episode_0506

I am trash.

A piece of trash who confines and starves the child of the woman he loves without even knowing that it is his child.

Of course, until three months ago, it wasn’t noticeable at all. Even though I was wearing clothes that exposed my navel, it didn’t look like I had a belly at all.

… because I never expected that Lilith would be carrying my child at that time.

That’s why when we met again, I naturally assumed that she was someone he had met since then and that she had a child with him, and that’s why I was so cruel to her in order to find out who the man who had defiled the release was.

I never expected that the child Lilith was carrying would be mine.

… Now that I’ve even heard the reason why she’s desperately trying to hide the fact that she’s my child, can I stand proudly in front of Lilith?

‘I’m sorry, but since I won’t be able to meet Prince Blackwood again anyway, I thought I’d like to have your child one last time…’

‘If it doesn’t work out, there’s nothing I can do, but if I’m really lucky and have Prince Blackwood’s child, I want to think of the child as my prince and raise him/her by myself…’

‘If I, who am to become a concubine, had a child before Prince Blackwood’s first wife, there could be a problem with the succession in the Blackwood family… . If it were a child conceived before becoming the Prince’s concubine, it would be an irrelevant bloodline anyway… . So… .’

… In the end, it was all my fault from start to finish.

The fact that Lilith left Blackwood Manor. The fact that she decided to have a child without asking for my advice. The fact that she stubbornly refused to reveal that the child was hers. Everything.

All because I was keeping my future plans with Lilith a secret from her.

I caused this by making Lilith psychologically unstable, and in the end, I didn’t tell her properly, which is why it ended up like this.

I felt like trash and disgusted at myself for repeating the same mistake over and over again. Even my past self who had cursed at her and the child in her womb without knowing anything. Everything.

My actions of confining Lilith, who was carrying my child, and not even providing her with proper food and shelter… cannot be forgiven with the excuse of ignorance.

‘… So now it’s all really over.’

Rather, she may have been too much of a woman for me from the beginning.

How can I atone for the fact that my desire to keep Lilith by my side until the end ended up making her unhappy?

Even though she is the first wife and all, I think she has completely lost interest in me by now.

I wonder if it would really make Lilith happy if I accepted her as my legal wife.

Rather, isn’t it the case that I’m making myself more unhappy by trying to hold on to her out of selfishness?

Just like my childhood self. And just like my current self.

Someday, again. I wonder if I will leave an indelible scar on Lilith.

“… … .”

My head, which was so complicated it felt like it was going to burst, couldn’t come up with an answer and was only forcing me to make selfish choices for myself.

⁎ ⁎ ⁎

“Release, is there anything uncomfortable?”

“No, well… . Nothing in particular… .”

“Aren’t you hungry? Should I ask the chef to bring you a snack?”

“No, how long has it been since I had lunch… . And I ate a lot for lunch earlier too… .”

“But you never know. Pregnant women need to eat a lot. That way, the baby in their stomach will grow well.”

“… That’s enough for now. I ate a lot, so I’ll rest for now.”

“If you’re bored, should I bring you a book? Or something else… .”

As soon as it was revealed that the child I was carrying was Ethan’s, my situation improved in many ways.

I was half-forced out of the iron prison cell that had been my room, and now I was lying on the bed in Ethan’s room, leaning against it.

Since my original room had been converted into a prison cell, the only place I could go was Ethan’s room. Of course, I wouldn’t mind going to Isabelle or Katarina’s room, but they said they couldn’t let me sleep on the servant’s bed.

The room in Blackwood Manor where I probably slept the most, aside from my waiting room.

As I lay back on the bed I had last used before leaving Blackwood Manor, Isabel chattered to me from the side.

“How about some warm milk? You can drink a glass and take a good rest.”

“… Okay. Then I’ll just have one drink.”

“Yeah. Just wait a minute! I’ll bring it right over!”

“… You can take it slow. You don’t have to worry about what I think.”

“Huh?! Oh, no?! I’ve never really noticed Release! T-What do you mean, Release~? Then I’ll be off!”

Something feels a little burdensome.

Well, I can understand why Isabelle would do that. She’s such a kind person, so she probably feels guilty for breaking her promise to me.

Even though she said it was for my sake, I ended up telling him less than a day later that the child in my stomach was Ethan’s. In the end, of course, I didn’t care because Isabel’s actions were absolutely right, but no matter how reasonable her actions were, she seemed to feel sorry for lying to me.

… Rather, I should apologize to Isabel, who risked her life to betray the Blackwood family because of me.

‘I really wonder what’s going on because of me.’

After the misunderstanding was resolved, what came over me was a feeling of shame that made my face flush. And a feeling of regret towards the people around me, including Ethan and Isabelle. And a feeling of absurdity about why on earth I did such a thing.

Ethan and Queen Raini are engaged? Just go out there and die, you fucking bitch Lilith.

My way of thinking that he rejected all the love letters from noble ladies and that it was because he actually had another fiancée is legendary, really.

… Actually, he was just planning to marry me, so he didn’t even need to get a fiancé.

“Haa, I really want to die because I’m so pissed off… .”

If only I had just stayed still, I could have received Ethan’s surprise without any worries.

Because of my foolish actions, Ethan’s almost touching event turned into a chase full of regret and exhaustion, so if I could turn back time, I’d like to go back to about 4 months ago.

On top of that, I got pregnant before I could even graduate from the academy, so my academic curriculum was all messed up. And it wasn’t just me who was messed up, Ethan’s academic curriculum was messed up at the same time, so that says it all.

It was the moment when I decided that from now on, I would never think about it with my stupid head and would definitely have Ethan or Isabel check it at least once.

‘By the way, how do I talk to Ethan now?’

After hearing the story that the child in my stomach was Ethan’s and why he had kept it a secret until now, Ethan gave Isabelle and Dietmeyer a few instructions and quietly disappeared without saying anything else.

I think Ethan needs some time to sort things out, just like me, but I hope he just sorts things out a bit and doesn’t have any weird thoughts.

It was because I didn’t tell Ethan straight up that I made him think I was carrying someone else’s child.

If Ethan’s fault for not telling me about the surprise event was 1, then my fault for running away from Blackwood Manor under a strange misunderstanding, running away when I faced Ethan in Ermia, and not telling him that I had a child from our last sleep together would have been roughly 999.

No, even if there had been some strange misunderstanding from the beginning, if I had waited from the beginning, thinking that even a position as a second wife or concubine would be okay, nothing would have happened. If it weren’t for this damned unicorn temperament and greed, I probably wouldn’t have left Blackwood Manor.

They say that if you go straight, you just have to go to Seoul… but no matter how I think about it, it seems like it’s too far of a detour.

‘When Ethan comes back after cooling off, I’ll apologize first.’

Since I was more at fault, I’ll apologize first. If Jeong Ethan thinks what he did to me was a sin, then we can accept it then.

While I was waiting for Isabel to come with the milk, thinking that, soon the door opened and a person slowly came in.

-Squeak.

“Ah, Isabel. Here you go… .”

“… Sorry, Lilith. I’m not Isabel.”

“Ethan… Prince Blackwood?”

Now that the misunderstanding has been resolved, I wonder if I can call him Master Ethan again. An awkward atmosphere flowed between me and Ethan as he cautiously entered the room, avoiding eye contact.

“That… bird, have you gathered your thoughts well…?”

“… … Not completely, but for now.”

“That’s great. I’ve sorted out my thoughts about Lord Ethan to some extent, so I can talk to you more calmly.”

-Shock.

“… … .”

Ethan’s shoulders tremble and he’s nervous, as if he just noticed something strange in what I said.

He took a deep breath as he walked towards me with a shaky step and a tired expression on his face that I could tell at a glance.

-thud!

“I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, Lilith!! I won’t doubt you again from now on!!”

He lay down on the floor in front of the bed and started handing out apples while hitting his forehead on the floor.