episode_0054

“Belka, are you really not going to eat?”

“Yeah, I don’t feel like eating anything today.”

Usher and Belka had returned to the carriage they were staying in. Usher was eating some white grain-like emergency rations from the bag he had entrusted to the horses, given to him by the wolves, but Belka refused to eat even that, saying she had no appetite. The wolves had also given them jerky, but after seeing such a scene today, she couldn’t bring herself to touch it. Still, this white grain-like thing was somewhat tasty even when chewed raw. He didn’t know what kind of grain it was, but it tasted sweet, making it feel more like a snack than a meal.

“Hey, about that rabbit today.”

Usher cautiously opened his mouth, watching the girl’s expression, when he felt he was mostly full. She was looking at a book without any reaction, but he knew that meant it was okay to talk.

“What happened?”

Usher knew that Rogi had no ill intentions in giving Belka the rabbit. It was obvious that it was even an act full of goodwill. If boys were going to bully girls, they would catch frogs or bugs and give them as gifts, not go to the trouble of catching a rabbit that was difficult to catch alone. Still, he was about to say something because he resented the way Rogi was trying to get on Belka’s good side, but Usher forgot what he was going to say when he saw her looking sad.

He knew Belka didn’t dislike animals. He was even aware that she liked spiders and insects, which most people would hate, enough to stroke them without hesitation, so he was taken aback by her sadness. The rabbit’s behavior was also very strange. Rogi thought she didn’t want to receive it because she looked sad and tried to let go of the rabbit, but the rabbit suddenly thrashed and snuggled up to the girl on its own. Belka, who had accepted such a rabbit, was sad, but that’s how he knew.

“Belka knew the rabbit was going to die, didn’t she?”

That she knew the rabbit would die the moment Rogi handed it to her. But if so, it was even stranger. The girl liked them so much, yet she was rather indifferent to death. She seemed to be resigned to the fact that it was natural and unavoidable. Still, she had never been as sad as when the rabbit died this time.

“What was the problem?”

At his words, the girl finally closed her book and looked at him.

“He’s not at fault. If there’s a problem, it’s with me. That’s all.”

Usher wanted to ask why it was her problem, but he couldn’t say anything at the sight of her smiling like shattered glass. Today, Belka’s words were even more difficult to understand.

“Oh, what am I going to do about this?”

Donar clutched his head, thinking about Rogi, who had said he wouldn’t eat dinner and went to the carriage. He was already troubled by what happened with Pan and Sif, but his head was aching with unnecessary guilt because that incident happened because of his advice. What a coincidence that roast rabbit was served for dinner. He knew that if there was freshly caught game, it would be made into food as soon as possible to boost morale and the leftovers would be stored, but it was too much of a burden for those who had experienced such a thing earlier. As he was silently groaning, unable to eat dinner, his friends came to visit.

“What’s wrong? You’re not even touching your food.”

“Where did the kids who eat with you go?”

It was Shalby, Odur, and Thruss.

“I, is something wrong?”

Thruss often skipped dinner to check on the patients. Seeing him come with those two meant that people must have been nagging him again. He knew that people were on edge because of what happened, but putting those two former prison guards next to him was no different from openly saying they were being suspected. Donar knew that alcohol was strictly prohibited while traveling, but he wanted to drink today more than ever.

“Well, you see.”

Donar told those who gathered around him about what happened between Rogi and the children. He vividly recounted the advice he had given Rogi and even the fact that Hildisvíni had chewed up the rabbit alive.

“I, I suddenly feel sick.”

Thruss covered his mouth, and Odur silently put down the roast rabbit he was eating. In Shalby’s case.

“Don’t talk about that when people are eating! You bastard!”

“Just because I’m wearing armor doesn’t mean you can stab me with a skewer!”

“It doesn’t matter, you’re wearing armor!”

He spat out the rabbit meat he was eating and stabbed him with the skewer he had used to cook the roast rabbit.

“Ugh, so what do you think I should do?”

Anyway, Donar asked them for their opinions on whether they could help Rogi to end things smoothly, even if they couldn’t help him achieve his love.

“I don’t think there’s anything you can do.”

“Isn’t it already over at this point?”

“Ah, I don’t think it’s possible no matter how I think about it.”

As expected, he didn’t get any good answers at all.

“He’s already done enough to be hated. Rogi had something bad happen with that girl too. There’s no hope.”

Odur, one of the few people who knew what happened between Rogi and Belka, said, and Shalby nodded.

“Besides, he already has someone he’s dating, right? It’s not like they’re not getting along, and it’s so obvious that they care about each other, so it’s impossible to interfere.”

Well, Donar thought so too, so there was no way they wouldn’t think the same. Realizing that it was a confirmation of death, all that was left between them was the overcooked roast rabbits that had been taken out of the fire because they looked like they were about to burn.

“So what do we do with this now?”

“””….”””

A gurgling sound echoed between them, but in the end, no one could bring themselves to touch the roast rabbit. Eventually, they went to the person in charge of meals and asked them to exchange it for the fish they had caught earlier. In the process, the gazes of those who looked at them as if they were cute were truly embarrassing. Ignoring those gazes, they were about to return to their seats when.

“Mr. Donar, I have something to say.”

Sif, whom they thought wouldn’t come out of the carriage, whispered those words as she passed by him. Donar thought that it wasn’t the time to be worrying about others. Soon, dinner was over, and people began to enter their carriages or tents, looking forward to tomorrow.

“Donar, aren’t you going in?”

“Ah, I just want to get some more fresh air.”

“Then we’ll go in first.”

Donar, who had seen off his friends who told him to be sure to clean up the brazier after using it, looked around for a moment. Everyone had already cleaned up the brazier and returned, but he could still hear the lingering smell of the oil used in the brazier, the smell of rabbit meat, and the boisterous voices of the people. The vermilion color of the sunset that had remained in the sky had already been pushed out by the darkness of the night sky, and small stars had taken its place. It was time for the people who had entered the carriages to fall asleep.

As he was still sitting there without turning off the brazier. Finally, he heard the sound of someone’s footsteps crunching on the sand. Donar didn’t bother to look back.

“Are you coming now? It seems too late to have a conversation.”

“I’m sorry. I needed some time to sort things out.”

In response to Donar’s words, it was Sif’s voice that he had been waiting for so eagerly. She didn’t stop walking towards this place and slowly approached. And she sat across from him, with the brazier between them, covered in a thick blanket because of the cold night weather. At that sight, he clicked his tongue.

“See? It’s getting cold. I don’t care, but you should have come out earlier.”

“Hehe, I guess so. In that sense, can I have that ginger tea I had back then again?”

“Was that what you were aiming for? Just wait a moment.”

Fortunately, it was right in front of the old man’s carriage, so he quickly brought the ginger, cups, and kettles from the driver’s seat. Since there was still a brazier that hadn’t been turned off, he immediately boiled water in the kettle there. Then, the traces of the mealtime that still lingered and made the air flutter were buried in the spicy and strong ginger scent, and the fluttering air was calmly calmed down. It was a good atmosphere to share stories that they hadn’t been able to share due to various events. He decided to open his mouth first, rather than waiting for Sif to open her mouth.

“Since when? When did you start experiencing such things?”

He didn’t know how to beat around the bush. He always acted honestly and was quite straightforward. Because of that, his voice, which often earned him the reputation of being oblivious, sounded surprisingly dry and cracked even to his own ears. It seemed that trying to compose himself had backfired.

At the very least, it had been a year.

Sif, who often helped Thruss with his patients, was a good target for Pan. Pan used Thruss’s medicine to put her to sleep for a while, and when he felt that her body was used to it. He deliberately violated her until she woke up. So that she couldn’t resist. As if that wasn’t enough, he used magic to control her body and forced her to do acts full of humiliation and disgrace. As Donar listened to Sif’s stories, he wanted to cover his ears.

But he couldn’t. That was the sadness that Sif was spitting out, risking shame, fear, and self-disgust, and it was Donar’s responsibility.

“I said that at the trial, but I still don’t know.”

The one who violated me all that time was Thruss’s face, and I was treated like a toy whenever he felt like it. I still see that face in my dreams and it torments me. It’s hard to sleep. I’m afraid that someone will touch my body without me knowing, so I toss and turn and check every inch of my body every time I wake up. Just seeing Thruss makes my skin crawl and makes me want to wash my body as if bugs are crawling on it. But water is precious, so I can’t even wash myself as much as I want, and I feel like I’m going crazy. Is my memory correct? Is Pan really the culprit? More than anything.

“Am I even sane?”

Sif’s lament continued without interruption, eventually ending with self-doubt. Donar didn’t even know what to say to comfort her. He resented himself for not being good with words at times like this. Did he even have the right to comfort her in the first place?

“Sob, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just talk about myself like this.”

She was crying. She didn’t have the face to see that person. The promise he had made to protect her had collapsed in vain and weighed down on his shoulders. She was suffering so much, but what had he been doing? His heart ached. Each drop of her tears was a dagger stabbing his heart. After hesitating, Donar was about to offer words of comfort, but Sif spoke faster.

“Thank you for listening to my story.”

She said, as if telling him not to say anything, as if drawing a line between them.

“There’s one last thing I want to ask.”

Sif’s last words sounded like she was saying goodbye. Donar took Sif’s outstretched hand and walked as she led him. He thought he had to clean up the brazier, but Donar couldn’t let go of her hand. The place they arrived at was an empty carriage. This place, which had been used as a food storage and where Thruss had been imprisoned, was now empty with only a small amount of straw left.

As Donar wondered why she had brought him to such a place, with only the moonlight seeping in through the window illuminating the inside of the carriage. Sif unraveled the blanket she had been covering herself with until now. And Donar was taken aback by the sight that was revealed.

“You, you don’t mean you’ve been doing that all this time?”

Under the blanket, Sif was wearing only underwear made of white cloth. She had been talking to him outside, covered with only a blanket, in a state that was almost naked? His concern was short-lived, and his gaze was captured by her skin, which dimly reflected the moonlight, as if it were the sad nature of men. And the scars engraved on that skin made it impossible for him to look away. Even if he wanted to pretend not to know what Pan had been doing to her all this time, he couldn’t because her body was full of scratches and bruises.

Among them, the scars that stood out more than the scars that were created by forced intercourse were the scars that seemed to have been repeatedly inflicted before the wound had healed. Those masochistic scars were telling how much she had been suffering. Even so, he turned his head away because he was resentful and distressed by the rising lust.

“It’s so hideous that it’s hard to look at, right?”

Her words, uttered bitterly, grabbed his head.

“I’m not pregnant, but my body is no different from that of a worn-out prostitute.”

Sif was being self-deprecating, but she didn’t know. That her words were not only hurting herself, but also leaving scars.

“While I was being violated by that person, I wished that even just once, the person doing that to me wasn’t him, but you.”

Even though she knew it was a foolish wish. Donar’s heart ached at Sif’s confession, which was like a worn-out, festering wound. Sif didn’t know. The expression hidden behind this helmet, which always covered, protected, and hid his face, making him a trustworthy knight. Nevertheless, he himself could tell. The tears that were running down his cheeks. Tears that he couldn’t show to anyone.

“But it was a stupid wish after all, wasn’t it?”

He couldn’t just listen to her anymore. He couldn’t leave her sad, laughing words, which had already determined that it couldn’t be achieved. He grabbed his helmet with both hands. He hadn’t properly taken off this helmet since he became an adult because of the rules of his hometown. His hometown, Pasiphaea, was unnecessarily good at making armor that could be worn comfortably even in real life, so he couldn’t even tell if he was wearing armor or not, so he could just open and close the visor of the helmet when he ate.

He hadn’t properly taken it off unless he was taking a shower. This armor was a shackle and a prison that made them trustworthy soldiers and knights who worked for the country and for someone they didn’t even know. Eventually, he grabbed the helmet and threw it back. The sound of his empty helmet bouncing off the wall of the carriage and rolling on the floor echoed inside the carriage, and he saw Sif looking at him with a surprised expression.

He didn’t know when he was wearing it, but now that he had taken off the helmet, he could feel that it wasn’t as good as taking it off, no matter how comfortable the armor was made. He could feel the refreshing air touching his face after a long time.

“Mr. Donar…?”

Sif stared blankly at his face without the helmet. When he took off the helmet, which he had never taken off until now, the emotionless, blunt, and trustworthy knight’s appearance disappeared. Instead, what was left was a man wearing armor that didn’t fit his body, crying like a child and acting clumsy. He had definitely seen his face several times when he was eating. Why did it feel so unfamiliar? But she didn’t hate that unfamiliar feeling.

Wouldn’t he look at her strangely if she said she felt happy? Sif couldn’t speak when she saw Donar crying. He silently approached her. Sif, who had been a little slow to react because she was distracted by his unfamiliar face, was already in his arms when she realized it. He had only taken off his helmet, so her bare skin touched his armor. The armor he was wearing was so cold that it felt like it was made of ice. He had been living wearing such cold armor.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were going through such terrible things. I really… I promised that person that I would protect you.”

Under the armor of the knight whom Sif had always thought was trustworthy, there was a man suffering so much from unbearable responsibility.

“I’m not as cool as you think. No matter how hard I try, I can’t even protect one person I like.”

At the confession that came out of him crying, Sif’s eyes widened with a pounding heart. Donar, who had always been hiding his weak self in an inevitable prison and armor and had been constantly trying to become a cool knight for her. He was now releasing a part of that prison and revealing his weak self to her. She was now able to realize that she had unknowingly always wanted him to be a cool knight. For him, her existence was another prison.

“What kind of face am I supposed to show that person and you?”

He was never a trustworthy knight. He was just a pathetic person trapped in a heavy sense of responsibility, unable to escape from the armor that was no different from a prison. She had been acting like a spoiled child to a man who was suffering so much alone. Only then did Sif realize that just as her gaze had never left Donar, he had always been watching her. He felt the same way as her.

They had always been looking at each other, but they had been ignoring each other’s feelings. Because the wounds they were already carrying were too big, it was too painful and scary to bear someone else’s wounds together. When Sif broke that balance, Donar also broke down the wall. She hugged him, who was crying without even making a sound, so that he could cry as much as he wanted for him, who had lived a hard life.