episode_0047

At that moment, Topaz Palace.

Today too, Rudel was processing paperwork while lost in thought.

Most of them were imperial documents, including plans and procedures for banquets, official events, and meetings with diplomatic envoys.

But nothing came into her eyes. She couldn’t do anything because the sweet and innocent memories from back then kept coming to her mind.

This was the first time in Rudel’s 20 years of life that she had experienced anything like this.

Whenever I think about the times I spent with him, my face gets hot and my heart starts pounding.

But that chilling feeling actually feels good, so I want to keep this state.

It was the longing and desire that she could no longer suppress that consumed her.

To maintain that state, to continue feeling this thrill, Rudel never stopped thinking about the man named Johan Harsen.

The experience of walking along the zodiac while holding hands, the smile I saw in the cave, and even the memories of that time when we shared body heat with just a little contact.

I haven’t forgotten a single thing.

I didn’t want to forget.

“Haa…”

Finally, Rudel sighed.

Rudel’s life from then on was no different than walking through a forest filled with poisonous fog.

I became gradually addicted to a man named Johan Harsen, and by the time I came to my senses, I was already unable to escape.

Just a little more, isn’t this okay? Isn’t it still within the acceptable range?

These complacent thoughts were slowly eating away at her.

‘This is… really serious.’

Sigh. Rudella smiled faintly. It must have been a very difficult situation, but it didn’t seem difficult at all.

It was because these feelings I was feeling now were new and exciting, and because there was a strange, subtle sense of anticipation that felt good.

‘I might not be able to go back now.’

Although she was more accustomed to restraining her emotions and suppressing her desires than anything else, she no longer had the confidence to do so.

It was too sweet to forget the new feeling I had already discovered.

What is this that makes my heart ache, or is it something that makes me happy just thinking about it…

But… Rudella knew.

That I would never be able to see the end of these feelings.

He is the lover of none other than Princess Perbache, who is about to be married.

She was destined to become the crown princess and the future ruler of the empire.

However, it is not that there was no way.

If that man had chosen her, Johan, Rudella could have immediately cut ties with her family and given up her crown princess status.

In that case, only the name Rudel would remain, but she didn’t mind losing all rights and powers as long as she could be with Johan.

The disease called love was so vicious and sweet.

but…

Unfortunately, Johan Harsen will not be choosing himself.

Because he is upright and will never betray his lover no matter what happens.

“The sky… how can it be so indifferent?”

Rudel looked out the window and muttered quietly. The moon had just risen and was in full bloom, casting a soft moonlight.

As her desires and longings grew, she wanted more and more.

At first, it was nice to just look at him, and nice to just think about him, but now I really wanted him.

But this feeling will never be conveyed.

There’s no way he’ll accept this feeling.

‘I wish I was… Princess Pervace.’

At that moment, Rudella put aside the papers she was working on and quietly looked out the window.

dripping.

A servant from the Topaz Palace knocked on the door.

-Miss, a guest has arrived. He is waiting in front of the Topaz Palace.

“Guest?”

Rudel tilted her head. No matter how much she thought about it, there was no guest who would come to the Topaz Palace at this hour.

The Empress sees him every morning, and the Crown Prince never comes to the Topaz Palace no matter what happens.

“Who is it?”

-Harsen is a special wizard.

“!!!”

The moment she heard that name, Rudel’s heart sank. A shiver ran through her body as if struck by lightning.

Why did he come to see me?

But that question wasn’t important now.

“Wait a minute, tell him to wait a minute.”

Rudel quickly got up from her seat and looked at the mirror hanging on the wall.

I fixed my hair, which was a bit disheveled because it had been hanging out, and carefully checked to make sure my makeup wasn’t ruined anywhere.

Only after she was sure that everything was fine could she answer.

“Ahem. Tell them to come into the Topaz Palace.”

-yes.

As she said that, Rudel clenched and unclenched her hand for no reason, stroked her lips, and tapped her cheek with her fingertips.

Sometimes I look out the window, wondering if I might see John…

I looked in the mirror and turned my head to see if I looked strange…

After waiting in a state of restlessness for several minutes, the servant finally knocked on the door.

-Miss, the Harsen Special Wizard has arrived.

“…come in.”

Click. The door opened and a man appeared. Dark blue hair with a soft sheen and deep blue eyes. It was clearly Johan Harsen.

“It’s been a while, Lady Bismark.”

He greeted her politely and smiled lightly. Seeing that smile, Rudella moved her lips briefly, swallowed once, and answered.

“…Welcome.”

Rudel swallowed the words that were rising in her throat.

I barely managed to suppress my emotions that seemed like they would explode at any moment, but in my heart, I had already crossed that line several times.

However, the only reason I kept silent was because I was afraid that this moment would be broken.

“Can I sit down?”

“Spread out, make yourself comfortable.”

As John sat down on the sofa, Rudella sat across from him.

“We will bring you tea.”

Even though she didn’t say anything, a servant from the Topaz Palace brought teacups onto a tea cart and set them up.

As steam rose from the tea, the room was filled with the slowly spreading scent of flowers and herbs.

“…What brings you here today?”

Rudella asked. It was only after the servant left that she opened her mouth.

“I have some business to attend to at the palace. I also heard news about Lady Bismark recently, so I decided to visit while I was here.”

Rudelha tilted her head.

“News?”

“Yes.”

John continued, picking up his teacup.

“I heard from His Highness the Crown Prince that you often have trouble concentrating on your work and are in a daze. I came to see you because I was worried that it might be the aftereffects of the attack you were in back then.”

The corners of Rudel’s lips twitched slightly. Was she saying that he had come to see her because he was worried about her? She was so happy about that.

The fact that he even had such thoughts means that the name Rudella was engraved in a corner of his heart.

“Aftereffects… no. It’s just… I’ve just had a lot to think about lately.”

“Is that so?”

Johan put down his teacup and looked at Rudella intently. Just that look made her heart pound like crazy.

“If it’s something simple, that’s great.”

John laughed lightly. Rudella wiggled her fingers for no reason and looked around.

Does he know? Why did he become like this? He probably has no idea.

No, you may have vaguely noticed it. You’ve shown it a lot through your actions.

Still, the reason he came to ask about my well-being was probably because he had a warm heart.

“I guess you couldn’t concentrate on work today either.”

“I’m going to take a quick look at the desk in the office,” said John. “There were piles of papers there that I hadn’t even touched yet.

“I’ve been like this lately. I can’t concentrate at all…”

Horok. Rudel took a sip of her teacup. She still couldn’t meet Johan’s eyes.

“Why do you think that is?”

“That’s…”

I couldn’t say it. How could I say that I couldn’t go about my daily life because I kept thinking about you, even when I tried?

It wasn’t just because it was an act of crossing the line. I was too embarrassed to say that to the person involved.

“If it’s difficult, you don’t have to tell me. Everyone has their own worries.”

Fortunately, he didn’t dig too deep. Rudella felt relieved by that, but also felt a strange sense of regret.

If the conversation had continued like this… I could have revealed my feelings and told him about them.

‘…No.’

But that thought didn’t last long. It was something that could never happen.

Because you might lose the distance you have now because of your greed to get closer.

“I think it’s okay, so I’ll go now.”

As John tried to get up from his seat, Rudella looked at him with wide eyes.

“Are you leaving already?”

“Yes. I just stopped by to say hello today.”

“… … .”

Rudel’s hand lingered in the air. The desire to hold him clashed with the logic that told her not to.

But… why is that?

She didn’t want to let it go like this. The desire to be with him even more took hold of her.

Was it because I had been thinking about it for so long? I could no longer suppress the longing that was rising in my heart.

Rudel made a brave suggestion.

“…Wouldn’t you like to walk in the garden?”

“Are you talking about the garden?”

“That’s right.”

Rudel, feeling her face heat up, quickly turned her head away in case he saw her face flushed red.

“Sometimes… I just want to get some fresh air.”

“… … .”

When there was no answer, Rudella continued to ramble.

“Pear, the lilies are in full bloom. They look so pretty… I wanted to show you too… Ah, if you don’t have time, if you’re busy, you can go… This is just a simple suggestion…”

She didn’t even know what she was saying. She was just adding random things so that he wouldn’t think it was strange.

“…Are you going back?”

Ludella raised her gaze slightly and met Johan’s eyes. Looking into those deep blue eyes, she felt as if her heart was being sucked into hers.

Thud. Thud.

My heart pounded. My fingertips twitched and opened and closed repeatedly, and my lips quivered.

I wished he had realized what I meant when I said we should walk in the garden together, and that I would never have known.

Rudel was constantly struggling between desire and reason, which she could not decide on.

“Um…”

John checked the watch on his wrist and then nodded.

“Okay, if you’re just looking around the garden for a bit, that’s fine.”

When he accepted the offer, the corners of Rudel’s mouth rose slightly. This was also an expression of her suppressed emotions as much as possible.

“Then let’s go right away.”

As Rudella stood up and was about to leave, Johan stopped her for a moment.

“It’s cold. You’d better ask the servant to bring a coat.”

Winter was just around the corner. It wasn’t cold enough to make snow fall yet, but it was cold enough.

“Ah… I guess so.”

Rudel nodded and rang the bell that was at her fingertips. As soon as the tinkling sound was heard, a servant came in.

“Bring outerwear.”

* * *

It was a moonlit night.

Even the soft moonlight couldn’t completely erase the winter shadows that lingered over the flower garden.

The white lilies in full bloom had their heads bowed, crushed by the weight of the approaching winter.

When the soft moonlight fell on the flower petals, the light was tinted red somewhere.

By that, Rudel could tell. Her own gaze was reddening and that was why she was seeing it that way.

“It’s much more beautiful than the last time I came.”

John, who was walking in the garden with me, looked around and said, his attention completely focused on the lily garden.

“The magic has taken effect, so it’ll be even more beautiful next April.”

“Because that’s the season of lilies?”

“That’s right.”

Rudel placed her hand next to his. The warmth of Johan’s fingertips tempted her as the winter wind blew.

I could have reached it with just one finger movement, but I hesitated, fearing even that short distance.

At that moment, Johan turned his head and looked at her. Rudella blushed and withdrew her hand in a hurry.

He said.

“Lady Bismark will shine even brighter when that time comes. She is the one who suits lilies better than anyone else.”

At those words that came suddenly, she felt as if her heart had stopped.

“Ah…”

The emotions that I had tried to suppress for a long time with reason completely collapsed in that moment.

He doesn’t know how much of a ripple his careless words create inside her.

For Rudela, Johan’s voice, his smile, and this moment of walking together in the silence of the garden were so precious.

She asked herself.

I’ve endured so much so far, how much more do I have to suppress here?

The answer had already been decided. The longing grew stronger and stronger, and the coldly suppressed desire became a hot flame that consumed her heart.

At this moment, she wished she could be his everything. She wanted to hold on to this man who was endlessly thirsting for her in the name of love.

“…Harsen Special Wizard.”

“Yes.”

When Rudella called his name, Johan looked at her with a calm face.

“I…”

Her lips were dry and cracked, and her tongue felt heavy, like a foreign substance.

How did it become so burdensome to string together thoughts into a single sentence?

Rudelah clenched her trembling hands.

“I want you.”

Her voice trembled slightly.

Her breath came out in thin gasps, but Rudella forced herself to swallow even that breath.

The breath that had settled deep in my chest became a solid weight in my lungs.

It was just an ordinary breath, but to her it was a sign of her unwavering determination.

“…be my man.”