Chapter 13: Because I liked you

Chae Seolha sat on the cement stairs connecting the alley to the residential area.
Disheveled black hair, dust-covered clothes, scratches on her face, a broken high heel. Her miserable appearance, almost painful to describe, was tinged red in the evening glow.

But as if oblivious to her own state, Chae Seolha sat on the stairs, irritably clicking her lighter, trying to light the cigarette in her mouth.

How did she find me? How did she know where I was? Did she pull some strings like when she found out my phone number?

All sorts of possibilities flashed through my mind. But the important thing was that she had come looking for me.

Of course, she might have come to tell me to return to work again. Or perhaps to berate me for leaving the company with just a piece of paper.
The possibility of my words reaching her heart was also unknown.

Still, I would continue to face her, talk to her, and find a way to resolve this. I would try to understand. No, I want to understand.
And that way, I would take a step towards a proper ending.

I finally felt the waves within me calming down.

“Didn’t you quit smoking?”

Looking closely, I noticed small scratches that weren’t visible from afar.
The heel of her high heel was broken, and the stockings covering her feet were stained crimson. Her black hair, which used to exude a clean, fresh aura, was now covered in dust. Her eye makeup was smudged from tears.

“Chae Seolha.”
“…?”

Chae Seolha didn’t answer my question. She just stared at me blankly, as if seeing a ghost.
Plip, plip, the sound of blood dripping from her feet echoed on the cement floor. Crushed cigarette butts, soaked in blood, lay scattered around her feet.

“Wait here. Don’t go anywhere.”

Leaving the frozen Chae Seolha behind, I went to a nearby convenience store and bought bandages, antiseptic, ointment, and slippers.

“Take these off.”
“Yu Dojin…?”

I pointed to the stockings she was wearing, but Chae Seolha just moved her lips slightly, still staring at me with a dazed expression.

“We need to disinfect it before it gets infected. Quickly.”
“…It hurts.”

Chae Seolha’s soft voice tickled my ears. The sight of her, weaker than ever, made my heart ache.

“It hurts…”

I saw her scratched hands and broken, bleeding fingernails. It would be difficult for her to exert any force in that state.

“Stay still.”

I opened the antiseptic and carefully applied it to her wounds with the attached cotton swab.

“Ow, ow…”
“Just bear with it a little longer.”

Her small hands, covered in bandages, looked so fragile, as if they would break at any moment.

“Now, take these off.”
“I can’t.”

Chae Seolha looked at me as she spoke. Her tear-filled eyes, like those of a fallen child, silently urged me.

“Don’t move.”

I held the stocking covering her knee and slowly pulled it down, careful not to hurt her.

“Tell me if it hurts.”

No response.

“Ow, ow…”
“Just a little more.”

I applied antiseptic, ointment, and bandages to her feet, just like I did with her hands.
Every time I applied a bandage, Chae Seolha’s warmth traveled through my fingertips.

“All done.”

I sat down next to Chae Seolha and handed her a cigarette I had bought at the convenience store.

“Here.”

Chae Seolha hesitated for a moment, then took the cigarette and put it in her mouth. Her bandaged fingers precariously held the cigarette.
I carefully lit the cigarette with my lighter. With a short hiss, the cigarette lit up, and smoke curled towards the early summer sunset.

“…”
“….”

How long has it been since we sat side by side like this, smoking?

I started smoking because I wanted to get closer to Seolha. I quit with her when Garyeon told me it was bad for my health.
I wanted to stay in this moment a little longer. The desire stirred within me.

“What’s going on?”

But it was time to move on.

“You surprised me, showing up looking like you’re about to die.”

So I spoke.

“You didn’t have to come all the way here—”
“Don’t bullshit me.”

Chae Seolha’s curse cut me off. Her eyes, which had been shimmering like gemstones in the sunset glow, now blazed with anger.

“Don’t bullshit me, Yu Dojin. You told me not to contact you? That we shouldn’t see each other again? You would have blocked me again if I called.”
“Seolha, I…”
“It hurt. It hurt. I came here as soon as I heard you were here, but it was so vast, so I ran around, asking everyone, I even went up to the park on the hill to see if I could spot you, and then my heel broke, and I rolled down this damn hill. But I still wanted to find you, I wanted to see you, and then I came to my senses and realized I looked like this…!”
“Seolha.”
“It hurts, it hurts. I can only taste blood in my mouth. Every step feels like walking on shards of glass. Why do I have to be in so much pain? Why are you getting angry over such trivial things? I consider you my precious friend, my only one, my heart aches when you’re not around, I miss you. What am I to you? Just a toy to play with and throw away when you’re bored?”
“I’m sorry for lashing out and leaving without a proper explanation.”

Chae Seolha’s eyes widened at my words. But they quickly narrowed, glaring at me.

“…What’s this all of a sudden? After making such a fuss just a few days ago. Do you have some ulterior motive?”
“No.”
“Don’t lie!”

Chae Seolha’s sharp voice pierced my ears. I shook my head and spoke again.

“I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Talk…?”
“Yes, I want to talk and understand.”
“Don’t give me that crap.”

Chae Seolha’s bloodshot eyes pierced through me.

“Talk? Bullshit. I paid you a salary as your boss. I found you a job that suited your aptitude. I cooked you healthy meals. I chose clothes that suited you. I took care of you so that nothing bad would happen. I took you to places that were trending on Instagram. I took you to expensive restaurants that ordinary people can’t even go to. I did everything I could for you as a friend. What is there to talk about? What did you hate so much? It doesn’t make sense. Huh? Was it just because of a few curse words? Where can you find someone like me? Where can you find a friend like me? Where can you find a workplace like this? Where can you find such a happy life? Ask anyone on the street. They’d switch places with you in a heartbeat.”

Her small body trembled.

“And yet, what? Resigning? Ending this tiresome relationship? What hardship have you even faced? What do you even lack? What more do I have to do for you?!”

Thick, sticky emotions, like mud, poured out of her endlessly. Yes, let it all out. I remained silent, my mouth open, receiving her mud.

“I know, but I don’t need those things.”

And when her outburst subsided, I finally spoke the words I had wanted to say all along, the words I had pushed to the back of my mind.

“What?”
“Remember the furniture street? The place we used to go to in college?”

I spoke softly, with the heart of a prayer.

“What are you talking about all of a sudden? Just answer my ques—”
“I went there today after a long time, and that store is still there. You know, the one where we broke the chair.”

Chae Seolha blinked, dumbfounded.

“What are you trying to say? Why are you bringing up that shabby neighborhood now?”

Shabby neighborhood.

“It’s different now. It’s too early to call it a success, but it’s different from when we scraped by to save every penny. We can go anywhere we want now. We don’t have to cling to that crappy alley—”
“My eyes hurt.”
“What?”
“That Lotte World Tower you took me to last time, the lights were too bright, and my eyes hurt.”
“What are you talking about?”

I continued to pour out the words I had bottled up.

“I don’t know about the food at that restaurant you took me to, the one with the famous chef.”
“What…?”
“There were so many people everywhere we went, I could barely see your face.”

The observation deck of the luxurious skyscraper we could only dream of in college, and the high-end restaurant we had to book months in advance.

You were only concerned about the restaurant’s reputation, the taste and price of the food. Even though we went together, I wasn’t there beside you.

“Seolha.”

Chae Seolha looked up at my call.

“I liked chatting with you on the subway after class.”

Her eyes, looking at me, started to tremble slightly. Her tightly closed lips still quivered in confusion.

“I liked buying ice cream at the convenience store and sitting side by side, spending time together. I wanted to see your face again, peeking through your hair as we walked down those small hills.”
“…So what do you want me to do?”
“I just wanted to walk that street with you.”

The precious place, feelings, and memories only we could share. I wanted to walk there with you again and confirm what I meant to you.
I wanted to confirm our relationship.

“We can go to restaurants anytime, with anyone, if we have the money. But that street is different. It’s just an old alley without you. That’s why I wanted to go there with you.”

That was all I needed.

“This is ridiculous.”

Chae Seolha let out a harsh breath and ran a hand through her hair.

“That’s what you wanted? Going to that dump was your dream? Fine, let’s say it is. Then why didn’t you tell me? You could have just said you hated it, that you didn’t want to go, instead of hinting. Why didn’t you quit if you were so miserable with us? Huh? You said it was hard. Why did you spend a year putting on that ridiculous act? Were you playing a prank? Or was it because of your career? What were we, what was I to you? Why, why…! It doesn’t make sense! You asshole!”

Chae Seolha’s mournful cry echoed in my ears.

Words, the link between people. The direct means of conveying my feelings to others. As Chae Seolha said, there were always opportunities to speak up.

But I was afraid. Afraid of conveying my thoughts to others, afraid of how the relationship would change if I expressed my opinions.

Yes, it’s all an excuse. The reason I couldn’t say those words, in the end, was…

“…Because I didn’t want you to abandon me.”

That was all.

“Because I’ve always liked you.”

I just didn’t want to be hated by you, the person I liked. I didn’t want to be abandoned.
I believed that if I endured and put up with everything, someday, I would be chosen by you.

“What?”

But that thought itself was wrong. I should have faced you, even if it was scary, instead of giving up.
I just sat there, doing nothing, waiting for something to change.