Chapter 68: To Be Here

“I think I get joy, pleasure, from killing people.”

‘This isn’t right.’

The scar of lingering fear, the habit from the time I was anxiously afraid Yujin would abandon me, remained, making me say the strange, ambiguous sentence in a direct manner.

‘Okay, again.’

“I have something to say.
I’m not someone worthy of your love.”

‘This isn’t it.’

As I said it, I felt a heart-wrenching pain and tears welled up.

This kind of opening was not something I could say.

My hands trembled, my legs gave out, and I couldn’t breathe.

The thought of her taking away her love, her warmth…

I sat collapsed for a long while until my ragged breathing returned to normal, then I glanced at the little ghost hiding in the corner behind the curtain and shook my head.

If I were to ask that thing, which only spouts useless words, to come up with a decent sentence, it would surely produce an endless letter of apology.

“…I’m sorry for hiding it all this time.”

‘This is probably better.’

Though I wonder what meaning it has now that she already knows everything.

Still, rather than glossing over it just by hearing Yujin say everything is okay, I thought it would be better to confess everything from beginning to end in my own words.

Even if I don’t describe in detail some scenes… that might be too cruel or shocking for Yujin to hear.

I’ve already told her most of my story before becoming Sanguine Obsidia, so I just need to briefly summarize the year after that day, before I met her.

While being careful not to make it an endlessly depressing story.

Thinking that made me feel much more at ease.

Haven’t I had a similar experience before?

Under the cool breeze, in a park where traces of people were buried under soil and green vines, a story under a single tree.

The story of the 20-some years I lived under an old name I can’t even remember—if you can call that living.

Anyway, after telling Yujin that story and receiving comfort, warmth, and a hug, my heart felt at ease.

I had only known the word ‘abuse,’ but it was only after seeing her reaction that I realized what it truly meant, what it signified, what kind of emotions it evoked.

Having had that experience, maybe this time too, I can feel something new through the perspective of a normal person named Ahn Yujin.

‘Family, abuse.’

It must be a complete ruin by now, but I feel I should go back to where my old family lived someday.

I thought I had completely cut ties with the past after becoming Sanguine Obsidia, but memories, nightmares, still come to me from time to time.

“Haa…”

I roughly stubbed out the cigarette that had become a smoldering stick of ash, half-burnt without me taking a single drag.

Holding it in my left hand felt awkward, and smoking it after so long felt awkward too.

While I was at it, I turned off the TV that I no longer watched—no, that I had never really watched in the first place and returned from my old home to Yujin’s.

Leaving behind Sanguine Obsidia’s refuge, the bleak and dark room where I had been sinking.

And I buried my face in the bed where Yujin’s scent lingered.

The battle with the magical girls, so miserable that the word itself felt inadequate, and having my right arm severed was a painful experience, but I feel like something fundamental has changed since that night.

Probably in a positive direction.

At least my heart feels more at ease.

With my chin dug into the pillow, I lay on my stomach and engaged in what must have been my umpteenth self-reflection.

It was more a process of intense rationalization than introspection, but since the basis for the rationalization was Yujin’s affection, it probably wasn’t wrong.

Because she accepted Sanguine Obsidia, everything is okay.

The killing for pleasure, the killing of magical girls.

That night, perhaps thanks to drawing out power at the last moment, I got a slight grasp of the tumor’s structure and its infinite supply of magic.

While circulating magic to understand its structure, I realized that the tumor I had so despised and hated was nothing more than a kind of magic supply organ, without even a shred of will or intellect.

And I wasn’t surprised when I suddenly realized that the impulses and chest pains I thought it was injecting didn’t exist, that my own nature itself was bloodthirsty.

The fact that Sanguine Obsidia went on a killing spree for the first month, almost like a rampage, was also the result of my nature being revealed as I became free with newfound power after my oppressors died, even if it was by chance.

At that time, I had just started killing, so there were no strong adversaries, and Spooky couldn’t control me from the start.

If a spirit could easily control a magical girl’s power, criminal magical girls wouldn’t exist in the first place.

A few months ago, I might have desperately denied it, wailing that I was a normal person, not a murderer, but now, with Ahn Yujin who loves even that me, it doesn’t matter.

It would have been better if I had killed off the useless, nonsense-spouting Spooky early on and met her a little sooner.

Loving, and being loved, a home for just the two of us, affection, warmth, a normal life.

“Hee, hee…”

A smile forms, and a giggle escapes.

Even contemplation and introspection are just joyful.

My thoughts don’t idle, nor do I become gloomy from the sense of sinking in a meaningless void.

I look at the clock; it’s close to evening, the time she’ll be back.

For the past few days since I woke up, these days have continued.

Times spent waiting for her at home with a happy heart.

We don’t go around together like before, but unlike before, the waiting isn’t painful or scary.

It was similar to the days before that night when Yujin went to work alone, but each day was different.

Having only one arm is a little inconvenient, but it’s okay because she hugs me more often and sits on my right side to feed me in place of the arm that was there.

And when I clean or do laundry, I use magic, so one arm is enough.

Last night, when I went out to kill someone for the first time since that night, it wasn’t particularly inconvenient either.

As long as I avoid the magical girls, a simple spell is enough against an ordinary person.

The tumor—no, the lump that is now embedded in the center of my chest like a small, round gem—I’ve gotten quite used to intentionally drawing magic from it, so I think I could handle a weak magical girl as easily as before.

…Still, I don’t think I could easily create the magic that swallowed the Magical Girl Association’s president, Yu Ji-hye, in that faint and vague memory—the pitch-black mist and what looked like the maw of a giant monster, probably used under my unconscious command.

I thought of Grandma Sunbok and the people at the center.

They were kind to the person named Lee Seoa, and they felt somewhat precious to me.

If I hadn’t lost my arm and had to hide, it would have been better if I could have stayed with people like them.

No, it’s better with just Yujin.

This, I’m still not sure about.

A normal life is, after all, a life with her.

A universally spoken of social life, that is, a way of life where one is intimate with many people—maybe it’s okay to forget about that now.

I wish she would spend more long hours with me instead of going out.

Just being together without doing anything is more than enough.

“I have something to say.
It’s important.”

Instead of a hug and a kiss, I tightly grasped her hand as she came through the door.

My own voice, trying to be as resolute as possible, and her expression, blinking as if surprised and flustered—they were all unfamiliar.

But I have to say it.

To confirm her love, her love for Sanguine Obsidia.

“…I’m sorry for hiding it all this time.”

Her sparkling brown eyes, nodding as if to tell me to continue, made me shrink back.

I gaped for a long while, then pulled her by the hand to the dining table to sit facing each other before I could continue.

“I’m someone who feels pleasure from killing people,”

And the next sentence that escaped from my chaotic mind, riding an impulse, wasn’t the worst, but it wasn’t a good one either.

I was fine just a moment ago, but my body started trembling again.

“It’s okay.

I told you, it’s okay whether you’re a magical girl, a murderer, or anything else.
So you can tell me.”

She half-rose, and though it was an awkward posture with her arm wrapped around me across the table, the warmth of her hand patting my back, the gentle voice whispering in my ear was so warm that tears streamed down.

***

“…I’m coming in.”

For some reason, I’m so nervous.

It’s not like it’s the first time we’ve faced each other naked.

I take a deep breath and slowly open the door with my left hand.

“Yes, come on in.”

It’s a small space, but for an old apartment, the bathtub was big.

The same kind of bathtub in my own house right next door, which I’d never used.

In the bathroom filled with white steam, she was waiting in the tub filled with clear, hot water.

I don’t remember what I said then.

I’m sure that, while sobbing, I told her about the scene of my family being killed by a demon before my eyes, about becoming Sanguine Obsidia, about committing my first murder, about the times I killed magical girls, and about the stories of my time on the run before meeting Yujin.

I don’t remember how I told it, but it must have been an impulsive, intense, sobbing, and gloomy story.

I fell asleep at some point and woke up on her lap as she stroked my head, and I was reassured by the unchanging kiss, the feel of her lips, her scent.

For the next few days, peaceful daily life continued.

I can’t hide the fact that I’m missing my right arm, so I’m still avoiding the Magical Girl Association that wants to capture me, and following Yujin’s advice to avoid the suspicion of the people at the center, I’ve been staying at home, but my daily life still hasn’t changed.

The only difference was love.

If there was one single meaningful reflection, it was looking back on the relationship between Ahn Yujin and Lee Seoa.

Warmth, fear, a normal life.

I wondered if I was buried in obsession, if I was unilaterally dependent on her, and if the fear of being abandoned had grown so uncontrollably large that I had wrapped it up as the emotion of love.

And again, I became obsessively afraid.

If the warmth, the affection, the heat I feel are all lies and illusions, I wouldn’t be able to bear it for a single moment.

But the hand that led me out of the dark shadows showed me that it was by no means a lie.

And her facial expressions, the drowsy look she has when she wakes up in the morning, the faint scent that changes slightly with her condition, the habit of not tying the apron strings at her waist when she cooks,

I began to see all of it.

Now that I could see it all as it was and find it lovely, I felt like I finally understood the true meaning of love.

That’s why I want more of Yujin.

A kiss alone, just exchanging lips while our tongues entwine, is not enough.

I want more, proof of love, an affection deeper than a hug, more profound than a kiss.

I’m still not quite sure what that is.

I’m not sure, but even while she’s away, just thinking of her smile brings back the soft touch on my lips.

Along with joy and a slight sense of listlessness, my lower abdomen grows hot, and I feel my heart pound even more than during our first kiss.

And now, too.

Slowly, carefully, I dip my foot into the bathtub.

“Ngh…”

This is my first time experiencing a bath, not just seeing it on TV, but seeing Yujin’s relaxed face made it feel familiar.

It was too cramped for two people, so we had to stretch our legs out pressed tightly together, sitting face to face.

“Here.”

She moved her feet, which had been pressed against my bottom due to the cramped space, turned her body, splashing the water, and Yujin was in my arms.

“Is this better?”

My body trembled from the thick scent that invaded my nostrils, hotter than the hot steam, and I hugged her slightly smaller body tightly.

I could only embrace her with my left arm, so I pressed our bodies closer.

Warm, and soft.

It’s not the first time we’ve washed together, but it’s unfamiliar, new, and so lovely I don’t know what to do.

I wish we could touch more, closer, more contact, I wish her hands would touch me more.

The soft touch from between my thighs up to my chest, the sweet lavender scent, the white nape of her neck hidden by her brown hair…

“Thank you for telling me.”

And, at her calm voice, my consciousness, which had been floating up and melting away on the steam, returned to reality.

The excitement, the hot sensation, all subsided.

“…For what?”

“For the story about Sanguine Obsidia a few days ago, and for the story about your family you told me before.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing and buried my lips in her brown hair.

I felt a reassuring warmth.

Gently, her two small hands were placed over my left one.

We just stayed there, silently, pressing against each other’s warmth in the slowly cooling bathtub.