Episode 125. Karma (6)

Tuk-

‘It’s okay.’

Tuk-

‘It’s not.’

Tuk-

‘It’s okay.’

Tuk-

‘It’s not.’

Hwik-

All the petals had fallen from the flower outside the window, so I threw the bare stem away. This time, the count was just unlucky. From the bunch of flowers I had picked earlier, I grabbed another one and started tearing off the petals one by one.

Tuk-

‘It’s okay.’

…

…

Tuk-

‘It’s not.’

Tuk-

‘It’s okay.’

“Heu-heut.”

I knew very well that this was a meaningless act, but if I didn’t do something, the anxiety in my heart would only grow. Edward-nim’s attitude seemed like he didn’t care about me at all. I kept seeing Monica-ssi, who he used to clearly dislike and even told me to take, and how close they had become, feeding each other and flaunting their marital relationship.

‘It was always going to be like this…’

No matter what anyone said, Edward-nim and Monica-ssi were the ones who had formed a marital bond. Monica-ssi, who accepted the ring he offered with a happy expression in a place where everyone blessed them. It was strange that he had disliked Monica-ssi, who had big breasts and resembled his favorite mother, until now.

I looked at my clean, empty finger. Vera-ssi and Monica-ssi both had rings, but I didn’t. Maybe it was a foregone conclusion since I hadn’t received any token from him. The cold autumn wind came in through the open window, but I didn’t feel anything because my heart was even colder.

‘…He said cold wind isn’t good.’

Still, thinking of the only trace he had left, the child in my womb, I tried to close the wooden window. If I hadn’t heard footsteps approaching.

‘Who is it at this hour…’

It was a night with a bright moon, but it was still late. In my daze, staring out the window, I saw a figure walking along the path leading from the castle. The path that only I used, and that one man barely used anymore, was now being trod by someone else’s feet. The only person who would come at this hour….

‘Could it, could it be… Edward-nim…?’

Judging from the figure I could vaguely see, the gait and build were that of a man, not a woman. Winnie-yang’s mood suddenly lifted as she became convinced that it was him. I could tell it was him just by his footsteps, just by seeing him from afar. Edward-nim, who I had been thinking about all day, for the past few days.

“…Ah… E… Euh-heum, heum.”

I cleared my throat, which had become hoarse from not talking to anyone. I couldn’t face my beloved with such a cracked voice. I hadn’t done anything pretty, but I had to look as pretty as possible to avoid being hated. Erasing all other possibilities from my mind, Winnie-yang, convinced that it was Edward-nim, frantically began to check her appearance. Once a glimmer of hope appeared, all other negative thoughts disappeared without a trace.

‘What a mess I am…’

The room was in a complete mess, and my appearance was a disaster. I quickly cleaned the room and changed out of the roughly thrown-on pajamas into clean new clothes. It was a dress that Vera-ssi had given me recently, and the fabric around the chest area was barely enough, as if it had been made for me.

I tied my disheveled hair, which was sticking out every which way, into pigtails as usual, and lightly put on makeup too…. No, let’s not do makeup. If I, who had barely done makeup a few times, tried it and ended up looking like a daughter playing with her mother’s cosmetics, it would be a problem. …Maybe I could use it if the goal was to be funny?

While I was making such a fuss, his figure, which had been visible through the window, disappeared. From this side, Yulstein Castle is usually clearly visible, but the gate of Melbourne Manor, where I live, is not. But even if I can’t see it, I can guess. How many times have I watched him come through this window? Soon he will open the gate, and, reducing his footsteps so as not to wake me, he will come to my room. And he will gently come into the bed next to me, who is lying asleep, and hold me in his broad arms….

‘…Should I pretend to be asleep?’

No, it’s different from usual now. I can’t let him not see his face because I’m pretending to be asleep. If he’s still angry… I doubt he’ll treat me like usual. So, Winnie-yang, having tidied herself up in her own way, sat on the bed and waited for him.

Kongdak. Kongdak.

How many times had my heart beat?

‘He’ll be here soon.’

Winnie-yang timed it with her pounding heart. And even after the time she had guessed, the sound of the door opening was not heard.

‘…It’ll open soon.’

Kkieeik-

It will open with a creak. As it always has. But even after waiting as long as she waited, the sound of the old gate hinges of the manor, which had been passed down for generations, creaking was not heard.

‘…Is it someone else?’

No, that can’t be. How many people would use that path, and even come to her house at this hour? It wasn’t that she didn’t feel like she had jumped to conclusions too quickly, but judging from various circumstances, the possibility that it wasn’t Edward-nim was much lower.

Then why isn’t he coming in? Is the door locked? No, it’s not. What is he waiting for? What? Or is he not coming to see her? But there’s nothing here but her house?

I couldn’t guess why he was doing that. Could it be that he doesn’t want to see her very much? Could it be, could it really be?

What if that’s really the case?

Hey, it can’t be.

He might have come to tell her that they can’t meet anymore, that he hates someone like her so much that he doesn’t want to see her.

‘No, that can’t be.’

I covered his trace in my womb with my hand. My lower abdomen, which had become slightly firmer, was definitely more protruding than before, though not by much.

‘I have a child…’

Edward-nim’s face, who was happy to hear the news of the pregnancy, came to mind, but the thought that he might find the child even more annoying soon filled my head.

Chak, chak.

I lightly slapped my cheeks with both hands. Let’s get a grip. Just imagining things like this alone won’t make anything certain. Just because she’s scared and stays inside doesn’t mean she can read Edward-nim’s mind.

‘It’s not like there’s no way…’

It might be more accurate than the flower petal fortune-telling I was doing earlier, but doing such things in this state of mind is all for self-satisfaction, for self-consolation. Extremely nervous, she made a resolution and stepped out of her room. If Edward-nim doesn’t come, she has to go.

Teo-beok teo-beok.

The sound of the slippers hitting the floor felt like thunder. The desire to know his heart for sure, and the desire not to know his heart in case she wasn’t included in that heart. Beyond all that, I just wanted to see him. Without being conscious of anyone’s eyes, I wanted to run and bury my face in his arms and feel his scent after a long time.

“Haa… Haa….”

Thinking that it was unnecessarily large and inconvenient to live in alone, Winnie-yang opened the front door leading outside. Hwiing- A biting wind brushed past her. I regretted for a moment that I should have worn an outfit for going out instead of pajamas, but I didn’t want to postpone it with such an excuse after coming this far. Now all that remained was the gate that separated her territory from the outside.

“Huwoo….”

Winnie-yang took a deep breath. I was too nervous to see his face. I just had to take one more step.

“Aeu….”

I can’t go. Losing strength, she leaned against the door. And the sturdy gate, perhaps because it wasn’t locked, couldn’t withstand the weight of her body and opened a gap.

“…!”

I almost fell over. I barely grabbed the door and regained my balance, but my head was already out through the gap. And outside, Winnie-yang saw the person she had been waiting for. A person I could recognize just by looking at his back. His figure, smoking a cigarette in front of her house.

“E, Edward-nim….”

And to Winnie-yang, it felt like the vaguely felt anxiety was becoming a reality.

Why is he smoking here of all places? In front of her house? The cigarette that he had promised her not to smoke, in front of her house? It was as if he was saying that he had no intention of keeping his promise to her anymore, and that she should understand appropriately. The smell of cigarette smoke, piercing her nostrils, became a sharp spear and stabbed her heart.

“Winnie.”

As soon as I reflexively called his name, he called my name. But his expression looked so calm that Winnie-yang couldn’t bear to hear what he would say next.

“Heuk… Heueueuk….”

I didn’t want to cry. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing on their own. Edward-nim’s figure, approaching as if to say something, became blurry. I slammed the door shut and hid behind it.