Chapter 4. Escape and Service (8)

“What if, really what if,”

Ria opened her mouth, a little cautiously.

“Even if your life is truly in danger, you have no intention of using that holy power?”

“…….”

I fell into thought.

To be honest, I can’t be completely sure either. I’ve probably never been in a situation where my life was in danger like that…

I haven’t, right?

According to ‘my memories,’ in my past life, I seemed to have been reincarnated into the novel after sending patronage to the author… but who knows.

Thinking about it now, I’m not sure.

A novel only exists on the surface. No matter how meticulously an author fleshes out the settings, it’s impossible to create settings for every single thing in the world.

Even extra characters who never appeared by name in the novel are the protagonists of their own stories in reality. People who like someone, get heartbroken, experience joy and sadness.

People who have lives with a weight no different from the protagonist’s life, each with a different appearance.

How did I appear to the author in my past life? Wasn’t I seen as just one of those nameless extras?

But then why did I become a character in this novel? I think many people who write novels or read reincarnation stories wish for reincarnation.

I never particularly wished for it. I didn’t even know reincarnation was possible in the first place.

If they really intended to mess with me, and if they really wanted to put me in the position of a Saint-

During the years I’ve lived in this world, I haven’t not thought about it. If such a malicious god, a god who treats human lives like toys, would lend me the power to use on dying people?

If you think about it, wouldn’t it be more efficient to reincarnate me as an extra being torn apart by monsters, rather than making me an important character in a novel like this? If I were brought before the Saint with my limbs torn and my insides spilling out, I might call out to God in pain.

The position I’m in is inefficient in many ways.

Perhaps, are there more memories from my past life that I don’t remember? Did God really just drop me here without any conversation with me?

“…….”

“Anna?”

“Ah, yes. Uh… what were we talking about?”

“I asked if you had any intention of using your power if you were in danger.”

I organized my thoughts one last time and spoke.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I’ll have to wait and see.”

“Is that so…”

“You’re not laughing?”

“Laughing at what?”

“You said you would never use your power on yourself until recently, but now you’re changing your mind.”

“Why would I laugh at that?”

Ria chuckled as if it were absurd and took a few sips of water.

“If the person I need to protect says they’ll protect themselves, of course, I should be happy.”

“Well, if you’re by my side then, I plan to leave it entirely to you.”

I said that with the intention of teasing her a little, but Ria just shrugged and smiled.

“Even though I look like this, I’m a Hero candidate. Being a Hero is like being a professional, isn’t it? I do my job thoroughly.”

“That’s truly amazing.”

As Ria occasionally patted my head and said “tsk,” I also tapped Ria’s head. Ria looked a little awkward and pulled her head back.

Oh, this is effective.

Of course, I don’t plan to use it often. If I use it often, she’ll eventually adapt and become indifferent. Just like I’m adapting to Ria and slowly becoming indifferent.

“Atheists have only one life. If I can get a second chance by kneeling and begging, it might be better to do so.”

“Huh? Atheists have only one life?”

“For atheists, there is no afterlife.”

This might not be something I should be saying. I am clearly living in that afterlife.

But still, strangely, I know nothing about that God. I don’t have a status window, and I can’t even hear a voice answering my calls.

Isn’t it strange? Is God waiting for me to prove something?

Is it just to prove God’s existence?

Or is there something more profound behind it?

“There is no heaven or hell after death for those who do not believe in God. This life ends there. So, there are no second chances.”

“…….”

“I do wish for an afterlife. Because I don’t want to die. I don’t want my thoughts to stop. Do you know? After becoming an atheist, I couldn’t even sleep properly for days. I was afraid that when I woke up, I wouldn’t be myself anymore.”

“What do you mean, you wouldn’t be yourself when you wake up?”

“If a person is just a collection of cells, isn’t the extinction of a single consciousness equivalent to death? The consciousness after the continuity is broken might just be a newly created different electrical signal, a chemical signal… Well, that’s something I felt when I was young.”

“…….”

“You’re not laughing.”

“It’s not funny.”

Ria said with a serious expression at my question.

“Not funny? Everyone who heard this story laughed as if it were absurd.”

“……Okay, since you’re being honest, I’ll be honest too. When I first met you, I thought you were another strange person when you said God didn’t exist.”

“Well, everyone thinks that.”

“Just without much thought, you know. There are often such kids. I’ve seen guys who go around saying they have to kill God. I’ve seen someone who said they’d kill God by becoming stronger.”

“…….”

“Well, most of them are in their chuunibyou phase. It’s a side effect of knowing that God truly exists.”

Certainly, that could be the case.

In the phase of inflated ego, well.

If there’s a world where such similar beings exist, even if it’s a world where they don’t really exist.

I don’t know the limits, but if they exist, they might have limits too. Perhaps it’s a limitation of that being that it can’t give everyone the same power it gives me.

“Those guys are usually just intoxicated by their own power. They tend to give up easily as they get older. Most of the ones who aimed to reach God’s level did that. They just say it to show off, without any serious thought.”

“Everyone goes through that phase. Everyone expresses it differently.”

“Yeah. So, I thought you were still thinking those thoughts even at your age. And then you just went to the side of denial.”

“……From the perspective of a stranger, it might seem that way.”

I readily admitted it.

In this world, atheism is already comparable to the flat-earth theory.

Until the being above directly appears and says, ‘I am not God,’ people will continue to believe so.

“But you thought about it seriously, didn’t you? You chose your own thoughts, and even though you were scared, you ultimately believed in them.”

“…….”

“How can I laugh? Well, there might be some people who laugh. But I’m not one of them.”

The character Lee Chae-eun was someone who once genuinely resented God. And perhaps she still harbors resentment.

With such immense power, why can’t she protect good people?

Why does such a person die first?

Anyone who has lost someone precious would inevitably think that way.

The atmosphere became a little heavy.

To lighten the mood a bit, I decided to talk about my chuunibyou days.

“But, even so, the reason I started helping people wasn’t just for that. In my childhood, I was more focused on myself because of it.”

Very, very young, that is, after deciding to abandon the faith I didn’t even remember.

I thought I’d just throw away all the doctrines that bound me and live freely.

“And then?”

“Someone told me, ‘Go to hell then.'”

“…….”

“Humans without faith are no different from beasts, so no matter what they do, they are soulless beings. Even if they exist, they don’t love God, so they will go to hell. Even if they live thinking they are good, it’s all wrong.”

I chuckled and laughed.

I hugged my knees and sighed softly.

Well, the person who said that must have been genuinely concerned. Because their only son refused to follow the faith that had saved him.

But since there was no way to persuade him, they probably resorted to threats.

“So, in my childishness, I thought, ‘Ah, then I’ll live really well!'”

“…….”

“I’ll live a truly good life, be someone who is upright in front of everyone, and then, if I ever meet that being called God- Ah, of course, I absolutely don’t think it exists, but still, if it does exist, I’ll say to such a person: The only wrong I’ve done is not believing in you.”

Perhaps, I genuinely wanted to believe.

I was always afraid of dying.

I was so afraid that I wished hell existed.

If there really was a God who punished people, that God would have chosen to annihilate my existence. Because that is the most frightening thing to me.

……The being above doesn’t seem to be that kind of being.

At first, it was just a childish thought. I applied for volunteer work everywhere and went around solely for that purpose. I donated blood diligently, and in any case, that’s how I lived.

It was good enough if even one person thanked me, and well, later on, it wasn’t just free volunteer work; it became my profession.

“…….”

“Well, it’s just a trivial story. So it’s a bit awkward to talk about it in front of others.”

Hmm, somehow, Ria didn’t react at all, and the atmosphere didn’t lighten at all.

“Isn’t it funny?”

As I asked Ria, looking at her, Ria just looked at me quietly.

“Not at all.”

Ria simply replied that way.

In the end, the atmosphere never lightened.