episode_0018

*

“… Haha.”

Wednesday afternoon. I washed my face with cold water in the university bathroom.

My body becoming heavy and my mind becoming tired continued to torment me.

I took a deep breath, washed my face again, and then sighed.

As expected, taking the morning-after pill seemed to be the cause of the deterioration in condition. Normally I wouldn’t eat it, but because of what happened yesterday, I couldn’t help but eat it.

“Ha Yoon-ah. You look sick today?”

“It’s because I’m not feeling well.”

I looked at the hollow eyes reflected in the mirror. I knew that my body was having a hard time, but looking in the mirror like this was miserable.

As I put my heavy body behind me and placed both arms on the sink, Minah came in from behind.

He must have seen me wandering helplessly during the lecture, and he followed me and was worried.

I glanced back at Mina, who was worried, and wiped the water off my face.

“… thank you. I’ll go first.”

“If you’re sick, just take a day off! I’ll tell the professor!”

“If there is none, please tell me. Thank you.”

I looked blankly at the dripping water and tried to leave the bathroom, leaving Minah behind.

Mina followed me closely and got close to me as if she was trying to support my body.

It wasn’t enough to receive help, it was just that I wasn’t feeling well, so I pushed away Mina’s favor and left.

As time passed, my classmates headed to the classroom to take classes, but I did not.

I tried to soothe my upset stomach by stroking my lower abdomen.

However, because of what happened last night, I felt like there was still a foreign body feeling in my stomach, so I couldn’t calm down.

Does the morning-after pill work? I’ve never used it, so I have no way of knowing.

“The weather is nice.”

I sat on a bench scattered around the university and felt the gentle breeze.

Bright pink cherry blossoms filled my eyes.

The blowing spring breeze tickled my cheeks, and the fluttering flower petals piled up in front of me.

But my mind was now as heavy as my body, and my thoughts had become complicated like tangled threads.

“Hey, sorry, what department are you in?”

“… Who are you?”

As I was calming my disturbed mind with the wind, someone spoke to me.

I slowly turned my head and looked for the owner of the voice. But the person there was a stranger.

I’ve never seen them before, so they probably aren’t from the same department.

I was alert and answered cautiously.

“No, I am majoring in business administration. Can I ask which department it is? I like it that way.”

“… Ah.”

The man’s words came out of nowhere.

I ran away from the lecture and was just getting some fresh air, but a man got in trouble. Is business school really that relaxed?

I just answered half-heartedly and left, when I thought of Hansol.

For no reason, I felt like if I talked to men, Hansol would feel anxious and do the same thing as yesterday.

Even today, after taking the morning-after pill, my body felt heavy and my mind felt dizzy, and I didn’t think I could endure this feeling again.

“… Well, I’m fine. I’ll just accept your heart.”

“The architecture department is around here, right?”

“Ah, yes… . I’m a little unwell right now, so I’ll go first.”

I politely declined his confession and got up from the bench.

However, the male student in front of me seemed to have no intention of letting me go, so he snuck up next to me and kept pace with me.

I let out a sigh so softly that no one else could hear, and waved my arms away.

I grabbed my throbbing head and left to calm my mind.

“Now, wait a minute.”

“Sister?”

As I walked quickly, the male student chased after me.

Why is this happening? As I was sighing, I heard Hansol’s voice.

“Ah, no, this is this person… .”

“Are you my younger brother? hello. While I was walking around, I ran into my sister… ”

Embarrassed, I threw my hands in the air trying to come up with some sort of explanation.

Hansol seemed to be looking blankly at me and the boy following me in turns.

I felt like cold sweat was running down my spine.

I knew full well that Hansol had feelings for me. I knew that what happened yesterday was closely related to that, so I couldn’t say anything.

But what would Hansol say if he was seen with a man again right after that?

“I see. I have something to talk with my sister, so could you please leave for a moment?”

“No, I was talking first.”

Hansol glanced at me, as if he had noticed my situation to some extent, and then continued.

I wasn’t feeling well already and my head wasn’t working well, but I felt at ease because Hansol was helping me.

I took unsteady steps and walked towards Hansol. And tap. He said and leaned his head on Hansol’s chest.

I felt a little more comfortable. Is this a relief?

But the other side also had a tough time.

“No. My sister is not feeling well today. Please excuse me.”

Hansol treated me coldly and left with me.

Even though it was really in the middle of school, it was extremely annoying to have this happen.

“Sister. Didn’t you have a lecture today?”

“… I took it out because I wasn’t feeling well.”

“Really? Do you have anything to listen to now?”

“None.”

After leaving the place, Hansol spoke to me in a cold voice.

Since I was skipping lectures and was with another man, it was not unreasonable for him to act like that.

Originally, I would have said, “Who cares?”, but after hearing Hansol’s confession, that didn’t work out the way I wanted.

There was a slight difference between reason and emotion, and I was conflicted by the difference.

I weakly responded to Hansol’s words.

“But why are you with a guy instead of lectures?”

“That… That’s not what I meant to do.”

“If I miss a lecture because I’m not feeling well, I have to come home and rest or go to the hospital.”

Hansol’s words were cold. I tried to explain while sweating profusely, but Hansol did not listen to me and spoke angrily.

eww. It’s not because I want to do that, so why are you angry at me?

But I couldn’t say anything else because it seemed like he was worried rather than just angry.

I guess I’m saying this out of concern.

“Should I go to the hospital? I don’t have any lectures anymore.”

“No, rather than being sick, I’m just having a hard time because I took the birth control pill.”

“Really? Then it would be better to go home and rest.”

Hansol pulled my body closer and allowed me to lean on it.

I walked cautiously, leaning my head back.

Seeing that they brought up the hospital at the mention of being sick, I was right to be worried.

I smiled and answered Hansol softly.

“Is it really that hard on your body if you take the morning after pill?”

“I guess so. It’s difficult because it’s forcibly preventing pregnancy.”

“What is the principle?”

“Isn’t it something like hormone suppression?”

Hansol tilted his head as he looked at me, unable to straighten up.

To be honest, I’ve never been interested in the morning-after pill, so I didn’t know much about the principles or methods.

There was no reason to be interested in a drug that I had never thought I would use until yesterday.

Still, since pregnancy is forcibly prevented, isn’t it something to do with hormones?

I answered Hansol’s question with a little bit of thought.

“When my older sister walks around alone, men are attracted to her.”

“That’s right, me?”

“Sister, to be honest, you get a lot of confessions, right?”

“That’s right.”

As Hansol headed home, he raised his head as if reminiscing about the old days.

At first, I just responded to what Hansol said, but eventually I nodded.

“So, if you need to be alone, I will be with you. It’s hard for you too if a strange man gets in trouble for no reason.”

“Is that so? I’m still not feeling well today, but he was so mean to me earlier that I thought my head was going to explode.”

Hansol clenched his fists and moved his arms in a fighting posture.

Even after I rejected Hansol’s confession, Hansol continued to express his feelings to me in this way.

I was just looking away as if it was a favor, but considering what happened yesterday, I couldn’t look away and say it was a favor.

What is Hansol thinking? What do you have in mind?

I smiled helplessly and shrugged my shoulders.

“… … .”

In fact, Hansol and I have rarely fought in the long time we have been living as siblings.

Of course, it may have been because of mixing things up rather than fighting since middle school, but there was also a slightly different reason than that.

After being considerate of each other, observing what they like and what they do, their personalities were put together as easily as the puzzle right next to them.

There was only one person for us who matched our personalities and compatibility. There was a line called brother and sister.

To be honest, although they crossed the line of being brother and sister by talking about their close compatibility, it was difficult to officially accept their confession.

Because I knew that only the gaze of those around me, opposition from my family, and stigma from society would remain.

Even though I pushed Hansol away, Hansol was hugging me as if something was burning.

Hansol was pouring his heart into acts that were simply meant to satisfy his sexual desires.

“Hansol.”

“Huh?”

“Do you like me?”

“Yes.”

I already knew what the answer would be.

“Sister. Is it really because of that medicine that you didn’t go to class today?”

“Yes. My condition is so bad.”

“Then get some sleep today.”

“I guess so. My body is too heavy.”

Hansol smiled brightly, then changed his expression to worry when he saw me.

I twitched the corner of my mouth and answered that question. The more difficult it was, the more I wanted to fool around somewhere.

I only received financial support from my parents, but since Hansol and I were the only ones left at home every day, I had no one to rely on.

In the end, it’s not even fair to be an older sister to be acting like a fool like this.

I wanted to show my adult side, but we ended up just leaning on each other. Although I felt a little pathetic, I liked this situation for some reason.

It’s a relationship where I can’t do this or that, but that subtle sense of distance actually made me feel at ease.

“Would you like to sleep with me?”

“… Are you going to do something strange again?”

“No, I just want to take a nap.”

Meanwhile, Hansol seemed to like skinship, and even though he said he was going to sleep, he was saying that he wanted to sleep with me.

I let out a helpless laugh and opened my eyes.

When I glared at Hansol like that, Hansol scratched the back of his head and laughed, as if he was embarrassed.

“Okay. Just don’t make it too hot.”

As if there was nothing I could do, I closed my eyes and accepted Hansol’s words.

*

“Hot.”

When I returned home and was taking a nap in Hansol’s bed, it was hot because Hansol kept coming to me.

I don’t tend to have a fever, but Hansol has a fever, so it couldn’t be this hot when I hugged him.

When I carefully removed Hansol’s arm from around my neck and got up from the bed, sweat was running down my back.

As I grabbed my clothes and flapped them to create wind, my sweat quickly cooled and my body became cold.

“… Wake up already?”

“It’s hot because you’re so close to me. I want to sleep in my room… .”

When I moved, Hansol noticed right away and raised his head to look at me.

I took off my slightly damp clothes and went back to the room.

I was only wearing a bra, and it felt awkward to be wearing only shorts, so I naturally took off my clothes, leaving only my underwear.

I grabbed a towel, wiped my body lightly, lay back on the bed, and took a deep breath.

I felt like my heavy body had become a little lighter. Of course, it was still heavy.

After all, it seemed better not to take birth control pills. I wasn’t feeling well all day and was just miserable.

“Ha.”

what. Since Hansol said something that would hurt him, is it natural karma?

I know what a normal brother and sister are, but I don’t know the standard for siblings like this, so it was difficult to judge whether Hansol’s words were right or wrong.

If that’s the case, then that’s what it is. I also had this thought.

As my parents were often away from home, the affection I received from them naturally decreased and I became lacking in affection.

It’s not only me who was looking for a place to fool around and a place to be loved, but also Hansol.

I drew a line, but Hansol probably didn’t draw a line.

My head was a mess because I couldn’t organize my confused thoughts.

Thinking about the past made me feel strange, and it made me laugh that I was finally thinking about this.

“I need to sleep.”

I gently closed my eyes. The sound of my heart pounding could be clearly heard.

To calm my disturbed mind, I took a deep breath and gathered myself.

As I felt myself falling into sleep, I slowly reflected on what I had thought about today.