If It Weren’t For Me

Sometimes, there are times when emotions aren’t understood by the head. Like when you should feel a sense of accomplishment and joy for reaching a goal, but you feel strangely empty, or when a relationship with someone goes wrong, but you feel less affected than you expected. It’s like that right now. Just seeing Luna-ssi is enough to make my heart react wildly on its own.

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I didn’t know it was possible to feel this good just by looking at someone until I met Luna-ssi. I thought the love stories in movies, dramas, and novels were exaggerated. But after experiencing it, I think I understand. Love has the power to turn even rational people into emotional fools, and to make serious people act childish.

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Of course, it’s not that I’m such a person. It’s just that I was able to feel and learn various emotions through Luna-ssi. I gained positive goals and the motivation to accomplish something. It was a love that taught me so much, and a love that would teach me so much more in the future.

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I felt a strange sense of joy at seeing Luna-ssi, as if it had been a long time. There was a female student I didn’t know next to Luna-ssi. I don’t know her name, but I’ve seen her face in the Department of Magic when I visited Luna-ssi’s classroom before.

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Judging from the cheerful atmosphere, it seems that she’s a close friend of Luna-ssi in this world. Seeing her smiling like a girl and chattering away with a joyful expression on her face made me smile without realizing it.

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It seems she didn’t go home for winter vacation. Luna-ssi had been debating whether to stay at the academy until the day of the vacation ceremony. She eventually decided to go home and work hard to grow, thinking it might interfere with my training… but the Luna-ssi here seems to have stayed at the academy with her friend rather than go to her boring home.

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The bright smile that I often saw when she was with the club members was vivid on Luna-ssi’s face, as if she was very close to the friend next to her. The two of them seemed to have decided something as they talked, and suddenly started walking, so I kept a little distance and quietly followed them.

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I’ve had this arrogant thought sometimes. A ridiculous thought that if it weren’t for me, Luna-ssi might be having a slightly boring academy life. Luna-ssi, who has many similarities to me, didn’t have any particular friends if it wasn’t for the Messiah club, so that’s why I thought that.

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If it weren’t for Nelson’s suggestion, I wouldn’t have thought of creating a club, and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to become close with the members who happened to be in the same group as me. I wouldn’t have been able to become lovers with the lovely Luna-ssi. We didn’t have any common topics to talk about, and I, who was having a hard academy life, wouldn’t have approached Luna-ssi.

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But even without me and the Messiah club, the Luna-ssi here made a friend who she got along with and was able to smile brightly. I think it’s definitely because of my gloomy personality that I feel relieved about that, but also a little disappointed. Isn’t that a manifestation of my desire to be someone Luna-ssi desperately needs?

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As I was thinking about that and following Luna-ssi, I felt a strange sense of incongruity. Luna-ssi’s walking posture was different from others because of her uncomfortable left side. If you look at her from behind, you could say she waddles a little like a duck? Luna-ssi had a lovely characteristic even in the way she walked.

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So, as her boyfriend, I could definitely tell whether it was Luna-ssi or not just by looking at her back. But the Luna-ssi who was walking with her friend in front of me now felt somehow unfamiliar. Yes, she was straightening her back and walking with a straight posture. Like a girl who had the etiquette of a noble ingrained in her body.

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The way her arms and legs moved with calculated precision made Luna-ssi feel like a stranger, so I couldn’t help but be very embarrassed. I pulled myself together and quietly followed her, observing Luna-ssi. I felt uneasy for some reason, but I tried to ignore it.

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Luna-ssi and her friend arrived at the academy’s library. Following them into the library, the warm air caressed my face and body, which had been stiffened by the cold. I wondered where the students who weren’t seen in the academy had gone, but it seems they were all gathered in the library. But because there were few students left in the academy during the vacation, there were several times more people who looked like citizens than students inside the library.

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It seemed that more people had come to the library with the intention of spending time in a warm place because it was a season with knife-like cold winds. It was free to use, and there were countless books to see, so there were several parents who had brought their children to the library. Like being inside a large bookstore in a department store, I could see people sitting at tables and stairs, and even in front of bookshelves, absorbed in reading.

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Luna-ssi and her friend headed to the corner labeled [Category: Romance]. I watched Luna-ssi looking at the newly arrived books and whispering to her friend with small smiles, and I was able to realize the identity of the incongruity with a dazed feeling as if I had been hit in the head with a blunt weapon while looking at Luna-ssi looking at the contents of the book.

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The Luna-ssi here used her left hand very naturally. She held the page she had turned with her thumb, and she also stroked the cover of the book. And when she chose a book and walked around with her friend to find a place to sit, her left hand was naturally lowered.

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The Luna-ssi I know didn’t just have problems using her hands. Because it was a problem with her brain, it was uncomfortable for her to use her left side, so it was difficult for her to even stretch her arm straight forward. So she always kept one arm bent inward and attached to her armpit, and she clenched her fist unless she was holding something in her hand because of the excessively tense muscles.

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But the Luna-ssi in front of me didn’t look like that at all. She didn’t keep her arm attached to her armpit, and she didn’t clench her fist. The posture that seemed like her shoulders were a little hunched was not visible. She was as ordinary as the other people using the library. She didn’t feel uncomfortable walking, and she wasn’t afraid that others would notice her disability.

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I blankly watched Luna-ssi, who was sitting with her friend in an empty seat and laughing silently while whispering, from the opposite table. Her bright smile, without a single dark corner, was very natural. It was a smile that seemed to show that she had grown up being very loved.

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That smile reminded me of when I first met Luna-ssi. Luna-ssi, who had a similar gloomy atmosphere to me, was like a kind of gloomy woman. But the Luna-ssi here is very bright and active, as if she’s a different person. Her confidence, which doesn’t fear the eyes of others, can be seen in her expression.

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The reason why Luna-ssi’s body became uncomfortable was because she injured her head in a horse riding accident. After the accident, Luna-ssi spent almost all of her time in her room because her body was uncomfortable, and her family said they were worried that her personality had become introverted, unlike before.

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But in this world, it seemed that Luna-ssi didn’t have a horse riding accident. That’s not a figure of overcoming a disability. She wasn’t injured in the first place. So, she didn’t have to lock herself in her room and suffer from depression, and she didn’t have to become introverted because she didn’t talk to people. She just grew up as a girl with a lively personality while receiving love from her family.

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As I was staring at Luna-ssi with a blank look, the friend sitting next to her noticed my gaze and made a playful expression, nudging Luna-ssi with her elbow and pointing at me with a nod. Luna-ssi, who met my eyes, turned her head and smiled silently with her friend, then brushed her hair behind her ear and gave me a faint smile.

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That made me come to my senses, and I got up from my seat and ran out of the library as if I was running away. At first, I followed her with the intention of talking to Luna-ssi… but I couldn’t do that at all. I felt like my heart would jump out of my mouth if I opened it. I ran out of the library without thinking, and I was finally able to catch my breath only after collapsing on a nearby bench.

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I think I know now what God prepared for the final Ross. Just like I was treated coldly by my parents and felt a terrible inferiority complex towards my brother, unlike the Rosses in other worlds for the sake of causality… Luna-ssi also had a disability due to a horse riding accident when she was young for some causality.

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Then, was it God’s plan that I met Luna-ssi? Was falling in love with Luna-ssi, loving Luna-ssi, all what God wanted from me?

The horse riding accident completely changed Luna-ssi’s life. A bright and fearless girl with a lively impression who could easily become friends with others turned into a depressed and taciturn girl. It’s not that Luna-ssi changed into a bright figure after meeting me. She just regained her original bright appearance.

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My heart is pounding wildly for a different reason than before. The image of Luna-ssi joking and laughing with her friend in an ordinary way was endlessly repeated in my head.