Maybe I’m really not cut out to be a teacher after all

Silently, student Garbage turns his gaze away from Waden, who is glaring at him fiercely.

I thought he was racking his brain for an excuse, but even that ended up being dismissed with a sneer.

“…Hah, everything was going so well, and you had to butt in.”

Was the sarcasm directed at me?

But on the other hand, his voice also sounded somewhat relieved.

As I watched quietly without intervening, Garbage shrugged his shoulders and began to face Waden.

“Yes, I threw the flowerpot at that bitch. It would have been better if she had just died.”

“P-Prince Trish…”

“You guys stay back. You were just keeping watch.”

Is he looking after his own people well?

As if deciding to go all out now that everything has been revealed, Garbage began to cross his arms with a smug smile.

As if he thinks he can get through this situation without any responsibility… No, he probably doesn’t think that.

The student guidance department of this academy is thoroughly trained to adhere to principles and rules regardless of who the other party is or what they demand.

While they might be able to cover up incidents to avoid being perceived by the public’s eyes and ears, once caught, it’s inevitable that a disciplinary committee will be convened.

“If I confess now, I won’t be expelled, right?”

Yet somehow, that confident attitude…

Could it be that he doesn’t even have any awareness of what he’s done?

“Then punish me if you’re going to. I’ll accept whatever it is, whether it’s confinement in the punishment wing or suspension.”

“…Are you not grasping the current situation?”

“I am. Even if it’s attempted, since I threw it with the intention to kill, I’ll receive the maximum punishment short of expulsion.”

No, even if expulsion is sentenced, this child won’t regret what he’s done.

He wouldn’t offer to take the punishment on behalf of his followers if it was just about absolving the crime.

The fact that he’s taking such a risk despite having much to be responsible for as royalty means that he himself wants to bear it.

“But senior. You do know why everyone who watched at the time kept their mouths shut, right?”

“…You committed the act because everyone was quiet?”

“It’s only prohibited by school rules, but everyone thought what I did was justified, so they didn’t report it.”

The public supports him…

Yes, for a leader, that could also be a reason.

Moreover, it’s not the common people, but students from noble and royal backgrounds who deemed what he did as right.

That in itself could be interpreted as an honor, without exaggeration.

That thoughtless boy committed the act intoxicated with a hero complex under their support, like a revolutionary prepared to shed blood to change the country.

“Well, it’s natural, isn’t it? After all, she’s the bloodline of someone who disgraced the Emperor of the Empire who contributed to bringing about the era of peace. Yet she shows no signs of leaving on her own, oblivious to the situation. Doesn’t someone have to dirty their hands?”

“…So you took it upon yourself to play that role. Is that the motive?”

“I’m aware that breaking the rules is wrong. I’m prepared for whatever punishment I receive.”

A wide grin spreads across his face.

The look in his eyes as he gazed at the fierce-eyed head of student guidance before him was filled with triumphant emotion.

As if confident that he too would sympathize with him, even though he was bound by procedure.

“Honestly, aren’t you grateful to me too, Head of Student Guidance? In a position where you have to uphold school rules, seeing the bloodline of a murderer walking around right in front of you…”

“Litova.”

Was it too hard to keep watching this arrogant kid?

Waden, pressing down his cap, called out to the vice-head who was about to write down the situation.

“Prepare to convene the disciplinary committee soon. Make sure to note that leniency should be considered since he confessed despite the clear forgery of the scene.”

“…Is that really okay?”

“Our role is to restrain problem students up to this point. Any further judgment should be left to others.”

Yes, no matter how unsatisfactory, rules must be followed.

Even if there’s a revision of rules later, until that time comes, punishment beyond the rules shouldn’t be imposed.

If judgments are made based on emotions, order will be disrupted and eventually everyone will try to speak only of their own desires.

In the end, if it leans towards the story of those with louder voices and more sympathy, everything in society will revolve strictly around profit, and all that will remain in the end is a messy fight for vested interests.

“There’s a lot I want to say, but I’ll keep quiet for now. Garbage Trish, you’ll be waiting in the punishment wing until the disciplinary committee is convened. Do you have any objections to that?”

“None. If what I want to achieve goes against the system, it’s natural to be prepared for punishment.”

So Waden is not at fault.

It would be ridiculous for me, an adult, to hold him responsible in the first place.

Yes, because I’m an adult.

“Garbage Trish, was it?”

But why am I.

Preparing to do something immature at this moment?

“…Teacher Seine?”

Waden calls out to me as if he’s noticed something.

But unfortunately, I didn’t have enough composure left in my heart to respond.

“Do you really think what you did was right?”

Just as much as possible.

Suppressing the emotions I felt while listening to the current conversation, I just looked down at Garbage, who was still looking at me with a crooked gaze.

“…What are you talking about?”

Is it that my behavior seems laughable to him?

Garbage, who let out a snort, stood up and began to look up at me with an arrogant attitude, as if about to poke my chin with his high nose.

“Teacher, I won’t say anything about you treating that child. After all, you’re just doing your job, like the student guidance department.”

Yes, I’m just being faithful to my duties as a health teacher.

Treating injured students, making no exceptions in that process. Whether they’ve committed a crime or not, whether they’re commoners or nobles, there should be no distinction.

Performing duties without exception. The difference between Waden and me is just whether we’re a teacher or a student.

“But now it seems like you’re trying to lecture me, why are you interfering and making a big deal out of something that other teachers would just turn a blind eye to?”

Moreover, this academy is in a state where teacher interference in student affairs is kept to a minimum.

With the disciplinary committee already scheduled to be convened, no one would look favorably on personally lecturing a student who isn’t even under one’s charge.

“Oh, of course, I’m willing to take responsibility for what I did, but you stepping up like this when everyone else is keeping quiet… It won’t look good to others.”

Unless the student truly feels guilty about what they’ve done and has an attitude ready to receive admonishment.

“Or could it be that you sincerely think what I did was wrong? Even though you clearly know whose daughter that person is?”

Yes, so the correct answer here would be to coolly step back.

At least if I consider my position and follow the rules.

Furthermore, if I care about public perception.

“Don’t be hypocritical. That person is detestable anyway…”

-Slap!!!

But my hand was already striking this child’s cheek.

With enough force to make the veins on the back of my hand stand out.

“…Huh?”

Garbage clutches his cheek, stinging with pain.

As everyone is surprised, he begins to look up at me with an expression of incomprehension.

As if he hadn’t expected something like this to happen…

Yes, I feel the same way.

It wasn’t that I held back, this was the first time I had raised a hand to strike a student, unable to control my own emotions.

“W-What is this now. You just hit me… Ugh!?”

“Garbage.”

I grabbed his collar and pulled him in front of me, matching our eye levels.

Did he notice the meaning in my coldly hardened gaze?

After initial resistance, his actions soon froze as if fixed in mid-air.

“Student Garbage Trish.”

It’s a small body.

Small and light for his high nose…

Yes, is this what it means to be young?

Was what I just did raising a hand against this small, immature child?

“Teacher understands why you did such a thing.”

“Th-Then why…”

“Of course, everyone would welcome it when the Empire finally captures and hangs a notorious murderer. But if his daughter is openly attending school, it would be natural to feel upset.”

That empathy is absolutely not a lie.

After all, I was one of the people who contemplated whether to kill Viscount Jogret or not.

Even I, who was in the business of saving lives, felt such conflict, which shows how terrible he was as a human being, even if competent as a soldier.

“Using that common ground, I’m going to ask you a few questions, and I’d like you to answer quietly.”

But when even I, who felt that way, didn’t lay a hand on him, how should I take it when a child I’ve never even met reaches out based on just rumors?

“Have you ever seen a corpse?”

“W-What…”

“I asked if you’ve ever seen a human corpse with your own eyes… That’s what I asked.”

Probably not.

In poor areas, there might be quite a few people who die from starvation or disease, but as royalty, he would have grown up seeing only good things, so such cases would be rare.

This child knows nothing.

What it feels like for a person to die.

“W-Why are you asking such…”

“Then have you ever had blood on your hands?”

What it feels like to commit such an act with your own hands.

“Have you ever properly held a weapon with a sharpened edge in these hands, not a training one?”

“What…”

“Have you ever stabbed someone with that weapon?”

“What are you saying…”

“Have you ever heard someone you stabbed scream right next to you?”

I know I shouldn’t be doing this.

“Have you ever heard the sound of blood gurgling up as they try to force out a scream even after their voice is completely hoarse?”

Telling someone’s experience to a child who knows nothing.

I know it’s wrong to talk about my own experiences.

“Have you ever heard the sound of bones crumbling like powder as they thrash about in pain, hitting their body everywhere, and forcibly move their broken bones?”

Yet my mouth keeps moving.

Once opened, it continues like a floodgate bursting.

“Do you know how insignificantly people are crushed when buried under buildings that have collapsed so miserably that even those sounds are drowned out? Have you ever smelled the scent when flames burning above char living flesh?”

“I don’t know such…”

“Of course you’ve never been so desperately hungry that even such smells seem fragrant.”

His body flinches to a stop.

It seems like nausea is rushing in just from imagining it, but ironically, I was someone who couldn’t even feel such things anymore.

“Have you ever hidden your body in the corpse of a comrade you were joking around with just yesterday? Have you ever covered your mouth and nose until they tore, trying to stifle even the sound of your breathing for fear of being discovered hiding there?”

Ten years was enough time to become like that.

No, in fact, it probably didn’t even take a year to become that way.

“Have you ever imagined what it feels like to ambush an enemy commander passing by, cutting off their head in a desperate attempt to survive, and then rushing towards the remaining enemies while screaming madly with your face stained by the blood flowing from that severed head?”

Maybe half a year, a week, a day…

“When you see the bodies trampled by those fleeing enemies, and realize from the portrait in the locket on their chest that they too had a family…”

Or that moment of near-total annihilation in the first operation.

“When you see such people strewn across the hills to the horizon, and further realize how much blood was shed on this land even before us… You probably didn’t even know until now that there are people who have experienced standing there, looking up at the empty sky with such feelings.”

I realized that even those I had thought were just people to be killed were ultimately in the same situation.

Such bastards fighting as if to kill each other, and the dead ones left abandoned without even knowing their names…

I realized that the miserable survivors who could do nothing but blankly look up at the sky while standing on top of such corpses were what the world calls heroes.

I was one of those bastards.

That damn Viscount was one of those bastards.

“…It doesn’t end.”

It was an era when such bastards kept increasing as time passed.

“No matter how much time passes, it doesn’t end. Because it doesn’t end, everyone becomes a son of a bitch. Because we have to be more cruel to scare the enemies. Because we have to be more cold-hearted to endure it.”

As if filling the vacant spaces of those already gone, the replacements had somehow become such trash.

“Nothing…”

I hoped it would end with my generation.

Those who have already experienced it can’t be helped, but those who haven’t yet…

“I hoped none of that would be passed on to you kids, so why…”

I could understand if it was those damn adults who had already gone through such times, but I hoped that at least the children wouldn’t even know that such things existed.

I hoped for an era where even the most immature child wouldn’t need to spew hatred towards someone they’ve never even met… but.

“Teacher.”

Was it too much to see me being swayed by such memories?

The head of student guidance calls out to me carefully.

When I noticed that his gaze had changed to one of bewilderment unlike before, it was then that the image of the boy whose collar I was gripping entered my eyes.

“Ah, uh…”

A trembling face.

It’s not because he understands my words.

It’s just because he doesn’t understand. Why is the person in front of him looking down so fiercely and muttering such horrible things when he thought he had done the right thing?

Just from indirectly hearing about a reality he has never experienced before, confusion fills his heart, and the fear stemming from it gradually begins to approach as a sense of guilt.

The moment when guilt is felt even though the reason doesn’t sink in…

Yes, this is typically how a child exposed to an adult’s sadism forcing experiences reacts.

Just like my past life self.

“I understand how you feel, but you’re too excited. Please calm down first…”

“I’m sorry.”

I released my grip on his collar and quietly left the student guidance office.

I heard voices calling me from behind, but I deliberately ignored them.

Just walking alone in the corridor, looking down at the hand that had struck a student.

“…Maybe I’m really not cut out to be a teacher after all.”

I just realized that I had broken the promise I made before becoming a teacher…

The promise not to hit students with these hands.