Chapter 15: If you have nothing to do, do you want to go see a movie?

“That jerk, hard to even catch a glimpse of him.”

A small party was held at a bar near the school to celebrate the end of the semester. Instead of proper dishes, something masquerading as food was on the table.
Overcooked, shriveled pieces of gopchang, watery tteokbokki, eomuk tang without any eomuk. They were all just appetizers to encourage drinking.
Yes, it was all about the alcohol. From morning till night, all they talked about was alcohol. It seemed like without that damn alcohol, relationships couldn’t progress.

But I absolutely hated alcohol. One reason was the taste—it made my tongue curl—but more than that, I didn’t like how it clouded my mind.
An unpleasant feeling, as if someone had entered my head and was forcibly manipulating my emotions, leading to a physiological aversion.

“I, hic, I did everything he asked, I didn’t even know, ugh, that bastard…”

A woman’s sobs came from a corner of the bar. The people around her were comforting her in loud voices.

Yes, that’s why I didn’t drink.
For fear that my ugly true nature, which I had carefully hidden, might be revealed…

I got up and left. As soon as I stepped outside, the chilly winter air stung my face. As I was about to light a cigarette, a man’s playful voice reached my ears.

“That jerk, hard to even catch a glimpse of you. You should say something when you arrive, why wander around alone?”
“If I’m there, the mood will just get awkward.”

It was Park Jungwoo, my classmate, who, despite his small stature, had become a central figure in our department with his casual attitude and witty banter.
I lit his cigarette with my lighter.

“Listen to him. Then why did you come today?”
“Just… I thought it wouldn’t be bad to come to a place like this once in a while, but it’s not my scene.”

He was a kind-hearted guy who always talked to me, despite my unpopularity within the department, so I also exchanged a few words with him whenever we met at school events or lectures.

“…Should I set things up for you?”

Park Jungwoo asked cautiously, glancing at my face as he smoked.

“Huh?”
“No, you should start participating in department activities again. There’s no one to bother you now, so don’t suffer alone—”
“It’s okay.”

I exhaled the smoke and continued.

“I’ve never participated in department activities, so there’s nothing to start again.”
“Then start now. A lot of people are interested in you after hearing about you from Dasom.”
“No thanks, I can barely handle the people I have now, adding more will just be tiring.”

Park Jungwoo muttered softly after hearing my words.

“The film club people?”
“Yeah.”
“Is it fun? There?”
“Yeah.”
“…Then forget it.”

Park Jungwoo sighed deeply. The smoke from his cigarette obscured the moon.

“So, how is it?”
“How is what?”
“How is it with the film club people? That’s why you came today, isn’t it?”
“What? No, I…”
“Bullshit. I’ve been watching you. You haven’t been drinking, you’ve just been staring at the other tables. I don’t know who you’re looking at since there are so many people.”

Park Jungwoo’s sharp observation made my heart sink.
He was right. One of the reasons I came to the party today was because I was concerned about her. I thought maybe I could get closer to her.
It didn’t work, though.

“Look at him, his face is all red from just one comment. You must really like her.”
“Shut up.”

I found his teasing tone annoying.

“So who is it?”
“Who is what?”
“I was thinking I could help you. I’m well-connected, you know. If you want—”

Park Jungwoo, his eyes crinkled into crescents, patted my shoulder.

“Well, you’re not going to tell me, are you? Just kidding, man. Relax. Sorry.”
“…Chae Seolha.”
“What?”

I shouldn’t have said it, but I blurted out her name.
Perhaps it was because I had kept her name hidden in my heart for too long. This is why I didn’t want to drink.

“Weird, right?”
“N-No. It’s just, um. I’m a little surprised.”
“It’s okay, I know it’s weird.”
“Hey, it’s really not like that. It’s just, I knew she was a strong-willed person, but I didn’t expect you to say it so directly.”

Park Jungwoo scratched his nose awkwardly.

“Dude, then you should at least sit next to her, pour her a drink, or something. You have to show her that you like her.”
“…”
“Hey, if you hesitate, someone else will snatch her away. Look, even now.”

Following Park Jungwoo’s gaze, I saw Chae Seolha inside the bar, laughing happily as she made soju bombs.
Sitting next to her was a boy known for his good looks in our department. He was constantly talking to Chae Seolha, creating a friendly atmosphere.
Then, I saw him holding Chae Seolha’s phone and typing something. Were they exchanging numbers?

“That, that… that bastard, hitting on another girl so soon after breaking up with his girlfriend?”

Park Jungwoo licked his lips impatiently.

“Let’s go in. If we leave them like that—”
“What can I do?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Whether someone hits on her or not, it’s Seolha’s decision. It’s not like I can do anything about it just because I don’t like it.”

I wasn’t being honest.

Actually, I hated it. Seeing another man sitting next to Seolha made my insides twist. As Park Jungwoo said, I wanted to barge in there, grab Seolha’s hand, and leave.
But I was scared. What if Seolha had even the slightest interest in that man? What if I was just in the way?
What if I ruined my relationship with Seolha by interfering? At least as friends, we could still see each other occasionally.

Countless past failures, where I had ruined everything by acting rashly, held me back.

“You…”

As Park Jungwoo frowned, seemingly fed up with my pathetic attitude, the bar door opened with a jingle.

“Ah, you were here. I was wondering where you went, you came out to smoke? You should have called me.”
“Oh? No, no, it’s just, you seemed busy.”

It was Chae Seolha. Park Jungwoo, flustered by her sudden appearance, waved his arms and muttered something.

“Oh? Jungwoo is here too. Sorry for interrupting, but I’ll borrow Dojin for a second.”
“Oh, s-sure. It’s okay. We weren’t talking about anything important anyway.”

As soon as she finished speaking, Chae Seolha grabbed my wrist. A warm sensation spread through my hand.

“Come on. If you’re at a bar, you should be drinking, why are you just chain-smoking?”

Chae Seolha’s face, as she smiled mischievously at me, was incredibly beautiful.

“Why?”
“Nothing.”

I felt a sense of kinship with Seolha. I couldn’t articulate it specifically, but I felt that we were similar somehow.
But Seolha had changed. Her greasy bun had transformed into sleek, straight hair, and the black tracksuit she used to wear was now a stylish coat.
Unlike me, stuck in the past, Seolha continued to move forward.

When Seolha realized that gap, when she was disappointed in me, what kind of expression would she make?
The thought alone filled me with unbearable fear.

“What’s wrong? Is there something on my face?”

Seolha’s voice erased the image of the bar that had been swirling in my mind. Her clear eyes looked directly at me.

“No, it’s nothing.”

****

“I’m sorry. I wanted to go with you, but my dad is picking me up.”
“Don’t be silly… Go quickly, your father must be waiting. Text me when you get home.”
“Okay. See you in two days.”

We watched Garyeon walk away for a moment, then started walking ourselves.

“Cold, cold, cold, I’m freezing to death. The first thing I’ll buy when I get a job is a car.”

Seolha muttered beside me, blowing on her hands. I couldn’t help but chuckle at her cute, flustered appearance.

“What are you laughing at? I won’t give you a ride even if you ask.”

When I get a job, huh?
Would I be sitting in the passenger seat, or the back seat? If it’s the back seat, who would be sitting next to you?

“Hey.”
“Yeah.”
“What are you doing tomorrow?”

“What else? Watching movies under the electric blanket.”
“How boring.”
“…Sounds like you have plans, Mr. Dojin?”

Seolha said, glancing at me.

“No, I don’t.”
“I see…”

Seolha chuckled at my answer. What was so amusing about my misfortune? We continued our meaningless banter until we reached the subway station.

“Then I’ll see you in two days. Have a good Christmas Eve.”

Seolha said playfully and turned towards the ticket gates. And I…

“Wait.”
“Huh?”

Seolha pouted at the ensuing silence.

“Why are you doing this? It’s freezing, and you’re stopping me for what?”
“It’s just…”

I had called out to her, but I didn’t know why myself. I just blurted it out, driven by a vague feeling of regret.

“It’s…”

I’m strange. Different from others. When I realized that what was normal for others was strange and significant to me, I wanted to strangle myself.
There was a time when I struggled to be normal, but it all ended in failure. Everything I did was a mistake, and I was afraid of interacting with people.

Seolha didn’t know my ugly true nature. I was just pretending to be normal. And I knew from countless experiences the disappointment and despair she would feel when she saw the real me.

For a coward, the fear of loss outweighs the joy of gaining something through courage.

I know. I know it. But…

“Tomorrow,”

I hated the thought of her walking down this street hand in hand with another man even more.
I didn’t want to lose Seolha.

“Do you want to watch a movie? It’s boring just staying at home.”

So I took a step forward, a prayer in my heart.

“What?”

Seolha blinked, her expression puzzled. Every time her eyelids fluttered down, I trembled like a condemned prisoner on the guillotine.
The longer the silence stretched, the more anxious I became, my breath catching in my throat.

“No, a movie. The newly released one.”
“…”

I lowered my head, afraid to see her confused expression any longer.

“N-Never mind. I’ll see you in two days—”
“…Should we go?”
“Huh?”

Seolha said, fiddling with her hair with an indifferent expression.

“A movie. I’ll just get nagged by my mom if I stay at home anyway.”

I tried to read her expression. She seemed reluctant, flustered, and resigned all at once.
But that was enough.

“Then, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I tried to answer as casually as possible.

“Sure. What time?”
“Six… no, seven. Around seven thirty. In the evening.”
“Where?”
“Uh, the park behind your house. You know, in front of the clock tower we always see.”
“Okay.”

Seolha said that and headed towards the ticket gate.

“See you tomorrow.”

Her hand waved at me. I stood there at the ticket gate for a long time, until her hand disappeared from sight.