episode_0110

All I could see was darkness.

I decided to just walk aimlessly. It would be an act not much different from my life. A life where I can’t see ahead but can’t stop, so I just walk in the direction I’m looking.

I walked and stopped, then stopped and started again, following the same steps without knowing the direction.

There were people who walked with me along the way, but in the end, that too was only a fleeting relationship.

‘Raoul, Jim recognizes and trusts everything about you except your speaking skills.’

‘Raoul, I am always grateful to you. Except for the occasional tantrum when we talk.’

‘…Your mouth is definitely trash. But I still think there is no one like you. Since I acknowledge it, you can consider it an honor to your family.’

‘Raoul. My proud other half. I understand. The sadness inside you. The kindness beyond your clumsy lips. And the wounds inside you.’

I had friends, too. They could shine without me. Without them, I would have died long ago. I didn’t contribute even a little to their brilliance.

‘Raoul. My son. People worry about you because you’re not very social, but… don’t worry too much. You’ll grow up to be a better man than your father.’

‘Hey, raccoon. Let me tell you something. In war, you are the worst among your peers. But, you know. In hunting, you will be a more effective beast than I.’

‘Woohoohoo. I wondered what kind of guy would come after you since you were His Majesty’s friend… but you have the makings of a great head of the household. Hmm~ I liked that too, very much. I give special words to a friend like that♬.”

It’s not like there weren’t any adults who acknowledged me.

But all that recognition and socializing didn’t suit my shabby self. Rather, the dazzling light seemed to illuminate my shabbiness hidden in the darkness.

I am not Berger, for I am not his son. I am not a hero, for I killed my friend. I am not the head of the family, for I cannot pursue the interests of the family.

Then… what on earth am I? I am just a half-penny that fits the shadows cast by the trees in the garden.

“… Idiot.”

It was a voice I missed. It was a voice I vaguely recalled in my mind every day.

“Half-body…?”

“No, I’m calling you an idiot.”

I raised my head.

I saw his back.

That image that I drew and erased every day. That image that made me pray to God for something that would never be answered, wishing I could see it in my eyes every day. That image of her back that I couldn’t help but love.

“Leila……”

I decided to chase after Leila, who was standing at the edge of that horizon.

If I could just hold her hand one last time, I wouldn’t mind dying. Even if I had to give everything I had, I could give it. Even if I had to burn in hell for eternity, I could smile and turn to charcoal.

If only I could be a speck of dust scattered beside her, I was confident I could give up this dirty life over and over again.

“Let me die by your side. Leila…!”

“… You really are such a clueless fool.”

Even if I ran at full speed, I couldn’t catch that stray figure. It was so frustrating that for every step I took, she would move ten steps further away.

Leila is so fast that she overwhelms all of us and even the Demon King praises her. It was only natural that she was so slow that she couldn’t keep up.

But I wanted her so desperately that I wanted to say that such reasoning was useless. I wanted to see her so badly that I wanted to ignore such reasoning. I was holding her hand so tightly that I wanted to tell her to go eat some shit.

“Didn’t we swear? We are each other’s demigods…! But why…!!!”

“I was relieved that the weeds were disappearing little by little… but this is not it. I wanted you to think of yourself… but I didn’t tell you to become a fool who gives up on everything.”

“What does that mean…?”

“A dumb guy who is also deaf. A dullard who doesn’t even notice even though we talk every day.”

“Why do I keep hearing incomprehensible things…!!!”

“It’s not time yet. It’s not time yet for a dramatic encounter.”

Leila’s figure began to disappear like sand blown by the wind.

Even though I tried my best to run during that gap, I was still dull and insensitive.

“Leila…!!!”

“Forget your feelings for me now. And…be happy together with Camilla.”

And so she disappeared like a mirage.

I haven’t reached you yet. I haven’t seen that lovely face yet.

How can I be happy without you by my side? There are only three things by my side: the sparkles that illuminate my shabby day, the malice that betrays me, and the pebbles that are now worthless to me.

How can someone like me be happy?

Something hot was welling up. I couldn’t possibly kill that feeling. I was so weak that I couldn’t go against the flow of that hot feeling.

“Leila! Don’t be selfish! You’re my other half! No matter what happens, you have to affirm me!!! No matter what the circumstances are, you have to support my decisions!!! You have to accept my desire to die!!!”

It seemed like I had become difficult. So, like a three-year-old child, I started to only pursue my own will.

Who cares about other people’s perceptions? Leila was right in front of me. The gazes of most of the people who were trash were no better than the entrails of a rotten demon.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, absorbed in such childish, primal emotions.

“Why are you leaving me again!! I’m trying to live in memory of you!!! I’m trying my best to live while whitewashing all the values in the world!!!!!!”

Why am I angry at her?

I don’t get angry even at those who throw stones at me.

Why am I angry at my other half?

What is this sharp pain that torments my chest?

“Why don’t you see my efforts, Leila!!!!!!!”

But no answer came back.

I fell to my knees, succumbing to this frustration and harsh reality.

As I stared blankly at the ground, all I could see were the overgrown weeds.

“Why on earth… am I…”

I think it’s okay now.

Whatever form it takes, it’s okay now. Even the reunion with Leila is a bubble now, and there’s no value to anything in the world…

” is not the man I love~.”

Something heavy and dull kicked me in the jaw.

The moment I rose into the air, a woman I couldn’t understand came into view.

“I didn’t know that even in my imagination, you would disturb me.”

I faced her and revealed my discomfort without any filter.

“It’s not even like it’s been a long time, my queen.”

“Can you please call me by my real name, Arisha?”

“We’re not that close, and I don’t even feel like it. I don’t have any hate for you anymore. All that’s left for you is the unknown that I can’t understand.”

“Be glad. How can this not be good news, since your feelings toward me have improved?”

No, I felt like I was starting to feel a sense of disgust.

It would be a similar feeling to a bug that interrupts your sleep.

I didn’t know what kind of bug it was, but I just wanted it to disappear.

“My reunion with Leila fell through… and all I’ve come to do is reunite with you.”

“I also wanted a more dramatic reunion. A reunion just a few days after breaking up. It’s like meeting close friends again… I hate that too. I’m a girl who likes romantic things.”

“Let me tell you something. Only a crazy person would call a woman who is hundreds of years old a girl. And if that’s the case, wouldn’t it have been better if they hadn’t come?”

“I told you, I’m a romantic girl.”

The queen laughed, grabbing my collar.

“You are my romance. What does the order of time mean in front of you?”

“……. How ridiculous. I have no intention of giving anything to you.”

“Yes. I know. As for your feelings towards me. You’re surprisingly quick at grasping topics. So… That’s why I came. To bring forward the opportunity to love you even a little bit.”

And then the hand that was holding me began to glow faintly.

“To atone even a little bit.”

“What is that nonsense…”

Today, strangely enough, it seemed like I was only hearing sounds I couldn’t understand.

“Because you shouldn’t die yet. Because I want to remain unknown in your heart for a long time. Because I can’t let the flame that is you go out like this. Because it’s a flame as hot as my love.”

This is why I hated the Queen.

This way of speaking, which did not consider the listener, was disgusting. Why on earth did he speak based on his own understanding without thinking about the listener?

Don’t you ever think that the listener might feel frustrated?

“So if only that flame could continue to burn.”

“Wait a minute…!”

The light that enveloped the Queen’s hand began to burn her.

Her shell began to billow out in white smoke, and her presence began to fade away little by little.

“I can give you as much as I want of these remnants of my soul. Even if I can’t see you inside of me. Because the flame that is you will continue to burn. I can tell that even without seeing it. Because the fire won’t go out just because I don’t see it.”

Even though she was burning away, she held my hands and smiled brightly as if she was dying.

“So please keep living. Don’t give up. Live more passionately than my love.”

“……”

She kissed my forehead, not caring that I was disappearing.

“I like it.”

“I love you.”

“Please be my lover.”

Before I could even give an answer, he disappeared into white flames, satisfied with himself.

And her white flame became a dazzling light, and the light lifted my heavy eyelids.

“Raoul…?”

Hot tears streamed down my cheeks.

It was my mother’s tears, not mine.

“What the heck is this…”

The necklace I was wearing lost its shine and shattered into pieces, and my mother… no, the countess suddenly hugged me.

And I felt like giving up on understanding this whole situation.