episode_0017

The rumor that I had behaved inappropriately with Cecilia by the river spread quickly.

Cecilia was so irritated by the rumor that she ended up pounding on the door of the residence, and considering the strength of the door and Cecilia’s strength, I had no choice but to open the door.

“My lord, may I speak to you for a moment!”

“Please come inside. And you will fix the dented door.”

“… Excuse me.”

Cecilia, who entered the residence, looked around and seemed a little surprised to see a noticeably different interior.

“When I came to pick up the medicine, I didn’t notice because I was in a daze, but I was noticeably cleaner.”

“My maid had a hard time. Of course, the kid swore at me for the first time.”

“… I don’t have anything to say about that.”

“I didn’t specifically ask for an apology.”

I sat her down next to the table and resumed cooking.

“I was planning to have lunch soon. Have you eaten lunch?”

“I was busy so I couldn’t eat anything today.”

“In that case, you too. You just need to put in a little more effort.”

“Are you making it yourself…? The maid or the coachman…?”

“They went out to buy groceries. If they weren’t there, wouldn’t it make sense for me to make it myself?”

“That’s unexpected. I thought nobles would hate such things.”

I also don’t particularly like cooking, but I had some basic knowledge.

In the past, I often went hunting with my friends without my teacher knowing and cooked and ate the animals we caught.

“… Thinking about it now, I miss it quite a bit.”

“Yes?”

“I was just talking to myself, so don’t worry about it.”

okay. It was just a wish that had no meaning anymore, like talking to myself without any purpose.

I was able to say that because I knew better than anyone else that time could not be turned back.

I prayed to God thousands of times, even tens of thousands of times, but God did not give me back my clockwork. That is why I defined that wish as meaningless.

“It’s all cooked. Let’s lift it before it gets cold.”

What I made was sautéed quail, a plain omelet, and a simple salad.

To be honest, it was a simple dish that even my maid could make, and the taste was just average, but I didn’t feel the need to put any more effort into cooking it.

“In that case, I will gratefully accept it.”

“It’s too much to be thankful for just one meal.”

I tried cutting up some quail and eating it, but it was still bland.

It was also bland. Even though I seasoned it the way I was supposed to, it was bland and my eyebrows furrowed a little.

“… It’s delicious.”

“I see. It also makes the listener feel better.”

“It has a moderately salty taste, so it’s great.”

It was clear that Cecilia was a somewhat bland eater. Otherwise, there’s no way this bland thing would feel salty.

While she ate it deliciously, I forcibly washed down the tasteless food with water.

I’m sure I would have made it according to the recipe back then, but I could no longer feel the taste and nostalgia of those days.

That fact almost made me a little sad, but I was able to kill even that sadness skillfully.

“Anyway, what is this story about?”

“… Are you aware of the recent scandals going around town?”

The driver came to me and asked me if a rumor was true, so I knew the details.

“A scandal means that you and I had sex…”

“There is no need to say more than that.”

“Anyway, there were rumors going around.”

I took some gold coins out of my pocket and handed them to her.

“What kind of money is this…?”

“This is my apology to you. He must have felt bad that such a rumor had spread about the worst being like me. Also, for your tarnished honor…”

“… You said it before. Can you define the Lord as a person? yes. My lord, you are a man beyond doubt. But!”

She jumped up and hit the table hard enough to make a loud bang.

Then he came towards me and looked at my wide-eyed pupils.

“Why on earth are people so insecure! I don’t feel any sense of self-esteem! I am very uncomfortable with the attitude that it doesn’t matter whether you die or not!”

“I have to ask, is this a protest against me?”

“Yes it is! How could the leader of the village be so insecure? There is no self-love, no self-esteem, no will to live! Don’t you know that such an attitude can’t be good!”

I couldn’t understand what she said.

Therefore, it took some time to analyze and accept those words.

And that time naturally created silence, and I answered, breaking the 30-second silence I had created.

“I wonder why you’re blaming me.”

“Yes…?”

“Those who lost their eyes and became blind, those who lost their hands and were unable to hold weapons, and those who lost their legs and were unable to walk properly. No one criticizes their weak bodies.”

Cecilia seemed to sense what I was going to say and flinched slightly.

“But the lack of heart curses the weakness of the heart. I honestly don’t understand.”

The eyes of my mind have gone blind. That’s why everything feels gray now.

The hand of my heart was cut off. That’s why I couldn’t embrace anything anymore.

The bridge in my heart no longer existed. So now I can’t easily approach someone.

“The body and mind probably aren’t that different. Why does everyone think that mental defects can be easily healed?”

“Sorry. I went off topic again. Also, without even knowing anything, I talk so easily like a fool…”

Why is this happening? Cecilia probably didn’t do anything wrong to me.

Why do we end up criticizing her?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to criticize you.”

While she was hesitating, I tried to recall why I had unknowingly criticized her.

Nevertheless, I still couldn’t think of a clear reason. As if I was subconsciously trying not to recall the reason.

“I just hope that the lord will clarify his likes and dislikes a little. An ambiguous attitude may become a problem when handling work in the future.”

“Keep this in mind.”

“I’d like to ask since I’m speaking, but is there anything you like?”

“I can’t think of anything right now.”

The faces of my friends came to mind, but these were not good things for me, they were like my spine.

It was a being that allowed me to stand upright, a being that became a part of me, and a being that kept me centered so that I would not fall out of alignment.

“Well, then I guess there’s nothing you don’t like.”

“… There’s nothing I don’t like. No, that might be pretty clear.”

“Yes?”

Master felt a little, but humanly reluctant.

I despised people who only talked about what was right but did not put it into practice themselves and forced others to do so.

I also hated people who said encouraging words but took advantage behind the scenes.

But more than anything else.

“I hate dragons and giants more than anyone else.”

Cecilia saw my eyes and began to back away little by little.

“If God asks me what kind of being I want to be born in the next life.”

No matter how much I killed my emotions, I couldn’t kill the feelings I felt toward them. No, I didn’t kill him. Because that feeling is something that should never be killed.

“Without hesitation, I will ask you to be born as a germ that can annihilate all the giants and dragons in this world. It is also a germ that must suffer in pain for as long as possible.”

She had a somewhat troubled look on her face.

“I’m sorry. The personal story ended up being a bit long. Anyway, don’t worry too much about the scandal. I’ll take care of it myself.”

“… Yes. I will also try to resolve any misunderstandings.”

Lately, I’ve been finding myself unable to kill my emotions more often.

Clearly, the emotions that could easily be killed when I was at home were becoming more and more powerful.

“Then I will leave now.”

“Let me at least see you off.”

I saw her off at the front door as she was about to leave, and she also politely accepted my favor.

The only problem was that my maid didn’t clean the front door.

Because of that, Cecilia lost her footing on the protruding stone, and while I was trying to catch her so she wouldn’t get hurt, she ended up falling along with her.

“Are you okay? Because of my carelessness…”

“It’s okay, but…”

The problem was that the eyes of the people standing on the street outside the gate were focused in this direction.

I ended up falling while trying to grab her head and waist, which made me look quite stern, and people only saw the result without seeing what had happened before.

She hurriedly shook me off and stood up, but it seemed like she couldn’t shake off the misunderstanding-filled looks pouring in from around her.

“I know what everyone is imagining, but it’s a misunderstanding!”

But the gaze pouring towards her did not change at all.

Rather, that urgent explanation was adding fuel to the fire of misunderstanding.

And since my explanation didn’t seem to be any different, I decided to sit back and remain silent.

“Lord, please say something! Don’t you all misunderstand!”

“… There’s no need to explain.”

It was clear that the forced explanation would only increase misunderstanding.

“The lord’s words are causing further misunderstanding!”

She was angry at me with her face turning red, but I couldn’t guess the cause of her anger.

There has been a misunderstanding that will not be easily resolved, but it has already happened. Besides, getting angry like this doesn’t change anything.

“But that doesn’t mean I can tell you what happened inside.”

There was no way I could say those embarrassing words I had unconsciously said in front of people because I couldn’t control my emotions.

“Why do you keep creating misunderstandings…!”

Meanwhile, the old man who gave me the bread came up and asked Cecilia.

“You said you would resolve the rumors, but your method was to turn the rumors into truth…?”

“No!”

Cecilia grabbed everyone and started giving meaningless explanations, saying it was all a misunderstanding, but no one seemed to be listening.

And the eyes of those who had not been listening to the story began to focus on me.

“Hmm…”

However, I was not good at talking and even if I explained things well, the result would not be much different from Cecilia’s.

Therefore, to avoid causing further misunderstanding, I quietly opened the door and returned to the residence.

And that night, when the Empress and the Emperor heard my story, they sighed deeply.

Then, even though he was talking through a magic tool, he took out a bottle of strong alcohol and started gulping it down without saying a word.

“Jim considers not entrusting diplomacy to you as the greatest achievement of his life.”

“Raul… Go right away tomorrow and apologize to that woman.”

“… I don’t understand what it means, but I will try.”

And the Empress asked me a question after finishing the bottle of strong drink.

“By the way, Raoul. Killing your emotions has become a little difficult these days?”

“… Yes. First of all, it doesn’t mean you can’t kill your emotions. However, the speed at which it was killed seemed to have slowed down just a little.”

“It is desirable.”

The Empress found my concerns desirable.

“But why do you keep keeping your mouth shut when an explanation is needed?”

“… That is.”

I hesitated a little.

Also, I became a bit clumsy at killing my emotions.

“My fiancee said that my words were getting on her nerves. He said it would be better for me to be dumb. She is a wise woman, so I thought it would be beneficial to follow her advice.”

She asked me to keep my mouth shut for the most part because the only things I said were annoying.

And since I really don’t talk much, I thought it would be better to remain silent than to get on other people’s nerves.

That’s why I just stayed silent. Because I didn’t want to offend their nerves with my mouth.

“Haaaa…”

Then the Empress smashed the glass bottle with a clanging sound and created a weapon that could well be called a weapon.

“It’s really a plague that turns you into a fucking bitch who shoves pieces of glass in your mouth and kicks you to death…”

“Empress…?”

“Her Majesty the Empress…?”

Our night was filled with silence.