Ruchellini (5)

Looking back, my emotions became particularly diverse about five days ago. Until then, I was aloof and curt… but now I laugh often at trivial things. The me who was bored with life and seriously contemplating suicide had vanished without a trace, leaving only an ordinary girl.

Is it because of the pregnancy? There are various symptoms that appear in pregnant women, but there was one symptom that I felt most intensely. Emotional swings. It’s said that pregnancy causes severe mood swings. The way I trembled hideously at the baptismal site, and then burst into laughter as if nothing had happened once I calmed down, all of it. It was both a divine punishment and a blessing bestowed upon one who fearlessly carried life.

I stroke my belly, which isn’t showing yet, and think. Because I was someone who couldn’t feel anything unless I threw myself into it. It might be hitting me even harder. Making me laugh and cry at trivial things, and imprinting the value of life on a body that had no meaning other than destruction and pain, my precious child. I didn’t show it outwardly, but I was extremely excited.

Of course. In the beginning, I was also a man, no, a person, so I was only afraid of pregnancy. That’s why I made sure to use contraception. Suddenly, a child to me, who was living in pain and destruction. If it were the me of the past, I would have flipped them off and blasted them with a Fireball. But. Although it was a mistake. Now that I’m actually pregnant, I’m not just afraid. Maternal love? Or just plain mental illness? Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. When else would I be able to feel this kind of emotion?

“You went to the temple…?”

“Shuriel. Open it.”

Shuriel looked puzzled at the small blue bottle drawn on the envelope. He said he was going to buy a gift, but he went to the temple? And even to the Temple of the Holy Stream, where frugality and generosity are the creed? The Holy Stream Temple didn’t sell souvenirs or anything like that. They only relied on the offerings that the believers voluntarily gave. As one of the three major sects recognized by the Holy See, they had many believers and didn’t have to worry about money, but anyway. It’s a story that has nothing to do with me.

“Hurry.”

I pulled on his sleeve and urged him.

No matter the process, this child is your seed, so I’m ashamed to face you. I was anxious to see Shuriel hesitating with the envelope in his hand. His face is gradually turning red. It wasn’t shame. I didn’t know what Shuriel would say. I kept thinking of cheesy lines that made my hands and feet curl up…

I don’t plan on getting married, but it would be troublesome if he suddenly proposed. I’m not someone who can be tied down. What if he gets down on his knees? Still… I could stay with him until the baby is born…

At that moment.

-Jjiik.

The envelope tore. I snap back to my senses. Even though it’s nothing, my mouth is dry. Shuriel reached into the open envelope and carefully took out a piece of paper. The yellow paper, folded in half, emitted a white light through the slightly opened gap. He threw the torn paper envelope away carelessly and held the paper in both hands, slowly unfolding it.

“Lushellini Territory, Second District Temple Vice-Priest Shemel…”

“…”

“Bestows… the blessing… of birth.”

Word by word. My heart pounded faster and faster as the contents were read. The heat rising from my feet gradually crawled up my body and spread to the top of my head. My body is hot. I’m excited. It’s not sexual excitement. What should I say, this heat was a kind of anticipation. At that moment, Shuriel’s eyes turned to the center of the paper. The part where the temple’s common symbol was drawn.

The dot in the circle was.

One.

“…Doryeon-nim.”

“You…”

“I, I’m pregnant.”

Shuriel buried his face in the paper with one dot drawn on it and remained still for a long time. He must be shocked. I know. Especially since it’s your child. And, it would be a lie if I said I wasn’t scared of a woman running up to me with a pregnancy test showing two lines. I understand.

“…”

“Huhuhu…”

He’s laughing.

I just found his shaking eyes amusing.

“…Since when?”

“Two weeks. It’s been two weeks.”

I couldn’t hide my excitement. I knew I shouldn’t be like this in front of Shuriel, and I knew that the more I did this, the more I wouldn’t be able to leave him. I jumped around like a childish kid. What should I name it? How should I raise it? What clothes should I dress it in and what should I teach it? It’s only been two weeks since the baby was conceived, but I imagined endless possibilities.

Honestly. I don’t know either. Why am I so obsessed with the child? Even now, the obsession is getting worse as time goes by. Haa. Maybe, I wanted vicarious satisfaction. Satisfying myself with the happiness that the child would receive, which I couldn’t enjoy, projecting myself onto the child, an obsession that stemmed from a somewhat dirty desire. Because this meant seeing the child as an object.

However.

I have no intention of treating it as a disposable object once it has fulfilled its role. Even if my child hates me. I will embrace them with love. I rambled on and on, proudly.

“I received a blessing. The baby is safe.”

“…Do you have a plan?”

“I don’t really know. It’s my first time having a child… but, but.”

“But?”

“…I don’t want to get rid of it.”

But.

“Yujin.”

“Uh, yes?”

The reaction… wasn’t good at all.

Shuriel folded the paper and put it in his arms, then took my hand and headed to a secluded place. A small but beautiful place in the corner of the Count’s residence, with a small fountain and a maze garden. The water droplets splashing from the fountain shone like jewels in the evening glow. I headed into the maze, smelling the well-maintained grass in the cool breeze.

“Shu, Shuri. El?”

“Shhh.”

Something was wrong.

“…Yujin. Besides you and me, who else knows about this?”

“Uh, uh, yes?”

“Haa… I’m sorry. I was flustered and misspoke.”

Shuriel scratched his head and sat on a cut-off old tree, continuing his words incoherently.

“Contraception… didn’t you use it? Did you take medicine, or something?”

“Ah, no. I did. I really, really did.”

“…”

“Th, that’s. So, the medicine, I didn’t take it, but…”

Ah… damn it. I became unnecessarily emotional. Even though I could have had a rational conversation, tears welled up in my eyes. Why am I crying? Shuriel hasn’t said anything yet.

I. I thought he would like it. That he would try to threaten me, saying that he had a reason to tie me down. If that were the case. I would have gone along with it. I couldn’t bring myself to hurt the baby, so even if it wasn’t violent sex that pounded my uterus, I could have done it with my ass, or with my mouth. There were many ways to play while protecting the baby. Honestly, maybe it’s because I’m a pervert, but that’s all I could think about when I got pregnant.

I was just embarrassed by Shuriel’s reaction. What about cumming inside and putting in a stopper? What about pounding me like that in the carriage? Wasn’t he trying to get me pregnant? I felt wronged.

Shuriel was greatly embarrassed to see the tears trickling down and tried to calm me down. It was counterproductive. The more he did, the more intense my emotions became. He wiped away my tears himself, saying that he didn’t mean it that way, as I couldn’t speak and only shed tears.

“I acknowledge that the meaning was distorted. I apologize. So don’t cry, Yujin. Do you remember what I said at the tower?”

“…You said you would take responsibility.”

“Yes. I’m on your side.”

“…Yes.”

“I was just surprised. I… thought you weren’t interested in children.”

He thought I would definitely use contraception. Because enjoying being taken and having a child are different things. This world easily thinks about abortion. It was actually easy too. Using magic, or getting rid of it at the temple. There was no need to take medicine with side effects. This world was too harsh to worry about a child who wasn’t even born yet. Decisively, I was a magician. If you weighed the pursuit of magic and a child, they would choose magic. He must have thought that even if I had a child, I would get rid of it right away.

“I do use contraception. But, did you think it wouldn’t happen even after cumming in my lower body and putting in a stopper?”

However.

After doing such a thing.

…Now you’re making excuses.

“…”

“Are you afraid of a collateral line?”

Nobles are very sensitive to children’s issues. Collateral line. A bent branch can be created. Unlike straight branches, bent branches only add weight to the tree and slow down its growth. Cutting off the bent branches means killing a member of the family, so you can’t avoid criticism. Of course, if I were a noble, there would be no problem. But I’m a commoner.

“Do you think I didn’t get rid of the child because I wanted power?”

The situation they fear most is demanding power under the pretext of the child’s ‘legitimacy’. Because it’s in your blood. Because it carries your name. Give me the appropriate power. Quick-witted collateral lines live quietly, but there’s no guarantee that such a thing won’t happen after decades or hundreds of years.

“…I.”

So, in order not to do that.

“I’m afraid you’ll be harmed.”

The only way is to cut off the buds as soon as they show signs.

“If Hairak finds out about this, he’ll try to kill you.”

“……”

“Hide it for now. The time is not right.”

Shuriel hugged me and patted me for a long time, then let go of me when the tears stopped. He stroked my head with a troubled face. Red hair got caught in Shuriel’s hand and stuck out.

“Let’s go back. The situation is almost sorted out, so I can at least treat you to a meal.”

“…Yes.”

“My father said he’ll be back in three days… I’ll look for a solution before then.”

I nodded with a gloomy feeling.

Both Shuriel and I. It was our first time having a child. We don’t know what to do because we’re both inexperienced. I just think I took it too easily. That there aren’t only people who will be happy to hear that I’m pregnant. Until I put the paper in the envelope, I only had a fluttering heart, but when I faced reality, it was full of thorns. That’s right. This world was originally like this. A whisper I had forgotten.

I was not welcomed.

* * *

“Thank you. Calberd.”

“For what.”

I entrusted Calberd with a few things and entered the assigned room. The room assigned to me was on the third floor of the Count’s residence, a room for temporary residents in a secluded location. A room that was lower than the one for VIPs and better than the one used by the maids. A room that perfectly matched my status as a reference.

That’s not to say that the quality of the room was low. This was the Count’s residence. The wallpaper and floor materials alone were materials that commoners couldn’t even dream of. The furniture was all decorated with luxury goods… The room I was assigned was also excessively large and luxurious for me to use alone. I lay down on the bed that a noble young lady would use and took a breath, feeling like I was in another world. Ah. It is another world.

Three days before leaving for the Holy See.

I had to be ‘treated’ here as a reference. It was thanks to Shuriel’s expression of his intention that I had to give at least a minimum of compensation, even if I couldn’t lower my head as a commoner.

I was also able to see Shuriel’s brother, who is called ‘Lushellini’s First Branch’. Hairak Lushellini. He showed perfect etiquette, so he was surprised like Shuriel. I heard his nickname was Iron-Blooded Gongja. Unlike his brutal nickname, he was shorter and more delicate than Shuriel. The fact that his eyes were clear was the same, whether it was a family history or not. Of course, he was shorter than Shuriel, but he was still tall among men. I heard he was married, unlike Shuriel… but his wife wasn’t visible. I wonder if I’ll be able to meet her at dinner time.

More than that.

“Haa…”

The baby. What should I do?

I played a perfect poker face. No one knows that I’m pregnant except for Shuriel. However, I can’t let my guard down. Since Hairak represents the Count’s will, I don’t know what tricks he’ll play on me if he finds out I’m pregnant. To make matters worse, Shuriel said he would keep his distance from me for a while. It can’t be helped. If we stick together and Hairak misunderstands, the power game will start immediately.

Now I’m alone.

No, there’s a baby in my belly, so maybe there are two of us.

“…”

Even if I try to comfort myself, the depression starts to soar without knowing the end. I was depressed. I remember the days when I was holed up in an inn and only self-harmed for a week. I didn’t need to do that now that Shuriel was here… but I felt suffocated. If Shuriel had taken over the family and completely taken my side. I even had that thought.

….

My breath is getting short.