episode_0065

[Episode 65] – Elise’s Day (7)

When I first got into it, the feeling I got when I saw the children crying while looking at me lying in bed was guilt.

The guilt of taking someone else’s body. When I saw the children crying and rejoicing that they had lived looking at me, who was not even the real ‘Trisha’, I felt a sense of guilt stuck in my throat like a small thorn.

As I continued to spend time with the children, the guilt around my neck grew stronger. Could it be okay for me, who wasn’t even the real Trisha, to raise the children while lying?

Am I worthy of receiving the love of children? Am I actually making a huge mistake by taking over Trisha’s body?

But when I opened my eyes in Trisha’s body, I definitely felt it.

Trisha died from that fever.

I am just an impurity of this family that entered Trisha’s body.

Even when he realized that he had come in after Trisha died, the guilt that stabbed his throat did not go away. The children did not know that fact.

I was just happy that my mother, Trisha, had come back from the dead. What should I say to the children who were so purely happy?

…I wish it had been reincarnation. Then I wouldn’t have to clutch my head with guilt.

Or how nice it would have been if dead Trisha had come to me in my dreams and said, ‘It’s okay. You’re part of this family. This body is yours now.’

But despite these desperate pleas, I never once dreamed of Trisha after possessing her body.

I wish I could have met her even in my dreams, she is such a terrible woman who never comes to say hello to me while I am taking care of her children.

The only way to appease the guilt that suffocated her every time she spent time with her children was to help them become happy and independent, which was Trisha’s wish.

But the more I spent time with the children, the more I began to wonder, ‘Is it really right to force children into marriage and kick them out of the house?’ It was a clash of values between ‘me’, who lived in the modern era, and ‘Trisha’, who lived in this era.

Even if paying off Trisha’s debt is a secondary issue, wouldn’t it be right to let the children choose their own marriages?

But after meeting Catherine, the children began to change in a strange way.

The more the children liked ‘Trisha’, the more the ‘me’ inside her felt choked with guilt.

The Trisha that the kids love isn’t me. But, there’s no going back now.

I don’t know how to get back to my body. I’ll do my best. I’ll do my best to make you guys happy.

So, please don’t be mad at me.

“Mother..?”

Elise looked down at me as I knelt in the fitting room with slightly worried eyes. It seemed as if she was worried about me shedding tears, but unlike before when she had whispered in a cold voice, she was now very affectionate in her voice.

“…I’m sorry. I spoke too harshly. I was so upset that I did it without realizing it. So… Don’t cry, Mom.”

Elise bent her knees, met my gaze, and apologized. I couldn’t look at Elise, but just lowered my head and avoided her gaze. There were no other customers outside the fitting room, so the store was very quiet, as if we were the only ones there.

“But… Mom always ignores my feelings. Even when I whisper that I love you, Mom doesn’t even pretend to hear me… ”

“……”

“I just… I wish my mother would be a little more honest with us. Yes?”

I wish I could be honest with you.

If I say, ‘I’m not the real Trisha, I’m just another person in Trisha’s body. I feel sorry for Trisha, I feel sorry for you, so I’m forcing Trisha’s wish, marriage, to make you happy.’

…The kids are good, so they won’t admit me to a mental hospital. But if they found out, they would curse me to give me back my real mother, and I knew without even telling them that my current life would be ruined.

If only to ease this choking guilt, the right thing to do was to marry the children off and send them out of the house, as Trisha had wished.

However, as I spent time with the children, talked with them, and lived with them, I became very fond of them.

As time went by, ‘my’ desire was to spend time with the children, and ‘Trisha’s’ wish was for the children to leave home. In fact, listening to the children’s ridiculous classes was the reason why I truly liked the children.

Is this what they mean when they say that when you become physically attached, your heart also becomes attached? The more I slept with children, the more I wanted children, and the more guilty I felt.

I started to treat the children like my real family, not just someone else’s family. The children even gave me, an orphan, the illusion that I had a real ‘family’.

“I… really like you guys.”

Elise’s eyes widened at my unexpected confession. I shook my head slightly as if clearing my mind of distracting thoughts, then raised my head, met Elise’s gaze, and quietly opened my mouth. Elise just stared at me.

“So… I want you to be happy. I won’t say that marriage is your happiness anymore. But… I want you to have the ordinary happiness of marrying someone you like, having a child who looks exactly like you, and building a happy family… That’s my ‘wish’.”

“……”

“But, as Elise said, I also have a ‘greed’ that doesn’t want to part with you. Because I love and like you so much. As you said, I’d be happy to give up everything and live with you. How happy would I be, if I could live with you… So…”

Elise’s blue eyes, looking at me, were filled with only me, even in this dark, narrow space.

Those blue eyes, which seemed to shine on their own, were like a mirror, reflecting only me, waiting for what I would say next.

“Please wait a little longer… Until I can choose between my wish and my greed. Give me a little more time to think. Until the day of the ball, I will make up my mind…”

I smiled softly and stroked Elise’s cheek gently as I spoke. Elise let out a soft laugh after hearing my story and hugged me gently. Then she rubbed my cheek and whispered in my ear in a loving voice.

“I’ll wait. But I won’t just wait. I’ll try to make Mom choose us so she can be ‘greedy’. Is that okay?”

“…Yeah.”

Should I say that it was Elise-like to declare that she would not wait forever even if I asked her to wait? I couldn’t help but chuckle at Elise’s declaration. I also carefully hugged Elise’s neck and buried my face in her shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Elise.”

Even if it wasn’t my will, I was the one who took Trisha’s body. And what the children wanted was ‘Trisha’, not ‘me’. This guilt of taking Trisha’s place will always make me a sinner.

But, even so, it was clear that this heartbreaking guilt would dull over time.

Since humans are adaptable animals, it was clear that this feeling of guilt that was suffocating them would gradually be forgotten as they got used to it.

“I’m not ignoring your feelings. I like you more than you think.”

But, even on days like today when I feel so numb, when I feel so guilty, I know that I will repent, apologize, and apologise to the kids every day, every moment, and in the end, I will depend on the kids.

“My cute Elise.”

I stroked Elise’s head a few times while she was hugging me, then pulled away from my embrace and met her eyes. When she heard my heartfelt words, Elise opened her eyes wide as if she was surprised and looked at me. Had I never said something like this to make Elise so surprised?

“Why do you look so shaky? You asked me to be honest, so I did…”

“Ah, nothing… just a little… ripple effect…”

Elise coughed and turned her head away from my gaze. The tips of her ears were red as if they would burst at any moment.

Am I the type that is weak to compliments, or is it because I have never said such things to Elise before that she would feel embarrassed by such a word as “cute”?

“Hey, shall we go out now..? Okay, can you go out for a moment? I’ll put on some clothes…”

“Well, then let’s do that.”

Come to think of it, Elise had been naked from the waist up until now. I got up from the floor, opened the curtains gently, and took a step outside. As I left the fitting room, I couldn’t say anything.

“Ah.”

The female employee who had guided me around the store earlier was looking at me with a red face. The expression on her face was clearly that she was trying hard not to see or hear me.

I couldn’t help but blush when I saw the female employee’s face. Of course, she was showing it with her expression like that, saying, ‘I saw and heard it from beginning to end.’

I felt like I wanted to hide in a mouse hole right away. The female employee cleared her throat with a loud cough, then bowed her head and made a desperate request to me.

“Cow, customer…you…are…a nuisance to other customers…in the store…”

“I’m sorry…”

I kept bowing my head to the female employee and apologizing. I wanted to ask her where she started, but I didn’t think I could handle it if she said, “From beginning to end,” so I didn’t ask.

All I could do was nod my head and apologize, but that was the only way to get rid of this shame.

I felt the warm feelings I had felt just a moment ago suddenly turn into surging anger.

I told you not to do this outside because I became like this..!