Chapter 119: Doubt

That wasn’t a lie.

If I could help it, I didn’t want to leave the house.

Because I had grown so afraid of forming connections with others.

And yet, I was lonely—so I sought people out. A contradiction.

I longed for relationships with others, but I was so scared that I always needed someone to shield me.

Even now, I sometimes worry.

Will someone who gets to know me try to hurt me?

If even someone like me can’t call this social anxiety, isn’t that definition a bit too harsh?

“If you’re my fan, you should be cheering me on so I can overcome it. How can you call it betrayal?”

<Why are you answering that seriously?>

<Wait… was this mutual?>

<Don’t cry, Legend ㅠㅠㅠ>

<Dark Mode Soup meets Obsessive Streamer—what a cursed combo>

<Is this a trashy morning drama or something? (pulls out popcorn)>

<I’ve never actually seen someone freak out just because of a coed stream lol>

<Once, what are you doing? Hurry up and fix this lol>

<This is like that jealous boyfriend fight: “Don’t hang out with guy friends!”—Dark Mode Soup vibes, thumbs up lol>

Hormones definitely push men and women to mate and reproduce.

But if you can only see the world through that lens, haven’t you failed to rise above being a beast?

Humans are animals, and animals are beasts—but can’t we think a little beyond those boundaries?

Even if I lie and say I like girls, or tell the truth that I have no intention of dating guys, those suspicious stares never go away.

I feel dizzy.

Not metaphorically—literally dizzy.

It’s hard to keep my body upright, so I collapsed sideways.

“Ugh…”

<Um, are you seriously leaning there?>

<Ahh Legend, my horn hurts>

Crack. (The sound of a unicorn’s horn breaking)

When I realized it, I was leaning on Victory.

I shouldn’t lean on him.

But my body wouldn’t move the way I wanted it to.

Sitting up straight felt impossible.

“Ughh…”

A trait of timid people is that they don’t usually express anger.

So instead of ending conflict early, it festers and grows—until one day, it explodes.

Then the other person says:

Why are you acting like this all of a sudden?

To the timid person, it’s a release of everything that’s piled up.

But to the other party, it comes out of nowhere.

That’s because they’ve always lived by expressing small complaints right away, fixing things as they go.

So they can’t understand the concept of enduring and then bursting.

That kid was like that too.

He couldn’t express his dissatisfaction with others.

And he kept piling it up—until bang, boom—not metaphorically, but literally set off explosives.

Bullets pierced flesh. The smell of blood was in the air.

I thought—I might die.

“Calm down.”

Wild tried to soothe me.

The guy who got shot back then was a big guy too.

But even if you’re all muscle, one bullet will drop you, same as me.

“Should we go to the hospital?”

I barely regained consciousness.

I almost fell into another flashback again.

A strange bed—probably Once’s bedroom?

Looks like they brought me here because there was nowhere else to lay me down.

“The stream?”

“Why are you even worrying about that right now? Are you okay? Do we need to go to the hospital?”

Of course, a hospital isn’t a magic solution.

It can’t erase memories, change your gender, or bring back the dead.

Even with psychiatric meds, if they don’t suit you, you suffer again and again until you find the right one.

“I’m fine.”

Because even if I go there, not much is going to get better.

I said that—but in a slightly different way.

He looked like he had a million questions, but maybe out of concern for me, he didn’t ask a single one.

Others stood behind him, looking worriedly in my direction.

Somehow, this scene feels far too familiar.

I hate always being the one who’s hurt, the one who collapses.

“That kid… from the beginning to the end, never meant to shoot me. He was just scared. That’s all.”

This is a story only known by the family, the culprit, and the victim.

“I was good to him, and he liked me. And the others—because of that, they hated him. Because I gave him special attention.”

I don’t know how much responsibility I bear for what happened.

Maybe the incident would’ve happened even without me.

Maybe it was just a typical case of bullying and revenge—a school shooting.

Shooting spree? No, it wasn’t really a spree.

Yeah, I should reword that.

It was a shooting incident.

He aimed precisely at the legs of his chosen targets and hit each one, one by one.

It was a feat.

I heard it’s really hard to hit a target with a handgun.

Maybe he would’ve done well if he became a pistol shooting athlete or something.

“Stop trying to remember it.”

“If I were a man, none of this would even be a problem.”

People looked at me like I was someone to pity, with a kind of sorrow in their eyes.

“That was just a slip of the tongue. I’m not some kind of feminist, so please forget it.”

I meant it literally.

If I had been a man from the beginning, we could’ve just been good friends.

To what extent can one get involved in a friend’s life?

Since you’re not siblings, spouses, or parents, isn’t it natural to think you shouldn’t interfere too deeply?

Or is that kind of calculation just shallow and selfish?

Lee Jun spoke.

After giving serious thought to the weight of his words.

“If anything scary or troubling happens, tell me anytime. I’ll help however I can.”

He wasn’t just saying that.

He said it while mentally preparing for the possibility of serious hardship.

From the first moment he saw her, he thought—

She’s kind of unfair, this girl.

Like a puppy caught in the rain—he couldn’t just leave her. A fragile and unstable life form that looked like it might die if left alone.

But if you watch her actions, she’s worse than that.

A puppy at least shows it when it’s hurt. But this girl keeps pretending she’s fine and strong, confusing everyone around her.

In the end, this person is looking for someone who will walk into the swamp with her, not realizing how deep it is.

She’s like a Venus flytrap, or the glowing lure of an anglerfish.

Flashing a tempting light to mesmerize people.

“If you’ve fallen for me, give up. I can’t date anyone.”

“I love that overflowing confidence. But I like tall girls with great curves, you know?”

“Gotcha, you bastard! I knew you were aiming for Seol Yoon!”

Flinch.

Innocent young people sometimes have reactions that give them away when they’re caught off guard.

People who’ve been through a lot and grown numb don’t break down at this level of attack.

“Judging from your reaction, it’s true, huh?”

She had seen right through him—too sharply for him to lie now.

So Lee Jun had no choice but to come clean to Seol Ah.

“Feeling attracted to someone because they’re pretty and wanting to date them seriously are two different things.”

It was true that her looks caught his attention.

But sincerely wanting a relationship—that was an entirely separate matter.

“What if Seol Yoon says she wants to date you?”

“Thank you very much.”

That was a joke.

Even if by some billion-to-one chance that happened, Lee Jun had already sworn to focus on the competition.

And today, he made a new promise, one that ranked even higher than that vow.

If his friend asked for help, he’d give it his all.

“If you want to date my sister, you’ll have to beat me first!”

“That easy?”

“Of course, no violence allowed!”

Even jokes made Seol Ah flinch a little.

There’s no way it would turn into a physical fight.

Lee Jun could probably overpower Seol Ah in less than a second.

Thinking about it that way, he could sort of understand her fear?

Of course, only vaguely.

There’s no way he could truly understand her feelings unless he became her.

“Anyway, you get that I don’t see you as a romantic interest, right?”

“And even though I’m not your girlfriend, you’ll come running whenever I call?”

“Not just whenever—I said when you’re scared or anxious or something’s worrying you.”

“What if that happens too often?”

“Then there’s nothing I can do. I already promised.”

It might end up being more than he can handle.

But isn’t it too sad if no one is there for you just because it’s hard?

If she’s really looking for a ‘just friend,’ then he can’t help but be that person.

Lee Jun made that promise with half resignation and half determination.

Seeing him like that, Seol Ah asked, half suspicious and half amazed:

“You’re seriously a weird one, huh?”

I’ve never seen someone go that far for a friend.

Those kinds of relationships always end up as romance anyway.

See: romantic comedies, morning dramas, etc.

‘If even I don’t believe it, then who will?’

You cry about wanting that kind of relationship, and when someone offers it, you get suspicious—that’s just pure contradiction.

Is the Korean bloodstream just laced with romance genes or something?

“Think whatever you want.”

Seol Ah opened her eyes wide and gave a warning.

“If you’re lying to me, you’re going to pay a terrifying price.”

“What are you, a witch?”

And as they talked like that, Woo Seung and Tae Hoon, who had been watching, had a million thoughts racing through their heads.

This kind of thing—you don’t see it anywhere else.