Chapter 109: Irreversible Regret

I wanted to die.

Not in the usual sense of wanting to end my own life.

It just meant I was so humiliated that I wanted to disappear.

“Th-That is…”

I couldn’t meet Artasha’s sharp gaze. If there were a hole in the ground, I would have hidden myself in it immediately.

It was a situation where even excuses were not allowed.

What would Artasha think of me?

Would she think I’m pathetic?

Would she see me as someone shameless, who not only took her daughter but also lacked any dignity?

If I were to face such a gaze…

At that moment, I might truly want to die.

But her reaction was something I could never have predicted.

“Fufu, hehehe…”

A clear laughter filled the space. I blankly lifted my head to look at her.

What captured my gaze for a long moment was…

Artasha’s radiant smile.

***

A tea shop located in the imperial capital.

The sweet confections and vividly colored tea in front of me captivated my attention.

“Does it suit your taste?”

Artasha asked softly.

A faint playfulness lingered in her smile.

“…Yes.”

“Well, it might not be as good as the ones from that restaurant, but this place is quite renowned too.”

“Ah, th-that, I mean…!”

Her merciless words struck precisely where it hurt.

My face immediately flushed red.

I never imagined Artasha could have such a mischievous side.

Was it because I felt a slight grudge?

Before I knew it, my cheeks puffed out without realizing it.

Artasha silently observed me.

Her unexpectedly serious gaze caught me off guard.

“What’s your name?”

It was an unforeseen question.

My eyes trembled, lacking context.

“You’re not Tina, are you?”

“Th-That’s right…”

A faint sting pricked my chest.

Unable to lift my head, I averted my gaze.

“That’s why I’m asking. It feels a bit awkward to call you without a name.”

Artasha’s face remained gentle.

Her gaze was warm, devoid of malice or hostility.

Caught in her gaze, as if enchanted, I quietly opened my mouth.

“Ah, um… My name is…”

I, too, had a proper name.

Even if it was only for a fleeting moment…

It was a name lovingly given by the parents who had once cared for me.

“Th-that is… my name is…”

But why was it?

I couldn’t bring myself to utter my name.

That name was tied to my painful past.

A name tainted with scorn and ridicule.

Even my blood relatives had turned away from it.

A cold, bitter trace of three empty syllables.

A name devoid of meaning, love, or warmth.

I didn’t want Artasha to call me by such a name.

If it were anyone else, it wouldn’t matter—but not Artasha. Never her.

“…I don’t have one.”

“Huh?”

“A name. I don’t have one.”

A flicker of confusion crossed Artasha’s face.

After a moment’s hesitation, she cautiously spoke again.

“You must have parents. Didn’t they give you one?”

“Th-they did, but… well…”

Something seemed to click.

Artasha’s gaze subtly shifted. Her eyes, interwoven with complicated emotions, bore into me.

Was it pity? Concern? Or… contempt?

Before I could decipher her thoughts, Artasha slowly stood up and moved to sit beside me. Her delicate hand rested lightly on my head.

Just like before, she gently ran her fingers through my hair.

“It’s all right. A name isn’t such a big deal. People change their names all the time when they don’t like them.”

Her warm reassurance stirred emotions I had buried deep inside.

“Then, for now, I’ll call you Tina.”

I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to lean on her—to seek comfort.

Just like the old days.

“Mm? What is it?”

Without realizing it, I had grabbed the hem of her clothes.

I hesitated, struggling to form the words, then tightly closed my eyes and confessed to Artasha.

“…Will you name me?”

“Huh?”

“Artasha, could you… could you give me a name?”

“What?”

Her eyes widened in astonishment as she stared at me, almost as if doubting her ears.

“I… I want to be called by a name you give me, Artasha.”

“Is that… not okay?”

For a moment, the calm blue of Artasha’s eyes wavered. She gazed at me in stunned silence, then abruptly turned her head to hide her face.

It was baffling. Artasha, avoiding my gaze?

Had my request been that offensive?

Looking closer, I noticed her shoulders were trembling ever so slightly. One hand covered her mouth as she stared blankly into the distance.

It was an unmistakable sign of rejection.

I loathed myself for daring to hope again—for entertaining foolish expectations.

“I’m sorry…”

I pressed my voice down, weighted by regret.

Artasha flinched and turned to me in a rush.

“No, why would you apologize?”

“I think I asked for something I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry.”

“No! That’s not it at all. I was just… thinking about your name, that’s all.”

“Huh? Then, does that mean you’ll name me?”

“If you’re okay with it, I’d like to.”

Her words sent a surge of emotion through my chest.

A name crafted by her hands.

Even though I hadn’t heard it yet, just the thought of it made my heart flutter.

It didn’t matter what the name was. Even if it held dark connotations, I would cherish it for the rest of my life.

“Y-yes… please.”

At my answer, Artasha smiled softly.

“I’ll think about it until we meet again. Can you wait just a little?”

She reached out to stroke my hair again. Unconsciously, I leaned into her touch and closed my eyes.

It was warm and comforting—indescribable.

For that moment, I felt as though I had returned to the memories of being with Artasha long ago.

But there was one difference…

Back then, Artasha looked at me with feigned affection.

At this moment, her eyes held only me.

And one more thing—there was another difference.

The screams that had filled my mind.

The sharp resonance that made me loathe humanity.

Her voice, which had torn through my head, was no longer there.

…Peaceful.

That was how it felt.

After parting ways with Artasha, the carriage brought me back to Lillian’s mansion.

To the underground prison hidden deep within the mansion.

A space prepared solely for me.

A sealed room where not a single ray of sunlight reached.

But this time, it was different.

The emotions wrapping around me now were not loneliness.

After meeting Artasha, a new emotion had blossomed, and it was shattering my heart.

I knew what it was. But I denied it.

Instead, I forcibly dragged out the darkness within me.

“Hehe, Artasha is really… such a fool.”

Laughter spilled from my lips.

Her endlessly kind demeanor was ridiculous.

So foolish it was laughable.

I decided to think of her that way.

Even though she knew I was the one who took her daughter.

Artasha still smiled at me.

Still offered me her warmth.

“Even after everything I did to her… she still shows me kindness.”

I mocked her.

My voice filled with scorn.

I endlessly insulted her.

I repeated her name, again and again, tasting it until I was sick of it.

“Such a foolish person.”

Murmuring to myself, I let out another hollow laugh.

But as time passed, the smile on my face began to falter.

My vision blurred.

My eyes trembled.

I covered my face with my shaking hands and quietly called out an old friend’s name.

“Are you really not going to come out?”

You always told me, didn’t you?

That I wasn’t in the wrong.

That being a fool would only lead to being taken advantage of.

That there was no need to feel guilty about harming others.

But now, I don’t know anymore.

No matter how much I wrack my brain.

No matter how many times I repeat it…

You know, I think I was wrong.

So please, tell me.

Convince me.

Tell me I wasn’t wrong.

That I only did what had to be done.

If you don’t say it, then I…

Then who I’ve been until now…

[You’re a child who can’t lie.]

Drip—

A transparent tear rolled down my cheek.

[It was fun. I was happy.]

I stared blankly at that tear.

It was just the beginning.

Soon, the dam of my tears burst, and the overflowing emotions poured out.

“Ah… ugh…”

Choked, suppressed sounds escaped my throat.

I couldn’t stop crying.

[The time I spent with you was colorful and bright.]

“I was wrong… I was… wrong…”

What was breaking me now—

It was guilt.

“I was wrong… I was wrong… I did wrong…”

The sins I’d accumulated.

The irreparable regrets.

The weight of it all so effortlessly shattered my shameless masks.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”

My tear-soaked voice trembled as it spilled out.

Sin.

Sharione-nim.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, Versha-nim.

I’m sorry for using both of your kindness for my own greed.

“I’m sorry, Rose…”

For ruining your reputation.

For you being hurt because of me…

It’s all my fault.

“I’m sorry, Bianca, Camilla, Della, Ellen, Hestia, Velita, Chloe…”

I actually remembered all of your names.

Every single one of them, not forgetting a single person.

You gave me such wonderful gifts…

How could I forget?

A small treat, a carefully picked flower.

I was truly so happy. I was genuinely overjoyed.

“Sniff… Mardian… I’m sorry…”

Even though we were entangled in an unpleasant past.

I didn’t want to end things with you like that.

I never wanted to hurt you in such a way.

“Vi… Viviana…”

I really liked you.

You were my ideal, after all.

Even when you treated me like someone worthless.

I still liked you.

But…

I was terrified.

Terrified that you’d grow tired of me.

That, in the end, we wouldn’t be able to stay together.

Because you are someone so much brighter than someone like me.

So, I ran away.

I’m sorry.

For taking advantage of your guilt.

For pretending to resent you.

I never resented you. Not even once.

Lillian.

You…

So kind and righteous.

I’m sorry for making even you take such extreme measures.

Even though we grew up in the same environment.

I was jealous of how bright you could be.

I was envious of someone like you who shone so brightly.

I admired you so much.

I wished…

I wished you would fall to the same place as me.

“I’m… I’m sorry…”

Artasha.

For taking your daughter.

For taking away the person most precious to you.

“I… I…”

The sins buried deep within the layers of walls.

Those sins simply flowed down the path I walked.

Breaking down my heart endlessly.