episode_0005

This is the desk and office that I saw yesterday, the day before, last week, and last month.

These were things I kept seeing, but things I would soon no longer see, but I observed them again, but I didn’t feel anything special. Even though they boast a long history, they are just old things.

Even if you package it with nice-sounding words, the essence within it cannot be changed.

Even if we package our relationship with the word family, it is as if the essence itself is a relationship that is inferior to others.

“I knew you would come.”

My mother looked down at me with an unchanging cold face. If I woke up now, I could make eye contact, but I didn’t feel the need to.

“Yes. Since such an incident occurred, wouldn’t it be natural for you to come?”

“I told you that I knew you would come because it was obvious.”

At least the conversation with my mother wasn’t dull. That’s why I liked it, and that’s why I hated it.

I liked this conversation with clear connections and breaks because it was simple, but at the same time, I disliked it because it was cold. Because I hated the cold.

“… You’re shameless. No, it was always like that.”

“It is difficult to know the purpose of the visit based on your impressions of me. If you let us know the purpose of your visit, rather than just a sentiment that is nothing new, we will take the best action possible.”

As a dull person, I did not have the talent to understand metaphors unique to aristocrats. Therefore, I preferred direct conversation.

In that respect, my mother’s concise speaking style was easy to understand, but today seemed to be an exception.

“If you just came to swear to resolve your anger, I will listen. If you want to slap me in the face to resolve your anger more effectively, then yes.”

“……”

At my mother’s silence, I remembered the mistake I had made and spoke again.

“I’m assuming that you heard from Liesel in advance as to why you didn’t say anything. If you haven’t heard, I apologize for my rudeness and I’ll tell you again from the beginning.”

Why did I think that we would share everything as a family? I was foolish.

“No. I heard everything. No, I heard that story and took the step myself.”

“… If you say yes?”

“You are consistent until the end.”

“This is an expression I don’t understand.”

“No, there is no need to do that, just listen. Because now we don’t expect you to understand.”

That was quite fortunate. Because there is nothing more frustrating than not knowing that there are areas that I cannot understand.

As you are aware of that fact, I don’t think the conversation that will follow will be tiring.

“Your sister seems to be dissatisfied with you leaving her position as the head of the family without saying a word, but I think a little differently.”

“What if you say it’s different?”

“It means that I am relieved that you are leaving.. This will be the last time of this tiresome argument, of this disillusionment I feel when I see you, and of hearing your heartless voice.”

It was bitter.

And it was a little surprising. I had no idea my mother would say such emotionally charged words.

My mother, who was constantly criticizing me, had a different emotion than usual on her face. What exactly is that feeling? I couldn’t understand it.

“Even when you didn’t watch your father’s deathbed.”

It was true.

“Even when you murdered His Majesty the First Emperor and your sister’s fiancé for the sake of the current Emperor.”

What excuse can you make for that?

“Even when I recommended that prostitute, not your sister, to the position of empress.”

This statement had some room for refutation, but there was no need to refute it. Because I didn’t think there was a need to give an obvious answer that would lead to a fight anyway.

“You had the same expression as you do now. That expression with no trace of emotion whatsoever.”

“Mother.”

I couldn’t possibly guess what was going to happen next.

The conversation we are having now was not what I expected. That’s why I didn’t want to hear it.

There is nothing more fatal than an unexpected attack. And there was no difference between attacks and words.

“I’m really scared of you like that.”

“… Is that so.”

indeed.

I learned something new today. In our relationship, which I thought would remain the same for the rest of my life, like this office, a new evil called ‘fear’ took over.

No, it may have been there for a long time, like the desk in front of me now, but I just didn’t see it. I was a blind man who opened his eyes.

“What I’m saying from now on is just a story of my schedule. Would you please listen?”

There was no way I was going to listen to something like that, but something boiling inside me forced me to get those words out.

Of course, this was an excuse. I was the one who recognized that there was no way he would listen to something like that, and the one who dared to bring it up was me.

“This story has been going on for quite some time.”

The specific conversation began around winter last year.

“Thanks to our preparations in advance, we will be leaving in 15 days.”

Mother remained silent. The usual coldness was evident in his expression.

“You don’t need to know where it’s going, so I won’t tell you. You won’t remember anyway. There just wasn’t much I could take there. That’s why I plan to leave behind everything I don’t need.”

All I took with me were a few clothes, a cane, and some insignificant miscellaneous items. Because I was planning on leaving everything else behind.

“The position of head of the family is too much for me as I couldn’t even protect my father from his deathbed.”

okay. This position was too much for me. It was an absolutely unsuitable position for me, who had spent many years on the battlefield.

“The wealth and fame that do not suit me for killing the Emperor and his sister’s fiancé.”

Even a dishonorable country was able to leave behind traces of its achievements on the battlefield. Now I wanted to put them down. Because I wanted to go to a place where no one would recognize me.

“This saint is not suitable for a heartless person who recommended a woman who is not his sister to the position of empress.”

I was thinking of severing the link between me and this family, as I became a member of the family. So that the many foolish mistakes I make will no longer harm the family.

“I’ll leave it all behind.”

“… Are you protesting now?”

“I have never harbored any dissatisfaction to the point of doing something like that. And I’m not even that brave.”

I was not a person so curious that I rebelled against my mother.

There was only the slightest stubbornness to convey the truth.

“… Why did I give birth to a monster like you?”

“Mother. I cannot apologize because my birth was not of my own will.”

When I tried to apologize for something that wasn’t my responsibility, I knew very well that it was a deception.

“However, if the fact that I returned from the battlefield alive is the cause of all this misfortune.”

But even if it wasn’t my intention, what if my involvement had led to misfortune?

“I apologize for coming back alive instead of dying.”

That was something that deserved an apology.

“You deceive me until the end.”

“… I’ve said this several times, but I don’t like deceiving others.”

But my mother didn’t believe me. I could tell that fact just by looking at his face.

“When I was very young, I also enjoyed reading novels, just like other girls.”

“Is that so.”

“But most novels at the time were stories about characters who entered the bodies of characters from novels they were reading.”

Since I haven’t read many novels, I couldn’t say anything negative or positive. It wasn’t an environment where I could read something like that in the first place.

“If our lives were also someone’s story…”

My mother stared at me with colder eyes than usual.

“I hope someone who reads this story comes into your body.”

For the first few seconds, I couldn’t understand what it was talking about. But eventually even my dull brain figured out what it meant.

“… Indeed.”

I felt lighter because I knew what my mother wanted.

“Unfortunately, I haven’t lived a life that was interesting enough for anyone to be interested in.”

“You deceive me until the end.”

Even if I told her it was a misunderstanding, my mother didn’t seem to change her mind.

“I don’t think it would mean anything to say any more to a monster who has never cried. Okay, leave. Because that will be the way for all of us.”

With those last words, my mother left my office. It wasn’t a very long conversation, but I learned a lot from it.

After my mother left, I cleaned up my desk and organized my papers as usual.

And then I walked towards the cage to feed the crows.

“Hey, is that your mom?”

“It is true that she is the biological mother. If you need a doctor’s note, I’ll bring it to you.”

“Are you a mother just because you gave birth, you idiot? Didn’t you hear what I said earlier? Who would you like to come into your body? That means just throw it away, fuck it!”

“Yes. I’m not stupid enough to not know that either.”

I don’t know what the frustration was, but the crow covered its face with its wings and let out a groan.

“Oh… You frustrating bastard… ”

“Is that really your impression of me?”

Of course, even if that was the case, it didn’t really matter.

“I don’t mind saying that. The curse word ‘stuffy bastard’ is probably one of the more polite words I hear. And dying is something I often hear… ”

The moment I was about to finish speaking, my vision became blurry for a moment.

When I put my hand to my eye, wondering if something had gotten into my eye, I felt a little moisture on my fingertip.

“… Indeed.”

I thought I got used to it.

I thought I was already used to being told to die.

“It looks like what your mother said was wrong.”

I came to realize that even if the same words are said, they have different effects depending on who says them.

If this had happened while my mother was around, would she have corrected her words? However, it was a meaningless assumption, and the outcome could not be easily guessed.

“What’s wrong with your mother is not her words, but her mentality!”

“There is nothing wrong in the world. There are just things that are different and things that I don’t like.”

I was just very different from the people in this family, and I was just someone they hated.

Now, that fact will soon become meaningless.

“Oh fuck. What kind of family treats their son like this? Even if you pick up a beetle off the street somewhere, I won’t treat you like this.”

“That would also be a meaningless assumption.”

If only I had not gone to the battlefield, if I had watched my father die, if I had not killed the Emperor and my sister’s fiancé, if only I had recommended my sister to the position of empress.

It was a meaningless assumption that was no different from those things.

“As if I have no meaning in this family.”

“… You really aren’t good at telling jokes.”

“I’m sorry. Because I am a person who is far from those things.”

It wasn’t that I particularly disliked my mother or younger sister.

Just like fire is hot and ice is cold, my mother and sister just hated me.

Just as no one gets angry because the fire is hot, I also had no need to get angry.