Kim Ji-hye (5)

In the car heading home.

To be exact, I’m sitting in a high-speed train, chin propped on my hand, gazing out the window.

The train is moving so fast that the trees are just streaks of afterimages.

Normally, I’d be thrilled by this speed and eager to get home, but not now.

,What… what should I say when I get home?”

,Well…?”

Even Ji-hye hesitated at my words, expressing doubt.

It was a topic so difficult to broach, let alone speak of easily, that it was impossible to decide what to say.

Who would have the guts to go home and say, ‘I got your sister pregnant…’?

Maybe someone could say it. But I think that’s closer to recklessness than courage.

,If I say I got your sister pregnant and I’m going to marry her, won’t I get beaten to death?”

,It would be a relief if you just got beaten to death. I don’t want to see anyone die next to me, so don’t do that.”

,Then what do I say? No matter how I beat around the bush, the conclusion is the same, so my chances of dying are guaranteed.”

I leaned back in my seat with a troubled expression.

Even the usually sharp-witted Ji-hye was struggling with this difficult problem, unable to come up with an answer.

An answer would pop into my head, but when I thought about the ending, it would be erased, and I’d start from scratch.

There is no answer. Nor is there a compromise, a middle ground.

No matter how confidently I went and told them, the aftermath that would follow made it hard to find the courage.

Even if incestuous marriage became legal, I wasn’t great enough to break the perception.

I wish some great person somewhere would announce they were marrying their sister, so even if the social image was ruined, the perception would change at least a little?

,Even if death is certain, you have to say something. Isn’t it better than secretly getting married, getting caught, and being kicked out of the house?”

,My body is going home, but inside I want to jump off right now and go down…”

,Where did the confident Oppa go, and why is there only this weak man left?”

,…Do you want to say it?”

,No.”

She cuts off my question with a laugh.

It’s a different matter from confidence and courage, so I think it’s normal for her to do this.

But, no matter how I think about it, all I can say is that I’m going to marry Ji-hye.

Even these few simple words are hard to say.

Because of that one fear that I’m really going to die.

The more I think about it, the more I feel the fear and pressure of that situation.

Just sitting still, head down, receiving only gazes, and feeling like I’m going to die.

The feeling I had when I skipped hagwon as a kid and went to the PC bang, and then got caught and scolded at home.

Before I knew it, a sigh escaped my lips.

,…I’m going to die because these few words are so difficult.”

,No matter how you say it…”

She grabbed my arm and pulled me slightly.

,I’ll be by your side.”

Normally, those words would have reassured me, but not this time.

To be honest, that statement put even more pressure on me, and even though I smiled, a sigh escaped.

Can I really say it and come back alive?

Regardless of my worries, the train was quickly approaching the terminal.

–

There was no one at the house, even though I had contacted them in advance.

I guess they just thought I was coming home to rest, because the only message on KakaoTalk was that they’d be back in the evening.

My anxiety grew as my mother didn’t even read my message, let alone reply to my request for her to come home soon.

Even though I leaned back on the sofa and stared blankly at the ceiling to pass the time, the time of suffering didn’t pass quickly.

It felt like an hour had passed, but only 10 minutes had gone by, and no matter what I did, I just felt restless.

Even though Ji-hye leaned on my shoulder and fell asleep, I was still burning up inside.

‘…’

I couldn’t even come up with a simple answer to the same questions: What should I do? What should I do?

Maybe it’s because it’s a situation where I have to convince them rather than just solve it.

Whether it’s Mom or both of them, the only thing I’ll end up saying is that Ji-hye is pregnant and we’re going to get married.

If they knew this fact and were waiting, I could endure and end it in a hellish atmosphere of silence.

But this time, waiting for my parents to come home late, not knowing what their purpose is, was so painful.

Even just lying down and breathing, every minute and every second was suffocating.

Ji-hye, hearing my rough breathing, woke up with a loud stretch.

,Eueuheueu….eum…”

She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and looked at me, her expression quickly hardening.

,Are you suffering alone again?”

It was a direct hit.

,…Yeah.”

,I won’t tell you not to worry, but at least do it together?”

,You want me to worry with you? This is more of my problem, isn’t it?”

,Anyone would think Oppa is getting married alone.”

,Suddenly? What are you talking about?”

She stared at me intently, then leaned back on my shoulder.

,Oppa and I are getting married, not just Oppa, right?”

,That’s right. Why, are you telling me to get married alone?”

,That’s not it. I’m going to marry you, so why are you worrying alone?”

,Huh?”

I was speechless for a moment at Ji-hye’s sudden words.

,What will we become when we get married?”

,A married couple.”

,That’s right, a married couple. Will a married couple share things when they have problems?”

,They’ll share, right?”

,Right, so even if we’re not married yet, are we half a married couple?”

,That’s right…?”

I frowned at the hand pinching my cheek.

But my head wasn’t really that complex, as my body told me, and it didn’t hurt much.

It was only a light pain, like getting flicked on the forehead.

,Let go of my cheek and talk.”

,No, you need to be scolded this time.”

,What did I do to get scolded?”

,Why do you keep doing it alone? Can’t you think together?”

,Is this something that can be solved by thinking about it together?”

,It is. At least it’ll be much better than suffering alone, right?”

It’s not that I don’t believe her.

It’s closer to my greed that I don’t want to pass the burden on to a pregnant woman.

My own greed that I want to solve this much myself.

,I don’t want to pass such a problem on to a pregnant woman. It’s not good for your body.”

,Your suffering like this is worse for my body.”

,…Can’t I try to do this alone this time?”

,No. I’ll get sick if you keep suffering like that.”

I guess it was obvious.

If she’s saying it so openly, it means it was so obvious that I was doing it on purpose.

Does that mean my expressions were that obvious?

Normally, I would have asked Ji-hye for help at times like this, but not today.

,…No, really, don’t help me this time.”

,I don’t want to, what good is it for me to watch you suffer and tell you not to help me?”

,Kim Ji-hye.”

I grabbed both her shoulders and looked her straight in the eye.

Yeah, I would have been the guy who would have agreed here in the past.

But that was the past, and it’s different now.

Now, a guy who came to get permission to marry is getting permission with his wife’s help?

Where did his sense of responsibility go, getting help from his wife?

What crazy bastard gets permission to marry with his wife’s help?

Even if I can’t support her, I’m the one who has to take responsibility, but I’m getting help irresponsibly because I can’t even get permission?

,Uh, uh?”

She stuttered, startled by my actions.

,No, I really have to do this alone this time. Just trust me and wait this one time.”

,Why are you saying you’re going to do it alone? If we just talk together and get permission…”

,If you were me, would you trust a guy who’s getting married if he gets permission with help?”

,Are you going to be stubborn about that and get scolded? Just give in…”

,No! This isn’t about pride, it’s like a minimum condition.”

Normally, Ji-hye should have nagged me at this timing.

Saying things like don’t be stubborn, haven’t you given up your pride yet.

This time it wasn’t about pride.

It’s closer to my minimum condition to get a relationship that isn’t welcome.

They’ll be furious just hearing that siblings are getting married, and their unreliable son is talking about getting married?

If I were them, I would have hit him on the head and told him to get lost.

,But if we talk together… it’ll be easier to get permission…”

,No, no. If you were me, would you let us get married if we’re not welcome and unreliable?”

A moment of silence passed.

Many conversations were exchanged in the eyes facing each other without speaking.

I believed that Ji-hye would understand my words more easily because she wasn’t stupid.

,So you’re going to get permission alone?”

,Yeah, do you think Mom would give us permission if I don’t at least show that I’m taking responsibility? I have to get this, it’s not something you can get by helping me.”

,…Okay. I’ll really wait without interfering this time, just don’t fail.”

,I’ll get permission even if I get beaten to death. Trust me one last time.”

Eventually, she nodded and agreed.

Her expression was full of worry, but I kissed her forehead to ease that expression.

Chuk-

,Don’t do things like this at times like this.”

,Trust me and wait. I won’t die… but it’s meaningless if I don’t get permission anyway.”

Once I made a bold decision, the worries I had until just now disappeared in an instant.

Unfounded courage welled up, and I felt like I could get permission by bowing my head and begging right away.

,Don’t worry and sit next to me and wait…”

Bbeep-bbeepbbeepbbeep

Bbibibic- Keolkeong

I smiled slightly at Ji-hye and opened my mouth confidently, but turned my head immediately at the sound of the door opening.

Only Mom came in. But as the saying goes, a thief is scared of their own shadow?

,Oh, Mom… long time no see…”

The courage that had just bloomed quickly faded, and I met Mom’s eyes with the heart of a mouse in front of a cat.

Mom greeted me with a happy face, but my expression was not the same. Knowing that I wasn’t innocent, my expression was even more hardened.