episode_0051

“…Inhale.”

In the dim dawn,

Pain arrives along with a sensation flowing from below.

Ah. Why now of all times.

My brother embraces me, and carefully detaching myself, I quickly walk into the bathroom.

Below, crimson blood stains thickly.

Is it camellia?

With a metallic scent stinging my nose, I grimace, furrow my brows, and remove the sanitary pad.

Though it’s the smallest one, I managed to prevent overflow.

“Sigh….”

I take out a new pad, change it, wipe away the blood on my buttocks.

The gritty sensation disgusts me, but what can I do.

This unique little thing allows me to leave the bathroom.

“Ouch….”

Should I like this or not.

This is truly the moment when I keenly feel that I am a woman.

A body capable of bearing a child. That’s how I feel.

It feels good… but it hurts.

Really hurts. Will it be worse tomorrow?

There’s no such thing as a pleasant pain.

Just feeling dirty.

Feeling the continuous dripping and the impending disaster if it overflows.

Sitting down makes me feel like I’m at my limit.

I’m concerned about everything.

“I’m sorry….”

A woman’s body should be warm.

Hoping my brother doesn’t notice, I slip under the blanket.

I couldn’t embrace him.

This… I can only apologize.

*

“Ugh.”

As if by habit, my body naturally wakes up at 6 o’clock.

The pain persists, but unable to shake off the damp feeling, I get up, change the sanitary pad, and return.

At least 3 days. Sometimes 7 days.

If I endure just two days, I can manage the rest adequately, so these two days are the time of suffering.

Gently stroking my brother’s hair as he sleeps peacefully, unaware of the world.

Just watching him makes the pain more bearable until he wakes up.

My body curls up, striving to regain warmth.

“Uh…?”

“I… woke up?”

“Mm-hmm….”

My brother pulls me into a hug with sleepy eyes.

“Ugh….”

“Mm-hmm…?”

It’s just an ordinary embrace, but my waist feels pressed.

“Did it hurt?”

“…No, it’s okay.”

Surprised, my brother withdraws his hand.

Yet, I was afraid to ask him to hold me again.

“…Like I said before.”

My brother seems to recall that I don’t have much time left.

He looked at me with a worried expression as I closed my mouth.

“Just endure today and tomorrow, and you’ll be fine….”

“……”

My brother slowly gets up.

“Last time, I received it. Today, I’ll try.”

“N-no.”

It won’t work.

I appreciate it.

Truly grateful….

My brother is hopelessly bad at housework.

And I did return the favor back then.

“Don’t worry. For now… I’ll do everything. Just lie down.”

“No… please.”

I must stop him.

I try to sit up, but I’m filled with pain.

“Uh….”

“I’ll handle it. If I touch the sensitive area in your absence, it will hurt more… so let me handle it.”

Should I use a wheelchair? Having a cane might be helpful too.

Supporting me, my brother lays me down on the couch.

“Uh….”

Feeling unwell.

Should I turn over? It will hurt more if I do.

My brother turns on the heater.

The warm breeze from the sofa slightly improves my mood.

“Thank you….”

“What… can I do for you?”

“Yesterday… I prepared soup while you were sleeping.”

“Oh. I’ll heat it up.”

Heading towards the kitchen, I briefly turned back and went to the bedroom to fetch a blanket.

“Is this enough?”

“Thank you. This will do.”

Although I regretted not buying something that would actually help with menstrual cramps after looking around, it seemed like my brother was quick to notice and promptly fulfilled what was needed.

“Should I bring it here?”

“Well… I think that might be better.”

As he boiled soup, my brother took out rice, side dishes, and placed them on the table in front of the sofa.

“Let’s eat. We should eat before going to bed.”

“Ugh…”

Suppressing the urge to just lie down and sleep, I got up.

“…”

I’m not really hungry. It feels strange, as quiet as the night sea.

It’s natural to be hungry in the morning.

Forcing myself, I scooped some soup with a spoon.

“Ugh…”

I don’t want to open my mouth.

I don’t want to put food in my mouth.

It’s a bit surprising. And annoying.

“Are you okay?”

“Ah… I’m fine. Just not feeling like eating.”

Setting down the spoon, I lay back down.

“Well… should I try making porridge then?”

“…I’m not sure.”

Was porridge good for menstrual cramps…?

I heard something about having vegetables and drinking tea.

“I’ll make it for now.”

“…Yes, thank you.”

I have to eat something anyway….

I guess I can manage to eat porridge.

I lay back on the sofa.

Raising my head to look at the kitchen, my brother was adding water to the pot while looking at his phone.

Porridge… should be fine.

I’m so useless.

Should I really eat healthily?

Every time this day comes, I feel sorry for my brother.

I start having negative thoughts.

I appreciate my brother taking care of me, but I wish he would just leave me alone.

It’s my fault for not taking care of my body.

It’s my fault for unnecessarily troubling my brother.

Even if I’m the one who usually takes care of the housework, can I handle it like my brother does if he takes over for me awkwardly?

No, I can’t.

“Ugh…”

The established roles have been shattered.

I feel like a fool.

How can I fulfill the role of a wife like this?

Do I even deserve to love my brother?

“I made the porridge… Jihye?”

“I’m sorry…”

“Why are you crying?”

“This shouldn’t be happening….”

Twice a month.

In severe cases, my brother has to take care of me for a week.

That’s ridiculous.

I’m not a baby.

“It’s okay.”

“…”

“Last time was the same, and it’s the same now. We haven’t been dating for that many years. Everything is new.”

“But… having to take care of me like this every month… it’s a burden.”

I don’t want to burden my brother.

Especially not with household chores.

But I shouldn’t blame myself.

Showing a sad or struggling face won’t change anything.

It has to be this way. Why am I so sensitive?

No, it’s just my body acting up.

I really should have just taken some medicine or something.

Ah, what a fool.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry. If things don’t improve, let’s go to the hospital for advice. Maybe get some medication or something, like Suhyun suggested.”

“…”

I didn’t want to unnecessarily trouble my brother.

That’s why I had this thought of preparing in advance.

Spending time with my brother was so enjoyable.

I only thought about next week.

Why did it come so soon?

I want to apologize.

But we have a promise.

Not to feel sorry for each other.

“Thank you. But I want to say sorry.”

“Okay…”

Within my pain limits, I embraced my brother.

“It’s okay. It’s okay… If Jihye is in pain, I will definitely take care of you. No matter what happens, I will do that.”

“Ugh…”

Nestled in his arms, I soaked my brother’s clothes with tears.

On this day, may it pass by.

I pray for women to adapt quickly to their bodies.

“Phew….”

“Well…okay. Let’s eat once the porridge is ready and warm up your stomach. After eating, lie down in bed right away.”

“Yes….”

My mood improved.

I decided to think positively.

Now that I’ve experienced it twice.

I should be able to prepare better next time.

I should stop blaming myself while suffering in pain.

“Hehe…sob….”

I try the porridge before dying.

I end up eating it again.

To fill my stomach, it feels like the last resort to eat when I can’t eat.

“Sip…hehe sob….”

I laugh. Tears still flowing.

“It’s not tasty. Very…salty. Hehe….”

“Oh…sorry.”

I tried to pick up the spoon but took another bite.

“Sip…not tasty…hehehe….”

They say if you cry then laugh, horns will grow on your butt.

Was it horns on the head? It doesn’t really matter.

I don’t know. It’s still the adaptation phase.

“Thank you. I love you. I like you. Please keep me forever.”

“…Okay.”

No matter how hard it gets, I find it really difficult to give up on Oppa.

I need to adapt. I have to adapt as quickly as possible.

There’s a lot to work through.

It’s been two months since becoming a woman, almost three months now.

I’ve accepted being a woman, but there’s still something lacking.

There’s much to do to become a proper woman.

So, I just wanted to confirm.

Can you accept me?

Will my attachment to Oppa become an obsession later on?

I’ll definitely fix it, and Oppa just needs to understand that.

I don’t want to burden Oppa more than necessary.

“Enough. Let’s stop eating.”

“Phew…okay.”

Rinsing my mouth with water, Oppa moves me to the bedroom.

“…It might smell a lot with me around.”

“It’s okay.”

Oppa comes in without hesitation and sniffs around.

“Is it me?”

“Yeah.”

“…Move me to my bed.”

“The scent you leave behind is always nice.”

“…Huh?”

“I don’t really…know anything else.”

“Ugh….”

Am I pretending not to know or do I really not know?

Hoping Oppa would understand, I hugged him.

“Then…please warm me up.”

“Got it.”

Oppa wraps me as I wished.

A space where breathing under the blanket makes it warmer.

The most stable place for me.

I must live properly as a woman.

“……”

“This isn’t something I made.”

“Oh. I see.”

“Phew…that’s too much.”

Looking at the bag next to me, it was a famous porridge brand.

“Enjoy your meal.”

“Well…that’s fortunate.”

“Oppa, you should eat too. I can’t finish all of this.”

I wondered where Oppa had gone when I got up.

I lay wrapped in the blanket thinking he would come back soon.

When it’s tough, just think of Oppa.

“…This taste is on a different level from what I did.”

“It’s worth the price. Well, I can make it too.”

“If I catch a cold, will you make it for me?”

“Of course.”

As my mood improves, the pain seems to be fading slightly.

Surely it’s getting better.

“Oh. I also bought medicine. It’s a painkiller, and it helps when you take it.”

“Thank you.”

“And…?”

Digging into the bag, Oppa takes out more medicine.

“…Birth control pills?”

“No…I’m not sure, but you must take these.”

If Oppa bought them and didn’t know, what does that mean?

“Is it for Soohyun Unnie?”

“Yeah….”

I try calling.

[“Hey Jihye, are you feeling better that day?”]

“I’m okay but…”

[Birth control pills aren’t just for preventing pregnancy. I think it’s good to try regulating your period once. Take painkillers with it today. Just for today and tomorrow. Birth control pills can help alleviate menstrual cramps a bit and reduce the amount, so don’t forget to set an alarm or something to take them every day. Let’s talk about the details when you feel comfortable later, okay?]

“Thank you. Unni.”

Despite always being busy, I’m truly grateful for my sister who takes the time to explain things in detail.

[Hmm~ That’s true, but your boyfriend is so sweet. I wonder how nice it would be to have a man like that…]

“I-I’ll definitely look into it. Since you’re pretty, sis, it should be possible.”

…But I must make sure to find one for her.

“Yeah. Thanks~”

The reason is clear now.

“I brought some water here.”

“Thank you.”

Next time, I must overcome it properly.

“Should we sleep early tonight?”

“Yes.”

Brother is going to work tomorrow.

Hoping everything will be fine tomorrow, I nestle into my brother’s embrace.

“Thank you.”

“It seems admirable how you’re trying to overcome this. Thank you every time.”

I give a brief peck on the cheek to my brother, who speaks so kindly.

“I’m thankful to you too, brother. Good night.”

“Good night.”