episode_0015

Watashima Chihana –– A full day had passed since Tomoe-san jumped in front of the car, but Kyotarou-kun never returned. The key to his room was unlocked, so I stayed in his room, spending my time wrapped in his clothes that still carried his lingering scent.

I thought it might be a bad idea to contact him, so I didn’t. It’s probably best not to act now; perhaps Kyotarou-kun will still return to me with a smile.

Tomoe-san’s eyes were so terrifying that I wanted to run away. But I wouldn’t run. Kyotarou-kun is the most important person in my entire life.

He returned the evening of the next day. Rain was pouring down, and I was sitting by the window, clutching my smartphone so I could immediately respond to any contact from Kyotarou-kun. I flinched at the sudden sound of the lock clicking open, but feeling joy that Kyotarou-kun had returned, I rushed towards him.

At that moment, I was simply happy. There was a chance he might never have come back. After hugging him tightly, I took his hand and led him into the room.

“Welcome home. Was Tomoe-san okay?”

Maybe this wasn’t something to ask so casually. Perhaps it wasn’t even my place to ask. But I thought that was the only topic right now. Besides, she had returned to her hometown. I didn’t think she’d appear before us again, so I thought I should bring it up early and move on.

But then.

“Chihana, there’s something important I need to talk to you about… is that okay?”

I felt a difference in the warmth of his words. That important talk was surely something I didn’t want to hear.

“Th-that dinner I bought the other day, I’ll make it now, so maybe we can talk while we eat—”

“Chihana, no. Please listen properly.”

“Oh, let’s have dessert first, and look, I bought this too—”

Kyotarou-kun, who was calling my name while looking down, didn’t even try to look at me. I understand. I understand this atmosphere. It’s always been like this.

But then––

“Chihana.”

“No, I don’t want to be separated from you. I love you, I’ve fallen for you from the bottom of my heart. Why? We were just getting started, weren’t we? Why? Hey, why? Will our six months disappear because of something that happened in just one day? Didn’t you like me, Kyotarou?”

It was my utter selfishness. I’m a coward; I’ve always only thought about myself. But what’s wrong with that? I love myself. I love myself more than anyone else. But I’ve found someone I love even if it means neglecting myself.

“Then you shouldn’t have appeared before me!”

“…I’m sorry.”

“It’s too late, it’s too late. I’ve never loved someone this much in my life, so why am I always like this? Always, always like this. In middle school, I lied and was bullied, and in high school, I lied to Kyotarou-kun and my friends called me the worst. I thought I could change when I went to college, I thought I could…”

I clenched my fists so tightly my nails dug in. I gritted my teeth so hard they felt like they might crack. It didn’t matter if the nails I adorned for Kyotarou-kun broke, or if my lip gloss faded. More than any of that, I wished for him to change his mind.

But nothing changed. I’ll probably be like this my whole life. A coward, and because of that, no one will ever love me. The people who appear by my side are always those who eventually leave. With the worst goodbyes, and the greatest pain.

“It’s for my own closure too, Chihana, I’m truly sorry.”

Suddenly, Kyotarou-kun changed his words. With a trembling voice, I asked him what he meant.

“What do you mean, ‘closure’?”

“Actually, I also broke up with Tomoe. She told me we’d go back to being strangers, not childhood friends.”

“…And you’re telling me that too.”

“…………Yes.”

“So, that’s how it is.”

So he’s telling me to give up too. Childhood friends aren’t just a slightly more developed form of friendship. Kyotarou-kun and I were lovers, so it’s wrong to consider that equivalent. Even if I said that, Kyotarou-kun probably wouldn’t change anything. Even if I were to attack him here like Tomoe-san did, it would be meaningless.

Kyotarou-kun, looking at me with gentle eyes, was still Kyotarou-kun. I can’t forget you; even when I go to college, I’ll surely search for you. It hurts, it’s painful. I love you so much, and just a little while ago, we loved each other. Why did things turn out like this? Why, why?

“I’ll leave,” he said, and then he left the room. I had thought his words meant only for that day. I returned to my own room, crying. After crying for several days, and finally regaining a bit of composure, I went to check Kyotarou-kun’s room again.

“…Huh? Kyotarou-kun, no way…”

Kyotarou-kun’s apartment, which should have been in the same building, had been vacated as if he’d fled, turning into an empty unit. He must have moved out in the dead of night, like a midnight flit, so I wouldn’t notice. Did I do something that made him dislike me that much?

I kept knocking on the door of his now empty room. Hoping he would one day call my name “Chihana” with a gentle smile again.

I searched for him even at university. However, due to the pandemic, remote learning became widespread, and even if I was in the same class as him, I no longer saw his face. Even though I searched and searched, I couldn’t find him, and university entered its fourth year.

I had to start job hunting, but all I could do was yearn for Kyotarou-kun. Now I could understand how Tomoe-san felt back then. I wanted to love Kyotarou-kun, even if it meant attacking him. If I could bear his child, any method would be fine. I want to be happy.

Just once, I tried to rely on his best friend, Takeo-kun, hoping to somehow meet Kyotarou-kun. But he also said he had cut ties with both of them and that there was nothing he could do. If he couldn’t be a connection, then there was no point in this man. As soon as the call ended, I blocked his number.

Outwardly, I maintained a casual expression and successfully graduated from university, but due to the pandemic, the graduation ceremony was also remote. A graduation ceremony without a ceremony didn’t feel like a graduation at all. Everything ended with a feeling like it was just a game, making me wonder what university had even been for.

“Today’s guest is the genius pianist in a wheelchair, Yako Tomoe-san!”

I started seeing Tomoe-san on TV more often. Every time I saw her, I’d lodge a complaint. I don’t want to see her. Don’t show such an ugly woman. She’s a pervert, a madwoman. No one else knows, but I know. She’s a pervert who tries to attack and violate other people’s lovers, and a madwoman who throws herself in front of cars when she fails. Why is everyone fawning over her? It’s wrong. That woman is no genius. –– Next chapter: “Destiny with a Miracle”