Chapter 13: Comfortably Numb

    “I’m fine.”

    “Don’t be like that. You can lean on me more. We’re friends, aren’t we?”

    It felt futile.

    As if, if something like this happened again, I would let go of our relationship so easily.

    As if this feeling I’m experiencing now, this vibrant color, would fade so easily.

    Yujin’s hand, holding me and patting me, felt like it would make my emotions well up.

    The longing for motherly affection,

    The guilt of not trying to save her immediately,

    The self-reproach for weighing her life against my mental stability,

    Unacceptable emotions seemed to clump together and show on my face.

    I buried my face in her hair.

    The scent calms my emotions.

    She must have been more frightened by the sudden appearance of the hideous monster.

    She noticed me trembling in anxiety and hugged me.

    It hurts.

    My chest aches with guilt.

    My murderous intent is boiling because of the futile thought of killing the two magical girls.

    Murderous intent even arises towards Yujin.

    The urge to kill people, a terrible urge, seeps out.

    No.

    I despise myself for feeling this urge even towards her.

    Glacia and Alisa had left, and though the supplies weren’t damaged,

    It felt like only my mind was damaged.

    I hugged Yujin deeply.

    Putting strength into my arms.

    Warm and soft.

    A faint fragrance and warmth penetrate.

    The surging impulses, the murderous intent, the hatred,

    The malice injected by the disgusting tumor in my chest subsides.

    Always, always, the one who gives me warmth,

    The only one who allows me to float in serene peace is her.

    Losing my original body,

    Losing my mind,

    Losing my soul,

    Only her touch keeps me, who drifts in the void, tethered to the ground.

    From now on, and forever.

    “Are you sure you’re okay?”

    “Yeah. I said I’d do it.”

    I lifted the box.

    As my mind calmed, it felt a little lighter.

    “…Yujin, are you okay? Were you very surprised or hurt by the monster…”

    “It happens sometimes, really sometimes. Still, this is the first time I’ve seen a monster right in front of me like this. So I was surprised… but I’m not hurt, and the things are fine. It passed without incident, so isn’t it okay?”

    It wasn’t a catastrophic-level monster, and Yujin said she couldn’t live if she got startled and collapsed over every little thing like that.

    ‘Is this a typical civilian sentiment?’

    I wasn’t sure.

    “…Yeah.”

    “I’m glad.”

    I was glad she wasn’t afraid.

    If she had cowered in fear of the monster,

    Cried, gotten hurt,

    Suffered,

    Then I, who had allowed her to be harmed, would have collapsed too.

    “Then, let’s go. There’s still a lot to do. I brought you here today because I wanted to look around this town with you.”

    Yujin said so, leading me.

    With an incredibly dazzling smile.

    ***

    The work was simple.

    The person living on the hill was a middle-aged man with leg trouble, and the next person was an elderly couple living in an old, sparsely populated apartment building, much like my own home.

    And the person after that was an old man living alone; he seemed to have difficulty moving, and his personality seemed sharp.

    The first visit was awkward, but I was able to naturally greet and converse with the next person and the one after that, and deliver the boxes of food and relief supplies.

    How was I able to greet and talk normally with people I was meeting for the first time?

    The only strangers I had met until now were victims who were about to die at my hands.

    [You’re at least aware that you lack social skills.]

    Spooky’s nonsense keeps hitting my weak spots, making it hard to ignore.

    I’m starting to think the old Spooky was better.

    Still, when it says a word, my racing thoughts return to normal.

    Just now, the faces of those who died at my hands were appearing,

    And their death cries were starting to echo again.

    Yujin is driving, so I shouldn’t disturb her.

    I sat still,

    Leaning my head slightly to the left, feeling her scent,

    Listening to the sound of her breathing.

    Little by little, I was getting more used to her.

    After winding through alleys for a while,

    Seeing the completely destroyed houses here and there,

    It seemed most people had left because of the monsters, and the destruction caused by their attacks.

    The dark pits and debris, untouched by the sunset glow, seemed to represent the ruins of civilization.

    Little by little, I can feel my heart beating, the tumor pulsating.

    The last house.

    It’s a detached house located deep inside this nearly deserted alley.

    Just like the three people we visited before.

    It was a relief that we could at least approach the front of the house by car.

    “Grandma, I’m here!”

    “Come on in. I knew you were coming today, so I even made food.”

    “Has everything been alright? I’m sorry I couldn’t visit more often.”

    The owner of the fourth house, Grandma Sunbok, greeted us with a smile that filled her wrinkled face.

    “You must be hungry, right? Eat first.”

    In a hot earthenware pot, with bubbles simmering, a milky white broth with bean sprouts, shredded green onions, and chilli peppers,

    Fluffy and pure white rice grains.

    Hot steam rises, and a savoury and refreshing smell spreads.

    “If I’d known you were bringing a friend, I would’ve bought some beef. It’s not much, but eat a lot.”

    “Grandma used to run a gukbap restaurant. Even now, she sometimes goes to the market far away in the city, buys ingredients, and makes gukbap for us. Even though she’s not well…”

    Yujin, as if accustomed, started mixing rice into her soup and eating it with a large spoon.

    It’s a meal where you can feel the heat, a warmth different from what Yujin had made.

    …Do I deserve such kindness?

    The sun sets, and as night comes, the impulses begin to stir.

    If I lower my head, I can see the pulsation of the tumor hidden behind the thin blouse.

    Do I, who feel murderous intent even towards this grandmother,

    Who anticipates the ecstasy of betraying and killing this person, deserve kindness?

    “Don’t feel burdened and eat quickly. This old woman’s only pleasure is cooking for the young lady who visits occasionally.”

    ‘If I had a grandmother, other relatives in my past, would it have felt like this?’

    I don’t know.

    Because I had no one.

    Yujin is eating gukbap with a happy face.

    She had approached me like this too,

    So casually.

    A relationship that started with a bag of cookies.

    It hasn’t been long, but to me, she has already become an irreplaceable existence.

    Is a bowl of bean sprout gukbap like that too?

    Getting closer to Grandma Sunbok, getting closer to Yujin’s colleagues,

    A wider world,

    Will I be able to encounter a normal life?

    Colors, various colors, paint me.

    A spoonful of broth in my mouth was as warm as Grandma’s affection.

    ***

    And as always,

    My day converges to the same ending.

    A corpse.

    A horribly mutilated corpse.

    Something that was once a human body, torn into dozens of pieces and scattered.

    Bright red blood painted the alley walls, the ground, a fallen utility pole, and a signpost.

    Monsters, Glacia Azure and Rosa Alisa, guilt, self-reproach, a bowl of gukbap.

    I thought today would be okay.

    This is the result.

    At least, at least if I had to kill someone,

    I thought I’d kill them in one go, if only to lessen my own guilt.

    As always, the tip of the spear woven from magic power, the blade of blood, the chains,

    Trembled, missed, dulled.

    And what was left was a brutally dismembered wreck,

    The screams of pain and death cries that lingered in my ears, unshakeable,

    And the smile of ecstasy that wouldn’t leave my lips.

    [You shouldn’t do that. You’ve been fine until now. Rejoicing in killing people is not like you.]

    ‘Yes, that’s right.’

    ‘I’m normal.’

    ‘An ordinary person living a normal life.’

    ‘Someone who feels sad and pained when they see someone die.’

    But today, as always, the moment the scapegoat died, the pain in my chest and the agony of the surging impulses vanished cleanly.

    “I came because I detected traces of magic… Sanguine Obsidia…!”

    Sreung-

    The chilling sound of a sword being drawn echoes in the alley.

    Knight armour reflecting the faint moonlight, a medieval longsword, black hair blending into the night.

    It’s a magical girl I’ve seen recently.

    ‘Is there something about today?’

    ‘Monsters, magical girls, what on earth.’

    It feels like only absurd things are happening one after another.

    “Rosso Artorius.”

    That magical girl definitely tried to crush me, to envelop and crush me with a spherical magic barrier.

    Was her name Argenta?

    Her magic, trying to form around me, eroded and dissipated the moment it was activated.

    “As expected, it’s no use.”

    The magical girl says so, clutching her chest and muttering something.

    …Communication?

    ‘Is she reporting to the Association and waiting for support?’

    ‘It’s dangerous.’

    ‘Others might be fine, but if several powerful magical girls like Wizard in Violet come, it’s dangerous.’

    ‘I have to kill her.’

    ‘No.’

    ‘I mustn’t kill…’

    [You mustn’t kill. Just threaten her to retreat and fall back! I don’t want to see you kill any more magical girls.]

    ‘That’s right.’

    ‘I deliberately moved far away from home to kill someone, didn’t I?’

    ‘Because I didn’t want to encounter Glacia Azure.’

    ‘But to run into someone I know again.’

    The tumor pulsates again with excitement and confusion.

    ‘Why?’

    ‘One person already died.’

    ‘Just now, too.’

    ‘If I kill that magical girl, how good would it feel?’

    ‘To plunge a blade into her heart, into her brain.’

    ‘To stir her internal organs at will.’

    ‘How much?’

    “No.”

    “…?”

    She held her sword horizontally at shoulder height.

    A stance ready to charge at any moment.

    “No, I can’t kill her. Killing is…”

    I just want to be an ordinary person.

    Words I repeat obsessively.

    Ordinary person, ordinary life, ordinary…

    I launch chains of magic power.

    Binding her, cutting off an arm or two should be fine, right?

    Rosa Alisa and Glacia Azure both recovered completely and came back.

    “Haap!”

    Argenta swings her sword with a kiai.

    A few chains are severed by her sword, but I wrapped her sword with chains launched from the side,

    And restrained her arm.

    “Kuhk… Surrender, Sanguine Obsidia! Even if I fall, other magical girls will soon come for you!”

    ‘Wait, Glacia Azure?’

    ‘This magical girl, she was with her back then.’

    Argenta shook off the loosened chains, stepped back, regained her posture, and began to gather magic power.

    ‘Glacia Azure met Lee Seoa and Ahn Yujin, heard their names, and saw their faces.’

    ‘If Argenta meets Glaceia again and reports.’

    ‘If, just if, by any chance, my true identity,’

    ‘If this magical girl, my true identity,’

    ‘Reveals it to Yujin.’

    I feel dazed.

    Passion surges.

    The tumor pulsates in time with my wildly beating heart.

    [Obsidia, Sanguine Obsidia!]

    I can’t even hear Spooky’s urgent shouts.

    “Ugh…heuk…Obsidia, I will definitely…”

    The roar of shattered armor pieces falling.

    The sound of something collapsing.

    The sound of a human body collapsing and hitting the floor.

    My vision refocuses.

    What I see is the corpse of a magical girl, lying in a pool of blood.

    Killed so easily, in an instant,

    A corpse wearing armor.

    Dozens of crimson blades were embedded all over her body, through the gaps in her shattered armor.

    Dozens of blades extending from the bright red blood that painted the alley walls, the ground, a fallen utility pole, and a signpost.

    I killed her.

    Not even a little, not even a little bit happy.

    My stomach churns.

    I felt disgusted with myself for being happy that there was one less person to track me down,

    One less person to threaten my relationship with Yujin.

    Before,

    It was just fighting magical girls who were trying to capture me, and I killed them as a result,

    But now, I despise myself for creating reasons to kill magical girls.

    Cigarette, cigarette, I need a cigarette.

    I take one out from my pocket.

    I drop it several times,

    And finally manage to light it and put it to my lips.

    The acrid smoke of burning magic herb masks the terrible smell of blood.

    My mind calms.

    Since being with Yujin, being close to her scent, I had barely touched cigarettes.

    My chest hurts.

    When I kill a magical girl, the tumor in my chest seems to rejoice, pulsating madly and creating pain.

    The impulse has subsided,

    But I feel like I’ve returned to how I was before meeting Yujin.

    No, I’ve been like this from the very beginning, from the very beginning.

    My emotions, my colors, had dried up, so I just couldn’t feel it.

    My humanity, revived by Ahn Yujin,

    Was already twisted by murderous urges and pleasure from the very root.

    No.

    I’m normal.

    I’ll live a normal life.

    As a normal human being.

    As a rational and logical human being.

    Chiiik-

    The smoke, smell, and sound of burning flesh.

    I had unconsciously brought the cigarette to my chest.

    It’s hot.

    But it doesn’t hurt.

    The tumor burns away, emitting a terrible stench of burning pus,

    And regenerated immediately.

    “Haha…”

    With a hollow laugh, I lit a second cigarette.

    It’s ridiculous.

    Truly.

    It’s agonizing.

    “Hehe, heh, hehe.”

    ‘I need to get out of here quickly.’

    ‘Other magical girls will come looking.’

    Obsidia, I will definitely…

    Screams echo, stirring in my mind.

    Those already dead, those who died by my hand,

    The death cries of those who left behind resentment and hatred echo.

    ‘It didn’t bother me before.’

    ‘Passing through the void passage, I ignored these screams just fine, didn’t I?’

    ‘This is just the remnants left behind by the dead in the world.’

    Since a few days ago,

    Since meeting Yujin,

    It’s been getting a little harder.

    Guilt washes over me.

    Screams pierce my mind like daggers,

    And a storm of death cries approaches, tearing at my flesh.

    I can no longer ignore them.

    Those I killed.

    Their pain, their fear, the coldness of death,

    I feel their screams, the sin of killing them, all vividly.

    My sins crush me.

    It hurts.

    My chest hurts.

    I can’t breathe.

    I can’t take it anymore.

    Ah, ah, ah…

    Out of habit, I dye my hair and eyes black, change my clothes, and run to the entrance.

    As I always have.

    Hey,

    Is anyone there?

    I knocked on the neighbour’s door.

    I need warmth.

    I need her.

    I embrace her.

    I am held in her comforting embrace that holds me without a word.

    A faint lavender scent, even breathing, a cozy and warm embrace.

    With her slightly smaller frame, Yujin holds me fully.

    The pain disappears, fading away.

    Like the smoke from a distant ship on the horizon.

    I become more and more comfortably numb.

    In her warmth.                

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