Chapter 517: Give it to me just once.

Not long after I regressed, I often had trouble sleeping.

There were times I couldn’t sleep even for a moment, staying up for days.

There were times it was dangerous not to sleep anymore, so I used a gamble to knock myself out.

Otherwise, I couldn’t sleep.

Because memories from before my regression surfaced as dreams, I couldn’t possibly fall asleep.

Those I had killed.

Those I couldn’t save.

Those who died for me.

Their faces surfaced all night, making it impossible to live.

I’d wake up drenched in cold sweat, caught in nightmares.

When I woke up like that, I couldn’t breathe for a long time.

And then, just as I could finally breathe, I’d bury my face in the blanket and repeatedly sob.

Making the chance I’d painstakingly obtained feel meaningless, I cried for a long time, blaming my still incompetent self.

How could I be happy just because I regressed?

Nothing had changed.

When the memories from that time are still so vivid, how can I possibly breathe and live?

I hadn’t changed anything, and I couldn’t do anything.

I spent a long time like that.

Unable to escape my past life, I stumbled through life not knowing what to do.

What did I live for? It’s hard to say I was living.

I merely spent each day breathing.

Claiming to be a martial artist, I tried to regain my cultivation, but lacking intent (意), I was destitute.

Even if I used this to build cultivation, it was futile because my inside was hollow.

What should I do it for?

What meaning does this regression hold?

What meaning could be found there? I searched for a long time.

No, rather than searching for meaning.

I could only hope.

That there would be meaning.

Please, let my regression have meaning.

I wished for it so much, but I couldn’t find what meaning this regression held.

The world wasn’t that easy.

So I just lived according to the flow of time.

Thinking I should try something, I dabbled here and there, but I didn’t get particularly enthusiastic.

It was something I had once dreamed of.

The childhood desire to be called a genius of the century like others, to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with them.

There were times I lived crazed by that, but I didn’t.

If I wanted to, I could have done it anytime.

The reason I didn’t bother was probably because I didn’t want to stand out.

Because I didn’t want to see their faces.

I hated the thought of someone like me daring to stand beside them.

Surprisingly, I even had something called a conscience.

At least, until then.

As much as I had regressed, I didn’t have any intention of stopping the Blood Calamity.

I’ll just live moderately, you know. Or.

I should hide away in some mountain village to avoid danger.

At first, I intended to live like that.

Let’s live moderately and inconspicuously.

Surely, that was the kind of feeling I had.

Where did it start to change?

I often recall it.

About where it might have changed.

Was it around the time I met Wi Seol-ah in Shanxi Prefecture right after regressing?

Or was it the time I met Namgung Bi’a on the day I headed to Sichuan?

They were all events that could be called turning points.

I knew.

That the turning point where I properly began to dream of a conviction was none other than when I first met Tang Xiaoye.

There wasn’t any particular reason.

At first, it was simply a seed.

When I saw Tang Xiaoye’s intact eyes.

And around the time Namgung Bi’a stood beside her, and Wi Seol-ah stood beside me.

When I felt a drastically different scene and atmosphere from my past life.

Afterwards, when I destroyed that Namgung Cheonjun bastard, perhaps I could change myself?

Such feelings gradually heated up.

Even after that, the situation continued to change.

Meeting Elder Shin on the way to Mount Hua.

Afterward, seeing Shin Ui, Zhuge Hyuk, and others, I wondered if perhaps I could change the events I knew through my own efforts.

That was the time I harbored such hope.

Hope became embers.

As expected of a martial artist who uses fire arts, the flame held in my heart grew larger and larger.

An unknown desire began to crave, baring its teeth.

That is the reason I revealed my strength at the Martial Arts Tournament.

‘I will take everything Jang Seon-yeon will obtain.’ That was the beginning of the plan, but.

Thinking about it now, it probably wasn’t just that.

Literally, ardent desire (熱望).

Something I secretly wished and wished for.

The delusion of wanting to be seen as a great genius by others.

Was there truly no desire for that?

No.

Such feelings must have existed, not without reason.

‘I want to crush Jang Seon-yeon and obtain everything that bastard will get.’

Within the name of future plans, there must surely have been other desires as well.

That’s why I unleashed my power without reservation.

The more honest I became with my emotions, the more the situation continued to change.

I met the Blood Demon and felt that there was something in this world.

Furthermore, meeting Yeon Il-cheon, I learned there were even deeper secrets.

As I learned secrets I didn’t know, my heart changed, and my relationships with those around me also progressed.

Not ‘Let’s just live carelessly, avoiding the Blood Calamity.’

Ultimately, I resolved to stop the Heavenly Demon or the Blood Demon myself and end the Blood Calamity.

This was thanks to remembering my past life and recognizing my current life as a different one.

Therefore, regarding the cause, I thought meeting Tang Xiaoye in Sichuan was the reason.

She was different from Namgung Bi’a or Wi Seol-ah, rather.

Because Tang Xiaoye had a narrower range of emotions than them.

Perhaps it was possible to think more rationally.

As time flowed, I gradually became able to sleep.

Perhaps it was because I had resolved on a goal, I became able to immerse myself in training.

Perhaps because of that, I could readily accept rigorous training methods.

I still dream of my past life, but.

Very occasionally, I’ve even been able to have proper dreams.

That dream is close to a fantasy of the distant future.

What happens after the world changes peacefully.

I’ve become able to have fantasies I never even imagined.

The emptiness felt after waking up remained. Still, it was okay.

At least I had laid the foundation to endure.

‘Well. Now I need to take proper care of those around me too.’

I can’t just get stronger alone.

If possible, I want to bear the burden entirely alone, but I know I can’t, even if I want to.

I don’t want to reach out my hand.

The pain I had to bear was enough with just one.

I know I’m not that competent myself.

So I had to look around… but…

In that aspect, Tang Xiaoye was difficult for me in many ways.

‘It’s ambiguous.’

It’s the same regarding martial talent (武才), but the most important thing is.

‘How do I see Tang Xiaoye?’

Specifically, in what way, and with what meaning, do I see Tang Xiaoye?

As I said above.

Unlike Wi Seol-ah or Namgung Bi’a, being able to think rationally while looking at her means.

It’s the same as saying the feelings I harbor for Tang Xiaoye aren’t that great.

At least, that’s how it was at first.

Simply a person I killed with my own hands.

It was a relationship where the faint guilt stemming from that was the issue.

‘Then what about now?’

What about now?

I think, but it’s still unknown.

I’m not unaware that the feelings she harbors for me are affection.

I don’t have a guess as to how that happened, but.

It must surely be so.

Conversely, I.

Can I dare call this affection (愛情)?

I couldn’t be sure.

Because the feeling I got when looking at Namgung Bi’a or Wi Seol-ah was quite different from the emotion I felt when looking at Tang Xiaoye.

‘Even so.’

It didn’t mean Tang Xiaoye occupied a small portion within me.

Even when Tang Deok threatened me using Tang Xiaoye.

Even when I judged that Tang Xiaoye might be involved in the incidents occurring within the Tang family.

To the extent that I unconsciously showed killing intent upon hearing those words, I was, in my own way, viewing Tang Xiaoye as important.

It’s just that I can’t be sure of my own feelings.

To put it coldly, unlike Namgung Bi’a or Wi Seol-ah, I can’t say I could die for Tang Xiaoye.

That’s probably the general feeling.

However.

‘It’s unavoidable that I’m concerned.’

As the portion Tang Xiaoye occupies is by no means small.

It was unavoidable that I was concerned about her.

It’s a rather ambiguous position.

Her martial talent isn’t particularly outstanding, nor are her other talents particularly exceptional.

Despite that, I recalled her rising to the position of Poison Concubine (毒妃) in my past life and judged that there must surely be something.

‘If it was related to this incident.’

The plan for the birth of the Heavenly Martial Body (天武之體).

From the point I heard that Tang Xiaoye was involved in the matter, coinciding with that incident.

I had to try hard to recall Tang Xiaoye’s whereabouts in my past life.

How did she rise to Poison Concubine? I wanted to know about that.

‘…’

But no matter how much I tried to recall, I couldn’t know.

It’s proof that I wasn’t interested in her that much.

For some reason, that annoyed me.

“What do you mean?”

The words, ‘Don’t you want to get stronger?’

Hearing those words, Tang Xiaoye looked up at me with a puzzled expression.

Looking at Tang Xiaoye like that, I suddenly thought.

‘Was she this small?’

Due to the Tang family’s characteristic of living for centuries as assassins, most direct blood relatives have small builds.

Even the Poison King was only slightly taller than me before my shedding.

Tang Xiaoye, being female, would likely have a smaller build than average.

For some reason, I felt that acutely now.

‘…The reason for that.’

It’s probably because of Tang Xiaoye’s eyes.

Since when was it?

When I looked into Tang Xiaoye’s eyes, I naturally knew.

That she was gradually becoming tainted by inferiority complex.

How could I not know?

It’s an emotion I was terribly immersed in during my past life.

I couldn’t possibly not know.

The cause is probably.

‘Because of the kids around me.’

Somehow, the numerous disciples who gathered were all geniuses and monsters.

It’s natural for an ordinary person to feel an insurmountable wall within that.

Geniuses reach the heavens.

Ordinary people, no matter how much they fly and crawl, will be at the bottom.

When I realized they had wings that I didn’t, it was natural to collapse.

At least, that’s how it was for me.

Because I realized that difference and sat on the floor, screaming.

I understand Tang Xiaoye’s feelings better than anyone.

Which is why even more so.

‘I.’

I didn’t want Tang Xiaoye to break.

There’s no way to break down more desperately and uglily than collapsing from inferiority complex.

I know because I’ve experienced it.

I didn’t want Tang Xiaoye to become like that.

So.

‘…It’s quite a cowardly method, but.’

My clenched fist, I felt the texture within it.

A bothersome sensation.

As I clenched my fist, I lightly bit my lip.

‘…It feels like crap.’

I know. It’s not because the texture is bothersome, but because my insides find it bothersome.

‘Is this truly the right way?’

Why am I asking?

I knew it wasn’t.

Yet, I’m going to do it anyway.

‘Fuck.’

What I’m holding in my hand now is a jewel I snatched from the Tang family’s First Elder.

It’s called a jewel, but in reality, it was no different from a potent elixir concentrated with all sorts of energies.

Starting with the White Horse Stone, even I, who had seen most elixirs, was surprised.

‘This is a level I’ve never seen before.’

The Tang family’s masterpiece, created over nearly a hundred years starting from the Poison Lord.

Simply absorbing it transforms the body, maximizing the inherent poison energy.

Just hearing about it makes it sound like an incredible elixir, but the conditions for consuming it were the problem.

‘First, it had to be female, didn’t it?’

The condition for consumption is, firstly, to be female.

If it were male, it wouldn’t suit the body, causing the energy to rampage and explode, didn’t it say that?

The second is…

‘It shouldn’t exceed the age of Yi-rip, right?’

For most martial artists, the age of Yi-rip is around the time they start entering their prime.

In other words, it’s the same condition as needing to be a late-stage disciple.

Also.

‘One must also have the vessel to withstand this amount of poison energy.’

Just by looking, it’s an absurd amount of energy and poison.

Even for someone with resistance to poison, withstanding this much poison energy is nonsensical.

It’s impossible with a normal body. Considering these conditions together.

Ultimately, it meant it was meant for those in the Tang family who had cultivated resistance to poison since childhood.

If we consider a late-stage disciple of the Tang family who hasn’t passed Yi-rip and is female.

‘…It’s only Tang Xiaoye.’

It was understandable how the First Elder planned to make Tang Xiaoye consume this.

If there’s something slightly unsettling.

‘It’s not just that Tang Xiaoye fits the conditions, but rather, there’s a part that makes me wonder if it was made specifically for Tang Xiaoye.’

Aren’t the conditions too perfectly fitting?

That bothered me, but.

‘Even so.’

I.

Intended to make Tang Xiaoye consume this.

[…Hmm….]

At these thoughts, Elder Shin let out a breath as if uncomfortable.

That breath sound was quite irritating to my ears.

It couldn’t be helped.

As Elder Shin is a hero, it was natural for him to dislike such methods.

However.

‘…Why aren’t you stopping me?’

Elder Shin didn’t stop me.

He kept showing uncomfortable expressions, but far from telling me not to, he didn’t utter a single word.

Ironically, that bothered me even more.

Hmph.

Elder Shin snorted.

[Would you listen even if I stopped you?]

‘Even though you know that well, haven’t you consistently tried to stop me?’

[That’s true, but. Tsk tsk.]

Elder Shin chuckled dryly for a moment before continuing.

[Not only would you not listen even if I stopped you, but there’s no need to do so this time.]

‘…Does that mean it’s okay for me to make Tang Xiaoye consume this?’

It’s a concentration of countless lives.

If only demonic beasts were used, it wouldn’t be such an irritating item, but the lives lost to process this were on a level I couldn’t imagine.

Just the bodies found numbered dozens.

Considering the years, tens of times more lives must have been used.

It’s an elixir made like that, yet you’re just going to let Elder No-ya use it?

From Elder No-ya’s perspective, it didn’t make sense.

Because of this, the Tang family will likely falter considerably from now on.

Judging by the Poison King’s actions, it seemed he wasn’t planning to hide this entirely.

I felt a bit sorry for the Poison King who would die from the crap the ancestors and current elders had left behind, but.

Right now, that didn’t matter.

‘With my current self, I can do it.’

This jewel imbued with immense energy.

If successful, she would gain an outstanding body and considerable poison energy, but.

If I carelessly made Tang Xiaoye consume it now, there’s a risk her body would break from being unable to control the energy.

That, I could easily control.

My body, which had achieved immunity to all poisons.

Even if the poison energy tried to burst out, I could just absorb and control it.

Therefore, it means only I can safely make Tang Xiaoye consume this now.

Just as I was thinking that.

[That’s where you’re still a brat.]

Elder Shin suddenly delivered a sharp remark as if finding me pathetic.

‘…Then what exactly is the problem?’

[Tsk tsk…. Enough. Go finish your conversation with the Tang girl.]

Although I felt slightly annoyed by Elder Shin’s words, as he said, I decided to finish my conversation with Tang Xiaoye first.

Because Tang Xiaoye also looked like she was waiting for the conversation.

“It’s exactly as it sounds… Don’t you want to get stronger?”

“Huh?”

“I thought I could make you stronger.”

“Master…?”

“Yeah.”

Hearing my words, Tang Xiaoye tilted her head.

Since I suddenly came asking if she wanted to get stronger, it was natural for her to find it strange.

‘One word.’

Just one word is enough.

‘I want to get stronger.’ That statement alone is enough.

With that one word, I would bear the karma for this ugly jewel in place of Tang Xiaoye.

I could do that much.

Waiting for Tang Xiaoye’s answer with that kind of feeling.

After a little time passed, Tang Xiaoye slowly opened her mouth.

“Um… If that’s the case, will I become stronger…?”

“Probably. You’ll become much stronger.”

I don’t know how effective it will be, but.

If the Poison Concubine of my past life became so due to this medicine, she probably became quite strong.

Or, she would gain the potential to become stronger.

“And Master is helping me with that?”

“Yeah.”

Hearing my words, Tang Xiaoye seemed to ponder for a moment.

“Then…”

She said to me with a bright smile.

“I won’t.”

“Okay, then this… Huh?”

I naturally reached to take out the jewel, but stopped at Tang Xiaoye’s answer.

…You won’t do it?

Did she just say she wouldn’t do it?

“You won’t?”

“Yes. I won’t.”

“…Why? If you’re worried, I’ll make sure it’s not dangerous…”

“Master.”

I tried to persuade her, thinking maybe she didn’t trust me.

Squeeze.

Tang Xiaoye grasped my arm with her small hand.

The strength felt strangely powerful.

“I don’t think Master would help me with something dangerous for my sake. Because Master isn’t that kind of person.”

“Then why…?”

“Can I ask one thing?”

“…Uh, yeah.”

“If I accept this, Master will get hurt, right?”

“…!”

At Tang Xiaoye’s words, I gasped.

I hesitated for a moment, about to quickly deny it, but.

“Whether it’s my body or my mind, it’s definitely something Master has to sacrifice because of me, isn’t it?”

Tang Xiaoye, already convinced, spoke to me.

“…It’s not like that. It’s just a little help, I’m telling you?”

“But why are your eyes looking so sad?”

“…”

At her words, I unconsciously touched my eyes with my hand.

What kind of eyes must I have for Tang Xiaoye to say such things?

Was my action the problem?

Tang Xiaoye gently touched the corner of my eyes with a careful touch.

I couldn’t bring myself to stop that touch.

Tang Xiaoye, who had been touching my eyes for a moment, smiled slightly and said to me.

“I’m sorry.”

“…For…what?”

“It seems Master was worried because I’ve been showing embarrassing behavior lately. Right…?”

“…”

It was words that pierced deep into my heart. At Tang Xiaoye’s words, I swallowed a groan.

Thanks to that, I missed the chance to deny it again.

“…It’s embarrassing. I didn’t want Master to find out, even if others did.”

It seemed she knew she was feeling inferiority complex.

How could she smile despite that?

I couldn’t smile.

As I watched Tang Xiaoye like that with trembling eyes, she continued speaking.

“That’s right… Compared to others, I felt like I wasn’t helpful to Master. That made me a bit upset.”

“You don’t need that…”

“Even if Master doesn’t care, I do. I didn’t want to be someone uselessly by your side. Because if I am, I can’t stay by Master’s side.”

“…”

“So I wanted to become strong. To become very strong, and stay by Master’s side.”

“If that’s the case, then even more…”

Just as I was about to say, “Why don’t you borrow my strength?”

“But you know, Master. No matter how much I want to become strong.”

Tang Xiaoye moved the hand that was touching my eyes to her cheek and said softly.

“Power that I gain by hurting Master is not something I need.”

“…!”

“I don’t think I’d want to be by Master’s side with strength gained like that. Because I can overcome it. In fact, I think that way, I won’t be embarrassed when I’m by your side.”

“…”

“I’m sorry. You came here worried… Heehee… I’m okay.”

Watching Tang Xiaoye smile shyly, I couldn’t say anything.

It felt like being hit hard on the head with a hammer.

Where did it go wrong?

‘Was it from the start?’

It must be.

Why did I.

Think that Tang Xiaoye was the same as me?

Why did I think Tang Xiaoye would also get caught up in inferiority complex and break down like me?

The premise was wrong.

She wasn’t someone weak like me.

Tang Xiaoye was someone who thought about ultimately overcoming difficulties, rather than thinking she would lose.

‘Ah.’

Something is shaking.

I looked at Tang Xiaoye once again.

Tang Xiaoye, who felt so small just moments ago, now somehow seemed like a much bigger person.

[Didn’t I tell you? You’re still a brat.]

My breath quickens slightly at Elder Shin’s laughing tone.

Because I saw her as small.

Tang Xiaoye appeared small.

Since I had already guaranteed she couldn’t overcome it, Tang Xiaoye seemed so small and weak, but.

Now, she looks much stronger and brighter.

‘I see.’

It suddenly comes to mind.

Once, when Sichuan fell.

There was a woman who defended against the demonic beasts alone while evacuating the Tang family members to Henan.

Death was right before her eyes.

Even though she knew she absolutely couldn’t endure.

Even though her eyes were gouged out and her appearance became gruesome.

The woman who steadfastly held her ground.

“Haha….”

Recalling her appearance, I let out a laugh.

Until now, I thought she had that much strength, and that she could do it because she bore the name Poison Concubine.

Even that was wrong.

‘It wasn’t because she was Poison Concubine (毒妃).’

It was simply because she was Tang Xiaoye.

It was because she was that kind of person from the start.

I feel something thick clearing away.

When I cleared away the hazy fog and looked at Tang Xiaoye again.

I could feel certainty.

“Ah…! Th-that is, it’s not that I absolutely don’t need Master’s help, so I’m refusing…!”

Where did the clarity from before go? Tang Xiaoye faced me again with a flushed face.

Looking at her, I said.

“You know.”

“Yes, yes…?”

“Now, I think I can die for you.”

“…Uh… huh…?”

As the words that surfaced in my mind slipped out unconsciously.

“Kkya…??”

Hearing my words, Tang Xiaoye suddenly fainted.