episode_0025

*

Thud.

There’s a strange lethargy in my body.

Why is that? I haven’t done anything in particular.

My vision is blurry, my head is spinning. And I’m terribly hungry.

Thud.

By the way, what am I doing right now?

I can’t tell if I’m lying down or standing up. My senses are fuzzy. But I know I’m cold. As soon as I realize this fact, my body shivers. Ah, I’m cold. I wish I had something warm.

So I picked up the knife.

One thin and sharp like a key. One broad and thick like an axe.

Thud.

I walk. I walk. Or maybe crawl. Feet have appeared. Step by step by step by step by step. I see it. I jump. Panting heavily, I cover it. Stabbing, stabbing, stabbing, deeply carving into the flesh, dipping my hands in the blood pooling in the deep wounds, squeezing out the warmth, grasping onto the warmth inside while wringing out the blood, gulp, gulp, gulp.

Thud.

I wipe my mouth.

A silver butterfly fluttering above silver dishes on a silver table signals the next course. There’s no smell as I clear away the rocks; the severed legs have rotted. I put on sneakers and walk. I was on my way somewhere. Something important was there. I decided to ask the passing film reel next to me. Excuse me. What was I about to do? The response came back as “rkdrks.” Who? Be kind. Right, I was going for that. Why am I so awkward? Haha.

Thud.

Laughter erupts, I bow my head, clutch my chest, exhale oxygen from my lungs, and saliva drips to the floor. It’s joyful. Too joyful. My hands tremble with a pleasure tinged with madness. I don’t walk well. Following the continuous red path, my right leg stumbles against my left, kicking it aside, tumbling over clumsily. It flows. It trickles down. Drops along the veins. Slippery. Sand pours down. Hahaha. Rolling down, covered in dirt, my face touches the hot, heated rock. I can’t see. The world on the right has disappeared. In the remaining left world, the smell of cooking meat clashes with the dried blood’s stench.

Thud.

Ah─ Haha! When was the last time I laughed? Calculating, it was roughly 6 years, 3 months, and 24 days ago, 3 minutes before! Goodness gracious! I can’t even remember that! I’m truly stupid! Ignorant! I don’t know anything! I don’t want to know! I want to forget everything! Forget it! Forget it all! You shouldn’t have been born, you should have died that day! Why are you still alive! Ah─ Haha! Ha! Hahahahaha!!

Thud.

As I clench my fist, blood streams down from the torn back of my hand, scratched against my teeth.

It hurts. It itches. I want to scratch. I want to tear off all the remaining skin, bones, veins, nerves, and marrow. I don’t understand the reason for my hand. Why do I need a square when I already have two feet? So I strike again. Hit. Hit. Aligning with the sharp screams, I hit rhythmically. Crying. Nobody knows if it’s you or me. I don’t know that. It’s noisy, dying, dying, dying, choking, suffocating.

Thud.

I hated you.

I hated you for constantly complaining about stealing the love that should have been mine from our parents. I hated you for being better at everything in that regard than me. I hated you for being so special unlike insignificant me. I hated you for carelessly dropping the unopened key due to laziness. I hated you for always being by my side in comparison. Everyone disappeared, leaving only you in the end. I hated you for cursing, hitting, tormenting. I hated you for not being able to take care of yourself, making me hate myself.

Thud.

The crimson bloodstains ingrained in white won’t fade.

No matter how hard I try to scrub, it won’t come off. Why? Why not? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Seriously, I don’t want to kill anyone. Please believe me. I just wanted to hug you like usual, like before. I tried to embrace you with my arms wide open, forcing a smile on my bruised face. That’s why I have no family left, and I miss even a little warmth. So, I am…

Thump.

Smiling.

I’m smiling, too. You’re smiling. Crying, laughing, grimacing, screaming, suffering, being grabbed by the arm, twisting your leg, screaming in agony, tearing apart, blood flowing, nothing left, door swinging wide open, a pill envelope falling down.

Thump.

Feeling good.

Happy to have lost something precious. Delighted to have torn it apart with my own hands. Satisfied to have ruined it irreversibly. Enjoying breaking it into pieces. Finally feeling fulfilled being stuck at the same rock bottom as me. Achieving without thinking about anything. Astonished to feel the reality of surviving. Eating up all the soft, warm flesh without dying. How sweet this small piece of palate is.

Thump.

As usual, entering the movie theater holding hands was astonishing.

Everything was different from what we had at home, with a screen so huge that displayed dazzling visuals and grand music, stimulating all senses. But there’s no time to lose focus. I buy popcorn and cola as instructed. None for me. I hold a large popcorn bucket. I pass the cola. I drink with the hand not held. We take turns sipping. I don’t let it last long. My face turns crimson. When I ask why, I get my foot stepped on. It hurt.

I sit down. Someone plops down above me.

Originally, the seat was next to mine. Initially, there were only the two of us in the audience. Instead of leaving, she leans halfway down, resting her head on my shoulder. The lights go out. It’s dark. So, the large screen is vividly visible. I can’t recall the title. The plot doesn’t come to mind either. But I know. It’s based on a true story. Not that I could understand it.

“Hey, you know.”

“Where did Yo go?”

“…There’s no one here anyway.”

“It’s noisy. Should I tell Unni?”

“Fine… Yo. Don’t tell Mom… please.”

“Hmph, you should’ve done that earlier. So why?”

“Why isn’t that kid resisting? She’s in pain. There’s blood, too.”

“‘There’s blood.’ Hmph, the physical difference alone is too severe. Can’t you see?”

“But to suffer like that… She had a gun earlier, couldn’t she have shot herself with it?”

“Fool, would you want to do that to your remaining family who share your bloodline?”

“So she just hugged him like that? Forcibly, roughly, almost like an animal…”

“So what? That kid probably wouldn’t regret dying like this.”

“On what basis?”

“A woman’s intuition.”

“……”

“That’s real.”

“Ouch!?”

She kicks my knee.

It hurts too much. Helpless, irrational violence is particularly agonizing.

“Look, you’re in pain now too but you’re not resisting.”

“If you resist, you’ll get scolded by Mom…”

“That’s just an excuse. It’s just the two of us here. If you want, you can retaliate against those guys just like them. Oh, that’s more like a mutual agreement, maybe.”

“…Do women like being right?”

“If it’s someone they love.”

“Um… I don’t really know.”

“Women, you see, they naturally live with such contradictions. Even if they lose something precious in that way, if it’s for the person they love, they won’t regret it. Even if it leads to death, they won’t be sad. Outwardly shedding tears, but their hearts are different. Originally, becoming one with a man who could never be connected is the only important thing.”

“Aren’t you valuing yourself too little?”

“Rather than being left alone, crying silently inside with a tightly shut heart, it’s much better.”

It was an explanation that felt too difficult for me.

So, I just gave up asking more questions and continued watching the movie.

The girl didn’t die. However, she had completely lost her mind. Unable to recognize anything except the person she loved, she remained alone in her own world. Stripped of everything she had, she passionately pursued the man who had taken everything from her.

And yet, the man had forgotten all of that.

Instead, he simply failed to understand the now strange girl and kept his distance. It’s an absurd comedy. There’s no other absurd drama quite like it.

Exactly.

One by one, the audience members who had filled the theater began to rise from their seats.

Some applauded. Some waved their arms and shouted for an encore. The spotlight shone down on me. It was dazzling. I couldn’t see properly.

“fkdlxm.”

“Ugh… It’s blinding…”

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The film strips covering the faces of the film rolls spun around aimlessly, staring at me. Arms and legs untangled. They tore each other apart, gesturing wildly.

“zkapfk.”

“What on earth is this…?”

“dortus!!”

All of them, wearing identical white silver hoods, bared their claws. Sharp fangs and blades protruded everywhere. Snap, snap, snap. The film rolls advanced in sync with the clapperboard’s clacking sound. I don’t understand. Where am I? Who am I? Why is this happening? I really don’t─

“Get up.”

“Ow!?”

“Quickly now. Get up. I’m hungry.”

With an impatient nudge, my cheek was pinched.

Simultaneously, the film rolls crumbled. Everything turned into a heap of dark red ashes under the flipped hoods. Pillars collapsed. The ceiling caved in. The stage crumbled. The silver theater was quickly engulfed in ash-gray ruins, concealing all traces in an instant.

“Uh, uh…?”

“You’re awake?”

“Uh, um… Jin…… Ah?”

“Yes, it’s Jin.”

The light was blinding.

Maybe it’s because I always sleep with the lights on.

But Jin’s worried expression as he looked down at me, just awakened, was crystal clear.

So I forced a smile.

It’s nothing. Just had a slightly weird dream, that’s all. That’s what I tried to say.

“Huff. Um, uh….”

“Uh-huh… Yeah….”

Of course, I couldn’t convey that due to Jin suddenly kissing me, but it’s fine. Jin probably knows everything anyway. It’s just a dream. Ultimately, it’s a fantasy that doesn’t affect reality at all. Now, I’ve decided to indulge in reality instead of dreams. Embracing Jin, whom I love more than anyone else, warmly and tenderly.