episode_0040

“Aasha”

Stop it.

“I love you.”

Shut that mouth.

“I’ve loved you since the moment I first saw you.”

Shut up, I said.

“Please spend the rest of your life with me.”

SHUT UP!!!

It was an evening no different from before.

A normal evening where you were working and I was feeding you dinner.

And then you shattered it.

That peaceful evening, completely no different,

In the worst form, a marriage proposal.

—

When he knelt down and showed me the ring, the first thought that came to mind was bewilderment.

Why would he propose to me?

We shouldn’t have been at that stage yet.

The next thought, strangely, was a slight joy.

The joy of being able to spend my whole life with you.

And as soon as that joy rushed in,

Instinctive revulsion crawled up.

The personality of a man. The ego that absolutely does not see men as romantic partners consumes me again.

Then the joy instantly vanishes, and nauseating revulsion overwhelms me.

It’s disgusting. Too disgusting.

It’s so disgusting I feel like I’m going to vomit.

Even though I haven’t eaten, acrid fluid rises from within.

“Aasha.”

Shut up before I tear that mouth apart.

Goosebumps rise on their own at the pet name he calls me.

I told you not to call me that. My nickname is Tachya. Not a girly name like Aasha.

“Aasha?”

Seeing me not react, Mikhail calls my name again.

Does this guy know? That just now, when you called my name, it felt like a centipede was crawling up my arm.

That every time I look at the ring in the case, I feel like vomiting.

Do you know?

No, you wouldn’t.

My fist clenches tightly. This is the only chance. As long as this bastard is off guard, this is the only time I can swing my fist.

But my fist slowly loosens. Something stops me from swinging my fist.

The me who spent several months with him.

The me who slowly gave my heart to him.

The me as a woman, whom I had constantly guarded against and trampled down for the past 20 years,

Stops the me as a man.

What a truly strange thing.

Awfulness and joy, revulsion and ecstasy, two conflicting emotions surrounded and entangled me.

Because of that, my body was unable to do either one or the other, and only my hands were trembling.

“Aasha!”

Mikhail takes my hand. Then goosebumps instantly rise, and I shake off his hand.

“I hate it….. I hate it…..! I hate it!!!”

Why do I have to suffer this? Just because I was nice to you, I have to stick next to the enemy who killed my father and even accept a marriage proposal?

Why…. Why…. Why…..!

Mikhail came into my trembling vision.

He had a completely flustered face, as if he hadn’t expected my extreme rejection.

Seeing that state come into view, a corner of my heart ached, but it also felt awful.

Before I show a more pathetic state, I turn my back. Leaving him standing there dumbfounded, I leave the spot without a word.

“Sob…. Hiccup…. Sniff…..”

I cried like a girl and entered my room as if fleeing.

But even after entering the room, my emotions were still boiling over like a tremor.

Still gasping for breath convulsively, I kept crying.

“Ah-uhk….. Hist……. Huh……”

How could you do this to me?

Why did you propose to me?

Did you think my not refusing unreasonable demands all this time was love?

You? How dare you?

You, who killed my father and forcibly held onto me?

Utterly shameless.

I hated that bastard who betrayed me and dared to confess his love.

That guy who dared to hold onto me and whisper love was repulsive and disgusting.

But even so…..

I hated my own self that fluttered at his confession.

The me who had somehow been colored as a woman felt terrible and irritated.

The me as a woman, whom I had thought I would never see again, having been cast into the abyss and continuously denied for 20 years, was already consuming me.

No. It’s terrible. No…. No…..

“No-!!!!”

I must leave immediately. Right now.

Before I completely turn into a woman,

Before I lose the me as a man,

I must leave quickly. I had to leave this place as soon as possible.

Like mad, I searched the room and packed valuables, cash, a few changes of clothes, and a dagger.

Although nothing was decided or clear, I packed the bare minimum of luggage.

And the moment I was about to leave the room.

“My daughter, where are you going?”

The terrible nightmare covered me again.

—

1 hour before the proposal

“It’s steak today.”

On the silver tray lay a freshly grilled steak.

Aasha hummed a tune and cut the steak into bite-sized pieces.

“Hmm~ Hmm~ Hmm~ Done!”

Then she sat next to me and kindly fed me piece by piece.

Actions one would expect from a lover. Although she is rationalizing that they are still just friends, who would do this kind of thing with a friend?

If she was just roughly feeding me out of a sense of duty, that would be one thing.

But you, who carefully observe my every single action and react immediately to even the smallest sign, truly have no ulterior motives?

Absolutely not.

My body trembled slightly on its own from elation and joy.

Finally…. Finally…!

She has come to love me.

Not as a friend, but as a lover.

Of course, judging by her lack of reaction, it doesn’t seem like she’s fully aware yet…

Well, I just have to make her realize it.

I’ve waited by her side for over 15 years, wouldn’t I be able to do just that?

Because I was confident in how to charm women.

“Give me some vegetables too.”

“Okay.”

Her bustling movements, answering my every little word, were lovely.

Would she be like that in bed too? Would she be startled by my every moan and clench herself?

……. It seems I’m going a little mad lately.

My lust continues to pile up from constantly being together, and since I can’t relieve my desires, they erupt into such wicked imaginations.

Nothing big will happen because of this, right…?

From needless worry, I trace the rectangular object inside my pocket.

The object that had occupied my pocket for several weeks was in the same place today, unchanged.

Should I do it today?

If I’m going to make her realize her feelings… a confession would be best.

Lately, the servants’ gazes towards Aasha are getting worse too.

I had left them be until now, worried Aasha might feel burdened, but if she accepts me, I’ll be able to punish them immediately.

More than anything, my intuition urged me.

To propose to her quickly.

That if not now, I would miss the chance.

The intuition that had always helped me was persuading me.

The deliberation wasn’t long.

I made up my mind. To propose today.

Because it was the intuition that gave decisive help at important moments, it wouldn’t be wrong this time either.

Perhaps

30 minutes before the proposal

“My body feels stiff today.”

Bored, Aasha stretched. As she raised her arms, her large breasts rose simultaneously, then fell and swayed.

Gulp-

It was extremely suggestive, I swallowed unknowingly.

“Want to go for a walk?”

“A walk? That sounds good to me.”

Aasha rejoiced like a puppy and tagged along behind me. She was so cute I wanted to put a leash on her.

…… Bad thoughts keep coming to mind.

Setting aside the dirty lust for a moment, Aasha and I walked through the garden.

Most of the royal palace was restored close to its original form, but the garden underwent remodeling.

The labyrinth where the Death Runner risking his life had taken place became a park with a small lake.

The old growth tree where his parents’ corpses were hung was removed so that not even the stump remained.

In the garden where all of his painful memories had disappeared, white snow had piled up endlessly.

As if to cover everything, the snow had piled up softly.

And upon that pure white canvas, a pink-haired woman was running and playing.

Like a brush coloring various parts of the canvas, Aasha ran around everywhere, her hair flying.

“Misha! Come quickly!”

How long has it been since she was that excited, since the festival? Calling out even my nickname, which she doesn’t usually use often, Aasha was excited.

Since she’s been sticking by my side lately, staying only in the office, so it’s not strange for her to be this excited.

“Okay-!!”

Seeing that, I also get excited and run. As she, who was like a small dot, got close enough that her face could be seen –

Thwack!

A snowball flew.

“Hahahaha!! You got hit by that?”

Her mocking laughter heard at the same time.

Between the snowballs obscuring my vision, I could see Aasha holding her stomach and laughing heartily.

A pure laughter without any other emotion mixed in, made me also chuckle.

I pack snow and throw it at Aasha. The snowball hit Aasha’s arm directly.

And so, we had a snowball fight like children.

Like in the time when we knew nothing.

Like in childhood, when we believed the future would be full of happiness,

Aasha and I threw snowballs and laughed heartily.

How long did we exchange blows like that?

Only when our clothes were tinged with a dark color and the shadows beneath our feet grew long did the snowball fight end.

Having used considerable energy, Aasha sat next to me, gasping for breath.

“I lost, I lost….. Huwaah…. You wicked fellow….”

“See, who told you to mess around?”

Tap!

“Ow!”

Even though I didn’t hit that hard, Aasha screamed as if it was so painful.

More playfulness entered me at the sight, and I poked her here and there.

Aasha also hit me here and there in response, but it was just ticklish.

Rather, when she hit me like she was massaging me, it felt even better.

“Eek! Eek…!”

She huffed and puffed when her punches didn’t work, then swung her fist wide, intending to land a blow.

Whoosh!

“Oh….!”

But pitilessly, at my slight movement, her fist cut through the air, and

With the punch thrown with her weight behind it, Aasha slowly fell forward, and

Thump

“Be careful, Aasha.”

As a result, she ended up in my arms.

“Let go of me!”

“What are you talking about? Aasha was the one who hugged me first.”

“Let go quickly!”

Even though she says that, her resistance is merely tapping my shoulder; that’s all, so she must want to be held inside.

While respecting her wishes, I got a little annoyed at her for continuously swinging her fists, and gently tickled her side.

“Ahahaha!!” Misha…. Stoop it-!!! I’m sorry…. Ahahaha!!! Sorry!!”

Aasha struggled a bit against my tickling, then immediately raised the white flag.

But a wicked thought suddenly occurred to me, and only after she surrendered a few more times did I stop my hand movements.

“You wicked fellow!”

Although a little bit of tears had gathered as if she was suffering, when I offered an apology, she forgave me and continued to be held in my arms.

As we held each other, I could feel Aasha’s heart beating.

Thump thump thump thump

At her heart beating even more fiercely today, mine also sped up in tow.

Our gazes crossed in the air.

As if possessed, we stared intently at each other.

Then little by little, she drew closer.

Her slightly flushed cheeks, perhaps due to the cold season, her hazy, unfocused eyes.

She lightly tapped my lips as if knocking. When I responded, the intruder entered instantly and ravaged within.

A different kiss than before. The first kiss she initiated.

Her who rushed in without a shred of hesitation, I received with my whole body.

Craving each other’s breath, exploring each other’s mouths.

Scattering our hot breaths into the cold air, savoring each other.

“Hah…. Euh….”

“Aasha…. Haa….”

Aasha, who was embarrassed even though she started it, was lovely.

She who colored her cheeks and ears red from embarrassment was cute.

Although we’ve clearly been together for over 15 years, every day we spend together, I get to know a new her.

This must be love. No, it is certainly love.

Having fallen into such a state of ecstasy, how could this not be love?

Our lips separated for a moment. If it were before, I would have rested for a moment and continued the kiss, but I chose a different action.

I knelt before her and took out the ring case from my pocket.

“Aasha.”

And revealed my true feelings that I had hidden until now.

“I love you.”

Ah- what a sweet tremor. Confessing love for the first time was truly ecstatic.

“I’ve loved you since the moment I first saw you.”

Your messily cut hair. Your knees with scabs and bruises. You, who were unmistakably in the form of a boy, you who were not at all womanly, I love you.

“Please spend the rest of your life with me.”

I want to sleep in the same bed as her, and when we wake up from sleep, I want to greet the morning with a kiss.

Whether there are difficult or joyful things, sharing them with her, I want to share joys, angers, sorrows, and pleasures together.

Holding children who share our blood, I hope to spend a happy day.

I want to share everything of mine with you. I want to have everything of yours.

So please… please…

Be honest with your heart.

But despite my confession, which became meaningless, she trembled and stepped back.

Confusion, fear, disgust, anger, all sorts of negative emotions were revealed on her expression.

And then she ran away.

As if she had seen something she shouldn’t have seen.

Refusing my marriage proposal.

Why…?

Why.

Why?