episode_0013

Tomoe Yako

—

When I awoke to the morning sun, Kyotaro-kun was right beside me, nodding off. For a moment, when my eyes first opened, I thought the unknown woman from Kyotaro-kun’s room was there. And the content of her speech seemed to be words of repentance directed at me, or perhaps meaningless, self-centered rambling.

…Was it a dream? I have that feeling.

Even so, is it because of the anesthetic? I can’t move, but it doesn’t hurt at all. Even though I jumped in front of a car… it’s a bit laughable to think that people are surprisingly robust.

Why did I get so desperate? All I had to do was tell Kyotaro-kun my feelings, so why did I waste effort trying to go in a different direction? I could have confessed to Kyotaro-kun at the cultural festival, or during the school trip, any time. There was always someone around… but I didn’t need to worry about such gazes. I should have been more selfish, acted more freely. I can think that now. But when I was in high school, I couldn’t. I was too embarrassed, and I felt like I had so many other things to protect, so I couldn’t move.

The time Kyotaro-kun and I spent alone was probably less than an hour in three years of high school. Takeo-kun was always by his side, and there were many other students too.

I didn’t want to lose that environment. Perhaps I’m surprisingly vain.

I pursued both. Being praised by others for continuing music.

And the person who knew everything about me since kindergarten and supported me.

And I was about to lose both.

That’s why I’m here now. Because I lost one, the other can be close to me.

God is cruel. I wanted to play the piano while being supported by Kyotaro-kun.

Even through the curtains, the sunlight was dazzling. The hospital room was uniformly white, and Kyotaro-kun, sitting quietly there, also seemed completely white. He must be that kind of person. Pure white, innocent, accepting everything and becoming colored by the other. And a person like a primary color, who also colors the other.

Now that I’ve revealed everything, I don’t think Kyotaro-kun and I can be together.

Kyotaro-kun has that woman. She was quite cute, wasn’t she? She seemed to be thinking earnestly about Kyotaro-kun. And she seemed to have no problems, unlike me. When the two of them were together, I didn’t feel any discomfort.

I probably wouldn’t be like that. Besides, we’re childhood friends. We’ve spent too much time together to be anything other than what we are.

So, it’s sad, but to move forward…

…I choose to part with Kyotaro-kun.

If I stay by his side, I’m sure I’ll be colored by Kyotaro-kun again. I’ll repeat the same mistake. No matter how much I try to manage it myself, I can’t resist his charm. It’s sad. How wonderful it would be if there was a world where that could be accepted.

Perhaps one day, when the whim of fate, of God, truly smiles upon us, we will meet again. If by some chance that time comes, I want to start over from the beginning. It might be like a miracle, but we probably need a miracle.

To that extent, the word ‘childhood friend’ is too heavy, and I can’t peel it off.

It’s a curse that we can’t do anything about.

If we don’t even cross paths in the future, then I’ll just have to believe our relationship was meant to end there. Everything will be as if it never happened. As if a person named Kyotaro Hikagami never existed in my life.

I slowly closed my eyes, letting the accumulated tears fall.

Then, I tapped lightly on his knee.

The words I would say were decided. So as not to change them, so as not to trouble him.

“Goodbye.”

Saying goodbye to everything up until now. Before my resolve wavers.

So, this is the last time I’ll cry. The tears I shed thinking of Kyotaro-kun, this is the end. Since it’s the last time, it’s okay to cry as much as I want, right? I’ll make sure I never remember you again. I loved you so much, I cherished you. For years and years and years.

“Tomoe-san, regarding today’s rehabilitation menu—”

While undergoing rehabilitation at the hospital, I bowed my head repeatedly to my parents. Even though I was a foolish daughter who had done terrible things, Dad and Mom said that as long as I was safe, that was enough. I had already learned painfully at the salon concert that lost trust wouldn’t return quickly. Since I had made the same mistake again, I truly thought I deserved to be disowned. I had to show them as much gratitude as I possibly could from now on.

Takeo-kun also came to my room after Kyotaro-kun left. He was, of course, also one of my childhood friends. The feeling of fear had unexpectedly faded. Perhaps it was thanks to my decision to end things with Takeo-kun, just as I had with Kyotaro-kun. I looked into his eyes and spoke, as if clenching my powerless hands, so as not to run away. I thought I had said the same thing, but Takeo-kun didn’t react as strongly as Kyotaro-kun. “I’m truly sorry.” His repentance began from there, and it became proof that the repentance of that woman in my memory wasn’t a dream. But knowing that didn’t change anything. There was no point in blaming what was over, and I wanted to move on in my own way. When I told him that, Takeo-kun smiled, even as his brows were furrowed.

“You’ve gotten stronger.”

I accepted the words he left as he departed with a smile, and I saw him off.

Thus, the relationship of us three childhood friends, which had lasted for over ten years, came to an end. It was very abrupt, and very quiet.

And I was to experience the magnitude of what I had done with my own body.

My fingers, which had been injured before the accident, had suffered even greater damage due to the accident. Avulsion fracture, compound fracture, peripheral neuropathy—I heard many unfamiliar terms, but essentially, it meant I shouldn’t expect them to move properly. Furthermore, due to the hand injury, grasping crutches or handrails became difficult, and my foot rehabilitation wasn’t progressing as hoped, meaning I wouldn’t be able to walk properly. My restart began from a point dozens of steps back.

The expressions on the doctor’s and my parents’ faces when I said I wanted to play the piano again were indescribable, but I’m selfish. I’m stubborn. I will definitely learn to play again. I continued rehabilitation steadily, though it took time, slowly trying to open my unmoving fingers. For my feet, I had a brace made so my toes could reach the pedals, and I used it by lifting it with my thigh. After returning to music university, the world was in a state where regular schooling was impossible for about three years due to a pandemic, but for me, that was convenient. I earned credits through online classes, and during my free time, I tirelessly turned to the keyboard to regain my sense of touch.

The recent environment is a highly convenient world for people like me who can’t move freely. Perhaps thanks to having streamed videos before, there were many famous people who introduced me. When I expressed a desire to learn their techniques, many people taught me. And before I knew it, I started streaming by myself, and that caught the eye of a certain company. From there, I became highly sought after for concerts and events.

When you’re busy, time seems to fly by so quickly. Before I knew it, it was the next job, the next project. The busy days passed in the blink of an eye. Indeed, six years had passed since I parted ways with Kyotaro-kun and the others. Even though I should have spent a considerable amount of time, even now that I’m twenty-four, I still think of him.

Kyotaro Hikagami, where is he now, and what exactly is he doing?

Is he happy with that woman? Or with someone else?

The sadness of not being able to be by his side continues even now.

But if Kyotaro-kun is happy, that’s enough.

Because I love him more than anyone else in the world.

For Kyotaro-kun to be happy somewhere in this world.

That is my greatest wish.

—

Next Chapter: “Parting and Regret, Days of Hatred”