episode_0047

Mom. Mother. Because it’s the word most people utter for the first time upon being born, the existence of a mother has an absolute impact on a person’s life. It’s even to the point where curses that touch upon one’s mother are considered the most malicious insults. Most people who don’t receive affection that exercises such immense influence on a person’s life become twisted. Of course, there are rare cases where that doesn’t happen….. Haha, that’s absolutely not the case for me.

“Look at me.” As proof, I’m attempting to violate the birth mother I bore in pain. “Look at me.” Even if I’m twisted, haven’t I become thoroughly twisted? “Now!!!!” I wail. Grasping the throat of the mother who rejects me with her whole body, I wail. Telling her to look at me. Asking why she keeps turning away from me. Asking if it’s because I’m the defective eldest. Asking if it’s because I’m a defective bitch who couldn’t even use the single ability that her other siblings easily wield because I don’t possess those common golden eyes. But there was no reply to be heard. Even choking her throat and tearing her clothes. Only wailing sounds came out; the mother never looked at me. Hah. “Spread. Spread them, you whore.” You who spread your legs countless times for that guy, you can’t spread them even once for your daughter? Huh? Why can’t you spread them? I just want to return to the place I was born. What did I do so wrong? Huh? What did I do wrong? Still, there was no answer returning. “Still no answer, you say?” Then I’ll have to make that mouth open. With those last words, I tore off my birth mother’s underwear.

— “Whose baby is this?” A baby was held in the arms of a simple male servant. As if having just opened its eyes, the baby’s eyes were repeatedly closing and opening. “I asked whose child this is.” At my persistent prodding, the servant, as if annoyed, finally opens his mouth. “She is Princess Yelena.” “Princess? Where is the wet nurse, and why is it you, a mere servant, holding the precious princess?” “There is no wet nurse. His Highness Mikhail said one was not necessary.” “What?” The inside story I probed out of the servant was truly appalling. Simply for the sin of not possessing golden eyes, this poor princess wasn’t receiving the treatment she naturally deserved as a princess and was being raised in the hands of a mere servant. And in the hands of a very disrespectful servant, at that. ‘Damn Mikhail.’ To take my lover, rape her, make her bear a child, and then abandon it because it didn’t have golden eyes. Rage surged within me. “I will take her.” As soon as I finished speaking, the servant handed the princess over to me like a piece of luggage and disappeared. Such a boorish fellow. Part of me wanted to immediately cast him out of the palace, but as a queen who was not favored, even a light reprimand would likely cost a significant price. There was nothing to do but suppress it internally. “Ooh?” As if the princess had woken up, she looked at me with wide, sparkling eyes. “Peek-a-boo~!” “Kyaa!” Smiling a smile that resembled Anastasia’s, the princess laughed. “How is it that you resemble your mother so much?” Again and again, the face of my stolen lover was drawn over the princess’s face. Over the clear eyes looking at me, her eyes that once looked at me with a very loving gaze. Her chubby hands, the fine and beautiful hands that stroked my cheek. And even her pink hair that always fluttered, blending with the sky-blue light whenever the wind blew. “Ooh~!” Ah, I cannot help but love this child. I love this child who is a spitting image of my beloved lover. Having lost my entire heart to this child who resembles Anastasia. I hugged the princess tightly and whispered. “I will become your parent instead, Princess. Though I am a worthless queen consort with neither power nor favor, I will raise you, Princess, so you need not envy any other royalty.” “Kyaa!” As if replying to my words, the princess babbled and laughed. “My beloved Princess.” The princess was so lovely that I couldn’t help but hug her tightly.

— To have old events appear in a dream. That’s truly strange. I had dreamed strange fantasies before, but this was the first time dreaming of old memories. Even if I had a dream of memories with Tacha (Anastasia), the reality I face upon waking is too sad, so I had intentionally tried not to dream them. Is it fortunate, then, that I dreamed a dream related to Yelena, not Tacha? I lit a lamp and looked out the window. The pitch-black darkness outside the window had settled, indicating that it was the middle of the night. ‘I can’t sleep anyway, I should read a book.’ I took out a novel placed on the bedside table and began to read. The novel was about lovers who continued their love through all sorts of hardships and adversities until the very end. The book was already tattered from being read over a dozen times, but I tenaciously kept reading this novel, even going so far as to attach a new cover. Rustle Just as I was perhaps turning the twentieth page, Knock knock A sudden knock was heard. “Who is it?” It wouldn’t be a lady-in-waiting. Before Yelena’s rebellion, the ladies-in-waiting wouldn’t show themselves at night, and after the rebellion, they showed extreme loyalty and wouldn’t rudely knock on the door in the middle of the night. Then it must be someone other than a lady-in-waiting. Who would come looking for a worthless queen consort in the middle of the night, at that? Instantly, all sorts of bad imaginations arose in my mind. Imaginations like a group who followed Mikhail coming to seek revenge on me. With the thought of wielding the candle if needed, I slowly approached the door. “Who… who is it?” “It’s me, Mother.” It was my daughter, Yelena. I felt relieved and opened the door for her. “Yelena, what’s wrong….. Ugh!” But the state of Yelena I faced upon opening the door was terrible. It was so terrible that I involuntarily gasped in shock. As if she had put up a strong resistance, her clothes were torn in various places, and there were bruises and fingernail marks etched here and there. Truly a terrible state. I threw aside all courtesy and formality and quickly grabbed my daughter’s shoulders, asking what had happened. “Yelena, did something happen? Did the remaining remnants perhaps attack you….” But before I could even finish speaking, Yelena deeply hugged me. “It’s not that, so you don’t need to worry….. I just thought it would make me feel better….. but instead, I only feel worse….” So much was omitted that I couldn’t fully understand her words, but I said nothing and hugged my daughter tightly. Because this is a parent’s role. “…. Can I sleep with you tonight?” “Of course, my baby.” I led Yelena by the hand and took her to the bed. Even lying on the bed, Yelena was tucked tightly in my arms like a baby. Goodness, this child. They say a child is still a baby even when they grow up, and that was exactly the case. Craving her mother’s embrace even after turning 20. Pat pat As if understanding everything, I patted my daughter’s back. Then Yelena made a nasal sound and burrowed deeper into my embrace. That appearance was so cute that I involuntarily smiled. “Even as an adult, you’re still like a baby….” “I’m not a baby.” “Alright, alright, let’s call a daughter who comes to her mom’s bed at 20 years old an adult.” “…..That’s mean….” My daughter grumbled indignantly, but she didn’t actually leave my embrace. “Let’s go to sleep now….” Perhaps thanks to my daughter’s warmth, sleep, which hadn’t come easily, quickly enveloped me.

— Slide slide slide “……Mo……. the…..” My head throbbing painfully. My eyes still consumed by darkness. Yet, something is felt. That sensation felt during that previous terrible moment, and an experience I could never forget again. And something that absolutely should not be felt in a situation where I’m sleeping with my daughter was vividly manifesting itself even within my submerged consciousness. “Hngh……. ther…… Mo……. Ahngh…..” No. It can’t be. Slide slide slide Denying the reality I felt with my whole body, I slowly opened my eyes. And the truth revealed in the darkness was “Tatyana…… Ah…… Hnngh…..” It was the unfiltered terrible truth. “KYAAAAAAAAAH-!!!” Without hesitation, I screamed and pushed my daughter away. My daughter’s soft skin felt like a sin in my hands. “Yelena! How could you….. how could you…..! Do something like this…..!” The finger I raised towards my daughter trembled uncontrollably with anger. Betrayal, rage, disappointment, fear, and all sorts of emotions raged, eroding my reason. But Yelena, with a calm face, straightened her clothes, came closer to me, and reached out a hand. “Were you very startled….” Slap! As I firmly slapped her hand away, my daughter’s eyes settled for a moment before sparkling with an unidentifiable light. A gaze I had definitely seen somewhere. As I searched my memory for a moment, I quickly found it. Right, it was that gaze from that time. The gaze that damn guy had every time I engaged in acts of affection with Tacha. As soon as the old memory resurfaced, the image of an ugly human was overlaid upon my lovely daughter’s face. The revulsion, displeasure, and contempt he always displayed when looking at me. And the envy and jealousy he couldn’t hide. At that time, he was just a servant who didn’t know his place, but years later, the relationship between him and me completely changed. That guy who alternately violated me and Tacha, humiliated us, and shamed us until we were less than dogs in the palace. I can’t breathe. As the terrible and painful memory resurfaced, my hands and feet trembled uncontrollably and my vision blurred. But even as my body trembled uncontrollably with anger and fear, my voice was resolute. “Get out.” “……. Mother.” “Get out now before I slap that cheek!” Yelena looked at me for a moment with a complex expression, then left the room. How….. How on earth? No, why? My mind was still swirling like a storm, filled with disappointment, rage, fear, and disappointment. But at the same time, my body was sensitive, as the excitement and heat hadn’t subsided. The sensation approaching was too vivid to simply dismiss it as a mischievous dream in the middle of the night. Perhaps I would not be able to sleep tonight. ….. Perhaps tomorrow, too. But the me until this point did not know. That this was merely the beginning.