episode_0023

Watashima Chihana

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I was watching the sea alone. There was no one by my side, not a single person who knew me. Sitting alone on the breakwater, I gazed at the sea without doing anything in particular. The sea breeze fluttered and lifted my skirt, but there was no one to see it. I didn’t even care.

I had committed many wrongs, yet they forgave me.

They treated me as if nothing had ever happened.

I had done something that could have taken a life with just one wrong step. To forgive everything, what a ridiculous notion. I almost succumbed to their charm and became foolish.

If I stayed in such a sweet place, like a lump of sugar, I would surely make mistakes again. I am like the dull, shimmering oil slick on top of coffee. No matter how much you stir, I will never blend in. Instead, I’d repel everyone, and no one would come near me.

In the end, I ran away from them. I suppose my entire life will be a constant escape.

Escaping from fears, escaping from responsibilities, escaping from people.

“…Well then, I suppose I’ll head home.”

The place I escaped to was a single-story house with a view of the sea. It was an hour by plane from the town where my high school was, and about the same distance from the town where I used to live with Kyotarou-san. I wanted to sever all ties with people, to erase everyone who knew my past.

I am a villain who stabbed Takeo-san with my own hands. That sin will never disappear throughout my life, and there must be many people who would remember it just by looking at me. When I lived in the city, I didn’t feel truly alive. I constantly felt as if someone was watching me, and I was terrified of empty spaces.

My house, having endured decades of sea winds, had deteriorated to the point where just sliding open its wooden door with frosted glass panes made it creak loudly. It might even be worse than the house where the sisters and the black, round spirits live in that famous movie.

I have no money; I cannot replace my stomach with my back [proverb: one must prioritize basic necessities over comfort when in dire straits]. The convenience is far worse than when I lived in the city, but mentally, I’m much better off now. Because no one here knows me. Here, I can smile. Here, I can sleep.

No matter how rural, as long as people live there, there’s a signal. This is something to be very grateful for. I can do work with just a smartphone, and shopping can be managed with just that now too. Perhaps my only mistake was not getting a driver’s license; everything is far away no matter where I go. When I decided on the house, I just thought ‘anywhere was fine,’ so it can’t be helped.

“…Oh, is it raining?”

The rhythmic drumming of rain on the roof reached my ears. When I first moved in, I was worried about leaks, but thankfully it wasn’t that bad. But if a typhoon were to hit directly, the roof might just fly off… Thinking such thoughts, I opened a pack of instant rice and a can of food alone.

Three years have passed since that incident. Occasionally, I see Takeo-san’s or Tomoe-san’s names in online news, but I no longer feel the same resentment as before. It’s a strange story, but from the trial costs to the medical expenses at that time, the victim, Takeo-san, ended up paying for everything, so my crime is still essentially unpunished.

Being alone now, perhaps this is the punishment I’ve been given.

But even this, I simply chose it myself; I just ran away.

“…Ugh, come on. This rain shutter won’t budge.”

I wanted to close it before the heavy rain started, but the rain shutter wouldn’t close no matter what. I should have had a contractor look at it on a clear day; otherwise, rain and wind will get in through the gaps.

The sliding glass door, whose gaps were sealed with duct tape, rattled loudly in the strong wind. This house is a dilapidated single-story, but it has five rooms. I spread my futon in the room farthest from the window and fell asleep to the lullaby of the pouring rain.

Lately, I don’t even dream. I don’t deserve to dream. I vaguely recall longing for something when I was a child, but now I have nothing. No one.

I woke up in my futon, noticing tears pattering down my cheeks.

Since my student days, I’ve been afraid of something, telling lies for self-preservation. Without realizing I was steadily pushing myself into an insignificant existence, I lived my life constantly observing others’ expressions. Only now do I finally realize that it was all meaningless.

Curled up small in my futon, I soaked my pillow alone.

I wanted someone to acknowledge me, I wanted to love someone, I wanted to be loved by someone.

People might say it’s not a difficult thing. But for me, it was something very difficult, something I couldn’t achieve even if I staked my life on it. I’m already twenty-seven, soon to turn thirty, yet I haven’t accomplished anything. I haven’t even tried.

Before I knew it, the sound of rain in my ears had ceased, and I got up, leaving my pillow.

Still in my nightclothes and without makeup, I headed to the entrance and slid open the door with a rattle, to find a large moon smiling down at me. I was a little surprised by its immense size, but my heart remained calm and serene.

I then headed to the sea as if it were daytime, where several fishing boats were heading offshore. No one noticed me; everyone was working diligently, making their voices heard as they toiled.

Can I, who live without doing anything, truly be said to be alive?

I descended the breakwater, walked along the sandy beach, and stepped into the waves.

How wonderful it would be if I could just walk into the sea and find peace. The sound of the ripples was gentle on my ears, and the shimmering surface of the water seemed to be drawing me in. But I don’t even have that courage. I hate pain, and I hate suffering.

Surely I will remain alone like this forever. It’s wrong for me to act like a victim.

Karma, reaping what I sow; everything is the result of my own actions.

I returned to the sandy beach and sat down, hugging my knees. Before I knew it, the horizon was vaguely tinged with color, gradually dyeing the sky with the colors of dawn. The starry sky vanished, and another day began.

I don’t think there’s any meaning to my present existence.

Spending eternity alone—this is the punishment I’ve been given.

Therefore, I must be alone.

If I’m not alone, I’m sure to hurt someone again.

How on earth did they know? I don’t know, why?

With a single tear tracing down my cheek, I whispered to the shadowy figure speaking to me.

“How foolish,”

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“Epilogue” will be posted today at 8 PM.