episode_0035

Warning: Gore scene at the beginning. Those who cannot view gore scenes, please refer to the postscript written in the author’s notes.

Age 3.

The age where the ego of a child and the ego of my past life were mixed.

As my ego as a man had not fully awakened yet, I was growing my hair long and wearing a pretty dress.

Holding a doll given to me by the wet nurse in one hand, I was toddling somewhere.

Where I ran, busily moving my tiny feet, stood a man wearing a glittering golden crown.

The sparkling appearance, decorated with all sorts of jewels, was enough to captivate me, who still had a young ego.

Gazing at the crown shining brightly with the chandelier light, I didn’t notice the man approaching me.

The man lifted me up and embraced me tightly, while I was absentmindedly gazing at the crown.

“My Asha! What brings you to this father?”

Rubbing his bushy beard against my cheek, Father showed me affection.

“I don’t wanna!”

When I, the young me, expressed displeasure, Father immediately made a face and soothed me.

I instantly changed my expression and smiled brightly, giggling ‘hehe’.

Father would always rain kisses on me when I smiled.

That is, until just before I burst into tears.

“Waaaah.”

“Oh dear, my cute Asha, stop it now, okay?”

Unfitting for his stern face and large physique, Father would even make funny faces to soothe me.

It was something that repeated always, like a daily routine. The young me regarded it as one of the common senses, like feeling full after eating.

It must be my fondest childhood memory.

Having stopped crying somehow, I whined for Father to let me down.

“Let me down! Daddy, let me down!”

Tight grip

But Father didn’t let me down as usual.

No, rather, he hugged me tightly. As if to crush me to death.

At the same time, the surrounding atmosphere changed in an instant.

Not a warm hallway where afternoon sunlight fell, but into a chilly and terrifying atmosphere that made the fine hairs stand on end.

Blood began to flow from Father’s head. Thick red blood flowed down in lines, starting to stain my dress little by little, drop by drop.

“Did you like *him* that much?”

Father raised his head and stared at me. His brilliant golden eyes were gone, and only two empty eyes welcomed me.

“So much that you would betray this father and leave?”

My body began to tremble. My skin was already covered in goosebumps, and tears of fear began to flow from my eyes little by little.

“Did you like *him* that much? Huh? Asha, you have to answer. You have to tell the father who cherished you so much.”

“Ah… *hic* no…. *hic*”

Streaming, streaming

The blood that was flowing drop by drop soon began to flow enough to cover his face.

At the same time, Father’s neck began to be severed little by little.

Unable even to answer, I stared at my father, hiccuping in fear.

“Did you hate this father so much? Did you hate me, who allowed you pants and swordsmanship, annulled the political marriage, saved the enemy’s son, allowed you to learn swordsmanship, and acknowledged your achievements?”

“Ah…… no…. ah….”

Father’s neck was severed to the point where the bone was exposed, streaming with blood.

With trembling hands, I barely managed to cover my eyes.

No. No. This isn’t reality. Father isn’t dead yet. No. No!

“Of course, this isn’t reality. But”

Father took my hand and lowered it, showing me his neck.

“it’s not not a future event either. Asha, don’t you know? The end of this war?”

“Sob….. sobs…. sobs…..”

I was completely gripped by fear and could only watch the moment my father’s neck was severed, shedding tears.

“My beloved daughter”

Severed

Father’s neck was completely severed. Blood spurted out as if exploding, drenching my face. Father’s head fell off. As the head rolled on the floor, my father’s nose and skin were crushed. As flies swarmed and my father’s flesh decayed and maggots proliferated and a putrid smell permeated and the body holding me slowly decayed-

“Aaaaargh-!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I woke up from sleep, drenched in cold sweat all over my body. I opened my eyes and looked around, but could only see someone’s body.

I tried to move, but someone was holding me tightly, preventing me from moving.

I struggled, trying to break free from the restraint. Then, the restraint was released, and I instantly became free.

“Hngh…. sob…. sobs…..”

“Asha? What’s wrong!? Are you okay!?”

Mihail came into my blurry vision. Mihail’s voice was thick with sleep, as if he had just woken up.

“Ah… sob… Father… Father… sob…. sob….”

Tears came out. My body trembled. That nightmare, that terrible nightmare, was tormenting me.

“Asha, calm down. It’s okay.”

Mihail hugged me, who was trembling in fear, and patted my back.

Pat, pat

“Sob…. sobs…. sobs…. sob…..”

I cried in Mihail’s arms. The severing of my father’s neck was so vivid it felt like it had really happened.

Mihail just quietly held me like this and patted my back.

Only as the pre-dawn gloom receded and the bright light of dawn broke did I manage to calm down.

But I was still in Mihail’s arms.

Even if it was the embrace of a creepy, disgusting male scum.

This warmth was what I desperately needed.

I rationalized it that way and continued to stay in his embrace.

—

“I must be crazy. Crazy.”

As the torrent of emotions subsided, what came over me was shame.

Have I truly gone mad?

How can I cry and whine in a man’s arms?

Cut off my dick. Oh, I don’t have one already.

Fuck.

Today, more than ever, I desperately missed the partner who had passed away some 20 years ago.

The reason I, a real man, acted like a sissy is all because of female hormones. If you give me male hormones, I’ll immediately become a total alpha male…..

‘What kind of bullshit is that?’

“Let’s just focus again. Focus!”

Grasping my mind that was about to wander off-topic, I focused on work again.

But it was difficult to focus easily because of what happened that night.

The number of typos was countless. I eventually lay down on the cot intending to take a short break.

Creak-

The creaking sound I wouldn’t usually mind was particularly grating today.

‘….. Mihail’s bed is better, I guess.’

Well, how could the quality of the bed used by the leader be the same as the bed used by me, who is no different from a hostage?

Just having a bed is something to be grateful for.

I forced myself to close my eyes and try to sleep. But sleepiness didn’t come at all.

Knock, knock

Just as I was getting up to find a book, thinking it would be better to read instead, I heard a knock.

“Who is it?”

“Asha, it’s me.”

“Come in.”

Creak. The door opened, and Mihail came in. He looked quite neat, unlike how he looked in the morning, as if he had washed up.

“What is it?”

“There’s a festival opening tomorrow at Panzhika Square, would you like to go together?”

“A festival? Isn’t there still a civil war going on?”

Even if the war situation is good, isn’t a festival a bit much? In this situation?

“It’s partly because a holiday coincides, and also because we recently won the Battle of Kazakh. They’re opening it to commemorate that as well.”

Ah, I see. Indeed, there’s nothing like a festival for winning over public sentiment.

The war situation has been good lately, too.

Hmm, come to think of it, it’s already been over half a year since I last went to a festival.

When I was at the palace, I would often be absent, claiming to be sick, because I was busy planning escape routes and raising funds,

and now, with the civil war in full swing and having made myself unpopular everywhere, I haven’t been able to go to parties or anything like that.

It piqued my interest, but there were a few suspicious points.

“You’re not going with your ex-girlfriend….? You said you wanted to get back together, isn’t this the chance?”

“Ah….. She’s already found another man as a partner. It would be a bit awkward for me to go alone without a woman.”

Hmm, that’s true. My ex brought a guy, and I’m alone? I can’t stand that, you know.

“And if I go with another woman, it might cause trouble later. There’s no woman who has less ulterior motives towards me than you, right?”

“That’s true.”

“Besides, this is a chance to quell other people’s suspicions as well.”

Everything he said, from beginning to end, was right. Well, I can enjoy the festival after a long time, and he can make his ex-girlfriend jealous.

This is a total win-win situation.

“Okay, let’s go together.”

The hesitation wasn’t long. Why would I kick away an opportunity where we can both benefit?

“No backing out. Don’t try to get out of it by making excuses tomorrow.”

“Okay, okay. Just leave quickly. So I can get back to work.”

Chasing away Mihail who was needlessly worrying, I went back to work.

Work progressed very smoothly.