episode_0015

“… It’s noisy.”

I woke up to the sound of the alarm and fumbled with my hands to find the source of the sound.

I casually touched the smartphone lying on the bed, turned off the alarm, and got up with a heavy body.

I remember kicking my sister out of the room, but after that I couldn’t remember anything, whether I just slept or not.

When I glanced at the smartphone screen, the time showed 7:30.

If I had set it like this because I had a lecture at 9 o’clock, the reason I went to bed early would have been because of the lecture.

“… … .”

I quietly got up alone, washed my hair, washed my face, and brushed my teeth.

I think I am more relaxed than when I was in high school, but it was still difficult.

“Hansol.”

“Huh?”

“How are you today? Are you okay?”

“Ugh. It’s okay.”

As I was staring at the mirror in fascination, my older sister opened the bathroom door and glanced at me.

When I heard my sister’s call, I was dumbfounded for two seconds, then turned my head and answered.

My sister was tilting her head and looking into my eyes. I guess it was because I kept blanking out yesterday and kept my distance from my sister.

I sighed and put my sister’s words aside.

“If you’re sick, you can miss about a day. It’s still early in the semester… .”

“No, it’s okay. Thank you for your concern.”

Even though I said it was okay, my sister didn’t leave the bathroom, probably because she was still worried about me.

If it looks so dull, should I tell you to take a break for a day?

I turned on the water in the sink. After watching the water pour for a moment, I washed my face with cold water and told my sister.

“It’s okay… .”

Then, he quietly placed his hands on the sink and muttered in a voice so low that his sister could not hear him.

I knew it wasn’t okay at all, but I still had to comfort myself like this.

*

I calmly entered the school, listened to the 9 o’clock lecture, and took notes on the content of the lecture and the professor’s main points.

Nothing sticks in my mind right away, but in times like this, I have to take notes at least to make it easier to review next time.

As I was writing this, I felt like I couldn’t study like my sister because I was like this.

Is this a feeling of admiration or a sense of inferiority? I kept comparing myself to my sister and using her as a standard.

“Hey, sorry, what grade are you in?”

“… Me? Class of 19.”

“Ah. You’re a new student. Can you show me your notes? I wanted to check if I missed anything today.”

After the lecture, I drew lines in my notes one last time.

As I was half-heartedly throwing my pen on the notebook and stretching out, someone came up to me and started talking to me.

I had not been to any drinking parties since the new student welcome party, so I answered cautiously, not knowing who was who.

A male student who appeared to be a senior was asking politely with a shy expression.

“You can speak comfortably.”

“Ah… okay? Thank you.”

The next lecture started at 11 o’clock, so there was still time.

I handed over my note and shrugged, and the senior responded in an awkward tone and took the note.

The senior, who was nodding his head in contrast, smiled and said “Thank you. I saw it well. I answered ” and returned the note.

“By the way, I’ll buy you a coffee in return. Do you know where the cafe is here?”

“No. I’ve never been to a cafe in school.”

“It’s quite close to our department.”

The senior, who was packing his bag with a bright smile, gave the impression that he had been a model student at school before.

When the lecture was over, it seemed like they did a quick review by comparing notes with others rather than leaving the classroom right away.

The senior stood up and smiled, pointing outward with his finger.

To soothe my agitated stomach, I should go out for some fresh air. With that in mind, I nodded and accepted my senior’s suggestion.

“I am Seong Ha-jin, class of ’18. What about you?”

“I’m Hansol Lee, class of ‘19. But, do students in class of 2018 also take this class?”

“Ah, when I was in first grade, I got sick and ended up in the hospital, so it’s been a while since I got an F.”

As a new student and having no contact with friends, I entered the cafe on campus for the first time.

Senior Hajin was looking at the menu while introducing himself first.

I also looked at the menu and said my student number and name. And when I asked what I was curious about, the senior smiled awkwardly and approached the cash register.

“Do you like sweets?”

“… I tend to eat well.”

“Then, please give me two caramel macchiatos.”

“ek. You don’t have to do that.”

“No. It’s my reward for showing you the note. You can ask me again next time.”

I don’t like it bitter, but I’m the one who gets it, so would Americano be better? If it means waking up, that would be good.

When I was about to decide to order while snorting softly, my senior asked me carefully.

As a child, I nodded slightly. Then the senior grinned, held out his card, and placed an order.

The senior even ordered the same drink and said considerate things as if I was not paying attention.

“Next time, I will buy it.”

“No. What is the price of a note?”

I carefully held the plastic cup, glanced at my senior, and opened my mouth.

Then the senior smiled slightly and waved his hand.

He seemed like a really nice person.

“Goodbye. This time, I’m in a different building because I’m taking a second-year major class.”

“Goodbye.”

I, who was quietly spending time, let my senior go and put my mouth to the straw.

There was a sweet caramel scent in my mouth.

As I left the cafe and had a drink, I fell into thought again. With about 20 minutes left, I took one step at a time while thinking of my older sister.

I don’t want to end my relationship with my sister, but time passes coldly and there isn’t much time left. Although I accepted it as 3 years, it was extended because of the military, so in reality, the remaining time was only 1 year.

I had to get my sister to reverse her decision to end the relationship within a year. Then what should I do? The answer is quite simple, but difficult to put into practice.

“I have about 20 minutes to spare.”

I glanced at my watch and calculated the remaining time.

I had already arrived at the building where the next lecture was held, but since there was still a lot of time left, I decided to walk a little further and got lost in thought again.

I sucked on the drink in my hand, savoring the sweet taste, and looked around.

As soon as I took my mouth off the straw, I stopped walking. And then he twitched the hand holding the plastic cup.

Even though I was disillusioned with the idea I had come up with, I knew that this was the only way, so I twitched the corners of my mouth.

*

“… … .”

After spending my lunch break and listening to all the lectures, the clock was already showing 4 PM.

I wrote down all the contents of the lecture in my notebook, but the only things that remained in my mind were things about my sister.

The professor left and the students also left the empty classroom, sighing.

The slightly raised corners of my mouth showed my feelings.

My goal was to have my older sister become a loner, unable to survive college, and stay at home clinging to me.

Thinking of things I couldn’t tell anyone, I put my major books and notes in my bag and prepared to go home.

“I went there.”

An empty house with no one in it. Tuesday was the day my sister came home late.

I turned on the living room light, put my bag down next to the sofa, and threw myself on the sofa.

I sat down on the sofa in a collapsing position and stared at the black screen without turning on the TV.

The thoughts I had at school were still continuing.

How to do it and when to start. Will it work out?

Under the compulsion to succeed at once, I could only think about it, but never had the courage to act on it.

Once trust is lost in a human relationship, it is difficult to regain, so it had to be done carefully.

“Hello?”

[uh. hello? Hansol, we are going to my house this weekend. Are you going anywhere then?]

As I was lying on the sofa, lost in thought, I felt a vibration in my pocket.

Ugh. I took out my trembling smartphone and looked at the screen. And I quickly found out that the caller was my mother.

When I answered the phone, my mother told me the story she had already heard from my sister.

My father was next to my mother, and I could hear his voice occasionally.

“Uh… . Mom, my sister and I were on a college MT at the time, so I don’t think there will be any Fridays and Saturdays?”

[Ah, really? So you’re coming home on Saturday, right?]

“Because I said it was 2 days and 1 night… Probably so?”

[Then it’s okay~ Let’s go eat dinner with the family on Saturday evening.]

I looked at the calendar for a moment and remained silent. I looked at the 22nd and 23rd quietly and continued.

My sister had already canceled the MT, but I remembered that she had asked me to go out for drinks, so I lied to my mom and said I was going to the MT.

Mom answered in a slightly regretful voice, and then made an appointment with the family.

I calmly “ understand. I will tell my sister. I answered ”.

[okay. Okay~ See you this Saturday~]

“Yes.”

The phone suddenly hung up. I sighed as I looked at the black screen.

I knew my parents treated me well, but I couldn’t say they were all that good.

It was true that I liked my older sister better than my parents because I had to rely on each other during the time my parents were away.

I clicked my tongue and threw the smartphone in my hand onto the sofa.

I didn’t want to do anything. I remembered receiving an assignment, but there was no way I could get my hands on it right away.

“Ha.”

No matter how many times I sighed, my stomach never felt relieved.

I continued to pound my chest, which was feeling oppressively tight.

“I went~”

“Is your sister here?”

“Hansol came first?”

“Uh. My lecture ends at 4 o’clock.”

“You worked hard~”

Right after I picked up the bag I had left next to the sofa and carried it to the room, I heard the sound of the door lock button.

The door opened, and my sister’s lively voice came through.

I stuck my head out and welcomed my sister, and she came into the house, taking off her shoes.

I shrugged my shoulders and accepted my sister’s luggage. My sister, who was now empty-handed, smiled and lightly tapped my chest with her palm as if praising me.

“But what is this?”

“Ah~ It’s a lunch box. I bought it because a store opened nearby.”

As I was looking at my sister, I lowered my gaze when I realized that there was an envelope among the luggage I had received from her.

When I glanced at the contents of the envelope and asked my sister, she just took the envelope.

My sister took out plastic containers from inside and placed them one by one on the table.

“The fortress also sells packed lunches.”

“The quality is better than convenience stores, so I guess it sells well even though it is a little more expensive.”

“Well, even if you pay a little more money, you still want to eat good food.”

After putting my sister’s bag in her room, I looked at the lunch box on the table.

The lunch box covered with a transparent lid looked quite delicious.

“Is this mine?”

“That’s bulgogi. Mine is the egg roll set.”

When I looked at the lunch box placed next to me, there was bulgogi inside.

When I opened the lid, a delicious smell quickly entered my nose.

My sister sat down on the chair and picked up chopsticks.

“Let’s eat.”

“Now that I think about it, my mom called me earlier.”

“What?”

“I heard you’re coming this weekend? I said I was going to MT on Friday and Saturday. So, he suggested that we go out to eat with the family on Saturday evening.”

My sister picked up a finely sliced egg roll and put it in her mouth.

Sitting across from me, I glanced at my sister and opened my mouth.

My sister looked at me intently, mumbling with food in one cheek.

When I relayed the exact conversation my mom and I had, my sister responded with a nasal voice, saying “huh~”.

“I see. Should I just stop drinking and tell my mom to cancel the MT… .”

My sister stopped using her chopsticks for a moment as if she was thinking about something.

And then he quietly continued:

“No, my sister asked me to drink, so I canceled all my plans that day?”

“ek. Isn’t it the original MT date?”

“After canceling MT, I refused everything my friends asked me to do.”

“Okay… ?”

I became nervous about my sister’s words and continued speaking quickly as if I was holding on to her.

My sister blinked when she heard what I said.

Of course, I’m not lying, but I wanted to hold on to my sister like this. I rarely go out to a motel or hotel after drinking alone with my sister, so I didn’t want to miss this opportunity.

When I tried to cajole my sister with words, she slightly looked away, as if she felt sorry for hearing what I said.

My older sister, who was pursing her lips as if she was thinking about it, slumped her shoulders.

“Then there’s nothing we can do… . I’ll tell you that I understand.”

Something felt strange.

Even though what I said was a lie, I knew that if I made my sister feel sorry, she would listen to me.

If I use something like this, wouldn’t my sister listen to me one by one? In the end, wouldn’t he back out of his talk about ending the relationship?

I got a little curious.

I had the feeling that if I made my sister lonely without any basis, someone could sneak in through that gap.

But seeing my older sister now changed my mind. I feel a little more confident.

Although I only had abstract thoughts, I slowly began to think that I could make a concrete plan.