throat.

What was the feeling?

What feeling did you have when you swallowed the button?

Roderick must have handed you the captured button.

You must have hidden it somehow.

You had to leave evidence.

Roderick must have had it after you died. So maybe he entrusted it to you. To swallow it.

And you, trembling in fear, swallowed the button while Roderick was engaged in battle.

…

No, maybe Roderick failed to leave a clue.

Perhaps you swallowed the button that fell during the battle yourself.

Or maybe Roderick searched the body he had defeated and you swallowed what he found.

Come to think of it, you were always a determined child.

It wasn’t just a simple act of kindness. Perhaps it was because he grew up in a mercenary group, but there were times when his rebellious side stood out.

… In the end, there was no way for me to find out the whole truth.

What’s important is that you held this small button in the cold ground for me.

Yes.

The secret order operated by Lua Te Hoojukka.

It was never revealed to others, and even I only happened to come across this button engraved with a sentence.

I remembered my first encounter with Esutiel.

It was a past where I was crying out in a laundry room where I was being persecuted.

“The world hates us. That’s why no one is here. I’m alone. I want to be left alone… sniff…”

Esutiel undoubtedly saw through everything.

The world hates us.

It seems to be the case.

Otherwise, there is no way to deny the reason for my second life being unjustly denied.

I can’t accept it.

I can’t accept the reality that the price of the world hating us should be paid by Roderick and Esutiel, not me.

If that’s the case, I will tear it apart.

If the world hates us, then I can hate the world too.

Isn’t that how people live?

Just as there were many people who were hated by their parents, many people hated them.

Hatred is definitely reciprocated.

So I will reciprocate.

To the world that persecuted us.

To my world that has been turned upside down.

I will return everything.

Dark clouds gather.

A handful of darkness multiplies and rises to the sky, covering the sky as time passes.

First, the winter mountain.

Then the nearby village.

And as the sun sets, beyond the horizon.

“Descend.”

Raindrops fall.

Each drop diligently hitting the ground, increasing the density of the gaps.

It was rain filled with mourning.

What comes next is filled with anger.