A Human Who Desires What They Fear

It was hot. It was so hot that my mind went blank and I forgot where I was. Feeling dizzy as if I had downed an entire bottle of vodka without a single sip, when everything was over, when we were both naked and embracing each other, I realized that my memory of what had happened was vague.

Duey was smiling behind me, brushing back her sweat-soaked blonde hair.

“You were quite intense.”

I received such an evaluation without even remembering what I had done. The talk of being devoured wasn’t just a metaphor, vague fear, or groundless worry. I couldn’t remember. What on earth had happened? What had I done to her, what had she done to me?

Wondering if there were marks left on my body, I examined both arms but found no kiss marks. Looking down at my naked body and checking the back of my neck through the plastic mirror nearby, there were no traces. If so, it was strange. Because Catherine Duey’s body was covered in kiss marks that seemed to have been left by me just now.

Did I attack? It clearly started with her pouncing on me, and even now she’s lying on top of me, but did I actually do the attacking? Was it me who left those numerous red marks as if cupping therapy had been done? Did Hoang Thi Linh play a trick? Is it some kind of hypnosis? Am I still in a hypnotic state even at this moment?

A chilling fear wrapped around my body, enough to cool the hot lust. Seeing my expression harden, the French lieutenant tied her loosened hair back and raised her body. It was a well-shaped body. Opposite to Briar’s voluptuous figure, it was a slender and well-proportioned body that gave an agile impression.

“Was it not good for you? I was fine even though it hurt a little.”

“Hurt? What could have possibly hurt…”

She slightly lifted her tied hair to reveal the back of her neck. On her nape was a clear bite mark that looked as if I had just bitten her. Unless someone had barged in midway and bitten her before leaving, this must have been my doing.

“Uh…”

“It’s fortunate it’s winter. I don’t need to make excuses since I can cover my whole body with a coat.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“Honestly, I don’t mind the kiss marks. But having bite marks is annoying to explain. Barbie will see it, but that’s not something I can help.”

What on earth did I do? Wondering if I might have really been drugged, I pressed my head, but there were no after-effects like those from drugs or hypnosis. There wasn’t even a hangover like after drinking enough alcohol to black out.

Rather, my mind was clear. I felt so refreshed that I even felt a sense of exhilaration as if someone had just slashed me to pieces with a knife and then neatly rearranged me.

I picked up a bra that was carelessly strewn on the floor and started to put it on. Because the room was dark, I hadn’t noticed, but it wasn’t mine. I had unconsciously put it on because our body sizes were similar.

“Hm? Do you want that?”

Duey asked, looking amused at my action. I hastily shook my head and unfastened the bra’s hook again.

“No, I was just out of it.”

“Take it if you want. We’ve touched each other enough to know. We’re close enough to swap clothes if we want to. It might be difficult with you and Churchill… hmm, you and Zhou Lizhi might not quite match in size either, but it seems like you and I would fit well.”

“I can’t.”

“I want to exchange.”

“I don’t mind exchanging itself. But I’m scared of what my roommate might say if she sees.”

Hearing my explanation, Duey obediently swapped underwear with me again. Her action of naturally taking my clothes, knowing they weren’t hers, felt scary.

“Briar Churchill will notice anyway. She has keen senses, and even if she didn’t, what happened between us… is something she could notice if she pays a little attention. Would you get scolded more for swapping one more piece of underwear?”

“Doesn’t that sound like a serious relationship?”

“Hm?”

“The reason my roommate tolerates my relationship with Zhou is because it’s somewhat of a political relationship.”

“Or, you’re pretending it’s a political relationship.”

I couldn’t refute that. I couldn’t completely deny that I harbored some… perhaps too large to be described as just “some” personal feelings for Zhou Lizhi.

“At least if it looks that way on the surface, there’s some willingness to accept it? Are you dating Briar Churchill? Officially?”

“…There might have been some talk about it.”

“You avoided a definite answer.”

“It’s not a situation where I can.”

“Churchill is secretly quite loyal, isn’t she?”

Catherine Duey asked. I was surprised by the accuracy of Duey’s expression, but thinking about it, Duey had always been sharp and accurate especially when it came to these kinds of issues. It wasn’t surprising that she could pinpoint Briar Churchill’s true nature so accurately.

“…I’m afraid because I feel like I’ve trampled on something.”

“There are people who fear what they hate.”

The French lieutenant said something out of the blue. I blinked and asked her after putting on my top and bottom.

“You’re stating the obvious. Doesn’t everyone fear what they hate, rather than fearing what they love?”

“There are also people who fear what they desire more than what they hate.”

“Well, if it’s such a childish story about awakening the desire within me…”

“When such childish stories happen in reality, they don’t end childishly.”

“…”

“Many supervillains have committed tremendous crimes led by such fears? Explosion-type superhumans independently blowing up nuclear power plants, electronic-type superhumans hacking nuclear weapon facilities. There was even an incident where a mental control ability user tried to spark a world war by mind-controlling the leaders of great powers. They were all caught by the League of Nations’ heroes, but an interesting commonality was found in their interviews.”

They’re all well-known supervillains. Some are people I’ve seen in textbooks during training, and for some, I’ve even participated in suppression operations. Of course, as I had to hide my identity, I was only in charge of rear support missions rather than engaging in front-line combat.

There isn’t just one or two things pointed out as commonalities among such supervillains. Family background, strange ideologies, even movie or game preferences… There are many analyzed materials and many papers on them. Not to mention the numerous classified documents from intelligence agencies.

But what will Duey tell me? What perspective will she show this time to surprise me?

“I’m a bit curious. What’s the commonality?”

“They feared their targeted targets more than anything else in the world.”

“…Hmm.”

“They targeted nuclear weapons because they feared war caused by nuclear weapons the most. They chose nuclear power plant leaks and the resulting fallout as a means to ruin the world because they were so terrified of it. But at the same time, if they hadn’t desired such destruction, they wouldn’t have done such things. Supervillains are born when power is given to those who desire what they fear most.”

“…”

“You violated the fire freely. To the point of forgetting yourself. It’s impossible without desire. Isn’t that right?”

“I should get up now. Bri probably went out for a walk today, I should at least take a shower before she returns so she doesn’t notice…”

“For whatever reason, fire ruined your world, didn’t it? Right? You, you fear fire, don’t you? It has destroyed your world, your worldview at some point, right?”

“This isn’t a topic I want to discuss with you right now. It doesn’t seem appropriate as a post-relationship conversation topic either.”

“If you’ve had such an experience, you can’t help but fear fire. And at the same time, you can’t help but desire it. Because the tool that destroyed your world would be the most appropriate tool to destroy others’ worlds. How would you resist that temptation?”

She tilted her head back again, revealing her bite mark. It was the most definitive evidence that I, Shin Eun-young, had lustfully violated her, losing even my reason during that time.

“Thank you for the blue flame. Now France will join that great destiny too.”

“Come to think of it, you were supposed to tell me important facts about Chen Yayuan.”

“There are no important facts about Chen Yayuan.”

“Are you saying you lied to me?”

“But I’ll tell you a fact I’ve been hiding about that blue flame.”

I nodded as I prepared to walk out of the audiovisual room. Catherine Duey said:

“That flame is deeply related to my desire. Because it’s what I see. That destiny I think is great. It’s an ability to see through those who possess the desire to realize that destiny I believe is great. It doesn’t matter if you believe it or not. It doesn’t matter if you ask how I know. I just know. I can just recognize those who have the ambition to realize my desires.”

“What are your desires?”

“World War. Another stage for our people to make the Gallic lion, bent and intoxicated by a terrible plague, roar again.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Thank you for the flame. Now this Duey can lend a hand on your great path.”

I slammed the door shut as I left the audiovisual room.