episode_0055

It’s your job, so you have to choose. That statement was clearly a fact that could not be refuted. If a stranger said that, then yes. Don’t get involved for no reason. Those were words that would have made people scoff.

However, if it is someone you rely on, things are different. And even more so if the remark was due to one’s own fault.

Hayun listened to those words blankly and lowered her empty gaze. When I came to my senses and hurriedly pulled myself up again and made eye contact with Hansol, Hansol’s gaze had already turned cold.

Only after looking into those eyes did Hayun realize that she had made a mistake, and her lips trembled. Hayun, who was so anxious that she kept expressing her anxiety, didn’t know much, but from Hansol’s point of view, he was no different from someone who ignored and asked again even though he answered several times.

After looking at herself objectively, Hayun blamed herself and trembled, saying it was her fault. How can I make Hansol feel better? But now I couldn’t figure out what to do to make my younger brother feel better.

The body has already mixed as it should. I did everything my body could do. I knew that even if I asked to do more here, it would only make it difficult for Hansol.

That’s why Hayun groaned and lowered her head again.

Hayun, who couldn’t decide what to say, blamed herself, saying it was all her fault, and tried to accept whatever Hansol said. Just when he was reassuring himself that it would be okay no matter what kind of insult he received, Hansol’s mouth moved cautiously.

If Hansol had been angry with Hayun about trivial things before, this time he was angry about something that could make him angry.

There was nothing special about Hansol getting angry. There was no standard. The boundaries were blurred by not getting angry in places where one was not angry, getting angry in ambiguous areas, and getting angry in places where one could be angry.

Because of this, Hayoon couldn’t trust herself and ended up feeling confused when she tried to judge Hansol’s reaction. It only made me more confused about what I was good at and what I was not good at.

I was at a loss as I didn’t know what to do when I was told to stick to the line because the boundaries were blurred.

Hansol looked at Hayoon like that and said something indifferently, as if he wasn’t expecting anything.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me anymore. Because I have no intention of listening.”

It predicted indifference and non-response. Hayun cut him off, saying there was no need to talk anymore and that he had no intention of listening. For Hayun, who needed a place to lean on and support, the sound was like a bolt from the blue.

As Hayoon desperately gathered words to say something, Hansol clapped his hands and stood up.

At the same time, Hayun, who had been leaning slightly, was pushed away, and Hansol walked into the room as if he didn’t care about Hayun. And then he continued speaking as if driving a wedge.

“I am not an emotional trash can. Now take care of it, sister.”

bang. And the door closed. Hearing that sound, Hayun collapsed on the sofa. Not having any clothes on wasn’t a problem anymore. I didn’t feel shame or humiliation.

A very strong feeling of loneliness and self-reproach had seeped into Hayoon’s heart. Hayoon curled up in pain and wiped away tears.

Hayoon went back to her room, closed the door, and climbed onto the bed. I hugged my legs without even thinking about putting on clothes. He crouched down as if to protect himself.

I felt warm just a moment ago, but now only this cold feeling remained. Hayun looked down from her spot blankly and looked at the bedding.

Time passed so meaninglessly.

**

Hayun couldn’t have any conversation with Hansol. Even if Hansol didn’t talk to her first, Hayun could have talked to her again, but Hayun couldn’t talk to her out of guilt.

Hayun, who was worried about when she would complain about her situation again, eventually faced Monday without saying a word as Saturday and Sunday passed by.

Lonely Monday. For some reason, Hayoon got up with a heavy body. After washing up, changing clothes, and packing my bag to go to school.

“… … .”

I knew I had to go to school today, but my anxiety wouldn’t go away. Hayun, who was moaning and groaning, sat down in front of the dressing table and stared at the mirror.

Then he moved both hands and slapped both cheeks and shook his head to come to his senses.

You will find out when you go to school. You won’t know unless you go to school. You shouldn’t give up without even trying. I thought about it and moved my body.

And then I walked over to listen to the lecture.

Building of the Department of Architecture. Hayun glanced at the building, took a deep breath, and stepped inside. I took the elevator, went up the stairs, and glanced at the classroom where my lecture would begin.

It was a normal building and a normal classroom, but the feeling was completely different. Unfamiliar emotions continued to disturb Hayoon’s emotions.

Hayun exhaled loudly, saying that it was probably a matter of mindset, but the situation was completely different. The moment Hayun entered the classroom, her attention was focused on the sound of the door opening, and at the same time, a whispering sound was heard.

“… … !”

Hayun opened her eyes wide at the situation and swallowed her saliva. He almost ran away, but thinking that he might be overreacting and not talking about himself, he held his trembling heart and took a seat in the far corner.

At first, I shook my head, wondering if I was becoming paranoid because I thought too much of my mistakes. Then, with his head down, he took out his major textbook and picked up a pen.

I hope it’s all just my paranoia. I thought: As Hansol said, I thought I was just being sensitive.

But that thought didn’t last long. I couldn’t help but listen to the whispering in front of me, and even if I wanted to turn my attention off, I couldn’t stop my consciousness from going in that direction.

Hayun thought it would be okay if she studied and cut out other things, but she quickly realized that it was not an easy task.

Square, square. Every time I tried to write something down, I felt anxious, wondering if the whispered chatter might be directed at me, and in the end, my hands, which had been moving brilliantly for studying, soon collapsed and I was unable to write anything down.

The pretty writing turned into an earthworm, and the pen that had been drawing lines trembling helplessly rolled over the book, escaped the narrow desk, and tumbled to the floor.

Hayun groaned, “Grrrrgh.” I thought it was the worst thing to have to stretch my body to the other side to pick up a pen at a time like this. It was true that the noise bothered me, but it wasn’t something I really wanted to hear.

I don’t know if it’s his curse or not, but what if it’s mine? Hayun, who was frightened by the thought, closed her eyes tightly and stretched out her hand toward the pen, afraid of facing the truth.

And at that moment, a sound was heard.

‘―He said Hajin was kicked?’, ‘No? ‘That’s not it.’

I regretted listening to it. Hayun quickly moved her hand to grab the pen and adjusted her posture again to concentrate on her studies. However, there was no way that my mind, which was disturbed even before listening to the content, could be sane after listening to it.

I lowered my trembling gaze.

Only then was Hayun able to face reality. As Hansol said, I came once, but when I got there, I was filled with regret and fell into silence.

Hayoon, who had always believed that he would say the right things and make the right decisions, looked back at herself and wondered why she did that. I had a question.

No matter how good Hansol was, he couldn’t always say the right things, and there was no guarantee that he would think the right things, so why did I believe what he said? He bit his lower lip.

Hansol was wrong this time. Thinking like that, Hayun carefully packed her bag and left the room before the lecture was even over and left the building.

“… … Haha.”

Now, let everything happen. I had ruined my classes on Monday and Tuesday anyway, so I didn’t have time to save anything, so there was nothing left to regret.

Hayun decided that after receiving an F for the next four absences, she would just have to retake the course again, so she moved on. I smiled and headed home, thinking that this semester would be a little more relaxed than other semesters.

**

When Hayun returned home, she first put down her bag and prepared for lunch. Hansol would be back late in the afternoon today, so I was alone until then, so all I had to think about was eating alone.

Hayun, who had been rummaging through the refrigerator, confirmed after a few minutes that there was nothing to eat, sighed and closed the door.

Hayun, whose purpose of eating something had disappeared, sat helplessly at the table next to her and took out her smartphone. I must have turned off notifications, but I had already received several calls.

Let’s take a look at that. Hayun was worried, but her fear still hadn’t gone away, and she couldn’t calm down, so she couldn’t make up her mind to look. In the end, I skipped through all the notifications without reading them and started searching through the app to find something to order.

Korean, Japanese, Chinese, Western food. As she searched through each item like that, Hayun’s breathing became deeper. How many hours did you think about it like that? In the end, Hayun spent her time unable to decide what to eat.

What should I eat? You don’t need it all. I have no appetite. After repeating this for several times, Hayun, who had lost all of her strength and went limp, took shaky steps and approached the sofa.

“I’m ruined.”

I thought it hadn’t been long since I got home, but as I was thinking about what to eat, it was already approaching 2 o’clock. Hayun decided not to eat, but when she thought she had missed the right time to eat, Hayun said that for no reason.

Being home when it was time to be at school was enough to make me feel a strange sensation. For some reason, the fact that she was home at a time when she wasn’t supposed to be at home made her feel like she was doing something bad, and her heart was racing. Rather, that feeling seemed to set Hayoon free and liberated.

In order to calm her complicated mind, Hayun tried to take advantage of that feeling, and that feeling was revealed through her actions. Hayun, who was lying down on the sofa, closed her eyes and tried to close her consciousness to escape from her current agony.

… … .

Hayun, who woke up after falling asleep for a while, looked up with her open eyes. Then, as soon as I remembered that today was Monday, I looked at the clock.

6 pm. It was time for Hansol to return, and before I knew it, a commotion was heard as if Hansol had already arrived. What are you talking about? I turned my head and, sure enough, it was different. Hansol was in the kitchen, fiddling with a frying pan as if he was trying to cook something.

“Hansol… ?”

“Ah, sister, are you awake? You were here before me, what do you think? Was it okay?”

Hansol’s ears perked up at Hayun’s voice and he turned his head to look at Hayun. For some reason, Hayun’s clear voice and cool attitude made her grit her teeth and take a deep breath without even realizing it.

What do you mean it’s okay? How could he be okay when he heard something he didn’t want to hear today, ran out of school and stayed home the whole time?

Hayoon got upset and tried to spit out something, but soon calmed down and took a breath. I didn’t even tell Hansol what happened today anyway, so what would Hansol know? He kept his mouth shut, saying that if he got angry anyway, he would end up looking like a weird person.

It wasn’t long before those true feelings were eventually formed into words.

“… It wasn’t okay. I thought about going as you said, so I went, but it wasn’t good at all.”

“Really? Then it’s not bad to take a leave of absence.”

Hayun completely believed what Hansol said. But this was the price for believing those words. A wound in the heart. If I had convinced him from the beginning that he didn’t have to go, there would have been no reason to listen to him.

As that thought passed by, Hayun spoke to Hansol in a sharp voice.

“… I went as you said and how hurt I was… !”

But Hayun’s words did not end.

“But?”

It was because Hansol saw Hayun’s reaction and cut her off.

“Is that my fault?”

Hansol asked Hayun back with a tone and expression as if she was saying that to herself. And Hayun was speechless at those words and just kept her mouth shut and looked at Hansol.