episode_0104

Since I was young, I was not a very sociable person.

With a father as tough as a rock and a mother who was gentle but not good at expressing her feelings.

Perhaps because I grew up under their influence, I also inherited their traits and found it difficult to get along with people.

“Hey! Do you want to try this? It’s really good!”

“I don’t want to eat that.”

“Aww…”

Even if someone mustered up the courage to approach me, I would coldly push them away.

I did make efforts to change this, but when things started to improve slowly.

“That guy, right? Not worth the trouble.”

“Don’t speak so loudly, he might come over and say something. He’s really sensitive and prickly, you know?”

“Oh… let’s just go to the bookstore quickly. I don’t want to talk to that guy.”

…My reputation had deteriorated to the point where it was irreparable with just a slight improvement.

Good rumors are quickly forgotten, but bad rumors are not easily erased.

The rumors that had been accumulating since elementary school burst out when I reached high school.

Some might say that I exaggerated.

Or question if the fact that I tried to change was a lie.

…Well.

There is a possibility that my efforts were lacking.

Even now, I sometimes regret it.

I wish I had tried a little harder, I say to myself.

But unfortunately, there was no exaggeration in what I said.

A harmless sentence that started from one person’s mouth.

The power it held was stronger than the effort a child had put in for years to fix the problem.

From 5th grade elementary school to 3rd grade middle school.

The short but long five years were enough time for a child to despair and give up.

As I became more accustomed to the feeling of loneliness, my heart broke and I stopped trying to change.

No matter how hard I tried, nothing changed, and even the slightest trace of regret disappeared.

“I guess I’m just someone who has to live like this.”

A period of storm and stress.

The despair I experienced during my wandering rooted deep in my heart, making me even lonelier.

But I no longer struggled.

Now, I just went with the flow.

“Let it be.”

If there were no variables, I would continue to live the same life in high school.

After the high school entrance ceremony, until I went to my assigned class.

I thought that way, but…

“Damn, how does your face shine like that? Hey, what’s your name? Oh, should I introduce myself first? I’m Han Jiwoo. Nice to meet you, even though it’s short.”

…An unexpected variable appeared before me.

In a warm atmosphere, Jiwoo, with a playful smile, extended his hand to me.

The meeting between the always shining guy and the endlessly gloomy me.

“Are you close with me?”

Honestly.

It was the worst possible scenario.

Even now, it’s honestly dizzying to think about.

If he hadn’t thought of it as a cheerful joke, how would I have been living now?

It was truly fortunate for me that he took my complaining words as a joke, considering Jiwoo was a very unique guy.

“Haha! This guy is hilarious, right? If we get along from now on, we’ll be friends, right?”

Perhaps, that was the moment.

A ray of light was cast into my dark life.

The warmth of that ray of light was so comforting that I couldn’t ignore the handshake he offered.

“…I’m Yoon Jaehyuk. Nice to meet you.”

I greeted him, uttering words that I wouldn’t normally say.

I can still say with confidence.

The choice I made back then.

I consider it the best choice I will never have in my life again.

—–

Even at the beginning, honestly, I didn’t think my relationship with Jiwu would last this long.

It’s more accurate to say that I didn’t have high expectations.

A few days later, when I started getting closer to other guys, they would hear rumors about me and try to distance themselves.

It’s something I’ve experienced several times before.

Because I was sure that if I got too close, I would end up disappointed again, I kept a proper distance as usual this time.

And a few days after the new semester started, a series of events that troubled me began to unfold in front of me.

“Hey, do you know who that guy is and why you’re so close with him?”

“What, Yoon Jaehyuk? Why?”

“He’s famous for having a bad personality. You didn’t know?”

“He doesn’t seem to have a bad personality. He’s a bit harsh with his words though.”

“…Anyway, don’t get too close. Do you know how many people have been hurt because of him?”

“Oh, really? Thanks for letting me know.”

After spreading malicious gossip, the girl glanced at me for a moment and then returned to her seat.

Even though I had gotten used to it, the pain was still there, so I sighed and tried to erase the bitter pain.

Jiwu, who had sat down next to me without me noticing, smirked mischievously and teasingly asked me a question.

“Hey, dude, how messed up do you have to live for everyone to pour out nothing but bad things about you? Ugh, I’m sick of it. I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

“…If you’re annoyed, just avoid them like the others. Why are you bothering me?”

“I only believe what I’ve experienced. To me, you’re just a funny guy who always complains.”

“Empty vessels make the most noise.”

At that moment, I chuckled to myself.

I thought that the guy in front of me wouldn’t be any different from the other guys.

He would just talk big and then drift away, leaving soon.

Yes, that’s what I thought.

“Hey, complainer. What was the lunch menu today?”

“Are you a loser? Seriously, with that appearance? Oh, right. You were famous for having a terrible personality, right?”

“Why are you living so boringly? If I were you, I would have killed myself out of boredom a long time ago, seriously.”

“Look at this. It’s about a hero who defeats all the villains with one punch. Even if you’re not interested in subculture, you might find it fun.”

…Jiwu was different from the other guys.

He kept his word and continued to treat me as a friend.

“Is this a bit different this time?”

A small hope that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

To avoid getting hurt, I had to let go of hope without any regrets, just like I had done so far.

But I couldn’t do that.

The warmth that this fleeting light gave off was too comforting.

“I watched the one you recommended yesterday.”

“Oh, really? How was it?”

“It was boring, so childish that I just watched the first episode and went to sleep.”

“Hey, Yoon Jaehyuk. I think I’ve told you this before…”

“?”

“Can’t you say it nicely? You’re making the recommender feel bad.”

“…”

If I stayed silent, even the faint light I had managed to find would disappear.

I, who had been standing still for a while, began to make an effort to change once again.

Perhaps it would be the last time.

To not lose this warm light.

—–

After nearly a year of relentless effort, watching the guy who surpassed even Copybara in social skills.

As soon as I entered the second year, I was able to make friends with other guys besides Jiwu.

It could be called a significant development.

I was able to fill out a survey for three friends for the first time.

There were some quirks, but it wasn’t a bad direction, so I didn’t need to worry about it.

Thanks to my good friends, I slowly started to regain what I had lost, albeit slowly.

Rewarding feeling as if all the hard work has paid off.

I thought only happy things would come from now on, but the biggest trial was finding me when I was deeply immersed in joy.

“Hello! I’m Park Harin! Let’s get along well as partners for a month!”

“Yeah, sure.”

…The most severe aftermath of all the trials lingered with me.

Was it because I met friends who didn’t care about what others said one after another?

Approaching me to be friends, I accepted her into my heart without any guard.

Although it was in a different way from Jiwu, the voice and words that made people comfortable.

Since the atmosphere was similar, I thought Harin wouldn’t care about what others said, just like Jiwu.

But the reality was…

It was very different from what I had thought.

“…Harin? Can I ask, can you tell me why you don’t accept confessions?”

“Sorry, Jaehyuk, I like kind people.”

“I don’t remember ever being rude in front of you?”

“Sorry.”

I could confidently say that many things had changed while hanging out with friends.

To exaggerate a bit, I could say that I had become a different person.

Had I ever shown a bad side in front of Harin?

No, when I tried to recall, it didn’t exist.

All that came to mind was the effort I made to look better.

But why did Harin…

Keep making strange excuses like liking kind people?

“…Did you hear from others that I have a bad personality?”

“…”

“Let’s forget about the confession. I… I was thinking about you all wrong.”

Being with her made my heart feel at ease.

It was so similar to the warm light that first reached out to me, that my heart was stolen away.

But as I got to know her, the warmth that had risen in my heart turned cold.

Ah, Harin was no different from the others.

The friends who maintained a relationship with me were nothing special.

My mouth felt bitter.

A corner of my heart ached.

My stomach felt queasy, and I felt like vomiting.

Was this the pain of parting?

Or the lingering feeling of disappointment?

Parting with my first love.

It was painful yet empty.