episode_0021

My mother began to become more obsessed with learning.

Workbooks full of higher level questions and a cram school schedule that required you to take a nap.

It wasn’t actually that difficult because it was a lower level academy than the one I went to before.

However, perhaps because the quality of education was low, the frequency of correct answers gradually decreased when solving problems.

“You stupid bastard! Do you think it makes sense that you can’t solve even one thing like this? Do you know how much money you spend per month?”

Whenever I got a question wrong, my mother would always gossip and spank me.

On days like that, he would drink until dawn, then hug me and cry.

When my mother’s smiling face gradually dispersed like smoke, I wanted to see that smile again.

While I was living with a wish that could not come true, when I turned 13, my mother’s birthday approached.

That day, I took out a pitch black pencil and drew on drawing paper the smiling image of my mother in my memory.

Is it because I got a little older over the years, or is it because I secretly drew in my notebook?

My drawing skills have improved compared to before, and I completed the painting with a smile on my face at the satisfactory result.

“Mom…this…is a gift”

“…”

Mom looked at the drawing paper I gave her and said nothing for a while.

The hand holding the drawing paper trembled, and my mother suddenly tore the drawing gift I gave her into pieces and scattered them in the air.

“You… Is this why you keep getting the questions wrong?”

“…”

“If you have time to draw something like this, solve at least one more problem! Go to your room quickly! Come on!”

My mother pushed me into the room and for the first time I felt my heart breaking.

One part of my chest feels strange and it’s hard to breathe.

I quietly entered the room and, without thinking, filled in the black circles in the question section of the workbook.

“This…”

When the black circles filled the page, my mother came to my room holding fruit.

“Do it while eating…”

He spoke carefully and placed the fruit on the desk.

When I was surprised by this unexpected event, my mother hugged me carefully from behind and sobbed.

“My son…is special…so he won’t betray his mom…? Are you going to live up to your mother’s expectations?”

“Yes…”

I always had to answer that question in the affirmative.

When I answered in the affirmative, my mother smiled a little.

As time passed and I was 18 years old and a high school student, my mother’s madness became too much to bear and she began to gradually become a crazy person.

One day, my mother told me that it was a pill that made me feel better and that she had gotten it from an acquaintance of mine who my father had previously known.

My mother forced me to continuously take medicine with strange ingredients that I had never heard of.

I was skeptical, but when I took the pill, I was able to concentrate well enough to feel strange, and my problem-solving speed and concentration increased dramatically.

As I took the pill, strange side effects began to occur in my body.

I couldn’t control my emotions, I became sensitive, and it was difficult to see any further effects from the medication.

It was only then that I realized something was wrong, and on days when my mother gave me medicine, I secretly flushed the medicine down the toilet.

As I was solving the problem, I could hear my mother’s strange laughter and groans coming from the back of the room.

Whenever I went to the kitchen to eat, my mother would lay down with her head on the desk and just smile.

My mother’s face, which had never had a smile, has been filled with smiles these past few months.

A few months later, we moved out of our apartment into a smaller, cheaper rental house.

The brutal academy schedule has also been reduced, and students have now moved to low-quality neighborhood academies that teach important subjects that have no real meaning.

“Are you here…”

Whenever I came home, day or night, my mother was always drunk.

The strength in his body gradually diminished, and his arms became withered and thin like tree branches.

“I saw the mock test results…”

“…”

I didn’t say anything.

My mother smiled and sighed as if she was tired of discipline, and threw the soju bottle she was holding at me.

The green soju bottle hit the wall and shattered. The fragments spread out in all directions and passed by my left cheek.

Looking at the shards of glass scattered on the floor, I could tell that something in my heart was breaking as well.

“Why! Why on earth! Why do my grades get worse the longer I go? Is this why you can go to medical school? He has to take the college entrance exam soon! Do you really have a mind?”

Education at schools and academies also had limitations.

Compared to what I already knew, the things my mother demanded from me were infinitely higher.

I wasn’t the only child named Youngjae, and I wasn’t the only one who was special.

Even if you find a rock on the street and it looks prettier than others, its essence does not change.

It’s just an insignificant street rock.

As I grew older, I gradually realized that I was just an ordinary child after all.

Kids with money got higher education, and it was hard for me to close the gap.

It was then that I realized that I was limited.

It was only then that I realized that I was just an ordinary human being like other people.

When I found out about that fact, for the first time, a feeling of anger began to stir in my heart.

The feeling of anger gradually swelled like a water balloon filled with water, until it reached its limit and burst.

“Fuck!!”

When I threw the bag I was carrying on the floor, countless books poured out of it.

For the first time, I swore and rebelled against my mother. My mother also looked quite surprised and flinched.

I couldn’t control this feeling for the first time in my life, so I ended up shedding tears that I had been holding back.

The tears welled up all at once like a volcano exploding.

“Do you think I don’t work hard? Don’t you know that I’m trying to make what my mom wants so much come true? I… sleep 2 hours a day… at school, at home, at school, at home! I’ve been doing that for 8 years and that’s it. What on earth can I do anymore?”

“You…”

My mother glared at me with trembling eyes.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle what happened after this, but I bit my dry mouth and glared at my mother, telling her to do whatever she wanted.

“Why do I have to live up to my mother’s expectations?”

From the inflated and burst water balloon, the dark and ugly emotions that had been filled with it for so long came out.

“Do you know that those damn expectations are strangling my neck! Now I don’t even know what I want to do…Why do I have to avenge my dad? Is becoming a doctor revenge? Isn’t it for your mother’s selfish greed?”

I sneered meanly as I looked at my mother who said nothing.

“Okay, let’s say you went to medical school. Do you have money to pay tuition? Look at our situation now… I’m sick and tired of this fishy garbage smell and ramen… If only my mother hadn’t spent all of her child support and settlement money on those cram schools and strange drugs!”

I let out a rough breath and ended the last sentence.

There were still a lot of things I wanted to say, but for some reason they didn’t come out.

The more I spoke, the more my heart ached again.

My mother didn’t say anything and just shed tears, like she was dumb.

Strangely, I no longer felt anything when I saw that sight.

I just walked into my small room and locked the door.

I felt refreshed.

There was nothing more reassuring than this as I confessed all my feelings.

I closed my eyes and promised myself that I would no longer fulfill my mother’s wishes, and although it was too late, I would live my own life from now on.

Maybe it was because I couldn’t sleep normally, but I fell into such a deep sleep that I couldn’t even remember what happened.

After taking a nap, it was already late at night, and I opened my eyes and looked at the moonlight coming in through the window of my room.

The moon floating alone and lonely without any stars around it looked just like me.

When holding the door handle to go to the bathroom due to menstrual symptoms

I felt reluctant that my mother would be outside and that I would encounter her, but I thought I didn’t have to worry about it anymore, so I hesitated a little and opened the door.

pitch black darkness

There was no mother to drink in the living room all the time, and no signs of being popular were heard.

However, strangely enough, the kitchen and living room, which should have been full of trash, were cleaner than before and gave off an unusually delicious smell.

I walked into the kitchen when I saw something unfamiliar.

As my vision became a little brighter due to dark adaptation, I noticed that the kitchen table was covered with newspaper.

“What is it…?”

I tilt my head and remove the newspaper from the table.

I was surprised to see a warm meal filled with the sincerity of someone I had never seen before.

As I turned my head and checked my surroundings to see what was going on, I saw that the bathroom light was on.

I heard the sound of water hitting the tiles in the bathroom, and I thought my mother was washing up, but I didn’t hear any signs of being inside and I saw that the door was slightly open.

When I looked at the bathtub visible through the gap in the door

“Mom…Mom?”

Her white skin was swollen and chapped due to how much she had been soaking in the water in the bathtub.

A limp arm, dozens of needle marks and bruises visible above it, and a deep scar visible on the wrist below it.

Blood continued to flow from the deep wound, and the water in the bathtub mixed with blood turned bright red.

“Mom! Mom!”

I quickly opened the bathroom door and pulled my mother up.

No matter how much I call, there is no answer.

I couldn’t come to my senses as my heart pounded as if it was going to explode and I was shaking from blood I had never seen before.

At that time, I saw the corner of my mother’s eyes twitch slightly.

“Mom!”

When I quickly put my ear to my mother’s chest, I could hear a faint pulse.

After continuing to look around, I grabbed a towel from the stand and began to apply pressure to the wrist that had been deeply cut with a knife to stop the bleeding.

“Uh, what should I do…what should I do…what should I do…”

My eyes got hot and tears poured out.

Why did this situation come about? Is it because I rebelled against my mother? Or because you’re angry?

Could it be that this situation happened because you were honest about your feelings?

Quickly get your cell phone and call 119 first.

As I was receiving the response that they would respond quickly to my report, my mother’s trembling arm grabbed my hand.

Surprised by that sight, I quickly grabbed my mother’s hand and she moved her dry lips slightly.

Since I couldn’t hear properly, I put my ear to my mouth to hear what my mother was trying to say.

“To you…”

Horrible words that cannot be contained flow from that small mouth.

“I was an idiot for expecting you.”

My head feels cold.

It’s not so cold that it becomes chilly.

My agitated mind became quiet, and there was only silence.

Until the end, this person says harsh things to me.

Ilman’s remaining sympathy for the fact that he thought of me as just a tool until the end eventually turned into hatred.

I abandoned my mother and ran out of the house, running until I was out of breath.

It didn’t matter if I was out of breath.

I just wanted to suffocate and die like this.

At night, the sound of sirens ringing in the neighborhood made me run away.

How crazy was it?

After dawn, as the bright morning sun rises, I arrive at a park after wandering aimlessly.

I sat on the bench there.

Just when I was trying to wipe away the tears that were pouring down, my phone rang.

When I answered the phone, I heard a voice I had never heard on the other end of the phone.

“Are you a guardian…?”

Thanks to the help of the emergency personnel, my mother was quickly taken to the hospital and seemed to receive treatment.

I heard that it could have been dangerous if it had been a little later, but now that he has stabilized, he has been discharged safely.

Hearing that, strangely enough, made me feel relieved.

I was obviously filled with feelings of hatred, but as time passed and I heard that my mother was safe, I was overjoyed.

There must have been some misunderstanding.

My mother became like that because I said that.

It’s my fault for hurting my mother.

All I have left now is my mother.

If I just become a good child who listens to my mother without saying anything, that won’t happen anymore.

Let’s talk again, I thought, and walked home again.

When I arrived home again, holding on to my shaking legs, I hesitated in front of the door and walked around in circles.

I thought about what to say, and when I had organized my thoughts, I turned the door handle with trembling hands.

-mom!

What I faced when I opened the door

It was a limp woman hanging by a rope with the smile I loved the most.