A Utilitarian Hero Can Only Endure Sadness Alone

…Everything was burning. Ash flowed down from the black smoke and the red sky created by the flames.

The end of the dense screams was despair. Only after a long time did I belatedly come to my senses even a little. My vision returned, and my throat, which had been screaming endlessly, hurt.

Following that, the smell of burning people and the sound of collapsing buildings. The footsteps and shouts of people could be heard. For some reason, my arm is heavy. When I lowered my gaze, I could see the corpse of a child covered in blood being held in my arms.

As I was blankly staring at the child, someone tapped my shoulder. When I listlessly raised my head, students wearing Transcendence uniforms were approaching, looking at me with worried eyes. They were 3rd and 4th year seniors who had been deployed to help the citizens after the battle ended.

“…?”

“…!”

They said something to me, but all I could hear was a buzzing sound that disappeared. I listlessly shook off the hand trying to lift me up, and handed the child in my arms to them without saying a word.

The seniors stared at me with my face full of tear stains, but didn’t ask any further and took the child’s corpse to another place.

Watching their backs, I staggered up from my spot. My whole body creaks. But the pain felt in my heart is greater than the pain in my body. Even breathing feels like excruciating pain.

Straightening my blurred mind, I picked up the Spear of Destruction lying on the floor. Passing by the people running urgently, I just walked without a destination. Forcibly giving strength to my neck bones to lower my gaze, I captured the world before my eyes.

I had to accept what had happened. Even if my heart collapsed, even if I didn’t understand it yet, I had to contain it. That was the cause and effect given to me.

Betrayal and guilt. The tragedy I created and the distorted hope weigh down on my whole body to an extent that the word “tormenting” is not enough.

Fragmented thoughts flow out of my mouth.

“Why… me….”

Why did I end up entering the world of the novel I created? And as not even a main character, but an extra supporting character. In the character of Ross, a lump of inferiority complex and expendable.

Is it a reason to make me feel how wrong the world I created is? I burst out laughing without realizing it. It was so obvious how I, the writer, would have written this incident where so many people died and were injured.

―Our hero who prevented the attack on the capital of Confession, replacing the incompetent capital guards. Thanks to Roel, the damage could be minimized. People praised Roel, and his reputation grew even higher.

But Roel was saddened by the fact that many people were injured, and donated what he had for those who had lost their homes. Flavia and Ilia comforted Roel, who was in sorrow.

Could I express the horror of this ruin with just two sentences? This ruin, where corpses are rolling around like trash on the streets and corpses are burned beyond recognition… I wouldn’t have imagined it. That’s why I wrote tragic stories without any guilt.

People die. The continent is destroyed. Demons kill all the people in the city.

I had never felt responsible for any of those things even once. It’s a tragedy created only for fun. Because of that, the main character suffers, and people die.

Maybe I’m alive right now to be punished.

“Ross.”

The footsteps heading towards the ruins stopped at the voice heard from behind. I slowly turned around and looked at the owner of the voice calling me with a warm voice as always.

I feel like I’ve been hit in the heart by the worry and regret contained in those blue eyes. I smiled faintly at the pain that made the heart valve tingle. It must have been a very dry smile.

“I’m sorry. I was too excited because I was in the middle of a battle earlier…. I never thought you would show up here. I shouted in a fit of anger without realizing it. I apologize.”

Roel approached me with the same face as usual and made eye contact. The man in front of me, who I thought I knew best, felt so unfamiliar that I could only stare at his eyes filled with peace. Perhaps accepting my silence as affirmation, Roel placed his hand on my shoulder in a friendly manner as usual.

“Confession escaped. Other guys showed up and saved them. But the Imperial Knights are chasing after them, so there will be good news. I should have killed at least one person here… It’s a shame, but I can’t help it.”

Roel, who wore a regretful smile, patted my shoulder and said.

“Let’s go back now. Other people will take care of the cleanup. I need to go back and get treatment too.”

At the sight of Roel showing his wound by raising the arm that patted my shoulder, I struggled to part my tingling lips.

A small murmur flowed out like a sigh.

“Why….”

“Huh?”

To Roel, who tilted his head as if he didn’t understand what I was saying, I pulled out all the breath from the bottom of my lungs and said.

“Why are you acting like nothing happened?”

Roel stared at me for a moment and then scratched his forehead. He frowned slightly, as if he didn’t know what to say.

“Ross. Even if I’m your hyung-nim, it’s hard to understand what you’re saying if you say it like that.”

At the playful smile added to that, I choked up and shouted.

“The child…!”

At my cry, the smile disappeared from Roel’s lips. I took a breath and spat out the unspoken words.

“You killed a child. With hyung-nim’s hands….”

After a moment of hesitation at my words, Roel said calmly.

“Yeah… I did. I killed a child with my own hands.”

“If I had helped, that child could have lived!”

At my words, Roel shook his head and lowered his gaze. After letting out a deep sigh, Roel raised his head and glared at me fiercely.

“I clearly told you. You don’t have to fight. Is it your hobby to leave the academy on your own and get into dangerous situations? Do you think I can keep saving you from danger? Is it that difficult to just stay in a safe place and act like everyone else? Please, don’t act like a child!”

I was momentarily speechless at Roel’s scolding. I’m acting like a child? I never asked Roel to be overprotective. It’s just Roel who’s arbitrarily trying to lock me up in a ranch like an obedient sheep. Hot breath flowed out. I frowned at Roel and raised my voice.

“Have you forgotten that I was the one who saved Bella when hyung-nim wasn’t there? I’m not in danger. I’m the top of the first year and the top of the combat department. I’m not a moron who can’t do anything and only receives help!”

“It’s stupid to think you can handle Confession! You’re still a weak little brother! Please, know your place!”

At Roel’s words, the inferiority complex at the very bottom of my emotions surged up like an explosion.

“You’re just acting arbitrarily because you belatedly want to play the role of a brother. Because you want to relieve your guilt!”

After shouting that, I grabbed Roel’s collar roughly and added in a low voice.

“Don’t tell me you killed the child because you didn’t want to be helped by a little brother who’s a lump of inferiority complex?”

Roel grabbed my arm that was grabbing his collar. And he came closer to me with a clearly angry face.

“Don’t talk nonsense! If you had gotten any closer in that situation, you could have fallen into that guy’s illusion and the situation could have gotten worse! I might have had to kill not only the child, but even you with my own hands!”

After saying that, Roel bit his lip and suppressed his anger, then said in a low tone as if trying to persuade me.

“If I could have saved the child, I would have. But look around! Even after seeing this ruin created by Confession, don’t you understand? If we don’t kill them here, it’s obvious that even greater damage will occur…. Don’t you really understand that I did my best?”

Roel, covered in wounds and dirt, gestured to his condition with a face full of resentment.

It is an undeniable fact that Roel fought hard. But killing an innocent child in an instant without even thinking about saving them was not the Roel I knew.

“…You should have at least tried to save the child. That’s the Roel I know. You’re not the kind of person who tries to kill them along with the villain without any hesitation.”

At my mumbling, Roel swept his face once and sighed. Roel looked straight at me and said.

“…That’s why I can’t trust you. Because you still only have a half-hearted mind.”

“What…?”

At my question, Roel said in a voice scolding a foolish younger brother.

“Confession are experts who even those who have entered the realm of Transcendence can’t guarantee victory or defeat against. The cult is a place where several of those guys are gathered! What do you think will happen if they attack the capital and the academy all at once? More people will die than now, incomparably more…. Not just one child, but hundreds, thousands of children will die!”

As if pouring out the emotions he had been suppressing, Roel gasped for a moment. Roel, who had been pressing his eyes with both hands, lowered his hands.

“I’ve dreamed of being a hero for a long time. That’s why I came to the academy. To protect precious people and to fulfill my dream of becoming a hero for everyone.”

Roel strode closer. Roel, who grabbed my collar, muttered while glaring as if to kill me.

“If I can save tens of thousands of people in the future by killing one child, I will act the same way even if the same situation occurs. Even if you never understand this side of me, I won’t change. Because that’s the justice I’ve decided to walk.”

Roel is a utilitarian hero. A person who strives for the happiness of all. He overcomes endless tragedies and trials and sacrifices himself, and even fails to refuse the sacrifice of his beloved lover in order to save the world. Even so, he is a wounded hero who lives his whole life in regret and longing for his dead lover.

If the weight in me is tilted towards the club members, Roel’s weight is tilted towards the happiness of all. It was because of that unwavering justice that he killed Ross, who had sold his soul to the Demon King.

Now there was something that came into my eyes. Roel’s palms, which were grabbing my collar, were full of scratch marks.

His hands are full of traces of trying to endure sadness and pain alone.

Roel didn’t not grieve over the child’s death.

He just didn’t shed tears like me and didn’t express his sadness.

The wounded hero had only added one more stake to the deepest part of his heart.

A pain that will not end as long as his heart beats.

Thinking of it as atonement.