episode_0043

“By that person-nim? But I…”

Shif was confused. That person-nim said that? To say she was special, there were many in this caravan who had gone through similar circumstances or unfair things as her. No, almost everyone had experienced such things at least once, which was why Shif was naturally accepted by them and felt comfortable around them. So she thought she was just one of the people saved by that person-nim.

“I knew your situation.”

“Did you hear that from that person-nim too?”

Until she heard those words from Donar.

“Hmm, that person-nim thought you would hate them for telling the story without permission.”

She could tell just by looking at Donar’s actions. That person-nim must have hesitated for a long time even to tell the story to the tight-lipped Donar. Then, out of worry for Shif, they must have reluctantly told him. Because the person-nim she knew was like that. She felt like a fool for having thought just moments before that she wasn’t special to that person-nim.

“…Still, I don’t hate that person-nim.”

Thinking back, they had treated her like their own daughter, even though she hadn’t received love from her mother, let alone a father. At that time, she hadn’t realized it, but from that person-nim, she learned about the existence of a father, something she had never even imagined, and could finally imagine it. She had simply given up. Believing that because many people had been saved by that person-nim and because that person-nim had pursuits, there was no reason to care about her. Only now, being far away, did she realize that person-nim’s awkward father-like appearance.

“But still, it’s frustrating.”

Her tears dripped onto the coachman’s seat floor.

“Wait! A-Are you crying?”

Even at Donar’s flustered voice, she couldn’t easily stop her tears.

The reason she came to like Donar was, in a way, simple. Life in a place where Shif’s circumstances weren’t special was comfortable, if not perfect, and that person-nim had filled her empty heart, which she thought could never be filled. Then, a special person appeared. Every time Donar met her by chance, he treated her kindly, helped her before anyone else when she had difficulties, and listened silently when she had worries. The reason Shif came to like Donar was, in a way, simple.

It wasn’t that others weren’t kind to her, but Donar, in particular, showed great favor towards Shif.

Because there was no reason for him to have more favor towards her than that, his favor felt even more special, and she came to hope, ‘Perhaps it’s because he harbors special feelings for me?’ In the end, when his presence in her daily life became natural. He became special to her. But when she realized that all of Donar’s favor and kindness were because of that person-nim’s request, she felt ashamed of herself. But because of that, she made a decision.

“Feeling a bit better?”

At his kindness in offering a handkerchief without even asking why she was crying, she told herself, ‘It’s just a simple misunderstanding,’ while her heart thumped, and she stood up.

“Shif?”

She did not accept the handkerchief he offered. His questioning gaze made her hesitate, but she hardened her resolve.

“There’s something I want to show you.”

Saying that, Shif led him to the front of a carriage.

“That’s Trus’s carriage, isn’t it?”

Yes, according to that man’s orders, Shif should have guided someone to draw attention or prevent anyone from coming here until morning, but now it didn’t matter. Orders like that didn’t seem to have much binding force unless the man was watching directly anyway.

“Why here?”

She didn’t answer Donar’s question directly. It was almost time for the sun to rise. That man wouldn’t have expected her to directly defy his orders, would he? She opened the carriage door, and the damp smell of sweat and a fishy odor, which had filled the carriage mixed with the sleeping incense always burned lately and the pungent smell of medicinal herbs, wafted out. At that terrible smell, she scoffed at the man, thinking he must have been having quite a party, not knowing he was about to be betrayed by her.

“What is this smell… hah?”

The scene Donar saw upon following her in was a sight one wouldn’t believe unless they saw it themselves. The patients asleep on the beds looked the same as usual. However, in one spot, the figures of a man and a girl who couldn’t help but stand out were visible. The man, Trus, naked and asleep face down, and the naked girl he was covering as if crushing her. The red hair of an exquisite color flowing out like blood from beneath him told who the girl beneath Trus was.

Morning dawned with the sun rising and a fierce wind blowing. The people who would have been bustling preparing for breakfast were gathered in quiet silence. The voices heard occasionally were only the whispers of those who were displeased or puzzled by this situation and atmosphere. Amidst that, the old man’s stern voice resounded.

“Trus, is what Shif said and what Donar witnessed true?”

In the center of the people, Trus was tied tightly with ropes, hanging his head. The gazes people directed at him were varied. Looks of disbelief, contempt, or fear. If there was a common point, it was that everyone without exception saw him as a criminal. Early in the morning, the news delivered to the people was truly shocking. The news that Trus had raped one of the children accompanying them on this journey while she was asleep. Even if she was an outsider, there was no one who didn’t know what that crime meant in their homeland.

“I asked if it was truly true!”

“….”

Trus did not answer. A heavy and stifling silence settled among the people. The old man, who had opened a brief trial saying the crime had not yet been confirmed, was faced with witnesses and accusers who were the trusted Donar and Shif, whom everyone, though they didn’t say it, considered that person-nim’s daughter. Furthermore, the crime he was apprehended for was raping a young girl accompanying the caravan while she was asleep. As it was a caravan with a large number of women and children, the gazes directed at Trus, tied up in the center, were even fiercer.

“Say something, anything!”

“….”

Perhaps it was because of Trus’s silent appearance? Even when the old man’s shouting flew in, his answer did not return. Just as the trial made no progress in silence, only the people’s silent resentment towards the man who wouldn’t speak grew louder.

“Hey old man, there’s a witness and the circumstances are clear. Why are you dragging this out?”

It was the voice of a man full of dissatisfaction that cut in from among the people. The owner of that voice was Pan, one of the patients who had been sleeping in Trus’s carriage. He didn’t look fully recovered yet, but seeing him walking and acting normally, he seemed almost recovered.

“Pan.”

The old man, seeing him, frowned and glared at him. He was like a time bomb that could go off anywhere. There was no telling what kind of action he would take this time to obstruct the fair trial. He was a man who usually caused trouble due to his behavior, but this time, people inwardly agreed with his words. Since Trus wasn’t speaking, the trial wasn’t progressing. Staying in such a heavy atmosphere for a long time wasn’t welcome for adults either, let alone children. It was almost time for a meal, so people’s dissatisfaction was severe.

“There were also plenty of traces of having had a blast, Donar and Shif saw it, and you yourself checked it once, didn’t you? Isn’t it already clear?”

The old man felt his wrinkles deepen at his words. Yes, the circumstances and witnesses were too clear. Since the person involved said nothing, time was only being prolonged, and as a result, the dissatisfaction and antipathy of the people gathered because of this issue only grew larger.

“It’s been a long time since I could eat properly and move around. I want to eat quickly, that’s what I’m saying.”

“Tsk.”

The old man finally clicked his tongue. As expected, Pan was not good for things like this in many ways.

“There’s no help for it. The trial will be postponed to this evening, after dinner.”

At the old man’s words, people didn’t openly rejoice, but they inwardly cheered and began preparing for the meal. The old man watched them and then looked at Pan. Seeing him now, it was hard to believe, but Pan hadn’t originally been a man like that. If he had been that character from the start, he wouldn’t have even been able to accompany this caravan. He had a somewhat diligent personality, and even when he did something problematic, it was mostly things that would end as a joke. The problem began one day. His words and actions no longer ended as things that could be dismissed as jokes and caused discomfort.

He also started picking fights with others more often, and quarrels with Donar became almost a daily occurrence. At least recently, he had been quiet due to an injury, which was welcome. She knew it wasn’t good to think like this, but she even found herself hoping it wouldn’t happen again at least until they reached Lantua.

“How on earth did he end up like that?”

The old man sighed and then saw Trus being dragged away by Donar.

Around the time Trus was dragged away to face trial by the old man. Shif was wiping the girl’s body.

“He really went at it a lot.”

The girl’s pure white body, which made one gasp just by looking at it, was full of the undeniable marks of the night. The reddish marks of various kinds were enough to show how much that man had tormented this girl while she was asleep. She wanted to give her a bath by drawing a full tub of water, but water was very precious, so wiping her body with a water-soaked towel like this was the limit. There would have been no problem if she had asked others to do this instead of doing it herself, but Shif deliberately volunteered for this task. As she carefully wiped the body of the girl who still showed no sign of waking up, she murmured.

“If only I hadn’t been selfish, you, who have nothing to do with this, wouldn’t have ended up like this.”

She knew because she had experienced that man’s tricks herself. After putting the girl to sleep like this, he would secretly rape her, and seizing a sure opportunity, he would intentionally wake her up or rape her while she was awake to isolate her mentally and gain control. Shif had already been trapped by this method for a long time. Shif had thought it started the day she first woke up, but she found out that her body had been defiled by him unknowingly from much earlier. Although that was the first time she was directly violated. How tormented she was when she learned that fact?

Afraid that fact might become known to Donar. She was terrified. A selfish thought that made her feel horrible about herself. Because of that guilt, she volunteered for this task.

“I’m sorry. I…”

He must have thought it would be easier to do that since this girl was an outsider. Also, she tried to ignore this girl because she was an outsider. This was something she could only do after letting go of her weakness, which was Donar. If she hadn’t let go of Donar, she would have probably… It was at that moment.

“It’s okay.”

It was the girl’s beautiful voice that answered her words, which she had been murmuring to herself, thinking they wouldn’t reach the sleeping girl.

“Ah?”

When Shif, startled, quickly turned her head to look at the girl’s face. The girl, who had clearly been asleep, had opened her eyes and was looking clearly at her with that bright golden light. The girl, whose face was not covered by a mask, was undoubtedly more beautiful than anyone Shif had ever seen. So much so that Shif could understand why she had hidden it with a mask.

“You’re, you’re awake? Since when?”

“Since you started blaming yourself.”

It was just a murmur to herself, thinking she was just sleeping. Did she hear all of those words? Because of that, her bewilderment lasted only for a moment.

“Do you know why I said such things before saying that?”

Shif, believing the girl was comforting her because she didn’t know the reason Shif was acting this way, lowered her head. Then the girl, rubbing her lower abdomen, said.

“Probably because of this feeling.”

“…Did you know?”

“Because I’ve experienced it before. This time, I just didn’t know who did it.”

She couldn’t say anything at Belka’s words. When that man said this girl wasn’t a virgin. She had expected it, but Belka, talking so calmly like that, seemed unaffected, so why did Shif feel even sadder?

“The culprit?”

“He’s already caught. Now the leader-nim can decide the punishment.”

“He didn’t lay a hand on Usher, did he?”

Following the girl’s gaze, she saw the figure of the boy who had been laid down on a bed that happened to be empty. Perhaps it was natural, but he was in good condition. It seemed the man was bothered by Usher, who always stuck close to Belka, but he had never beaten or injured him.

“I don’t think that ever happened.”

“Then it’s okay.”

At her words, Belka spoke with a look of relief as if it were fortunate. Even though she acted as if her own story was something completely unrelated.

“You say ‘then it’s okay’… is that really the end of it?”

Shif couldn’t help but make a dumbfounded expression at that.

“It’s okay. But please don’t tell Usher.”

Because he might blame himself again. At Belka, who added that, Shif stared at her blankly. Shif remembered clearly. The despair, disgust, fear, and sorrow she felt when such a thing happened to her. This girl couldn’t be different. How could she worry about the boy by her side first?

“What on earth does this child mean to you, that you would…”

“My everything.”

At Belka’s answer, which came back without a moment’s hesitation, Shif was speechless this time. The children’s relationship, which was too strange to be explained simply as lovers, raised many questions for her, but she didn’t dare to ask. While Shif stared blankly at Belka, the girl got up from the spot, looked down at her body covered in traces of the night, and then as if she lost interest, asked Shif.

“My clothes?”

“Ah! They’re here.”

Even though Shif, brought back to her senses by Belka’s question, was watching the girl, she began putting on her clothes, starting with her underwear, in order, as if it were nothing. The girl’s clothes were simple, so it didn’t take very long. Finally, Belka, fully dressed, touched her hair for a moment, then looked at Shif.

“My hair, can you tie it?”

Shif, as if entranced, received the two hair ties the girl handed her. Belka’s appearance had the power to make reality feel distant, so Shif couldn’t voice any particular question and found herself holding the girl in her arms and first brushing her hair to tie it. As the soft sound of brushing hair quietly filled the carriage, Shif was filled with admiration.

“Your hair is really soft.”

The girl’s red hair had a slight curl, but when she ran her hand through it, it flowed down as if water was slipping through her fingers, and there was no feeling of tangling to the extent that brushing felt unnecessary.

“Perhaps I could know how you manage it?”

She herself had heard that her hair quality was good, but it wasn’t as good as the girl’s, so she ended up forgetting the matter from moments ago and asking.

“I haven’t really done anything you could call maintenance. Although Usher sometimes brushes it.”

“Then I guess I should ask Usher.”

Even while talking about such things with the girl, Shif smiled bitterly.

‘What on earth am I saying?’

She realized that she had gotten lost in other thoughts without realizing it. Somehow, she felt that this was what the girl intended.

“How should I tie it?”

She asked, looking down at the girl’s small head, whose thoughts she couldn’t know.

“Tie it on both sides.”

“You like tying it like that.”

“Because Usher likes it.”

It’s rare for someone to be able to pull off hair like that. When she tied the girl’s hair with hair ties as she wanted, it looked as if it had always been meant for her. To the extent that the girl, who gave off a mature atmosphere when her hair was down, clearly looked young. Still, her beauty and unique atmosphere couldn’t be hidden. A precarious and mysterious atmosphere, like a mirage that seems to disappear yet doesn’t. That’s why she became that man’s target, she thought. When Shif recalled that incident again and felt depressed.

“You don’t need to blame yourself.”

The girl’s voice was heard, as if she had read her thoughts.

“The bad one is the person who did such a thing. It’s not you.”

“But I!”

When Shif cried out and looked at Belka, she met the girl’s golden gaze, which had turned towards her. Facing that golden light directly. Even though she was just a girl younger than herself, it didn’t feel at all like she was dealing with a young girl. Even speaking felt cautious.

“…I turned away from you. Just because I was afraid that the person I liked would find out I was defiled. Afraid that everyone would think I was dirty.”

It was a confession. She wanted to pour out everything to this girl. She hoped the girl would know what she had done and punish her herself. Shif felt she couldn’t possibly forgive herself if she didn’t.

“Because of my selfishness, it’s like I offered you up to that man.”

So she looked at Belka, begging her to curse her and punish her. The girl’s golden gaze was still calm, and with an indifferent expression, as if it contained everything or contained nothing, she quietly raised her hand. Shif closed her eyes, thinking the girl might slap her cheek, but the expected pain did not come. Instead, what came was a small touch patting her head.

“I already told you. It’s okay.”

The girl’s golden gaze she saw upon opening her eyes still seemed indifferent, but her voice held benevolence. An gaze and a beautiful voice that one truly couldn’t possibly think belonged to a young girl. Was she really even the same kind of human being?

“Because humans are inherently such beings. No one can curse you carelessly. Going too far isn’t good, but forcing someone not to be selfish, isn’t that too cruel?”

At that touch full of kindness, Shif finally burst into tears.