Her
by Afuhfuihgs
Even knowing it was a futile act, I was someone who lived with vague hope. Born from lies, I couldn’t trust anyone, yet I vaguely hoped that true love would find me. Even when the serial work I loved and cherished tanked, I didn’t give up on my dream of becoming a writer, telling myself it would be different next time.
That vagueness was excellent armor for me.
A bleak reality. Hope that allowed a loner, with no human relationships, everyone having left their side, to endure the day.
But in truth, I always wanted to give up. Ever since my dad committed suicide, I denied that it would end that way, but… I was afraid it would end with the same conclusion.
“…I wanted to die.”
Words spat out in a voice full of moisture. That was the ugly truth I had never uttered in my life.
Dad, with an expression that he understood everything, patted my shoulder and gave me a kind smile.
“It’s okay. No one will blame you for your choice.”
Yeah, no one would mourn my death. There wouldn’t even be a funeral. No one would come, and no one would grieve. Suicide or dying alone. That’s the predetermined end for a loner left alone in the world.
Dad smiled and held out something. In his hand was a rope with a noose tied in it.
“There won’t be any pain either.”
Those words somehow made me feel okay. Receiving the rope, I was helped by Dad to tighten the rope around my own neck. The feeling of pressure under my neck was suffocating, but the feeling wasn’t unfamiliar. The feeling of being suffocated was something that had suddenly come to me several times in my small room in the goshiwon.
I hung the rope on the ceiling light and stood up on the sofa. The moment I raised my hand holding the rope, noise coming from the television like tinnitus stole my gaze.
“―――Are you giving up?”
The male lead in the drama was looking at the screen as if asking me. Dismissing it as a coincidence, I raised my hand again, and the same question returned once more.
“―――Are you giving up?”
Few people would answer the words coming from the television. Because the words weren’t directed at them. But I could feel that this familiar voice was directed at me.
“Yeah… I’m giving up. I’ve come this far, so it’s enough. Even if I postpone the predetermined ending, nothing will change in the end.”
The vagueness inside me disappeared, and only a cold sense of reality took its place. I’m just continuing my life, but there’s no meaning in it. So, if it ends a little earlier than expected, it won’t cause anyone to complain.
However, the question flowing from the television made my hand, which was firmly tying the end of the rope to the light, stop abruptly -.
“―――Not you, but the people who are precious to you.”
Precious people.
Did I have such people?
I should have always been a loner.
My head is heavy. No matter how hard I try to recall my memories, I can’t remember anything at all.
“Ah….”
As I blinked my eyelids, the vision that had turned blurry with tears cleared up. Drops of tears ran down my cheeks, but all my attention was focused on the figure of the female lead on the screen.
I can’t see her face. But that back view was so familiar and longing. A strangely wobbly gait. It feels like the center of her body is leaning to the left.
I know. I definitely liked looking at that back view.
“…Sian-ah?”
I gave a bitter smile at the sight of my dad looking at me strangely, as I had come down without finishing the noose. I feel like I’m finally coming back to my senses. The things I had forgotten, even if not completely, were slowly coming back. But the most important thing came back to me first.
The reason why I hadn’t given up and continued to live until now, even though there were so many moments when I wanted to give up everything.
Because I met her, who truly changed my vague hope.
So, now I can say it.
The truth I haven’t been able to convey until now.
I can get rid of this terrible feeling before it takes root in my heart and hardens.
I looked straight at my dad. How long has it been? Looking straight at the loved one I had been turning away from so much. It was awkward, I wanted to turn away, and I wanted to avoid his gaze, but I endured it.
Because now is the last chance.
“I’m sorry. For making you want to give up… even while being with me.”
Watching the smile on Dad’s face slowly disappear, I added.
“I’m not giving up. No, I can’t.”
“…No one will blame you for failing if you give up.”
“I know. And I’m not afraid of failure.”
It’s true. If it were the old me, I would have said I was afraid of failure, but now I’ve learned from her that it’s okay to fail.
“Even if I fail completely and give up everything… I know now that there’s someone who will always support me with the same heart.”
I smiled. With sincerity, with joy. Thinking of her, who gave me something I had never known in my life, something I had never dared to even hope to know… I said.
“So, I can’t give up. To repay the faith that person gives me, I have to do my best even if I fail, so I won’t be ashamed of myself.”
“…Do you think that love will last forever?”
Suddenly, I felt sorry for my dad. The ignorance of not being able to meet someone who truly loves him, of not knowing the precious things I have experienced… felt so pitiful.
“Even if love has an expiration date and it’s tomorrow, nothing will change. I will definitely love today with all my heart. I told you, I can’t give up now.”
It’s okay if this love doesn’t last forever. I can’t not do my best to love today for the sake of tomorrow.
“That’s the love I met and learned from her.”
But Dad had a face that didn’t understand. Few people can understand with words what they haven’t experienced. I didn’t really intend to persuade him either. It was just that the uncontrollable emotions that burst out flowed out of my mouth.
Suddenly, Dad’s appearance changed. He turned into the skinny, twisted old man I remembered last, pouring out all the hatred that had been trapped deep inside his heart and unable to escape, with a ferocious expression.
“You stupid bastard. You’ll end up losing everything like me.”
Dad will never understand that it’s okay to lose everything. So, I laughed. My eyes were still full of tears, but I still laughed.
“Even so, I’ll never forget this feeling I felt for the first time. Because it’s something I never imagined, and now it’s so precious to me.”
Dad’s face completely distorted. He glared at me as if he wanted to kill me, blaming me for the reason he died. Knife-like sharp words tear through my heart, but I listened silently. No matter how sharp, this blade cannot enter the place in my heart where the most important thing is kept.
So, I thought it was okay to bleed, even if ugly scars remained.
However, the female lead in the drama, who was filling the screen with her back view, seemed to have a different idea. Turning around and filling the screen with her lovely and beautiful face, she shouted at me, who was silently enduring the hatred as if a mouse had died.
“You don’t have to listen to such bad words. You’re a good person who deserves to be loved.”
At those words, Dad’s voice, who had come close to my face and raised his voice as if shouting, strangely didn’t reach my ears at all. Turning my gaze towards the screen, I met her gaze, her blue eyes sparkling and smiling lovingly.
Tilting her head slightly, she gave me a faint smile and said softly.
“Now, let it go.”
I could understand what that meant right away without explanation. It means my old guilt towards my dad. For the sake of the future, for my sake… to abandon my narrow-minded thinking that there is nothing true in the world because I was born from lies, and that I dreamed of becoming a writer.
To move forward as a better person.
So, I looked straight at Dad, who had become an old man.
“I love you. Dad. Thank you so much for everything.”
“…”
“I’ll struggle as much as I can and never give up until the end.”
“This can’t be. You, you can’t be like this.”
Turning my back on Dad, who was muttering powerlessly, I turned around. The television screen was already blacked out. As I took a step to return to my room, Dad grabbed the end of the rope hanging around my neck.
“Why aren’t you giving up!”
The old man’s voice changed. Not because of the agitated emotions, but it felt like a completely different person.
Yeah, this voice is… me.
I can see it over my shoulder.
My face is gradually appearing on Dad’s face.
I see, now I understand this situation.
I gave a bitter smile to another me, who had become like my father because I hadn’t met Luna.
“I told you, I sincerely feel sorry for you.”
“Shut up!!!”
The cult leader pulled the rope and tightened it around my neck. My body fell backward as the rope was pulled. The cult leader, who had climbed on top of my body that had fallen to the floor, strangled my neck with both hands.
“You’re a liar who’s no different from me! All the feelings you feel are fake!”
I didn’t resist at all and answered the cult leader, who was looking down at me with a ferocious expression and shouting like that, with a voice filled with bitterness.
“If you had met Luna, you would have definitely changed too.”
“Die―――!”
The moment the cult leader shone his eyes fiercely and strangled my neck even harder, everything suddenly disappeared, and I opened my eyes.
Along with the split sky, I can see two people in my sight.
Ellie, with tears in her eyes, and another me who looks exactly like me.
Could it be the cult leader?
The moment I hurriedly tried to get up, the guy who looked exactly like me stroked his chin and nodded.
“Oh, he’s awake! Wow, it worked! No, it was possible after all. I guess we should see it as a victory for perfect theory. Hey, wait a minute! Put down the fist. It’s a misunderstanding! And assault in front of a patient who just woke up from a coma will definitely have a bad mental impact – Ack ack ack!!!”
Seeing him getting punched by Ellie… I guess he’s not the cult leader after all.
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