Still (3)

I tried to ignore Erica. After hitting my head hard with my own hands several times, and feeling my brain shake, I didn’t speak nonsense anymore.

“We’re busy, aren’t we? Hurry up and guide me.”

If I stubbornly refuse, she’d know there’s no way out.

After many confrontations with her until now, it was very easy to show that this atmosphere wasn’t advantageous for her at all.

“If you reject me now, there won’t be any skinship you want in the future.”

“That’s good news.”

Because I don’t have to smile anymore.

Erica, whose expression visibly distorted, hesitated, then took a few deep breaths in front of me and opened her mouth again.

“Think about it carefully. One more time. Hm? No, never mind. You heard me correctly, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I said no. There won’t be any skinship in the future. If you don’t hug me now.”

“What am I, a child? Hugging at every opportunity.”

“You’ve been doing that until now!”

Her gentle voice echoed in the desolate station. Although it wasn’t a loud voice, it echoed a few times and disappeared due to the vast station.

I pondered, looking at her face that seemed about to cry at any moment.

Hugging, being hugged. Sharing an embrace and burying my face in her chest.

Before sharing once more the heart pierced with screws and nails, there was nothing as easy as covering a hazy mind with physical contact.

Still. But.

“Now that I look at it, it seems like you want to do it.”

Maybe because she was trying to calm her rough breathing, there was no answer.

“If you want it that much, I’ll hug you. I will.”

I approached and embraced her. More precisely, it became a situation where I was embracing her.

Well, whatever. It’s because I usually act like a child.

I could smell her scent that I wanted to inhale all day.

“Are you nervous? Why is your heart pounding so much?”

“You know. You, you know everything…! Why are you pretending not to know, especially at times like this…?”

Her voice gradually faded away as if she lost strength towards the end. I smiled slightly and buried my face in her chest. Stiff uniform. Skin that isn’t. Not bad.

Though not warm.

“Shall we go now?”

I ignored her words and separated from her. Looking at her dumbfounded face, I continued speaking. The fifth sentence that was scheduled to open in a few days was also striding in the air.

“This will be our last trip together.”

The first place we set foot in was a small hotel in Seodaemun-gu. Perhaps due to the Association’s care, it was a building clearly different in quality from the hotels we had seen while moving here.

After checking the reservation at the desk and going through the procedure, we entered the hotel room. A room neither big nor small. There were two beds. That’s fortunate.

“So we’re drinking here.”

“……”

Erica was silent. This behavior was familiar. When I occasionally threw a sincere tantrum, she wouldn’t even deal with me for at least a few hours.

Of course, most of that was my fault.

Without feeling any particular guilt, I glanced at Erica. She was unpacking a few bags brought into the room and turning around again with an expressionless face.

“…Let’s go.”

“Okay.”

The destination was the Association headquarters located in Seodaemun-gu, Seoul.

When we talked about the time to set foot in the headquarters on the train, we quickly moved on without even broaching the subject properly. Even now, even if the situation has changed and it’s widely known that I’m cooperative with the Gyeonggi branch, it was clear that the headquarters’ view wouldn’t be altruistic at all.

In other words, it meant that I couldn’t confidently enter the Association headquarters like I stayed at the Gyeonggi branch. At least in terms of work, it was clear that confusion would be amplified. I would be embarrassed again.

If those with nasty personalities, that is, the distinctive rankers of the headquarters, were to see me, it’s clear that a situation where sharp things would be exchanged back and forth would be created.

So Erica held back her words. She was considerate of me. For a few days, that is, during the period of staying at the Association, while Erica was working at the Association, it meant that I wouldn’t be able to see her.

Some might think it’s just a trivial matter of not seeing each other’s face for a while. But that wasn’t applicable in the relationship between her and me. Looking back, I was pathologically dependent on her – now I was just sitting on that boundary line – and she, on the contrary, was an existence that fully embraced me.

In my life that doesn’t have much left, if I were to lose even a few days of time to see her, it feels like my heart would be torn apart.

If I apologize now and ask if she can’t just not work, what kind of expression would she make? To hug me so tightly that it hurts…

But if I were to follow such a sequence, this plan that I created by tearing out a part of my life would never succeed.

For a beautiful world, a situation where she points a sword at me, excluding any personal feelings, wouldn’t be created.

I sighed while following Erica. The disturbed breath was quite pitiful.

After changing transportation several times and stopping our walk, we could see the Association headquarters. Perhaps due to many incidents, it wasn’t a building that could be considered intact. The damaged parts were visible to the eye.

“Is this far enough for seeing me off?”

When I said that, Erica turned her head towards me after a moment of silence. My body naturally trembled as I met her eyes that seemed cold at a glance.

I can’t expect warmth. We’ve fallen out too much. It can’t be dismissed as just an ordinary small quarrel like usual.

Was what you hoped for really my death?

“Let me know when work is done. Call me again when you need me. Does it end in the evening? I won’t be able to see you for most of the day for a few days.”

“You don’t need to wait.”

“What do you mean?”

There wasn’t a hint of sharpness in her calm tone.

Just a completely soft voice.

“The headquarters called for me, but I don’t particularly intend to comply. I’ll quickly handle the assigned work and spend the remaining time freely. I’m just going to show my face now.”

“Uh, well. But it’s your job, isn’t it? You going to that place…”

Your position. Your affiliation. And your path was all in that direction. Hostile to me.

It should have been originally.

“There’s something more important now.”

Her slender finger pointed at me.

“I plan to pay more attention and stay by your side more.”

And so I replied without hesitation.

“Why are you doing this much for me?”

“Because I want to let you know.”

“What exactly?”

My vision shook.

“Life.”

I wanted to cry. But I held it in tightly.

A brilliant adult doesn’t cry. They just endure silently.

You can long for something, but you shouldn’t throw tantrums.

A predetermined sequence and an unchangeable fate.

What I really hoped for in the end.

I tightly closed my mouth and clenched my fists.

I lie.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

I grabbed my coat and looked at the items being loaded into the vehicle. A few hunters who came down from the headquarters were talking with Erica.

“Let’s see… This is the end of the relief supplies. Yes, you just need to sign.”

“Thank you.”

“This is a job that could be entrusted to low-ranking hunters.”

“It’s because the Director ordered it.”

“Ah, is that so?”

The hunter, who seemed unaware of the internal circumstances, nodded vaguely, exchanged recent news, and bowed his head.

“It would be nice if you could stay longer. I’d like to hear about the work in Gyeonggi too.”

“Next time when there’s an opportunity, sure.”

When Erica gestured, I followed her and got into the vehicle. Fortunately, their gazes were focused on Erica, so there was no need to nervously worry.

I sat awkwardly and leaned back in the seat. The driver in the driver’s seat glanced at me through the rearview mirror.

My heart raced. At the same time, my body leaned. The touch I had always felt tickled my hair. After leaning on Erica, I blinked my eyes a few times.

“Please depart quickly.”

“Ah, yes. I’m sorry.”

“It’s even better if you don’t look this way.”

“Yes, yes sir.”

The driver stuttered in response to Erica’s words.

The touch that was freely violating my hair trailed down my cheek. It pinched me right there. I frowned a bit because it hurt, but then it caressed me, so I unknowingly smiled broadly.

“If, if you’re satisfied, can you let go…?”

“Not yet.”

This time my ear was pinched. When I writhed in pain, my shoulder was strongly pulled towards her. I had no choice but to endure it and stay still.

Erica chuckled softly as if enjoying it, then pinched my lips hard.

“This mouth is the problem. Really.”

“Mmph. Mph! Mmh!”

It really hurt so much that I think tears came out…

“Oh my, crying again.”

Air rushed into my mouth. Looking at the hand that moved away, I grumbled.

“You hurt me…”

Erica, seemingly thoroughly enjoying my reaction, kept smiling and pointed her finger in the air.

“We’ll arrive at the first house soon. We’ll distribute supplies there and listen to their stories a bit. That’s it. Understood?”

“…Yeah.”

Erica rummaged through her chest and held out a candy with her fingers in front of my mouth.

“Say ah.”

“……”

I pouted but inevitably opened my lips. Something hard entered and melted on my tongue.

It was sweet.