April 29 (Friday) Yuta Asamura

April

29

Friday – Asamura Yuta

Even though I was in the middle of a university lecture, I couldn’t quite concentrate.

I believe the worst side effect of guilt is that it slowly and steadily erodes the mind over time. This mental erosion spreads throughout the body like a thinly stretched rubber, gradually adding weight, like increasing the load by one gram at a time, making my head and body feel heavier. And while I remain vaguely aware of my fatigue, I find myself unconsciously letting out a sigh, as if something is being expelled from my mouth.

It had been a few days since I was consulted by Akiko, my stepmother, about wanting to have a child, yet I continued to be affected by her words. It was as if I was being reminded of my own baseness every day.

I genuinely think that having a child between my current parents would be a wonderful and happy thing. The calm part of my brain, located at the very surface, makes that judgment, where no negative emotions can arise.

However, deep down, in the innermost core, there is a sensation that something “dirty” born from instinct suddenly surfaces. It’s like throwing a stone into a seemingly clean lake, causing the mud settled at the bottom to rise into view.

At unexpected moments, without any thought intervening, I naturally associate “such acts” with them.

Of course, I’m not imagining or fantasizing in detail. I wouldn’t want to think about such things even for a moment. I would never want to see my family as something lewd; rather, I want to erase any inappropriate thoughts that accidentally arise immediately. Yet, just seeing Akiko or my father at home makes me reflexively associate them with those thoughts. And each time, even if just for a moment, I feel disgusted with myself for projecting such things in my mind, suffocated by a muddy sense of guilt. It was something they had seriously consulted me about, so why do I end up making such associations?

If it were only about my parents, it would be somewhat bearable. …No, it’s not good, but at least I can assert that it’s just a reflexive association and not my own desire.

What troubles me the most is when I find myself associating “such acts” during the time spent with Ayase-san.

Even just holding hands or feeling her warmth and scent makes me overly conscious, and I feel that our everyday conversations have become somewhat awkward, leaving me aware of my lack of concentration.

Come to think of it, we haven’t done much that couples typically do lately.

Due to the entrance exams and the chaotic days surrounding graduation and enrollment, we hadn’t created that kind of atmosphere. Even now that things have settled down, the inertia from that period has left us without even a kiss.

How can we get back to that kind of atmosphere again?

I recall the day we touched each other’s bare skin. If we confirm with each other that it’s okay to do so, just like that time… but then again, proposing it suddenly without any context is… Ugh, it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating, and I hate that I’m thinking about such things during a university lecture, feeling so base and lacking in concentration.

After the morning lecture, I was invited by Nakamura and Kikuchi to have lunch at the student cafeteria. On the way there, I was so lost in thought that I barely registered their conversation. I ordered the lotus root tempura udon (light yet a good way to get the root vegetables I often lack) and headed to an empty terrace seat. While waiting for Nakamura, who was indecisively pondering over his choices, and Kikuchi, who moved slowly, I mindlessly slurped my noodles.

…No, “mindless” is a lie.

I was trying to be mindless, but every time I caught sight of students chatting in male-female pairs, those infamous associations would arise again. At this point, I began to worry that I might be suffering from some kind of illness.

“What’s wrong, Yuta? You’ve been sighing a lot. You’re going to turn into a mummy!”

“Mummies lose water, not souls, you know.”

“Oh, nice one. A clever comeback. Your flavor is coming out!”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

I had gotten used to Nakamura’s banter. After spending a few days together, I could see the surface of what kind of person he was.

Thinking back, it was the same when I first met Ayase-san. It was about a week after we started living together that we began to see what kind of people we were and shared a bit of our backgrounds.

“……!”

A week. Remembering the events that occurred around that time, I recalled her breath and warmth felt so close to me in my darkened room, and I almost choked.

Seeing my reaction, Nakamura said, “Aha, so it’s a girl trouble, huh?”

“Huh? Why?”

“There’s no need to ask. What kind of worries would a university student have other than girls or gambling?”

That was a rather biased choice.

With eyes sparkling like a boy’s, Nakamura leaned in eagerly.

“Is it a girlfriend? Or is it about a shop? Don’t worry, both are top-tier. The food in Tokyo is bad, but the girls are decent. If you want to lose your virginity, I’ll help you find a good place!”

“N-No, let’s skip that. I mean, it’s about… my girlfriend.”

After thinking for a moment, I decided to be honest.

“Oh! No way… is it an erotic kind of worry?”

“…A little.”

“Really? Come on, tell me!”

His eagerness intensified.

I hadn’t expected him to be so interested. His high energy was surprising, and I couldn’t help but smile wryly.

I had never interacted with someone as open as Nakamura before. I didn’t particularly like superficial people.

I didn’t mind humorous innuendos like those from my senpai at the bookstore, which didn’t hint at sexual desires, but I couldn’t stand raw topics like who did what with whom or what kind of acts they liked. I found such discussions disrespectful, as if they didn’t see the other person as a human being.

However, perhaps I had matured a bit, or maybe it was Nakamura’s way of speaking, which conveyed no sense of shame despite the rawness of the topic, or perhaps it was because university was a space separated from home and the important people I didn’t want to misunderstand, that I felt I could expose a little of my “dirty side” here.

In any case, I felt that I could talk about my current worries here… that’s how I felt.

“Wait, what? What’s this about?”

Kikuchi, who had come with a tray wafting the aroma of European-style curry, seemed to sense the strange atmosphere and asked with a puzzled expression.

“It’s an erotic story. Yuta here is apparently worried about his girlfriend.”

That was too blunt. I wished he would stop using that expression.

“Wait, you have a girlfriend? Wow, I’m jealous…”

He looked at me as if I were something disgusting.

Honestly, I wondered if there was anything to be jealous of. Nakamura often boasted about his exploits with women, so that was a given, but Kikuchi, despite his gloomy demeanor, had a decent appearance and seemed well-groomed, likely to attract attention.

If he were to be jealous, it meant he probably didn’t have a girlfriend, but it seemed he could find someone if he wanted to.

…But putting Kikuchi’s situation aside.

“I’ll keep the details vague, but, um, I’ve been dating this girl since before the entrance exams. During my study period, we didn’t really do anything that felt like that… and now that it’s been a while, I’m not sure how to bring it up when I want to invite her to do that.”

I explained while trying to soften the words.

“Wait, you’re not getting any action for months? I get it, you’re a master of self-service, huh! Only a master!”

“Ah, yeah, let’s keep our voices down.”

“Oh, my bad.”

I was taken aback by his response, which was three times more vulgar than I had imagined. I regretted opening up about my sexual troubles to this guy.

“Well, since it’s a serious worry, I’ll listen. So, how far have you gotten with her?”

“A kiss, and maybe just touching skin, I guess.”

“Still no home run, huh? Well then, it’s not really a dry spell.”

“Well, yeah. It’s not so much that it’s been a while, but rather that I simply don’t know what comes next, so I’m unsure how to take that first step.”

I see, verbalizing it is important.

As we talked, I felt like I was beginning to see the true nature of my worries.

The skinship we had done so far and what lay ahead seemed like an extension of each other, yet they were clearly different.

“Nakamura, you’re experienced in this kind of thing, right?”

“Of course! I’ve been with half the class by the time I was fifteen.”

“Ew, that’s gross. There’s no way that’s true…”

Kikuchi, who had been silent until now, chimed in with a quiet remark.

“Shut up. It’s just banter. But as a life senior, I’ll teach you, you two. Both of you have the mentality of ‘there’s no way we can do it.’”

“That’s none of your business. Go die of an STD.”

Kikuchi shot him a look of utter disdain.

However, I found myself intrigued by Nakamura’s words.

“What makes you think… um, that we seem like we can’t take that step?”

“Wait, Asamu, are you really interested?”

Kikuchi looked at me with a surprised expression. Even if he looked at me like a traitor, I hoped he would understand since it was personal. Also, I had somehow been given the nickname Asamu. I guess it was because I was Yuma and called him Yuta, which felt awkward, but it was a new type of nickname for me, so I was a bit unaccustomed to it.

Seeing my forward posture, Nakamura grinned.

“Good curiosity,” he said, raising his index finger as if he were a teacher. “You know, no one starts with words like ‘Shall we begin?’”

“…So it’s about going with the flow, or the atmosphere?”

“Exactly.”

“Not using words seems like it would be really difficult… If I start without getting consent, that’s not good.”

“Words are only needed for the final confirmation, just one exchange is enough. ‘Is this okay?’ ‘Yeah, it is!’ That’s all! Nothing else is needed.”

“Really…”

That felt like a completely foreign sensation.

What’s the right timing to ask if it’s okay?

When I voiced my doubt, Nakamura looked puzzled.

“You can tell just by touching.”

“Touching… like with hands?”

“Hands are fine, but hair, legs, neck, face, back, butt—anything is good. If you’re flirting, you’ll touch, right?”

“Even if you say touching is a prerequisite…”

“That! That’s the characteristic of someone who can’t do it. Touching a girl is completely normal. If you touch somewhere on her body and she doesn’t pull away, and her eyes go all dreamy while she gazes at you, that’s usually a green light! Everyone does it.”

“No way, no way, no way.”

To speak so definitively about something that seems to have many interpretations was surprising.

When I was in Suisei High School, I didn’t have anyone like this around, so it was too rare and oddly impressive.

If I had to compare, Nara-zaka was somewhat close, but she was a bit more considerate than she appeared, while Nakamura’s lack of delicacy felt refreshingly new.

“Look, there are plenty of women who dislike being touched. Especially hair and face, since hairstyles and makeup can get messed up.”

“That’s unacceptable. It’s absolutely wrong to do something the other person dislikes. That’s the lowest.”

“…Right? So, if I touch without confirming, that’s not good…”

“No, no, no, that’s not it. If she doesn’t like it, just say sorry. That’s the end of it. She’s your girlfriend, after all.”

Nakamura’s nonchalant tone struck a chord with me.

I felt a sense of déjà vu, as if I had encountered a similar value somewhere before. It reminded me of the first three-way meeting after my father remarried.

It was when I was pondering whether Akiko, my stepmother, could really read a man’s hidden intentions. What followed was this phrase:

“If you make a mistake, you just have to say ‘I’m sorry.’”

How cunning, I thought back then.

Of course, I shouldn’t touch a random girl walking down the street, I thought jokingly, while considering Nakamura’s words.

I recalled the day Ayase-san and I first kissed. With a pumpkin candlelight between us, gazing into each other’s eyes, how many words did we exchange in that moment?

“I’ll cast a curse on you too smart kids to make you act like fools.”

Professor Kudo’s curse echoed in my mind.

If I had truly been under that spell at that time, the reason I could step forward without needing many words was… And the reason, as Nakamura said, that most couples could start their nighttime activities without being taught by anyone was…

“Fools, huh… That’s it, it’s because we’re fools…”

“Huh?”

“…………………”

Puff.

As I came to this realization and lifted my face, Nakamura looked taken aback, while Kikuchi burst into laughter.

…Huh?

“Did I just say something weird?”

“Asamu, you’re the best. Hehe.”

“Hey, that’s not fair!?

I was trying to give you heartfelt advice!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean you were a fool, Nakamura.”

“Ahaha.”

The more I tried to explain, the more it seemed to amuse Kikuchi, who was now shaking with laughter.

I felt a little lighter.

While I still hadn’t found a clear breakthrough on what to do, just the atmosphere of being able to talk about such topics openly was a relief. It might sound exaggerated, but I felt somewhat saved.

Ah, I’m not the only lowest man out there.

I thought it was a rather decadent way of thinking. If everyone around me is the lowest, then I can be the lowest too, and I’d probably get scolded by someone with ambition. My real mother would surely be angry, saying that it’s unacceptable to flow with the low tide. But I didn’t want to lie to myself about how I was being healed by this silly conversation.

Inspired by Akiko’s words, there are moments when I find myself imagining Ayase-san in such a way… and that is undoubtedly the true, unembellished Asamura Yuta.

Then, during the time before the next class started, the three of us continued our sexual banter.

As if to get back at us for calling him an idiot, Nakamura spoke in a tone reminiscent of a ghost story, “You know, if you don’t get it on while you’re all lovey-dovey and hot for each other, your girlfriend might get taken by another guy if you leave her hanging.”

It seemed that this was based on his own experiences, and although he had started the conversation, he was clearly affected by it. From there, it turned into a session of listening to Nakamura recount his heartbreak stories, filled with tears and laughter, while Kikuchi and I chimed in with our comments.

However, Nakamura’s tales were so specific that they didn’t seem like lies, yet they were so numerous that it was hard to believe his life had spanned the same length of time as ours. I felt he seemed a bit more mature, but perhaps he had repeated a year or two and was actually older than us?

I was curious, but there never seemed to be a good moment to ask, so I let it go for now. I’ll have to find a better opportunity to ask him about it next time.