episode_0022

A bitter, burning liquid flowed down my throat.

Even though alcohol is generally a liquid, this type of cheap distilled spirit was especially so. A liquid that has no flavor or anything and exists only to be intoxicated.

If you drink it for that purpose, it may be more effective than any other alcohol, but I didn’t like it that much.

“This drink is surprisingly strong.”

“It only exists to get drunk. Also, aren’t you drinking it straight without even adding water? You can almost see the alcohol in the glass evaporating in real time.”

“You drink alcohol to get drunk. But if I was going to drink water, I would have just drank water from the beginning.”

“You talk like a dock worker.”

“I don’t think it’s much different in that it requires effort.”

She was more elegant and alluring than any other woman, but at the same time, she was rougher and more exciting than any warrior.

Of course, he also had the venomous scheming and venom typical of nobles.

The head of a bird of prey that fascinated everyone, the body of a lion that tore apart its enemies, and behind them was the tail of a viper with deadly venom.

Like a creature from mythology, she charmed countless men on the battlefield and buried many enemies.

“Camilla, what kind of person do you think I am?”

Therefore, I wanted to know what kind of person I would be reflected in those beings.

“… A tragic heroine who built a castle wall instead of a fence after noticing it.”

“I think the gender is wrong.”

“The youngest member of our group, like a baby released by the water.”

“I am one year older than you.”

“And… I’m always sorry friend.”

No matter how clueless I was, I could at least figure out what was the cause of that feeling of regret.

That’s because it’s the yoke that binds me now and the reason why my fiancee hates me.

“Killing her was something someone had to do, and I did it. That’s all, and there’s no reason for you to feel sorry.”

It was better for me to suffer than to see others suffer.

“But it seems like my fiancee won’t forgive me until she dies.”

“In the first place, you didn’t actually get engaged to get married. I’m going to make that spoiled little boy the head of the family…!”

“Camilla.”

She was now a full-fledged head of the family. So it wasn’t something that could be used as a cheap snack in a shabby bar like this.

She is capable and will do well even without me.

” Since the story of the head of the family came up, it came to mind… My sister will soon be holding the inauguration ceremony as the head of the family.”

“I’m not going. When I look at that face, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“That child will be angry.”

“But His Majesty said he was going, so that was it.”

His Majesty was a very sharp person, like the famous sword he wielded.

Even if it is the inauguration ceremony of my sister, whom I have no close relationship with, he will be treated publicly, and that will be enough to gain the dignity of the head of the family.

“Okay. Your Majesty the Empress or you may not know, but Her Majesty the Emperor would not swing a sword on the spot.”

“Okay. There’s no way that fool could end up like that… Ah. It’s nothing.”

She trailed off and filled my glass with alcohol as if to lighten the mood.

I took it without hesitation and drank it down, and again the hot bitter taste went down my throat.

Although I wasn’t a strong drinker to begin with, I could confidently say that I was stronger than the average person.

“Let’s get up now.”

“I’m starting to get drunk, but already?”

“Alcohol would be an appropriate thing to quit at such times. And the two of us drank over 10 bottles of distilled liquor.”

“Anyway, it’s not fun.”

“I’m not a fun person, so follow me and I’ll show you something fun.”

“Something fun?”

She got up and seemed interested. Her Majesty and Camilla suffered from a chronic illness that made it impossible for them to tolerate being interested in children.

Even on the battlefield, it was impossible to estimate how many times the Empress had been troubled by her chronic illness. Of course, every time that happened, the Empress poured out unspeakable curses.

“Where I am staying, please follow me.”

I also put the money on the table and walked straight outside.

“You’re drunk.”

“As you can see, I am in better shape than anyone else.”

“Not your tongue, but your steps. Then fall.”

She grabbed my arm and started supporting me.

He grabbed me gently yet forcefully, as if he were handling a child who couldn’t walk well, so I couldn’t even resist and had to be dragged away.

“Go out from here and turn right and on the main road you will come to, turn left and walk again and you will come to…”

“I’m drunk. Since I only know roughly, can you please stop talking so rapidly?”

As she walked, supported by Camilla, her hair seemed to sparkle in the moonlight.

“… It’s sparkling.”

“Isn’t my beauty a bit like that?”

It seemed like we were both drunk. I can’t believe I’m walking around exchanging small talk like this.

There won’t be many people who will accept this kind of useless story.

“Camilla…”

“Why do you want to confess again?”

“I also know my topic, so that would be impossible.”

“… I really don’t know whose fault this is all.”

“What if… This is just a what if… What would have happened if I could have been a little more selfish?”

I hate what ifs.

Nevertheless, I haven’t been able to stop my bad habit of thinking about ‘what if’ recently.

“If only I could have shouted at my family without thinking about the pain they would feel after finding out the truth… What do you know?… If only I could have been loved by shouting that I sacrificed myself for you. …”

“…”

“I told my fiancee that someone should have killed your sister… I did my duty as a person capable of that… If only I could have gotten angry and asked if you knew how hard I tried to make you the head of the family…◦ @◦

“……”

“If only I could shout to everyone to respect the little time I have left in my life… After living while sweetly enjoying the guilt I owe them… If only I could turn a blind eye to the pain they will feel after I leave… ”

It wasn’t something I hadn’t thought about.

Because I was also human.

Because I wanted to be loved too.

Just the pain they will feel when I tell them the truth, the guilt they will feel, and what they will feel right after I die.

I just put them on a scale and compared them with the pain I felt.

“If I could be that selfish…”

If only I could make light of their suffering and tip the scales towards mine.

“You sound stupid. As expected, he looks drunk.”

“What…?”

“That’s not selfish.”

When I stopped, she also stopped and looked at my empty face.

“I have to say that to be honest.”

“Don’t being honest and being selfish mean the same thing?”

“That’s okay with the people who made you think selfish thoughts.”

“It’s difficult. It’s really difficult. What is acceptable and what is not. Also, what is the difference between being honest and being natural? I really don’t think I know.”

“It’s okay. Someday you will find out. Before you die.”

“I don’t think it’s simple enough to learn in less than a year, but…”

I won’t be able to repeat the same date.

Every date will be my last. I won’t make it to the second June 1st.

“… So we should try.”

“We…?”

“You just move on. Because we are the ones going back to that.”

I decided to go with the flow as she said, trying to understand the incomprehensible sounds.

Miraculously, I was able to reach the Yeongjugwan just by walking with her supporting me.

“… Look. As you can see, I’m not drunk. The fact that I was able to arrive safely like this is proof of that.”

“I’m the one who brought you here.”

“… I don’t know.”

“I’m really going to hit you every time you say you don’t know.”

I just said I didn’t know because I really didn’t know.

Now I’m becoming an idiot who can’t understand anything.

Even if it is an escape from the knowledge that knowledge is pain.

“… Come to think of it, I said I would show you something interesting.”

I have always been a person who tries to keep promises.

If I said I was going to show something interesting, it was my motto to show something interesting.

I climbed the rickety stairs, took out the birdcage hanging in my office, and showed it to Camilla.

“This is the crow I raise…”

“I’ve seen this kind of crow countless times on the battlefield.”

“This guy knows how to speak human language. He’s quite a unique guy. He is also good at swearing at a level comparable to that of Her Highness the Empress…”

However, Camilla seemed to be afraid of the crows, so she just turned her head.

“Try to say something.”

Now that I think about it, has this crow ever made his voice heard to anyone other than me?

I do not know. I couldn’t remember.

“Kaaa…?”

“It’s just a crow.”

“Aaagh….!”

“But why does this crow’s crow sound so unnatural?”

There was something strange about it.

Clearly, this crow was an amazing guy who spoke human language and understood my heart just a little bit.

He was also intelligent enough to fly to me with medicine when I was in danger.

“That’s strange… I was clearly speaking in human language…”

“The surroundings are full of things that don’t sound like words, so the crow’s noise probably doesn’t sound like a horse…”

“He definitely talked to me several times…”

“Damn bitches. How much must you have tormented a child for him to be so mentally driven.”

The mood started to change as if I was crazy enough to talk to crows.

“It’s unfair indeed.”