episode_0150

“Long time no see, Raul, my other half.”

“Leila.”

The beautiful blond hair fluttered in the spring breeze of the garden. Or was it the autumn rain? Or was it the cold winter wind? No, I don’t care about the names of such trivial things.

The only thing that matters is that Leila is right in front of me. In front of that fact, the names of seasons are worth less than dog food.

I ran towards Leila. Even though I was out of breath, strangely, my hand did not touch her. Why was that? It was a meeting I had been longing for. It seemed like it would be just a little longer before we could touch her.

“I am… here. Leila. My other half. Now I am here with you. So now take my hand…!”

My hands and feet were going crazy. While Leila was away, I forced myself to comfort myself, acted like a stone with no emotions, and just lived my life turning my eyes away from all the values of this world.

Because I felt like I would go crazy if I didn’t do that. Because I felt like my eyes would roll back if I didn’t do that.

Desperately suppressing and enduring, I killed my emotions. I killed my ego that screamed at me to be angry and sad.

“Why won’t you hold me! You have to understand me! Even if others don’t, you have to understand me! You’re my other half! You know me! You have to feel what I feel!”

I was being unreasonable. There was no proper basis or reason for my words.

Just like those who threw stones at me, I ignored rationality in order to vent what I was suppressing.

Rationality has never been on my side, so why should I care about it?

“Raoul. You know that. You’re being a tantrum right now.”

“Look at that tree! Look at that giant tree I’ve grown in this heart! You showed me! How to kill these emotions! So I killed them! Sadness! Anger! I killed every impulse and desire! ”

This was my imagination.

In my mind, reproducing the terribly lonely garden I had fled to every day as a child, there were only these huge trees, weeds, and withered flowers.

Because that giant tree blocked out the sunlight, only useless, tough weeds of life grew properly. Just like my mind, which was left with only tough emotions like disgust and disappointment.

And the other flowers were dying from lack of sunlight. They were fragile flowers that could die even if you raised them with care. Just like the fragile emotions of dreams and hopes.

“Look, Leila… This dying garden. This desolation that I’ve created just for that one tree. That tree is my heart that I’ve nurtured for you…! It’s proof of my longing heart that I’ve nurtured, believing only in your words…!”

“This? A tree this big? This sad banyan tree that you can’t find a single flower in?”

“Don’t belittle it! You were the one who told me to kill my heart! I was your demigod, so I just followed what my demigod said! That tree is proof of my heart toward you! It’s proof of my obedience to you, and it’s a sign that I’ve been only remembering you!”

“Don’t make me laugh, Raoul Bergé. There’s no way such an ugly thing could be in your heart.”

Those words cracked my heart.

It felt like moisture was rising in my cracked and torn heart.

Because Leila shouldn’t betray my heart like this.

“You’re the one who’s making me laugh, Leila Nevermore! You’re the one who told me that! That’s why I’ve killed so many of my selves! Me who shouted at me to be angry at the malice directed at me! Me who urged me to shed tears in sorrow over the misfortune that had befallen me! Me who tempted me to live selfishly, ignoring the feelings of others! I’ve killed them all! You can’t betray me like this, the me who killed me just for you!!!!!!!”

Buried beneath that enormous tree were the corpses of countless ‘me’s.

I stabbed him in the heart and buried him under that tree to vent my anger on the one who spread false rumors about me.

They beheaded me and buried me under that tree, to mourn the end of my life.

Without caring about what the people around me thought, I told them the whole truth and buried my limbs under that tree, hoping to get their cheap sympathy.

I’m saying that he killed me only for Leila’s sake.

Because it was Leila who showed me how to kill it.

“That’s what I told you so that you wouldn’t get swept up in them and die on the battlefield! Because sadness and anger were poison on the battlefield! Because you needed to be cold and sharp like a blade! I didn’t tell you to be cold and sharp, you idiot!!!”

I reached out to Leila, who was spitting harsh words at me.

If only I could reach Leila, she would understand me.

If we hold hands and look into each other’s eyes once more, Leila will understand my devotion.

Still, Leila wouldn’t let me touch her.

I was frustrated by the rejection that was sharper than any words or sword.

“How could this be, Leila! I loved you!!! You should love me too!!! You’re my other half!!!”

“Because you’re my demigod! Because I love you! Because I love and cherish you more than anyone else in the world!!!”

Something that shouldn’t have flowed from Leila’s eyes.

“So… this is what you’re doing, you idiot…”

“Leila, are you crying now…? You…?”

“Yeah… How can you not cry?”

Leila cried and dug through the dirt under the tree.

And what appeared along with the stench were countless ‘me’s.

It was the countless ‘me’s’ that I had killed and buried. It was the group of ‘me’s’ that had forced me to be honest.

“I love you…! You killed that ‘you’! You tore and cut and killed the person I love, time and time again! ”

The clear tears flowing from Leila’s eyes fell on the headless ‘me’.

“What do you think I felt, looking at your countless corpses, deeply rooted in your heart? Do you know how miserable it was? Do you know how painful it was? Don’t you know how sad it was!!! The death of a half-body that you only felt once!!! I repeated it thousands of times!!!!!!”

Only then did I realize why I couldn’t reach Leila.

What was blocking me was the crystallization of her transparent tears. They formed a wall, blocking me from squeezing out those tears.

“It’s not that I’m rejecting you. You’re rejecting yourself, and you’re rejecting me, the other half of you that you rejected. I want to touch you too… I want to hold your warm hand too…”

Leila also looked at me with her hand on the crystal of transparent tears.

“My heart yearns for you so much, but I can’t reach it… It’s hotter than any flame… It’s stronger than any storm… It’s clearer than any star, but I can’t hold your hand.”

“I’m sorry Leila, really Leila.”

“Raoul Bergé.”

Leila stopped crying and kissed the wall of tears.

“But that doesn’t mean that the heart can’t be proven. After all, the heart can’t be seen or touched.”

Leila said, stroking the tree in my mind.

“So all evidence of the mind that can be seen with the eyes is an illusion. All evidence of the mind that can be touched is also false. Ironically, the mind can only be proven by the mind.”

I had no choice but to sit down.

Because I knew that fact better than anyone else.

“So this isn’t proof of your beautiful heart, Raoul. It’s just a monster that sucked the blood of the person I loved and grew by feeding on their corpse.”

“I… Then what have I been doing until now…”

How many foolish things have I repeated so far?

I was the worst human being. I regretted slaughtering the giants, but I am just a fool who repeated the same foolish actions as back then.

Wouldn’t it be right for this ugly self to just disappear?

“No. Don’t blame you. This is entirely my fault.”

“But I…”

“You said it. I was the one who taught you that. Yes, I was the one who planted that seed. I was the one who pulled the trigger on your despair. In other words, it was because of me that that seed sprouted.”

Leila again placed her hand over the wall of tears.

“You just worked hard to grow the sprouts that I planted and sprouted. You can’t blame a loyal gardener. It’s just a shame that you burned what I cherished and used it as fertilizer.”

“No… This is just my foolishness…”

“I told you. I love you. Don’t insult the person I love.”

I couldn’t tolerate it.

I couldn’t accept that it was Leila’s fault that I loved her.

It was my fault. It was my fault. It was my weakness and lack of courage. It was all my fault, my fault, my great fault.

“You can’t undo mistakes. You can turn back the clock, but you can’t turn back time. The same goes for our hearts. You can’t undo a twisted and wounded heart. It’s the same with human relationships. A broken relationship can’t go back to how it was before.”

“… Yeah.”

“But.”

As I raised my head and looked up at her, bright sunlight illuminated my face.

Because now on her face was that bright smile that I loved so much.

“But you can fix it, right?”