Chapter 33: Desire Invariably Flows West (2)

[33] 5. Desire Invariably Flows West (2)

Drinking with Feya was like following a formula.

The pub farthest from the mercenary guild building,

A table always tucked in a corner where the noise barely reached.

The side dish is always meat, but sometimes also anything that’s easy to pick up and eat.

She doesn’t discriminate when it comes to alcohol, but still prefers dark beer.

It was mainly her who did the talking,

I’d just nibble on the snacks and chime in every now and then.

The conversation would usually start with random topics.

Sometimes she talks about our men, sometimes she brags about the new axe she got last week.

But, as is often the case with drinking sessions between old friends, the conversation eventually drifts to the past.

Starting with the recent goblin subjugation mission, all the way back to…

The day we came up with the name ‘Rose Rem Mercenary Group’, four years ago.

And that’s where the flow would stop. It would go no further. As if there was a dam blocking its path.

The time when I wasn’t a mercenary, Rose wasn’t the Captain, and Feya was trying to kill us.

Stories from that time always get stuck in our throats.

And that concludes the calculation process.

All formula exist to find answers, and in that sense, drinking with Feya was also a formula.

It’s just that the answer never changes.

When the flow of conversation about the past was blocked,

When a brief silence descended, Feya, her eyes clouded, would then provide the answer to the formula.

“Big bro, do you ever regret it?”

“Regret what?”

Asking her that, even though I already knew what she was talking about, was a way of showing resistance. Saying that she shouldn’t go any further.

“Not taking revenge on me.”

But, Feya continues, her eyes tearing up.

“It was me, you know, who cut off your leg.”

The clamor of the pub seemed to fade, and I could feel a phantom pain in my nonexistent calf.

“I’ve told you many times, I don’t.”

“…Why?”

I took a moment to choose my words. But no matter how much I racked my brain, I couldn’t come up with anything better than what I had always said.

“If I had, I wouldn’t be able to hear you call me ‘big bro.’”

I remembered the blood-red sunset and the ruthlessly falling axe. It happened five years ago.

“I got off easy with just losing two legs.”

I downed the bitter dark beer.

***

After that, Feya mumbled something incoherent and then passed out. That too was always the same.

Sighing inwardly, I carried her on my back. Fortunately, that winter night was peaceful.

Under the bright moon, snowflakes were fluttering down onto the streets. Leaving footprints on the freshly fallen snow, I headed home.

“Rem…”

A sleepy voice, I stopped in my tracks.

“This time, don’t leave me behind…”

Hot tears seeped onto my back, frozen stiff from the winter wind.

“I don’t care what you do, just… stay by my side…”

I’m scared.

That it’ll be like that time again…

Her last words were just mumbles. Finally realizing that she was talking in her sleep, I let out a sigh.

“Learn some independence, you idiot…”

How did that ruthless woman turn into a puppy suffering from separation anxiety?

A wolf that became a dog.

Once again, I thought it was the perfect analogy for Feya.

***

Eventually, I arrived at the mercenary guild building, laid Feya down on her bed, and then went back outside.

There wasn’t a particular reason for this. It was just because I had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to sleep, even if I lie down in bed. And I wasn’t in the mood to read Clara’s letters either.

Leaning against the building, I simply gazed at the snowflakes flowing down under the moonlight.

“I heard you went out for a drink with Ms. Feya. Is it over already?”

Startled, I turned around to see Irene. She spoke with an expressionless face.

“I saw you through the window.”

“Ah, yeah. Well…”

I scratched my cheek.

“Feya’s got a lower tolerance than I thought, so she passed out. I just threw her in her room and came out to enjoy the night view for a bit.”

“Then, do you mind if I join you?”

I raised an eyebrow, and finally, Irene smiled faintly.

“I can’t sleep either.”

And then, without even waiting for my permission, she came and stood beside me.

I looked at her with bewildered eyes before turning my gaze back to the sky.

But that peace from earlier was long gone. Just having another person nearby is enough to prevents one’s mind from calming.

Especially not when you have something you want to ask that someone.

“I still haven’t found them.”

I looked at Irene with puzzled eyes.

“The hero and Parsley. That’s what you wanted to ask, isn’t it?”

“…Was it that obvious?”

“Very.”

Smiling bitterly, I stared down at my feet.

Making up with Clara was certainly a joyous occasion, but on the other hand, it also brought me deep concern.

Even Clara, who had seemed the most well-adjusted out of the three, had tried to kill herself.

Just what kind of desperate situation were Parsley and Amy, who had shown far more severe reactions, might be in?

The anxiety that they too might choose to do something extreme, weighed heavily on me. The urgency to clear up this misunderstanding with them as soon as possible took root in my heart.

…The problem was, I didn’t even know where they were.

I tried my best to find out, asking around as soon as I returned from the Vatican. But I couldn’t find them.

Apparently, even Parsley, who was said to be at the Magic Tower, had left and was now traveling.

To be honest, it felt like my insides were burning black with worry.

“Were the hero and Parsley also similar to Lady Clara?”

I looked up to see Irene with a strange look on her face.

“In the past, you used to like each other…”

“No, no, absolutely not.”

I waved my hands dismissively and shook my head.

“Amy was just a friend from my hometown. And Parsley was… well… we remained friends at least.”

Irene’s eyes widened.

“Oh, but I thought your memories from before you joined the mercenary was gone…”

Ah.

I hurriedly made up a lie

“No, well, actually, after talking to Clara, my old memories…”

A chuckle, I couldn’t help but stop speaking. Irene, covering her mouth with her hand, giggled and shook her head.

“It’s just a joke, you don’t have to lie. I already knew.”

“…What?”

Irene smiled.

“You were too calm for someone who lost his memories. Even though you lost such a big chunk of your past, you weren’t that anxious.”

My mind went blank for a moment. I managed to open my mouth and ask.

“Since when…?”

“Practically from the beginning. It seems like you’re not good at acting. Ah, and I didn’t tell anyone else, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

I could only stare at her blankly. Seeing that, a satisfied look appeared on Irene’s face.

“Seeing that look on your face, it feels like all the hard work I put into keeping the secret paid off. Actually, it was really hard to keep quiet about it, especially back in the carriage.”

…I already said it before, but this woman, she had a wicked side to her.

Swallowing down a sigh, I ran a hand through my hair.

“Can I just say thank you for keeping it a secret?”

“You’re welcome.”

Irene smiled brightly and then added,

“But it’s a shame, actually. I really enjoyed listening to your stories in the carriage.”

“You mean, on the way back to Essier from the Vatican?”

“Yes.”

I smiled awkwardly, because the memory of that time was still fresh in my mind.

I had started telling the story to explain myself, but soon everyone in the carriage was listening with wide eyes, and after the story was over, they all gave me strange looks.

“I secretly hoped that there would be similar sweet stories between you and the Hero or Ms. Parsley….”

Yes, with those kinds of eyes.

Feeling uncomfortable, I averted my gaze.

“There wasn’t anything like that between them and me. We didn’t even have the time for that back then.”

“Really?”

Irene raised an eyebrow and looked at me. A gaze as if asking if I could really say that with a clear conscience.

“….”

And I couldn’t help but look away, because, to be honest, there *were* things I felt guilty about.

Especially with Parsley…

Fuck it, just forget it.

At least we were friends when we parted ways.

“Mr. Rem, you’re more of a ladies man than I thought. There’s Ms. Clara, Ms. Feya, and Ms. Rose too.”

Irene’s eyes narrowed. I couldn’t help but ask,

“…Why are you suddenly mentioning the Captain and Feya?”

For the first time, a genuine look of confusion appeared in Irene’s eyes.

“Oh, wasn’t that the case? It was a well-known fact within the mercenary guild, that Ms. Feya, Ms. Rose, and Mr. Rem were in that kind of relationship.”

I rubbed my temples, feeling a headache coming on. I told them to watch their behavior…

“That’s absolutely not true.”

“Really? But…”

“I understand what it looks like, but this time, it really isn’t like that.”

Feya, me, and the Captain weren’t like that, nor could we ever be like that.

Guilt and love need to be clearly distinguished. The same goes for Dependency and love as well.

If we had been in that kind of relationship, we wouldn’t have started the mercenary group in the first place.

I spoke firmly, as if driving in a nail.

“We are just colleagues. You only think that because we’ve been together for a long time.”

However, Irene seemed to have a head full of fantasies. She still hadn’t gotten rid of the suspicion in her eyes.

But thankfully, those suspicions didn’t turn into questions.

*Flap-flap-*

I turned my head at the sound of wings flapping. A pigeon was flying towards us.

It was the carrier pigeon I had given the Captain before she left for the west.

…I’m sure I told her to use it only for emergencies because it was expensive.

“Please excuse me for a moment.”

Feeling uneasy, I approached the carrier pigeon, which had landed on the building’s railing. I untied the note from its ankle and unfolded it.

And upon reading the content, I couldn’t help but grimace.

It read…

[Come to the west as soon as possible]

[I found a way to end our promise.]