Self-Harming Crazy Bubbly Magician

-Squeak… Squeak…

It’s already been three months since I fell into this barbaric world.

A fantasy world teeming with magic and swords, Demon Kings and angels, Elves, Dwarves, all sorts of dangers and fortuitous encounters… Truly, a world of pure fantasy.

I fell right into the middle of such a ‘fantasy’ world.

-Squeak… Squeak…

It’s truly unbelievable. If things were normal, I’d be in front of my computer, farming for items. Not flinging magic and catching ridiculously ugly goblins.

-Squeak… Squeak…

“Heuh…”

I tossed the small dagger in my right hand haphazardly aside, then picked up a white bandage that was lying limply on the inn’s wooden floor and wrapped it around my left wrist. The pungent scent of blood, sharp enough to sting the nose, spread throughout the entire room.

Cuts that the bandage couldn’t quite cover caught my eye. The bandage was a bit too short to cover all the numerous wounds, so I had no choice but to get up.

‘Bandages… I need to go buy some.’

Of course, they aren’t medical bandages or anything, just bundled-up scraps of cloth. Healing magic and potions are so widespread that medical supplies are kind of lacking.

As soon as you get hurt, you just fling healing magic or chug a potion.

The only guys who die from injuries are scrub adventurers who can’t afford potions or unlucky parties who can’t find a healer.

So, when you get hurt, you think about healing or potions first, not about wrapping bandages.

I got up and straightened out my disheveled clothes.

I checked my appearance in the mirror.

‘…’

A girl with red, low twin-tails was reflected in the mirror. Overall, she had a cute face that would stand out anywhere, but the fact that it was my face, along with the chillingly blank expression and downturned mouth, was eating everything away.

The frilly skirt that came down slightly below my thighs didn’t look strange, even though it was stained with blood, thanks to the skirt’s intense red color. It’s only when the blood dried that it would start to look weird.

On the other hand, the white top and stockings were a complete mess because of the blood. I wondered whether I should wear the stockings, but I couldn’t be bothered to undo the garter belt, so I rejected the idea.

As soon as the bleeding stopped, I went straight out of the inn.

The time was currently around 6 AM.

The gazes of the lodgers who were naturally eating breakfast and the innkeeper who was preparing the meal naturally fell on me.

The lodgers didn’t say anything and just watched me carefully, but the innkeeper, as if frightened by my appearance, trembled and spoke to me.

“H-Hey there! Were you attacked in your room or something?!”

He spoke to me in a tone that suggested he was genuinely worried.

“I’m okay. I’m fine.”

“I’ll go up and check it out!”

Zero persuasiveness.

Damn it.

There are several reasons why the innkeeper is so horrified-mainly my appearance-but it’s probably that.

Reputation.

If something bad happens, the number of lodgers will decrease.

‘I need to move inns.’

The moment he realizes that all of this is because of the self-harm I committed, he’ll kick me out. Just the fact that there’s a crazy girl who self-harms at the inn will reduce the number of consecutive stays.

I left for a secluded alleyway to find the cloth shop [Golden Embroidery]. It’s in an inconspicuous place, so I use it often. I can’t exactly wander around the main streets covered in blood.

*

I am a mage.

Not just someone who spits out fire or water, but a mage who uses more advanced magic. People in this world collectively call mages like me Archmages.

Arch-I was lacking in human qualities to have the prefix ‘great’ attached to me, but in that I used unique and powerful magic, I was on a different level from other ordinary mages.

I was particularly skilled at manipulating elemental magic. Whether it was natural phenomena, metals, or even the elements that make up people.

Considering that most of the magic in this world doesn’t stray far from the four elements of fire, water, light, and darkness, it was a great advantage.

But unfortunately, it wasn’t all good.

Because I understood all the elemental magic of all creation, my perspective on the world itself changed. First of all, the boundaries between Mana and perception merged. I could see the essence of all living things and control them.

And the price for this tremendous ability was,

Terrible ennui and boredom.

It was close to a curse.

The last time I felt even a little excited was when I fell into this medieval fantasy world. It was hard to find interest in anything I did. Naturally, my emotions dried up.

Of course, it’s not that I lost my emotions, just that I couldn’t feel interest. I still cried when I was sad and got angry at unfair things.

The problem is that those situations happened so rarely.

The steadfast reason of a mage dulled my emotions.

The reason of a mage.

Mages always act rationally, pursue truth, and take practicality. They firmly believe that eternal truth comes solely from independent reason, so they always doubt and doubt. Is this the right choice? If their choice is right, it will be rational and expressed as truth. Then it is practical. This is magic.

The more advanced magic you learn, the more this intensifies. Mages are wearing masks. On the outside, they seem normal, but on the inside, they’re always calculating profits and losses, and they’ll back out immediately if something seems even slightly off. This is one of the reasons why adventurers hate mages.

I hated it.

I hated the reason of a mage.

My magic, which had reached the realm of transcendence and fusion, made the reason of a mage even more steadfast. I couldn’t understand even the smallest things. Why do they do that, why are they doing that, why do they bother to take losses? Could it be that they have a compensation mentality? Is the reward from that action enough to make up for the loss?

I mean, even if my best friend died in front of me, I wouldn’t shed a single tear in this body right now.

As if it were some kind of special cheat for isekai trips, I awakened my magic as soon as I tripped-and this is what happened.

Shit.

If that’s the case, it would have been better to just headbutt the ground without any abilities.

Of course, starting from the bottom wouldn’t be easy.

But you form a party with scrubs, make connections, and form friendships. Aren’t those series of processes the standard for the beginning of an ‘isekai’ story? It was okay to postpone getting stronger.

Besides, my gender even changed. Well, I could change it if I deliberately disassembled and reconstructed my body, but I’ve never experimented with it, and I didn’t really feel like it, and I didn’t want to.

Of course, I would succeed.

I have absolute confidence in my magic.

Just, just.

I can’t find meaning.

It’s not like I’d be happy if I found my original gender. Sexual identity and homosexuality mean nothing to me, who has transcended humanity.

-From the beginning, I wish I had no abilities at all.

I was desperately clinging to this small wish.

Sometimes when I walk down the street, I feel like I’m becoming one with the world. A terrible feeling that I’m becoming one with the world, and the existence of ‘me’ is disappearing. It was the price for merging the boundaries between Mana and perception.

No, damn it, who asked me to merge? I just tripped and this is what happened.

-Thud.

“Hey, you fucker. Can’t you watch where you’re going?”

A fierce voice. I looked up at the man I had bumped into. He was a huge man, at least 30cm taller than me. I rolled my eyes a little more and looked behind him, and there were two more men with similar builds to the man.

Why is he yelling when he bumped into me first?

“No, do you have eyes or not?! You broke my sword because of you!”

I looked down at the sword hanging from his waist. It was a short sword that was perfect for holding in one hand.

But it was broken.

“Can’t you hear me? Kid. This is worth 3 silver. You know that?”

There was no way I could have bumped into him by ‘mistake’. At least this entire city was within my range of perception.

Besides, that sword broke exactly 17 days and 2 hours ago.

This place is a ‘back alley’ where people don’t come and go often.

So, in short, they are repeat offenders.

“Why aren’t you saying anything? Did you swallow honey?”

I stared silently into the man’s eyes.

When I just stood there blankly without answering, they whispered among themselves.

“He just looks like a scrub, can’t we just kill him and sell his clothes, hyung-nim? They look expensive.”

“He’s covered in blood. Even if we kill him cleanly, we’ll be accused of murder if we sell his clothes, right?”

They seemed to think they were talking quietly, but I could hear the sound of the ocean beyond the continent if I just concentrated.

“He doesn’t seem to have much either… Should we just kill him and take his money?”

“…He looks pretty good-looking.”

“Didn’t he already get beaten up? He’s covered in blood. And his face doesn’t look lively.”

Right now, I was wondering how many bandages I should buy.

‘I can’t do that every morning… Should I buy rags instead of bandages? Moving inns is getting a bit much… Should I move cities?’

I was seriously considering it with my head down.

“Damn it, nothing’s working out. Just die.”

-Thud.

The man, who had kicked off the ground and approached me instantly, grabbed my neck and lifted me high into the air.

“Keuh, keuhak.”

Pressure on my neck.

Blocked airway.

Unable to breathe, I struggled desperately.

“Hey, search his body and see if he has a wallet.”

He changed direction with my neck in his hand and held me out to his comrade. They searched my body and found a wallet.

“Uwak, shit!! Hyung-nim!! This bitch has a lot of money?!”

“Oh, how much?”

“79 silver!”

“Damn, that’s worth one gold coin!”

“Heok. Heuk….”

A small wish alone was not enough to overcome the terrible ennui and boredom.

I needed stimulation, stimulation. Satisfaction through drugs or self-realization didn’t catch my eye. That’s how I clung to my self, which seemed like it would disappear from this goddamn other world, and endured for months.

Anxiety and unease.

But all that pain gave me an enlightenment.

Life.

I was yearning for life.

I was working so hard to maintain my self and not die.

I couldn’t believe I was yearning for something so much. I cheered. It was the first ‘happiness’ I had experienced since falling into this world.

“Damn it! We hit the jackpot! Let’s go back and start drinking!”

The human instinct to yearn for life was base but beautiful. This is something I realized while experiencing it myself. The moment you yearn for life, you forget even ennui and become desperate.

Ah, pain….

Because you never left me, I have finally come to respect you.

“……Hey, mister.”

Ah, pain, I know you. That you are beautiful just by existing.

“What? What’s wrong? Why aren’t you smiling?”

“No, mister!”

“What?! Damn it!”

Even when my soul was wandering the depths of the abyss, pain was always sitting beside me, protecting me. How could I resent pain?

“That bitch is smiling?”

I have nothing but pain.

I don’t want anything else.