Chapter 25: It’s because of me

Luna Square.

Unlike conventional shopping malls, this complex leisure facility was designed to offer various cultural experiences, including a movie theater.
Benchmarking the “malling” concept popular in foreign countries, this facility now boasted annual sales exceeding one trillion won, functioning as a prominent landmark of the region… Come to think of it, this was also a Beyond Group creation.

Anyway, Han Yeoreum and I were walking through it.

“Hey.”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t walk while looking at your phone. There are a lot of people, you’ll get hurt.”

No response. She was busy fiddling with her hair, looking at herself through the phone’s selfie camera.

Her shoulder-length, voluminous bob and neatly trimmed bangs, unlike before, swayed gently, exuding a pure and innocent aura.

“If you like it that much, should I take a picture for you?”

Han Yeoreum glanced at me with an annoyed expression, as if telling me not to talk nonsense, and then returned her gaze to her phone.

“It would be better to take a picture for your own sake. That style won’t last after you wash your hair tomorrow morning. You’ll have to style it yourself with a curling iron, can you remember how?”

Still no response.

“My lady, I’d be upset if you ignore me like that. Even though I’m your attendant—”
“Stop it.”

Han Yeoreum looked at me with disgust as I mimicked Oh Cheongmyeong’s tone and gestures.

“You should be the one to stop calling me ‘my lady.’ You were grumbling about how it looked like a mess earlier, and now you’re staring at it all day if I don’t say anything.”
“I never said that.”

Han Yeoreum irritably put her phone away at my comment.

“And it’s not that I like it, it’s just… surprising.”
“Okay.”

I decided not to press further. Han Yeoreum looked around the mall silently for a moment, then spoke.

“Stop doing that. It’s written all over your face anyway.”
“What is? If I like it, I like it. Why do I have to explain why?”

Han Yeoreum shook her head, as if that wasn’t what she was pointing out, and continued.

“You don’t have to pretend to be okay.”
“Is it that obvious?”
“Not much, just a little. Who wouldn’t be bothered after what happened yesterday?”
“I guess.”

I stretched and spoke.

“Still, it’s better to act foolish than to be depressed. In many ways.”
“Yes, do as you please.”

Han Yeoreum replied with a shrug.

“So where are we going now? We got our hair cut, shouldn’t we be heading home?”
“To buy clothes.”
“Clothes? We bought some last time. There’s a bunch at the motel.”
“You insisted on mostly hoodies and jeans.”
“So what?”

Han Yeoreum blinked with a blank expression.

“We’re not going anywhere formal, but hoodies and jeans are a bit much.”
“Really?”

Han Yeoreum tilted her head. Her hair, swaying with the movement, combined with her pale face, exuded a strange aura.
If she just kept her mouth shut, she could really pass for a young lady.

We took the escalator to the floor where the clothing stores were gathered.

“Ah, don’t go to Uniqlo.”

At those words, Han Yeoreum’s bouncing steps froze. She turned her head stiffly, as if rusted, and replied.

“…Why?”
“Since you’re Oh Minseo’s cousin, you should at least wear something decent, even if it’s not luxury brands. People will get suspicious.”
“Then where should we go? I don’t know any other places.”

Misunderstanding my silence as I tried to gather my thoughts, Han Yeoreum started fidgeting her fingers, as if feeling wronged.

“I’ve never shopped for things like this before, what do you expect? It’s not like I wanted to be like this.”
“Who said anything? But come to think of it, I’ve only worn what Dasom bought me for the past few years. Now that I’m trying to go somewhere else, I don’t know where to go.”
“Forget it, let’s just go to Uniqlo. What’s so important about clothes? As long as you can wear them, it doesn’t matter.”
“So we should look around today. To study, too.”
“What?”

I grabbed Han Yeoreum’s sleeve and walked towards the clothing store next to the escalator. My plan was to just go in and see.

“Excuse me, could you help us for a moment?”
“Ah, yes. Of course. How can I help you? Are you looking for something specific?”

A female salesclerk glided over at my call and started bombarding us with questions, almost overwhelmingly. Han Yeoreum, standing behind me, just mumbled quietly, unable to say much.

Seeing her completely different demeanor from when she was meticulously haggling over the phone at the carrier store, I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“It’s just that my younger sister doesn’t know anything about clothes. I felt sorry for her always wearing hoodies, so I dragged her out, but then I realized I don’t know much about women’s clothes either.”
“Hey, who said you could—”

Han Yeoreum nudged my side with her elbow. But I ignored her and continued talking to the salesclerk.

“Ah~! I see. You two seem to have a really good sibling relationship. Shopping for clothes together on a weekend!”
“No, it’s not like—”
“Anyway, it’s really a shame. Wearing only hoodies with a face like that. Come this way. I’ll pick out a few things for you. Hmm, let’s see, let’s see…”
“Wait a minute. Hey, Yu Dojin! Do you think I’ll just stand by while you…”

I grinned at Han Yeoreum, who was being dragged away by the salesclerk, glaring at me resentfully, and then headed towards the men’s clothing section.
I wanted to look around other places, but dragging her around forcefully in her current state would only backfire. I planned to finish up here for today.

“Hmm…”

I chose a black linen shirt and ivory cotton pants. I also picked out a few other items with a casual yet not too light feel.
I’ll have to stop by a shoe store later and buy some shoes that go with these. Maybe some FitFlop slippers would be good.

“Excuse me~ Oppa! Could you come here for a moment~!”

The salesclerk’s loud voice came from the fitting room at the back of the store.

“…Why… I was just going to change back.”
“…No… Since we picked it out, you have to show your oppa too.”
“…But it’s weird—”

Their voices drifted from the small hallway near the fitting room, but I couldn’t hear them clearly.

“Can I come in?”
“Of course~! Come in.”

Following the salesclerk’s words, I went past the corner of the hallway and into the back, and as soon as I did, the fitting room door closed with a bang.

“Are you all done?”
“Ah~… We’ve picked everything out. Hey, little sister~ Your oppa is here, so come out quickly~ Or I might have to open it with a key~.”

Han Yeoreum, who had been bickering with the salesclerk in the fitting room for a while, finally sighed in exhaustion and slowly opened the door.

“How is it~?”
“Oh…”

A light blue, short-sleeved striped t-shirt and an ivory-colored long skirt caught my eye.
The overall combination of light colors and soft materials gave her a pure and fresh look, a 180-degree change from her usual style.

She finally looked her age.

“Your little sister insisted on only dark colors, so I tried to combine some brighter colors~! I picked it out myself, but isn’t it really nice~?”

Han Yeoreum lowered her head in annoyance and ran her hand through her hair irritably.

“It’s good. I’ll pay for it.”
“Yes~ Thank you~! I also picked out some street-style clothes, so please refer to them when you shop at other stores~. Just by choosing like this, you’re halfway there~!”
“Thank you.”

Bang!

While I was talking to the salesclerk, the fitting room door slammed shut again with a loud noise.

“Huh~? Little sister, you can just wear it out~!”
“Forget it.”

Han Yeoreum, who came out of the clothing store, clutched the hoodie she was wearing with both hands and glared at me with dissatisfaction.
Of course, I didn’t react. What was I supposed to do?

“‘Oh’ my ass… That pervert must be crazy…”

****

“That’s enough, let’s just go home…”
“Just one more place.”
“You said that last time…”

Han Yeoreum said in a barely audible voice, her shoulders slumped.

After buying clothes, they had also stopped by shoe stores and accessory shops, and Han Yeoreum, beside Yu Dojin, was already exhausted. She was shuffling along like a jellyfish crushed by strong waves.

Her steps finally came to a halt when they reached a bookstore next to a toy store.

“Why books all of a sudden?”
“I was thinking of studying again.”
“Studying?”
“Design. I used to like it, but I haven’t been able to touch it for the past few years since I started the company.”

Yu Dojin started browsing through various books in front of the shelf filled with design books.

“If you want to buy any books, pick them out. Comics or whatever, it doesn’t matter.”

At Yu Dojin’s words, Han Yeoreum looked up and scanned the inside of the bookstore.

Various people were choosing books with their own purposes.
Girls who looked to be her age were looking at workbooks, young men around Dojin’s age were looking at books related to certifications or language tests, a woman pushing a stroller was looking at cookbooks, and a middle-aged man who looked to be of considerable age was looking at books related to starting a business…

But there were no books for Han Yeoreum there. More precisely, she didn’t know which of the many books to choose.

“…”

She didn’t say it.
Since that day, Han Yeoreum hadn’t mentioned exactly how long this strange relationship would continue.
The man in front of her said she could stay as long as she wanted, but it was a relationship that would eventually end soon.

When that happened, she would have to leave that place and wander the streets again.
Of course, in a few months, she would be an adult and be able to get a part-time job, but she couldn’t live on that forever.

What should she do from now on? She had dropped out of school a long time ago, and she didn’t have any particular skills or talents. To make matters worse, she was now caught up with people she didn’t even know.

Maybe it would be better to leave this place before things got more dangerous, even if it meant wandering the streets.

But still.

“Not really. There’s nothing I particularly want to see…”

Han Yeoreum turned her head and looked at the face of the man in front of her.
It was still faint, but his face somehow looked determined, with a hint of hesitation gone. It was an unbelievably different appearance from the person who had looked sick and on the verge of collapse just a few days ago.

“Forget it, should I buy you some coffee? It seems like it’ll take a while, and it’s a bit much to just space out the whole time. I’ll get some for myself too.”
“Let’s go together. It won’t take long.”
“It’s okay, since we’re here, take your time choosing.”
“Sorry, then I’ll have a caramel macchiato. Pay with the card I gave you.”
“Okay.”

Han Yeoreum left the bookstore and headed towards the coffee shop. Faint light streamed down from the glass ceiling of the shopping center, bathing her body.

Maybe I want to see him change.
No, I want to see it. That’s why I followed him back that day. If someone as weak as him can change, then maybe I can too.

As Han Yeoreum was walking with those thoughts,

“Ouch!”

Something suddenly popped out from around the corner and hit Han Yeoreum’s nose.

“I-I’m sorry!”

A youthful voice reached Han Yeoreum’s ears as she rubbed her nose, her eyes tearing up from the unexpected pain. Looking closely, it was an incredibly beautiful woman.

No, that’s not important right now. Han Yeoreum stood up abruptly and opened her mouth.

“Excuse me, if you come out so suddenly…”
“I-I was in a real hurry. I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry…!”

The woman in front of her, after a cursory apology, ran off, her white hair fluttering.
Did she not understand me? No, she seems to be Korean. She seemed to be crying too.

“Ah, what the, seriously…!”

Han Yeoreum rubbed her sore nose and glared irritably in the direction the woman had run off.

****

After washing her face, Chae Seolha looked up at the mirror.
Reflected back was hair with a dry texture and cracked, chapped lips. The diagonal lines emerging from the corner of the mirror seemed to tear her face apart.

…I have an interview with the newspaper tomorrow. No, what difference will that make now?

There was no reason left to try.
Because I, I ruined everything.

But she was alive. The water flowing from the faucet, wetting her hands, was telling her so.

“…”

Drip, drip. Tears streamed down her cheeks and fell onto the surface of the water collected in the sink, creating ripples.
Shimmering within the swaying ripples was the face of the man she wanted to see right now. The face of the man she could no longer meet.

“Sob, hic, uwaaa…”

How did it end up like this?

She hated it when he, who only opened up to her, gradually started opening up to others. She detested the inherent shabbiness that couldn’t be hidden no matter how much she tried with makeup and exercise.
The inferiority complex that lurked in the corners of her mind transformed into jealousy towards others, and that jealousy, like fertilizer, eventually made the emotion of anger sprout deep within her heart.

But isn’t it funny?
The person he liked wasn’t Garyeon with her beautiful appearance, nor Dasom with her warm personality and sensual figure that even women would fall for, nor Minseo with her jaw-dropping wealth.

It was me.
He had only liked me for a long time.

And I didn’t even know.

“Aaack!”

Chae Seolha picked up a cup from the sink and threw it. The glass of the shower booth shattered with a loud crash.

She felt like throwing up. She was disgusted with herself for trying to hold his hand shamelessly as soon as she heard his confession, after all the unreasonable anger she had poured out.

And.

[I know it’s wrong for me to be writing to you now, and I might not have the right to, but I’m writing this because I have no other way to contact you, and I know you’re currently avoiding me.
I’ll be direct.
I like you.
I liked you in the past, and I still like you now.
Actually, that evening, I wanted to hold your hand as you were walking down the hill.
But in the end, I couldn’t let go of my fear and couldn’t take that step. I’ve only just realized that.
I know how pathetic it is to try to pick up the pieces of a relationship I once broke. But I don’t want to have regrets anymore.
I want to continue moving forward with you.]

Even though it was just a letter, she felt immense joy at the words of love he had whispered.

Chae Seolha thought, looking at the small letter on her bed. It was crumpled and smudged in places.

Why are you doing this?
After being treated so badly, why are you still reaching out? I, of all people, shouldn’t be doing this.
So she wrote.

[Thank you for writing the letter. I understand your feelings well.
But I’ll be clear.
I have never liked you as a romantic partner.
Not in the past, and not even now, after reading your letter and thinking about it carefully. I don’t feel that way.
What I had for you was a twisted possessiveness.
I wasn’t treating you as a person, but as a doll to do the things I didn’t want to do and to vent my stress on. At some point, I started thinking of you as my property.
You must be familiar with that feeling. Yes, I was doing the same things as the people who bullied you.
I realized how terrible that was when I heard your story directly that day.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry, Dojin.
I’m sorry for using you all this time without any intention of reciprocating your feelings.
But I don’t like you.
No matter how much guilt I feel towards you, I can’t make up feelings that aren’t there.
So please, I hope you understand.]

Actually, I like you, but I can’t accept your feelings because of guilt.
But if she wrote that, the Dojin of now wouldn’t leave her alone. He would approach her even more, trying to melt away her guilt.

That can’t happen.

Therefore, she dropped a single drop of falsehood into the lake of her heart and, clenching her teeth, rejected his feelings.
Without leaving even a sliver of hope.

“…”

What’s the point of all this?
Even if I write this kind of letter, Dojin’s time, wasted because of me, won’t come back. The scars in Dojin’s heart won’t disappear.

The needle of guilt pricked her entire body mercilessly.
She would rather be condemned. To be berated by him in his anger, slapped, kicked, strangled. She wanted to pay the price for her actions, somehow.

Kill me.
Kill me instead, Dojin…

“Ugh, hhh…”

The tear-filled silence was broken by the vibration of her phone. Chae Seolha reached out and picked it up.

<Garyeon: Unni>

Chae Seolha’s heart sank. A chilling sensation swept over her goosebump-covered skin, and it felt as if every strand of her hair was catching fire, consuming her mind.

Raindrops tapping against the window, a silver thread stretched long in the gap of the door, a faintly trembling breath.

The scene from that day, which she had pushed to a corner of her mind, the precious feelings of someone she had torn to shreds and scattered on the ground, crawled out and choked her.

Chae Seolha, her fingers trembling, pressed the call button.

“Hello. Yes, Garyeon, it’s unni…”

…

“What do you mean by that?”

The hand holding the mug stopped abruptly. The blue eyes in front of her flickered from side to side, as if urging her to answer.
Chae Seolha took a deep breath and continued.

“…I rejected him.”
“Why, why did you reject him…? You’ve been waiting all this time.”

Yu Garyeon clutched her temple with one hand, overwhelmed by a wave of dizziness.

“Because being by his side will only hurt him.”

Chae Seolha’s expression was pained as she answered, biting her lip.

“Hurt.”

Yu Garyeon muttered, her head bowed, her voice hollow.

“So Garyeon, from now on, don’t worry about someone like me—”
“I…”

A blue teardrop trickled down Yu Garyeon’s nose. Beyond the hand covering her mouth, the sound of chattering teeth escaped.

“It’s because of me…”

Startled, Chae Seolha reached out to Yu Garyeon, but Yu Garyeon rejected her touch and stood up abruptly, running out of the cafe.

“Garyeon!”

Chae Seolha hurriedly tried to follow her, but it was nearly impossible to find her through the crowd in the shopping mall.

“…”

Chae Seolha’s lips trembled palely.

Why did it always end up like this? She had tried to resolve things well this time, but in the end, she had upset Garyeon and ruined everything.

“…Sob.”

She could only weep quietly.
Regretting everything she had done.