What You Mean To Me

Returning to the academy, I headed straight for the magic department dormitory. Having taken care of what needed to be done first, it was time to deal with the things I had put off.

I checked the list of students using the dormitory during the winter break on the notice board at the dormitory entrance, confirming that Ellie was still at the academy.

I entered the dormitory and knocked on the door of Ellie’s room, but there was no response from inside. If she wasn’t out, she was likely at the training grounds or the library.

Even during the vacation, many students were using the training grounds. They were sweating valuable sweat, working towards their respective goals. There were a few familiar faces, but Ellie, whom I was looking for, was not there. I left the training grounds and headed to the library.

The academy library was crowded with numerous users, befitting its size. The academy library was also a place where you could spend quality time with your family in a warm place for free in the cold winter weather. Thanks to that, there were many young children in the general area, so it was inevitable that it was a little noisy.

Because it was so large, I kept moving, checking the faces of the people sitting at the long tables. I avoided a child who was excitedly running with a fairy tale book despite his mother’s restraint and headed towards the forbidden section.

The system was such that the range of access to the forbidden section increased by grade, but I, who was freely allowed access to the forbidden section, could even enter the highest-level forbidden section, which only those authorized by the academy’s professors or the headmaster could enter.

And as expected, I found Ellie sitting at a secluded table without windows, where people rarely tread, with several magic books next to her, using magic to move several pens at the same time to write something.

Ellie, whom I had met after a long time, hadn’t changed. No, she seemed a little thinner than the last time I saw her. Perhaps she had been in the library since early in the morning, as the scent of strawberries became stronger as I got closer.

Because of that, the emotions I had forgotten revived, and I stopped walking for a moment. The desire to turn around and return to the club room and the impulse to greet Ellie in a friendly manner clashed in my mind. I hesitated several times, stroking my chin, and finally took a difficult step forward.

I was standing across from the table where Ellie was sitting, but she was so focused on her book that she didn’t seem to notice me approaching. For some reason, I didn’t like that, so I reached out and closed the book Ellie was reading.

Ellie, who had been concentrating on her book, slowly raised her head and looked at me. Her beautiful obsidian-like eyes widened. I put on a normal act and gave a nonchalant greeting to Ellie, who was staring blankly with her mouth slightly open.

,Hello.”

Our gazes tangled in the air. Like someone who had been struck by a surprise attack, Ellie struggled to utter the words that were circling in her mouth with a shocked expression, but in the end, she swallowed them without saying anything.

The silence flowing between us felt like it was strangling me, and I felt pressured to do something. So I said anything.

,What, are you not even accepting greetings now?”

As soon as I said it, I realized I had made a mistake. It felt pretty idiotic that I, who had been treating Ellie as a complete stranger because I had lost my memory, was now asking if she wasn’t accepting greetings.

,Ah, no… it’s not that. It was too sudden… just, it was sudden.”

Perhaps it was the first time she had spoken today, as Ellie’s voice was much more hoarse than I remembered. Ellie, who shrugged her shoulders and examined my expression for a moment, asked with a hopeful voice and slightly teary eyes.

,Could it be that your memories… have returned?”

I nodded slightly at Ellie, who was biting her lip and anxiously waiting for my answer.

,I knew it… I knew you’d remember. We weren’t such a… light relationship that could be easily forgotten.”

I don’t know what Ellie is expecting from me regaining my memory. I reminded myself of the purpose of finding Ellie to avoid going down a different path and said.

,I have something to tell you. And something to give you.”

At those words, Ellie flinched so much that her chair rattled, with a surprised expression. Perhaps she was embarrassed by that action, as Ellie, with a slight blush on her face, slightly raised the corners of her lips.

,I… I had a lot of things I wanted to tell Ross too.”

Her obsidian-like eyes were full of anticipation. I just smiled without any other explanation. I didn’t bother moving, thinking that this was the highest level of the forbidden section, so few people would come here, and it was a good place to avoid the eyes of others because of its secluded location.

I sat down in the empty seat across from me, leaned to the side, crossed my legs, and looked at Ellie. It was a pretense to look even a little relaxed.

Ellie’s smile didn’t leave her face, as if she was happy that I had come to find her after regaining my memory. She was probably having pleasant fantasies about our relationship returning to what it used to be.

Ellie seemed a little hesitant, examining my expression before cautiously saying.

,I was studying hard to help you find your memories… but I’m really happy that your memories have returned anyway.”

,I regained my memory by chance.”

Perhaps she thought that coincidence was lucky for her, as Ellie muttered that she was really relieved and paused for a moment. Ellie, who had been biting her lip, looked straight at me and said firmly.

,I wanted to tell you how much I regret and am reflecting on the bad things I’ve done to you.”

Her obsidian-like eyes were wet with tears as she said that. Because of that, the sadism that had been dormant within me stretched out as it pleased.

The sadistic impulse to want to see the woman who had made me suffer shed tears for me. If that were mixed with the inferiority complex that had remained within Ross for a long time, it would surely explode uncontrollably like gunpowder touched by fire.

Before that happened, I came to my senses and replied.

,Ellie, I have no intention of repeating the same mistake.”

Ellie shook her head at my firm voice. Because of that, the tears scattered from her wet eyes, giving the illusion that they were sparkling beautifully.

,I didn’t intend to either. I have no intention of making Ross suffer again. It’s just… I was so happy that Ross’s memories had returned. Even if we can’t go back to the way we were before… the fact that we were childhood friends won’t change.”

I confirmed that Ellie’s words were correct with a firm voice at Ellie, who was fidgeting with her fingers on the table and seemed a little nervous.

,That’s right, just because I regained my memory doesn’t mean I’m going to go back to the way we were before. We’re a relationship that hurts each other.”

With a face that seemed to be forcibly swallowing her sobs, Ellie hesitated for a moment before averting her gaze and saying in a pathetic voice.

,…I was prepared for it. It’s all my fault.”

Unlike her words that she was prepared, Ellie’s eyes, which had been filled with anticipation, were now full of disappointment. Still, seeing Ellie admit her mistakes, a tempting thought arose in a corner of my mind. I barely shook off the sweet temptation of giving Ellie a chance.

Perhaps she interpreted my silence differently while I was shaking off the temptation, as Ellie opened her mouth.

,If you’ve remembered any other wrongdoings of mine that you’ve forgotten… you can scold me as much as you want. You’re more than qualified to do so. I’ll beg for your forgiveness as much as you want, in whatever way you want.”

I clenched my jaw at Ellie’s appearance as she lowered her gaze while saying that. Is Ellie sincerely repenting? Or is she cosplaying as a sinner? The Ellie I had seen in the previous world was much later in time than now.

She hasn’t had enough time to sincerely regret it yet. Since Ellie had done things to me all this time, it’s only natural that I can’t easily believe her. And I was even more confused because I had said ambiguous words that could be interpreted in various ways.

Her actions of handing me the whip so that I can lash her as I please seem like a deliberate act to stimulate me in a bad way… Aren’t I making too many far-fetched assumptions? My head is complicated.

Believing Ellie is close to gambling. I couldn’t overcome the temptation of that gamble and ended up choosing to overturn the game. But the game has returned to me like fate, and I am sitting in my seat, fiddling with my cards.

Only Ellie can solve the problem of the Quantum Jump right now. Even if I don’t use Quantum Jump right away, I will eventually have to get Ellie’s help if I want to use it someday.

Of course, if I use Quantum Jump with Roel as an ally, it would be beneficial to both of us… but that was too far off. My past experiences and the author’s senses are shouting that using Quantum Jump now is the right answer.

To be honest, I’m scared. I was worried about how much more hurt this relationship would give me, and whether it would become a scar that would remain in my heart forever.

But I didn’t intend to avoid the situation because I was afraid of the aftermath or the pain. I might have done that in the past, but I have grown into an adult who can smile even in pain.

I said in a low voice to Ellie, who was looking at me with anxious eyes while I was silent.

,I’m not going to scold you. I’m not going to demand that you beg for my forgiveness. I don’t want to hurt you… I don’t want to share the pain either.”

,Does that mean you’ll never forgive me…?”

,No, that’s not it. It’s just that I…”

Now I have to admit it. What Ellie is to Ross, what she means. I took a breath and sighed. And I said.

,…I have no choice but to forgive you.”